by Borel, Stacy
“Shit. Is there anything I can do?”
I shook my head. “I’m going to get dressed and head out to my parents’ place in a few minutes.”
“Okay. Do you want me to come with you?”
“No, I think I need to go by myself. My mom is falling apart and I need to go be with her for a bit.”
I knew she would be hurt that I’d pushed her away, but I hoped she understood.
“Alright, well do you want me to order some food and you can just reheat it when you’re hungry?”
“Actually, I’m not sure if I’m going to be back tonight. I don’t know what I’m going to find when I get over there.”
“Okay, well just know that I’m here. Will you text me later?”
“Yeah.”
I was being a dick, but Harper’s feelings weren’t at the forefront of my mind right now. I got up and finished getting dressed, then headed out the door.
The text from Kyler never came later that evening. In fact it didn’t come the following morning, or the next day. Before I knew it, three days had passed and I hadn’t heard a single word from him. On the second day, I’d texted him to see if he was doing okay and asked if there was anything I could do, but he never replied. To say I was worried was an understatement. It wasn’t like him to just ignore me or not talk to me at all. If there was one thing that I loved about Ky, it was his attentive side. He never hesitated to go above and beyond to make sure that everyone around him was happy.
I was desperate to talk to him, but every time I started to write him another text, I’d delete it. Or I’d pick up the phone and find his name, but end the call before it connected. Ky needed space. He needed time to take care of his family without me hovering over him or being needy. If he wasn’t going to ask for my help with anything, then space is what I’d give him.
When five days had passed and I was still alone with no word from Ky, I was lost. The space meant I got to sit quietly, running through scenarios in my own head, and making up what on earth was going on. The questions were endless. Would Ky realize that he didn’t need me anymore? Would he find comfort and solace elsewhere? Yeah, space could suck it. I wanted to know how he was doing.
On the morning of the sixth day, I decided to go to his parents’ house and pretty much force myself on him. When people are hurting, they never ask for help because they think they can do everything themselves. I’d been a dumbass in ‘staying out of the way’ because I was too scared to step in and help him. Well, not anymore. I loved him and I would show him that I could be strong for him while he was being strong for his mom.
For the first time in almost a week, I had some pep in my step. I was happy that I had a plan and that I no longer felt out of control. The day was a busy one, so I didn’t have too much time to sit and dwell on things. I sat in my office making phone calls with contractors, new clients, and sorted through some deals that would close soon. By the time six o’clock rolled around, the office was pretty much empty, besides the cleaning lady.
Closing my computer, I grabbed my purse out of my desk drawer and went out to my car. On the drive home, I took a quick detour past the Lewis residence just to see if Ky was even there. Nothing would be worse than hyping myself up to see him, only to find he wasn’t even there. Okay, and to be honest, I was also trying to talk myself out of it, but I had to be strong.
I was a bit shocked when I drove by the house. There were cars parked all over in the driveway and several more around the house on the side of the street. What in the hell was going on? I assumed it was hospice workers making a house call, and that was the reason for all the vehicles. It was getting darker outside and I couldn’t really tell what was going on inside the house as I slowly drove by and tried to peek. Honestly, I felt a bit like a stalker. After I passed, I sped up and started the trek home.
My mind had been so clouded with how the evening could possibly play out that I didn’t even notice the other car in my driveway. It wasn’t until I got up to my door and turned the key in the lock that I heard Michael call my name from behind me.
“Harper, are you okay?”
My arms flew up in the air and I dropped my keys and purse on the ground. Clutching my chest, I said, “Jesus, Michael, what on earth are you doing here? You scared the shit out of me.”
“You didn’t see me parked in your driveway? I tried calling your name, but you were walking up to your door like a total zombie. What’s going on?” He sounded concerned.
God, how had I been that zoned out that I hadn’t noticed him?
“I’m sorry. I guess I just have a lot on my mind,” I told him.
He nodded his head, then bent down to help me pick up my things. When we stood back up, he handed them to me and started shuffling his feet. He was nervous, although I had no idea why.
“Uh, listen, I don’t mean to be rude here, Michael, but I have somewhere I need to be. I was just stopping at home so I could change real quick.”
He dragged his hands through his hair.
“Well, I was wondering if I could have a minute so we could talk?”
I desperately wanted to ask him to do this another night, but I’d acted like such a jerk the last time we were together, I felt like I owed it to him to give a little bit of time.
“Okay, come in.”
He followed me into the house and I went straight to my room to change. When I came back out, Michael was sitting on the living room couch. Before I sat down, I asked him if I could get him something to drink, but he told me no. When I was sat on the couch next to him, he looked over at me.
“I miss you, Harper.”
Okay, that was not what I’d been expecting him to say.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been around much over the last week, but I’ve had a lot going on and—”
“No, you’re not following me. I mean I miss being with you.”
I sat there in silence, unsure of what to say. I was about to speak when he reached over and grabbed my hand. I wanted to pull away from him, but instead I placed my hand over the top of his.
“Michael, I never meant to give you the impression that our, umm … get-togethers … were anything more than just … well, just sex.”
“I knew you say that, but you can’t possibly mean it. We were good together, Harper. There’s no way that you didn’t feel anything when you were with me.” He clutched my hand tighter as if to try and make me feel what he was feeling.
I looked down at our joined hands. How was I going to let him down easy, and get him out of my house so I could go and be with the man that I really wanted?
“You’re right, I can’t say that I didn’t feel anything, but I didn’t feel what you’re feeling. You’re my friend.” I paused to take a breath. “A friend that I thought I had a mutual understanding with. I thought what we had was a give and a take, but it was never going to go beyond that.”
“Maybe it was at first, but it stopped being that way for me a long time ago. If it was just sex, Harper, I wouldn’t have taken you out to dinner or anywhere else. I would have just come over, fucked you, and been done with it.”
He was right. How was it that I’d never noticed the signs? I’d been leading him on the whole time and I hadn’t even realized it. And the ‘World’s Biggest Bitch’ award goes to …
“I’m so sorry, Michael. I didn’t realize. But we can’t be anything more. I love Kyler. I think it’s always been him.”
“And where is your precious Ky now?” he sneered.
“Not that I owe you any explanation, but he’s at his parents’ house. His dad’s health has been declining and he’s been over there dealing with all of that. Speaking of which, I need to go so I can be with him.”
I started to get up but he pushed me back down.
“Michael, I’m serious, I don’t have time for this. I didn’t mean to string you along, but I really need to go.”
I stood up and started to walk towards the door, but he wasn’t going to take no for answer. He grabbe
d me by my upper arm, spinning me around so I was facing him. At first I saw sadness in his eyes, but that was quickly overshadowed by determination. I knew what was happening but wasn’t fast enough to stop it. He brought his mouth down on mine and kissed me.
I stood there, completely shocked that he had forced himself on me, when he knew I didn’t want this. My mouth stayed still, not kissing him back. He tried to get me to open my mouth. I felt his tongue on my lips, but I didn’t budge. I started to protest and I felt his arms wrap around me to hold me in place. That’s when I heard my front door open. I tore mouth away and I turned around to see who it was.
Kyler was standing there.
His eyes were red-rimmed, and his face was full of anger. I hadn’t seen him in so long, and the shock of seeing him standing in my doorway caused a gasp to escape my lips.
“Kyler.”
He looked from my face to Michael’s, then back to mine again. I started to take a step towards him, but the ice in his eyes stopped me in my tracks. He curled his lip, and then spoke. “I guess I’m interrupting something.”
I shook my head but he wouldn’t listen. “Don’t try to contact me again, Harper. I don’t want to see you.”
He turned around and walked out. I moved to follow Kyler, and Michael tried to stop me, but I wasn’t having it. When he grabbed my arm, I brought my hand back and swung it around. It connected with his face with a loud slap. I couldn’t stand looking at him any longer. Any friendship we may have had was destroyed.
“Get the fuck out of my house!” I shouted at him.
I ran outside but Ky was already gone. I sank into the front lawn and cried.
My Dad died today.
When I’d showed up at my parents’ house the first day back home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. My Dad looked so sick. His eyes were bloodshot and sunken. He had age-spots all over his body, and his normal ‘spark’ was just … gone. The life was practically drained from his body. He was barely holding on, fighting for every breath he took. He lay in a hospital beds bed in the middle of the living room, too weak to make the trip upstairs anymore. There were machines beeping, and he had an IV hooked up to his arm. A catheter ran beside the bed. My Dad was gone, and I had no idea what to do. I wanted to fix it or even take his place. Dad was really quiet when I first arrived, but he gave the briefest hint of a smile before closing his eyes and falling asleep.
My Mom was a fucking basket case. She was doing everything she could to hold herself together in front of my Dad, but when she wasn’t around him … Jesus! I had to pry her off the floor too many times to count. Her tears were never-ending. I had to sit her down at the table and force-feed her because she was too depressed to eat. I had to act the parent, because she’d reverted to childlike behavior.
I was so exhausted that I couldn’t remember if I’d showered or brushed my teeth. In fact, I couldn’t remember if I’d even changed my clothes. It didn’t matter though. I’d push through any of the exhaustion to take care of my parents. They needed me. There had never been a moment in my life when they weren’t there for me. It was time I did the same for them.
Then there was Harper. I felt like such an asshole for not texting or calling her, but I just had too many other things going on. I knew that she could—and would—help me out without question, but I never made the call. The days just blended together.
The moment my Dad took his last breath, I thought of Harper. I missed her—I needed her. I wanted to be with her, breathing the same air.
When my Dad’s life was finally over, I realized that I only wanted a life with Harper. I’d always wanted a life with Harper, but I wanted to live out the rest of my days with her until I drew my last breath.
The house was full of neighbors, the pastor, and my mom’s friends. I figured she’d be okay for a little bit while I went to see Harper. The whole drive over to her house, all I wanted to do was bury my face in her hair and feel her. She’d help me feel grounded.
When I pulled into her driveway, I saw Michael’s car. My grief was put to the side and I was ready to pound this kid’s face into the cement. Fuck the friendship we’d had when we were kids—this wasn’t high school anymore, and I was sick of him coming on to my girl. I parked and got out of my car, moving quickly towards the front door. I pushed the door open, ready to throw his ass out, but what I saw was not what I’d expected. Michael was holding Harper in his arms and they were kissing.
Boy, she hadn’t waited around at all, had she? In that moment, all of the fight left me. I was officially alone. Harper turned around and looked right in my eyes. My stomach coiled at the sight of her. She looked so fucking guilty. She gasped when she saw me because she’d been caught. I bet she’d been fucking him the whole time she was with me. I was such a fool.
Harper said my name, but I recoiled at just the sight of her. Turning around, I walked out of the house and got in my car. I spun out when I pulled away, speeding down the road. I ignored the stop signs in the neighborhood and drove straight to the bar.
On my way I called Finn. He was a brother to me, and he lived with us after his parents died, and I’m sure he’d want to know.
“Hey, man, how’s it going?” He sounded happy. Why wouldn’t he be? He’d just had a baby.
“Not good. Dad just died.” I wished I could have said it better—less harsh—but there was no other way to do it.
He was quiet for a few short beats. “Jesus. How are you doing?”
“Been better.”
“Yeah. Okay, well, I’ll let Em know and catch the first flight out there. I’m sure she’ll want to come but Allie is still so little and I’d rather not put her on a plane.”
“Okay.”
“Is there anything I can do for you or your mom until I get there?” he asked.
“No. Mom’s at home with some people to help with the funeral arrangements.”
“What about you?”
“I’m headed to the bar. I need to take my mind off it.” My voice sounded completely dead.
“Look, man, I’m not sure that’s the best idea. Where’s Harper?”
I let out a brief and angered laughed. “Why don’t you call Michael, I bet he knows where she is.”
Again there was a long pause.
“What do you mean? What’s going on, Kyler?” His voice got serious.
I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to feel anything.
“Listen, I’m really not in the mood to talk right now. I just thought you’d want to know about Dad. I’ll see you when you get here.”
Finn started to say something else but I hung up on him. I’d already pulled up outside the bar but had sat in the car to finish my call. Time to get good and numb. I jumped out of the car and went inside.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, digging through my purse, trying to find my cell phone.
I was so flustered when I couldn’t find it that I turned the purse upside down and spilled the contents onto the floor by the front door. On my hands and knees, I pushed everything around looking for the phone, but I could hardly see through the tears in my eyes. When my hands found what they had been looking for, I picked it up and tried pushing the buttons to call Ky, but my fingers shook so badly that I kept hitting the wrong buttons.
“FUCK!” I screamed again. I sat down on the floor with my back against the wall. I hit my head on the wall out of frustration. How did everything get so fucked up, and so quickly? I was crying so hard I couldn’t catch my breath. This couldn’t possibly be happening. Ky saw Michael kissing me, but I hadn’t kissed him back. How could he think that I would have reciprocated that kiss? I loved Ky. I fucking loved him to my core, but he’d just left.
It was exactly what I’d feared. Giving my heart to a man and then him leaving me … alone. Granted, Ky probably thought I’d been kissing Michael back, but he didn’t even give me a chance to tell him that what he saw wasn’t what was actually happening. He promised
that he’d never leave me, but now he was gone. My whole body rocked with my uncontrollable sobbing.
My phone rang while it was still in my hand. My eyes flew open and hit ‘answer.’ “Kyler?”
“No, honey, it’s Em. Oh my God, Harper, you sound terrible.”
I started bawling. “I feel terrible, Em. I’m so lost right now.”
“Finn just got off the phone with Ky, he said you were with Michael. What happened, Harper? I thought you were with Ky?”
“Oh God … he really does think I kissed Michael. Fuck.” I dropped my head. “How am I going to fix this, Em?”
“Did you kiss him?”
“What? No! He came on to me. I was trying to leave so I could go to see Ky, but Michael came over and was trying to tell me that he’d fallen for me. I told him that I didn’t feel the same, and when I tried to leave, he kissed me.”
“Oh, no! And you didn’t kiss him back?”
I was getting pissed. “Jesus, Em, I just told you he came on to me. I was just about to push him off me when Ky showed up and saw us.” A whole new wave of tears hit when I remembered Kyler’s face. “He hates me, Em. He wouldn’t even stop so I could explain.”
“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. But you do you know why he was there?”
“I assume he came to see me. I haven’t spoken to him or heard from him in six days. That’s why I was going to see him.”
She cursed under her breath. “Harper … Kyler’s dad died this afternoon.”
Oh no. No no no …
“He did?” I whispered. “Oh God. I think I’ve totally fucked everything up, Em. He’s never going to give me a chance to explain. Shit, I wouldn’t give me a chance to explain.”
“You have to try, Harper. If you love him, you have to keep trying until he hears you out. But he just watched his dad die. I’m sure his emotions are a bit crazy right now, but it has to be worth a try.”
I took a few deep breaths and tried to collect my thoughts. “I’m not even sure where he is right now.”
“Finn said he’s at the bar. But, Harper, he didn’t sound too good. He hung up on Finn.”