This Regret

by Victoria Ashley

  Just as I reach the front door, I feel his hand grip my waist. "Don't leave, dammit. I want you here with me." He pulls me against his chest, slamming his lips to mine. His lips desperately search mine as he tangles his hands through my hair, holding me as if he never wants to let go.

  Pulling away from the kiss, I shove him away and reach for the door. “We don't always get what we want. Do we, Kellan?”

  He stands there, nostrils flared as he looks me in the eyes. "Phoenix. Don't do this. I'm begging you to stay. I wouldn't do this if I didn't care."

  I swallow hard and wipe a hand over my mouth, showing him just how disgusted I am with him at the moment. "You have one last chance. Tell me everything or I walk. Should you choose the latter, I never want to see you again." A tear falls down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away. "Once I'm out that door. I'm done with you. I never want to talk to you or see you again. I've already gone eight years without you, I'm pretty sure I can survive."

  I must have hit a nerve with that statement because he looks as if he's about to break. Dammit, this hurts so bad. I can't stand to see him this way. Please just tell me. Tell me so I can stay.

  "I'm sorry," he whispers. That's it?

  “I guess I got my answer. I guess you don't care about me enough.” With that, I am gone. I'm done with anything that has to do with Kellan. I pull the door open and walk outside, slamming it behind me. I hear things breaking inside as I walk down the steps, but I don't stop. As much as I want to, I can't. He's made his choice and so have I. We're done. I can never look at him the same way knowing he's hiding the most important thing from me. I was so wrong to think he cared. He doesn't. He was right, the old Kellan did die.

  * * *

  Surprisingly, Kade was pretty fast at picking me up. He tried questioning me, but I kept telling him I didn't want to talk about it. That made the ride back to my car awkwardly silent, but I didn't care. I will talk about it when I feel I can. I just need a little bit of time to work things out.

  Afterward, I went home, cried in the shower and then quickly changed before jumping into my car and taking off. I wanted to get out of there before my sister and mom could wake up. Now, I'm at the Ranch with a few cans lined up, my pistol in my hand and tears streaking my face. I think this occasion definitely calls for blowing off some steam. I need this right now or I'll lose it completely.

  With each squeeze of the trigger, a tear trickles down my face, blurring my vision even more. This is doing nothing for me. I can't even see where to aim and in this emotional state, someone could get hurt. Why? I can't even have this! This has been my release for so long, but the pain of losing Kellan and finding out the truth about my brother is far too great. I didn't discover my desire of target shooting until well after Adric was gone, but I imagine this wouldn't have helped for that situation either. This was all just crap that I assumed was my own personal therapy. I was wrong.

  Setting my pistol down, I drop to my knees in the grass and bawl. I can't hold it in any longer. I let it all out and curl into a ball, burying my face into my arm. The pain of finding out about Adric and losing Kellan reminds me too much of eight years ago. I feel dead inside. I just want to crawl into a hole and die. I don't want to be here anymore. I can't do this alone.

  I sit in the grass for a good hour, staring off into nowhere, until I hear Kade approaching. It has to be him. No one else pays attention to me being out here but him. I don't look up though. I don't want to. I can't handle him and his stupid questions right now.

  "Will you talk to me now? What did he do to you?" He takes a seat beside me and picks at the grass, reaching for my leg, but I move it. He huffs and throws a piece of grass in front of him. "I told you he's an ass. That son of a bitch. You should have listened to me. He's no good. He proved that to us eight years ago, Phoenix."

  As much as Kellan has hurt me, I'm sick of Kade bad mouthing him. Regardless of what Kellan has done, they are still brothers. I could never talk about my family that way and he's really pissing me off. Family should always stick together. I turn to him and yell, "Don't talk that way about him!" As mad as I am, I feel the need to protect him, the one I love. Who the hell does he think he is? He hasn't spent any time with Kellan since he's been back. I have. "Kellan has been nothing but good to me. Don't just don't."

  More tears fall and I feel like a complete fool as I listen to my own words. Kellan has been so good to me over the years. He always protected me. He is still trying to, although I don't want to be. I just want to know the truth. Someone has to tell me the damn truth.

  This is worth a long shot but . . . "Did you know about Adric's drug use and where he got them?"

  Kade's eyes go wide, before shaking it off as if it never happened. He clears his throat. "Not a thing. Maybe you should ask Kellan." He stands up. "He's the one that left, not me."

  He walks away, leaving me alone to hate myself and drown in my own misery. That's exactly what I do.

  Kellan

  __________

  I can't believe I just let her go. I'm so fucking stupid. I stare at the window, barely breathing as I watch her make her way down the street, no doubt hating my guts. Shit! What the hell was I thinking? I messed up. I really messed up. Losing her will be the death of me, but her hating me on top of it, is like pouring acid to my flesh, searing it to the bone.

  I pick up the table next to me and toss it across the room, breaking it against the wall. Then I stomp over and push my TV over, the screen shattering at my feet. None of this shit matters to me. She does. It's all replaceable, she isn't. Why the fuck did I have to mess up? I grab the couch, flipping it over and into the wall. Nothing else in my life matters except her now. She's the only thing that keeps me sane.

  I pace around the living room, kicking at the mess. I need to stop her. Maybe I should just tell her everything. She's going to hate me no matter what now. When she hears about what I did to Echo, that I almost killed a man, she will never look at me the same. She will see a fucking monster. That's not who I am though. I had no choice. He left me without another option.

  Flinging the front door open, I run outside into to the street, barefoot. I can't see her anywhere. She must have turned somewhere to make it harder in case I decided to chase her down. She doesn't want to see me. Shit! She really is done. Why am I so fucked up in the head?

  I need to find her. I don't have much time before I'll be ran out of town again. Cape has already sent his message loud and clear by showing up at the bar to see Phoenix. He knows what that will do to me. He knows it will leave me with no choice but to do what he says. That son of a bitch has had me in my place since I fucked his brother up.

  Shit! I'm going after her. I have to keep her close until I leave. I need her probably more then she needs me. It's either now or never.

  I slip on my boots, grab for the first shirt I see and run out to the garage, hitting the garage door button on the way. The door screeches as it slowly opens to Kenny and Larry grinning like fools. Shit, they always have bad timing.

  "You have got to be kidding me! Not now, mother fuckers." I reach for the door to my truck, but stop as Cape comes around the corner shaking his head.

  He grins and runs his hand along my truck as he steps into the garage. "No need to be in such a hurry." He walks over to my fucking bike and laughs. I swear on everything, he better not touch my shit or he'll regret it. "Don't worry, Phoenix is nice and safe," he says pleased with himself. "Trust me, old friend."

  "You piece of shit!" I growl as I rush over to him, tossing my keys behind me. "If you fucking touch her-"

  Cape holds his arm out, placing it to my chest to stop me, just as we get face to face. "Don't worry. She left with Kade." It's kind of pathetic really. Kade is always there to come running when she calls, even knowing you've fucked her.” He takes his hand from my chest and pulls out a knife, flipping it around in his hand, before opening it. "I'm sure your brother will keep her safe. He's had his eye on that sweet piece of ass for a long time. He
might just get her when you fuck up, as I'm sure you will, if you haven't already. Maybe they can keep each other safe. You know, in case you decide to fuck me over. How does that make you feel? The thought of Kade fucking your woman. Sliding inside the tight little pussy you just enjoyed. To share her. I'm sure he won't mind. "

  Okay, now he's really pissing me off. He knows my buttons and he's pressing them all. Him and his goons need to leave so I can go. "What. The. Fuck. Do. You. Want?" I growl. "I still have one more day. Now get the fuck out of my way."

  He looks at me, smiles and runs his knife down the length of my bike, scratching the paint off. I reach for him and grab his shirt, but Kenny and Larry must have gotten closer since last time I'd checked, because I'm suddenly pulled backwards. "I would watch yourself if I were you. Don't forget who has the power to ruin every last thing you care about, you crazy shit. Don't forget who has all the power here."

  Kenny yanks me harder as Cape shoves his boot into the bike, kicking it over. I stand there, breathing heavily, telling myself to keep it cool. If I make one wrong move then he might just go fucking nuts and kill me. Reacting is what fuels him. I can't have that.

  "I will be gone tomorrow," I hiss. "But not before. I have something to deal with first. Now let go!" I pull away from Kenny and fix my shirt. Then I turn around, slamming my fist into the side of his head, knocking him to the ground. "Don't ever fucking touch me again." I look up and brush my shirt off.

  Cape smiles as if he enjoyed the show before pointing at Larry to help Kenny up. "You're pretty quick. No fucking shit! Echo is definitely a lot slower. Especially now. Now that he's in a fucking wheel chair!" He screams in my face, spit spewing. He turns to his side show freaks and smiles wickedly. “Show this little shit how we do things around here. Things have changed a bit since last time you were here."

  Before I can even blink, Cape's fist smashes into my right eye and my arms are being held back by Larry and Kenny so hard, it feels like the bone is snapping. He hits me one more time before I scream, "Fuck off!" I spit blood onto his boot and he punches me again, causing blood to pool in my mouth.

  "Is that how you want to play it?" He holds his knife up, twirls it around and slices a hole into both tires of the Harley, before tearing it through the seat and stabbing it repeatedly with a wide smile. With each slice, I only want to kill him more. "Now that!" He smiles bigger and laughs. "Is how we do it around here. If you don't want to see that pretty little slut and your brother meet this knife next, as I slit their throats, then I suggest you pack a bag and leave. Today . . . and when I say today, I mean you have twenty fucking minutes."

  I yank one arm free and get just enough reach to pound it into Cape's mouth, causing him to stumble backwards. "I will fucking kill you. Do you fucking hear me?" I get ready to pull my other arm free, but Cape jumps up and holds his knife to my throat, causing me to still. My heart is pounding so loudly, I'm sure it's echoing off the walls of the garage. I'm on fire right now. "You sick bastard," I mutter.

  Cape snickers and points the tip at my throat as if I'm afraid to die. The only thing I'm afraid of, is losing them. If I knew me dying would keep them safe, then I'd say fucking do it. "You fucking know it. So what do you say you run along inside and grab your shit before someone gets hurt. I'd hate to have to kill three people today. I've already had to deal with an asshole today. I'm tired, dammit."

  The boys push me forward into Cape and he shoves me into the bike, kicking my legs out from below me. My face hits the front tire before a boot digs into my head. "Okay, I fucking get it!" I stay down on my knees and grip the motorcycle in my hands. I could kill them for doing this to Adric's old bike, but I can't. There's no way that day could ever come. I have to go. I won't risk my family getting hurt. "I will leave." The boot releases my head and I look up at Cape, placing one hand on the ground to stand back up. "If I leave, you won't hurt them, right? You said you wouldn't fucking hurt them."

  A smirk pulls up on one side of his face and it makes my blood pump even more. "Nah, I had my fun already. Seeing you fall in love with your best friend's fucking sister and losing her to your brother. Shit, that makes me happy. That's classic! You're lucky you got the time you did. Now, when you leave, you will be suffering even more. That makes me happy as fuck." He points at his face and smiles big. "See. Happy. As. Fuck."

  Shit! That asshole is right. I pushed her right back into the arms of my brother and now I have no way of telling her . . . I love her. Now, she will never fucking know, but I couldn't tell her about Kade. I couldn't make her hate him because, whether I like it or not, she needs him. He needs her too in some screwed up way. I hate it, but I'm the one that screwed up. I won't let them suffer.

  "Well congratufuckinglations, you're an even bigger piece of shit than the last time I saw you. You should be so fucking proud, man." I push past the boys with a shove, put Rayne in her room, shut the door and go to my room to pack some shit. Only the shit I'll need. I don't care about anything else.

  I scribble out a note for Phoenix and shove it into the hole of Adric's guitar before hiding in in the closet. After I leave, they'll probably just take a look around for expensive shit and leave. They will probably leave the closet alone. They just want me gone. So I'm giving them what they want in exchange for what I want. My family left alone. The last thing left to do now is text Tyler. I told him this day would come and he never questioned why. He can be trusted.

  Hey, bro. Some shit has come up and I have to leave. I can't explain. Make sure Phoenix gets my spare key and tell her to look in the closet for Adric's guitar. I've left a note for her there. Take care of Rayne for me and man . . . thanks for being there for me. Take care of yourself and your new family.

  As soon as the message is sent, I slam my phone into the wall, smashing it up completely. Holding my bag over my shoulder, I look around the room one last time before tossing my broken phone into the trash and closing the closet door. The last thing I need them to know is that I left something for Phoenix. I want her to be taken care of when I'm gone. I love her and my family, but they can never find me now. I'm dead to them forever.

  Just as I am to myself . . .

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Phoenix

  I sit on the old worn out swing, listening to Jen talk. At least, I pretend to listen; although, I have a feeling I'm not pulling it off that well. It's been two days since my fight with Kellan and I can't seem to concentrate on anything but that. A part of me wonders if I was too harsh on him. I know he's been through a lot, as have I, but him not telling me the truth is the same as lying. In my eyes it is any way. He may have my best interests at heart, but I’m sick of everyone treating me as if I’m breakable. I can handle whatever he has to say. Aiden used to do me the same way. I would never keep something so important to him, from him. I thought he was better than that. I love him, but I don't know if that's enough anymore. You can’t have love without trust. They go hand in hand. He'd never even said he loved me back anyways. It was a one way street and I've met the dead end.

  Then Kade had to jumble up my emotions even more with his comment the other day. He's the one that left, not me. I can't seem to stop thinking about what he meant by that. Was he trying to point out that he thinks Kellan is responsible for the drugs? I don't want to believe that for one second, but it's not looking good on his part, as long as he has secrets.

  ". . . you know?" Jen's voice breaks me out of my trance, causing me to look up. "He's really something else, Phoenix."

  I'm such a bad friend for not paying attention, but I can't help it. Even if I tried, my mind is just 0somewhere else. "Sure," I mumble, closing my eyes and leaning my head back. I just want to fall asleep and not think anymore. I haven't been able to sleep for crap.

  Huffing, Jen shoves my leg and sits down next to me. "Okay. I've had enough of this. Tell me what is going on. You have been moping around for the last two days and you called off from work today. You never call off from work. You haven't missed a day in o
ver two years, darlin'. If you wanted to keep whatever is wrong with you a secret, you could have chosen a way that is a little less obvious, don’t you think?"

  I slowly, but loudly, let out my breath, showing her, I don't want to talk about it. "It's nothing I need to bother you with. You have your own problems and Jax to worry about," I remind her. "Please don't worry about me. You finally got a little bit of freedom from being worried and stressed, you need to enjoy the break."

  "Oh, I am so worrying about my best friend. Don't you dare talk me out of it, got it? You had your moment of stubbornness when I asked you to leave and you refused. Now it's my turn." She turns and faces me, grabs my arm and pulls so my head is resting on her lap. "Now tell your big sister what's wrong before I strangle you. You know you can’t hide anything from me. I don’t know why you even try." She smiles that Jen smile, lightening the mood.

  I should have known it would come down to this; her mothering me like always and me, caving in. She always was the mother hen. I kick my flip flops off and lay my back flat on the cushion of the swing. They are so worn that I can feel the wooden slats pressing into my back. Throwing my legs over the armrest of the swing, I let the sunshine beam down on my face and prepare to bare my soul. "I had a huge fight with Kellan the other day and left, telling him I never wanted to see or talk to him again. I half expected him to come after me, but he didn't. I haven't talked to him since and it hurts. I’ve never felt this way before. I love him, Jen. I don't know what to do. I feel . . . lost . . . empty . . . dead."

  Jen squeezes my shoulder and rubs her hand over my forehead, combing her fingers through my hair. "Oh, honey. If you love him that much, then I'm sure it's nothing you can't fix. Did you ever stop and think that maybe he wanted to come after you but was afraid of getting hurt? You know how men are. They can't take having their egos crushed by a woman. They are weaker than us." She smirks. "Kellan is one of the good ones. You and I both have always known that. You can't let someone you have loved for over ten years just slip through your fingers. You have to be the bigger person. I'm sure he's waiting on you as we speak. I thought you were more headstrong than to just give up so easily."