Monster Nanny

by Tuutikki Tolonen

  Goldfish in a glass bowl! Koby’s eyes already sought the next heading: “Chapter 6: Observations of the Monster’s Behavior.”

  There was such a lot of text. Koby was annoyed that he hadn’t yet gotten round to learning the speed-reading technique. Reading the book would take ages. How would he know what was most important right now? It might be best to leaf through and read a bit from each page. Koby turned the page.

  . . . expressionless face gives an impression of a dour nature. The monster seems withdrawn and unwilling. However, this is a mistaken interpretation. The more time I spent with the monster, the clearer it became that it is the gentlest and most peaceful humanoid animal, if not half-human . . .

  “Half-human,” Koby repeated. The same word had been used in the letter Mom had received. Had someone else read this book too? And how had Runar come to the conclusion that the monster was half-human? This was the problem with reading bits here and there: you might have jumped over some important detail. He continued:

  . . . half-human, which adapts quite well to human companionship. The monster’s emotional states are conveyed not through its facial expressions, but, in my view, in its rolling eyes and the position of its shoulders. I think that by observing the monster’s neck, shoulders, and eyes, one can keep up with its current feelings pretty accurately . . .

  Koby nodded, deep in thought. This information would no doubt be useful to them. He marked the page with a candy wrapper he found on the floor next to the beanbag chair. Who’s been eating candy in here? he wondered in passing, and went on to the next spread.

  . . . became attached to me to a notable degree during our weeks together. It showed its fondness not only by murring like a large cat, but also by doing me services it believed would please me. One day, to my surprise, it used its powerful arms to break a wooden bench into evenly sized firewood, which it stacked by the fireplace. It showed me its good deed, murring with happiness . . .

  Koby smiled to himself. Sounded like monsterish behavior. That morning, Grah had made them breakfast and piled so much cocoa powder in Halley’s mug that the milk could no longer dissolve it to make it drinkable. The spoon had stood shuddering in the middle of the cocoa powder heap turned into paste. For Mimi, the monster had buttered eight slices of bread, which it then stacked into a wobbly tower.

  But it was as clear as day that the monster had been taught human habits. Grah knew how to use the dishwasher and kettle. It knew that humans did not want monster dust in their food, and for the duration of breakfast had wrapped itself in a hooded apron, which almost totally prevented the monster dust from shedding. On its hands it had worn large, thin gloves, which allowed it to touch the food without everything turning gray.

  In its protective clothing, Grah had looked like an astronaut. Koby had stared at its big, clumsy-looking hands, fascinated. How delicately the monster’s fingers worked. Their dishes looked like dollhouse items in its hands, but the monster deftly picked up a little mug between two fingers and held it gently and carefully under the tap, turning on the faucet by nudging it with one finger. A single careless move would have broken both the mug and the tap. But Grah broke nothing. It did not make the slightest mistake. It was awesome.

  After breakfast, Grah had tidied the kitchen, kind of. Then it had withdrawn to its closet and closed the door. That was where it was now. Why? Had someone told it to get in the closet? It couldn’t be particularly comfortable in there.

  Koby moved on to the next chapter, which was titled “The Monster’s Natural Environment.”

  There is no doubt that monsters are outdoor creatures. Staying in human dwellings and living like humans is not only impossible for them, but probably also harmful.

  Koby frowned. Harmful?

  It is true that it can be kept imprisoned in human structures for a time. In such cases, the most immediate problems are caused by the monster’s dust layer, which quickly renders the cleanest environment into a filthy state. Naturally, problems may also be caused by the monster’s unpleasant smell, which is at least partly caused by its diet, as well as its antagonistic approach to washing.

  The natural habitat for the monster is probably the forests of Finland. There are also some indications that the monster’s abodes could be underground caves, soil pits, and other natural earthy shelters. I believe that the monster is a pack creature, even though it may sometimes move around on its own for long periods. However, in the end it seeks out a monster pack to be with others of its kind. I also venture to argue that a human pack is not sufficient for a monster. It needs a larger, stronger, and wilder pack, or the color of its coat will start to fade and wither. I will return to this in more detail in “Chapter 12: Some Unusual Observations.”

  The monster is a creature that learns very easily. It learns to do humans’ work in fields and in the home. However, this is not enough to make the monster happy. It is not a human but a free creature of nature.

  At this point, we should also pay attention to the characteristic features of our own species, the humans. Would it be possible for us humans to live peaceful and mutually respectful lives alongside monsters? Or would we attempt to harness these gentle, strong beings as mere work animals to do our heaviest jobs? Regrettably often, human nature is far from humane, even though the misleading original meaning of the word is “human-like.”

  Koby’s brow wrinkled. Was their situation precisely what Runar wrote about? Where had Grah come from? Where had it been before it came here? Did it even want to be in their home?

  Despite all its animal qualities, the monster is very human-like. It forms attachments, is emotional, and likes to communicate. It suffers just like a human if it is forced to live denying its own nature. And what is its nature? It is a free creature, independent of humans, not imprisoned in the crowded human world.

  Koby stopped reading, shocked. Imprisoned in the crowded human world! At this very moment, Grah stood stuffed in the hall closet. Alone, without its pack. Forced here by humans. Not even a bit of freedom or forest, let alone a natural environment.

  The door banged. Halley came in.

  “Koby? Mimi?” Halley’s excited voice called. “You’ll never guess.”

  Koby put the book down and went into the hall, where Halley stood with three unfamiliar children. Koby nodded hi to them.

  “What?” Mimi shouted from the bathroom.

  “Is Mimi still in the bath?” Halley asked.

  Koby shrugged.

  “What will we never guess?” he asked.

  “Oscar, Alice, and Minnie also have monsters,” Halley replied triumphantly.

  Koby nodded slowly and looked at the children, who stood in the monster-gray hall, looking tense.

  “Did your moms and dads also go to Lapland?” Koby asked. Oscar and Minnie nodded.

  “Did they win the trip in the lottery?” Koby went on. Oscar and Minnie nodded again.

  “Very strange. They all won the grand prize,” Koby said. Halley nodded. She had not thought of that.

  “What are your monsters like?” Koby asked.

  Oscar and Minnie exchanged looks.

  “Ours is quite OK, I suppose,” Oscar said lamely. “It smells really bad. But it doesn’t hurt us or anything.”

  “My monster is really bad-tempered,” Minnie complained. “It growls scarily if I don’t eat the awful sandwiches it makes. It puts masses of cheese in them, and I loathe cheese, so I left and went to Oscar’s, and I’m not going back. I’m not eating those sandwiches anymore.”

  Koby eyed the children thoughtfully. His monster expert’s nose smelled trouble.

  “Do your monsters know where you are now?” he asked.

  “I don’t think so,” Oscar said.

  “We sneaked out really quietly,” Minnie explained.

  “So where were the monsters?” Koby asked.

  Halley chuckled. “You won’t believe it, but Minnie’s monster followed her to Oscar’s. It stuffed itself into the same closet with Oscar and Alice’s mons
ter. Even though the closet’s not really big enough for even one monster.”

  Oscar, Minnie, and Halley laughed, but Koby was thinking.

  “Tell me,” he said, “if the monster knew how to follow Minnie to Oscar’s, why wouldn’t it follow her here?”

  Oscar, Minnie, and Halley stopped laughing and gaped at Koby. They hadn’t thought of that, but now the thought filled their whole heads.

  So it was hardly surprising that only Alice noticed an empty blue sleeve flash in the slightly opened bathroom door. It seemed to be beckoning her. She looked at the other children, who were staring at one another, worried. Nobody took any notice of Alice when she slipped into the bathroom unnoticed like a little blond shadow.

  CHAPTER 10

  Mimi in the Bath

  INDEED, MIMI’S BATH HAD already taken a long time. The water had cooled, and Mimi’s fingers had gone wrinkly ages ago. But still Mimi splashed around in the tub. She had had a long conversation with her bathrobe.

  This is roughly how it had gone:

  Mimi: This is getting really strange. I wish Mom were coming back soon.

  Bathrobe: I see!

  Mimi: But on the other hand, it was lucky Mom got to go to Lapland. Best lottery win ever.

  Bathrobe: I wonder.

  Mimi: Of course it is! We got the monster, too, and Grah is so great. The paper that came with it said that . . .

  Bathrobe: (jolly laughter)

  Mimi: Why are you laughing?

  Bathrobe: You humans! You believe everything you read. Even if you don’t know who wrote it and why.

  Mimi: Oh, so? What do you mean?

  Bathrobe: Just think of me, little friend. My label says “100% cotton. Made in Portugal.” And when I was bought, I was in a bag that said “Bathrobe. Cotton. Blue.”

  Mimi: Isn’t it true, then?

  Bathrobe: We-ell! True or not. I can tell you that I am 20% polyamide and only 80% cotton, and I was made in China. Does it matter? I don’t know. Sometimes it does, sometimes not.

  Mimi: What are you babbling on about? You’re really weird today.

  Bathrobe: No, I’m not. But weird things are happening in your home that may be dangerous.

  Mimi: How do you mean? Is Grah dangerous?

  Bathrobe: No. At least, not on purpose, but it is semi-wild, after all. But that isn’t what I mean.

  Mimi: What, then? Talk so that I can understand you.

  Bathrobe: No, you have to think for yourself. Use your head.

  Mimi: I’ll throw you in the washing machine!

  Bathrobe: Have you learned how to use the washing machine, my little friend? Don’t splash that water everywhere! I am very absorbent. I’ll give you three hints, if you want.

  Mimi: Don’t bother!

  Bathrobe: I will anyway.

  Mimi: Well, go on, then.

  Bathrobe: The first hint is: There are other beings on the move, not just monsters.

  Mimi: What else?

  Bathrobe: Keep your eyes peeled. You, of everyone, notice unusual things. Here comes the second hint: I think it best if you all sleep elsewhere. Leave soon.

  Mimi: Oh, why? And where else? In the yard?

  Bathrobe: Decide for yourself. And here comes the third and final hint.

  Just then the front door banged. Halley came home.

  “Koby? Mimi?” Halley called. “You’ll never guess!”

  “What?” Mimi called from the bathroom.

  The bathrobe froze but did not flop in a heap yet. Nobody answered Mimi.

  “Well, they’ll tell me soon,” Mimi sniffed. “Yes, what were you saying?”

  “Shhh!” hissed the bathrobe.

  Mimi pricked up her ears but heard nothing.

  “What’s happening?” she whispered.

  “Shhh!” the bathrobe hissed again.

  They listened silently for a minute. How quiet a bathroom is when nobody is talking.

  “Well, now,” the bathrobe said then. “The situation has changed. You got a helper, a little girl called Alice. She’s there in the hall. I’ll get her in here right away.”

  “I don’t know anybody called Alice,” Mimi said.

  “You will soon,” the bathrobe said, and glided off the toilet straight to the door. There it gingerly peeked into the hall through the crack of the slightly opened door and then opened it a little more.

  Mimi watched the bathrobe, amazed. It had never before tried to leave the bathroom. And it was not outside the bathroom now, but peeking into the hall. Anybody standing in the hall could see the bathrobe instantly, if they happened to look in the right direction at the right moment.

  The bathrobe raised one of its empty sleeves and waved at someone in the hall. Then it nodded its hood, just to make sure. Then the bathrobe glided back to the toilet lid and sat down.

  “Now we’ll just wait, little friend,” it said.

  “What are we waiting for?” Mimi inquired.

  “Just wait.”

  Suddenly the bathroom door opened a crack, and a small blond girl slipped inside. She stared at Mimi and the bathrobe with round, questioning eyes. The bathrobe gave a slight cough.

  “Monster dust, excuse me,” it apologized. “One can become pretty invisible under it, but it does irritate one’s throat so.”

  “Hey,” the girl said quietly. “I’m Alice.”

  “Well, now!” the bathrobe said, pleased. “Alice and Mimi. Get to know each other. Now I’m not needed anymore.”

  Empty and lifeless, it slid off the toilet lid and onto the floor.

  “Oh,” Alice gasped, startled.

  “Bathrobe!” Mimi said. “What’s the matter?”

  But the bathrobe remained floppy and lifeless.

  “I hope it’s not dead,” Mimi whispered, alarmed.

  “It was so cool,” Alice said.

  “It is so cool,” Mimi snapped.

  “It asked me to come in here,” Alice said. “I’ve never seen such a . . . bathrobe. I’ve just got an ordinary one. It can’t walk or anything.”

  Mimi measured Alice with her eyes.

  “The bathrobe said that you’re my new helper. Something may be wrong, and we must sort it all out. And we may have to move out to the yard.”

  Alice nodded solemnly.

  “That’s what I thought,” she replied. “That something isn’t right.”

  Then Alice padded to the bathrobe lying in a heap on the floor, picked it up, and sat down on the toilet lid in the same spot where the bathrobe had sat a moment ago.

  “Well, what do we do?” she asked.

  CHAPTER 11

  The Phone Call That Surprises Nobody

  THE LANDLINE PHONE IN the hall rang. Halley and Koby looked at each other. The only one to call that phone was Invisible Voice, who should be turning up at home in a couple of hours. Something was amiss.

  “Halley, take Oscar and Minnie into our room,” Koby said. “Wait there. This won’t take long.”

  Halley nodded. She understood what Koby was thinking. An invisible dad was too strange a thing to explain to Oscar and Minnie. At least so soon.

  “What are we waiting for?” Oscar wondered aloud.

  The phone rang again.

  “Where’s your monster?” Minnie asked hesitantly.

  “In that closet right behind you. Go on,” Koby said, hurrying them. Minnie jumped and promptly headed toward the children’s bedroom. Oscar followed her. The phone rang again.

  “Why doesn’t anybody pick up? It must be Invisible Voice—answer it!” Mimi called from the bathroom.

  Koby cleared his throat and picked up the receiver.

  “Koby Hellman,” he said. “Oh, Dad. Where are you?”

  Mimi appeared at the bathroom door in her blue bathrobe. Alice peeked over her shoulder.

  “Told you. It’s Invisible Voice,” Mimi confirmed to Alice.

  “What’s that?” Alice queried.

  “Nothing,” Halley answered, and almost pushed Minnie and Oscar into their bedroom.
“Wait here,” she said, closing the door.

  “I need to talk to Invisible Voice—give me the phone,” Mimi urged, holding her hand out. Koby dodged her and went on talking.

  “It’s Mimi, yes. She wants to talk to you in a minute,” Koby said, then made a face at Mimi and turned his back.

  “Fine, fine. Of course we’ve eaten. Mimi just came out of her bath. It’s not strange—Mimi often takes a bath during the day. Yes, well. Oh, what? The blizzard continues? Still? And the whole airport is closed. Oh dear. Really bad.”

  Koby listened silently for a while, nodding.

  “It can’t be helped. The monster makes really great food. It even knows how to use the dishwasher. Yes. Yeah, Mom’s having a nice time in Lapland. Call us again when you know when the airport will open again. Yes, we’ll let Mom know.

  “I’ll give the phone to Mimi now,” Koby finally said. Then he covered the receiver with his hand and whispered to Mimi: “Not a word about other monsters or last night or the monster book or anything, understand?”

  “Yeah, yeah,” Mimi muttered, and took the receiver.

  “Hello, is this Invisible Voice?” she said, and then nodded, pleased. “So you’re not coming, then? I heard! I’ve got ears. I wanted to tell you that it’s very strange here. The bathrobe just said that we had better go out to the yard soon and stay there. Do you see, a bit like an escape.”

  Mimi listened a moment.

  “No, it’s true,” she giggled. “It’s not a silly story. The bathrobe said that a girl called Alice is my helper from now on, and that there are other creatures here apart from monsters. We must use our heads now, to cope. But the bathrobe says that if anybody can use their head, I can. That’s why everything is actually my responsibility from now on.”