Remember Love

by Jessica Nelson

  "I only know I can’t stand to see you this way." His hands reached for hers, unclasping them from the steering wheel and drawing them to his chest. "Broken. Grieving."

  She exhaled at the hard heat of him. He’d robbed her of speech. His fingers curled warm around hers, tender despite the anguish engraved on his features.

  "Okay," she whispered.

  They left their cars in the parking lot and crept down Main, toward the heart of the festival. The fire engine blared, signaling the steady approach of the parade. They walked the sidewalk, inches apart. Katrina’s heart drummed painful beats against her chest. They passed side streets where vendors hawked their wares. Homemade crafts, paintings and pottery. Cotton candy and boiled peanuts filled the air with delicious scents, salty and sweet. Like the memories that besieged her senses. Inciting. Craving. Stinging.

  They reached the crowded acre between Save-A-Lot and McDonald’s. A wide expanse of grass, the acreage hosted the hub of activities every year for the festival. Katrina stopped at the edge and Alec walked ahead of her until he realized she wasn’t beside him.

  "You okay?" He turned to face her, squinting against the sunlight. His voice came out thick, as though he too struggled with a different set of memories.

  She took a shaky breath and squared her shoulders. "I’m fine." Forcing her feet to move, she caught up to him. She lifted her face to the sun, hoping for a forgotten grace to get through this.

  A boy darted in front of them, his shaggy brown hair reminiscent of Joey. She waited for the gut searing pain in her abdomen, the nausea, but instead a dull ache settled in her heart. Not what she’d expected. Was she healing?

  She already went to Little League games every season. The first game started next week. Going to the festival shouldn’t be different. New, but not different. There were children here just like anywhere else. Purposefully she inhaled the deep, rich scents of the festival. She could do this, should have done it sooner. The strength of discovery bolstered her steps. If Alec hadn’t prodded her she’d still be wallowing in bed.

  She forced a smile. "Hey, there’s the ring toss. I haven’t played that in ages." Three years, but it didn’t need to be said.

  They walked to the game, weaving around running children and harried adults. The tent hovered to the side of the main path, next to a larger tent housing nature photography. Katrina made a mental note to go there next. They stepped up to the card table where the game sat.

  "How much?" Katrina scanned the table, looking for a price.

  "A dollar." A middle aged woman crossed over from the tent next door. She smiled, exposing perfectly straight teeth. "And it’s for Lady Anne’s ballet school. They host a scholarship for children unable to pay the monthly fee."

  That sounded good. Katrina reached for her purse, and then groaned.

  "You forgot your purse?" Alec turned to her, his dark brows drawing together.

  "Yeah. Let me just—"

  "I’ve got it." Alec snagged his wallet from the back pocket of his jeans, opened it and handed the lady a five dollar bill. "Five games, please."

  "No problem. You folks locals?" She handed Alec the rings.

  "We grew up here." Katrina ventured closer to the tent beside them. Craning her neck, she glimpsed a still life photo of a turtle reclining on a log. Behind him crept the plump fingers of a child itching for a pet. She chuckled. How cute was that?

  The lady, her name tag read Gladys, sidled up to Katrina. "Feel free to step over there when you’re done here."

  "Those are your pictures?"

  "Yep. I’m thinking of starting my own business but wanted to see how they sell here, first."

  Thoughtful, Katrina took the business card Gladys handed her and slipped it into her pocket. "Well, good luck. I may be back later to have a look."

  They turned to the ring-toss table and waited for Alec to come back. He stood just outside the small enclosure, talking to Grant. His friend wore his uniform, no doubt on the lookout for young pranksters and thieves. Beside her, Gladys moved away, tinkering with the prize bears hanging from the ceiling.

  Katrina studied Alec. Grant walked away and Alec ran his fingers through his hair. Before he could come back into the tent, Widow Carmichael hobbled past him. His hand fluttered up to wave then dropped to his side when she passed him with a scowl on her lips and her nose in the air. Katrina frowned.

  Glancing at Alec’s face, she noted his suddenly withdrawn expression. This excursion must be difficult for him. To face townspeople he hadn’t seen in years, people like the widow who’d always seen him as a troublemaker. To walk beside the woman who’d kept his child from him. She blinked, not knowing if the sting beneath her eyelids came from the sun or her own volatile emotions.

  For a moment she considered reaching for his hand, reaching for truce, then shelved the impulse. He’d agreed to help her with the business.

  It wasn’t right to ask for more.

  And yet she longed to see him laugh the way he had when they were younger. Not that he’d ever been carefree, but there had been a time she’d seen him happy.

  Like an old movie, slow and often replayed, she watched him in her memory as he grinned while she tickled his nose with cotton candy. Then he laughed when she yanked it away.

  She bit her lip. She wasn’t the only one who’d lost out. He didn’t even have memories of his son. Suddenly, the pain of attending the festival seemed trivial compared to Alec’s loss.

  Wetting her lips, she deliberately loosened her shoulders. Fun might be out of the question, but she’d give him an interesting time. Win some teddy bears, show him Joey’s favorite games and foods. Perhaps it would ease his closed expression into one of relaxation.

  Perhaps it would ease the ever-growing burden of guilt that gnawed like a rabid dog at her conscience.

  *****

  "Go Manatees!" Katrina’s braid bounced against her back as she jumped up to cheer. The Minor Manatees had just hit a second base run, bringing Cody Smith home and giving the team a four run lead. She sat down and wiped her brow with an old hankie she’d brought. At six in the evening the day still dripped heat and the scent of salty popcorn and hot dogs lingered in the air.

  "I think we’re going to win this time," she said.

  "Probably. It’ll be a boost for these guys." Joe grinned, a decidedly un-pastorlike twinkle in his eyes. "They should change their name. Eight-year old boys don’t want to be called minor."

  Katrina shrugged and tossed some popcorn into her mouth. Chewed. Swallowed. "Joey always wanted to be a big boy from the moment he could talk."

  The next hitter struck out. The teams switched up, with the Manatees heading to the outfield.

  "Have you seen Alec lately?"

  She felt Joe’s probing gaze and she stifled the urge to blow him off. She sensed he was asking more than he was saying. "I see him almost every day. He’s helping me do inventory and stuff."

  "Did you ask why after ten years of no contact, he suddenly wants to be involved with you again?"

  "Yes, I did." In her kitchen, Alec had said he’d come back for her, but she sure wouldn’t tell Joe that. Especially since she was having trouble believing it herself, despite the time they’d spent together last Saturday at the festival. He hadn’t exactly laughed, but after a while the stiffness seemed to ease from his frame. At the end of the day they’d parted companionably, comfortable in the time they’d spent walking and remembering.

  Joe’s interest felt intrusive. Very unlike him. She lowered her gaze to level with his. "Have you been talking to Rachel?"

  Joe flushed. His face was already pink from the heat, but she knew him well enough to recognize guilt when she saw it.

  "You shouldn’t let her cynicism infect you. Since he’s been here I haven’t seen anything suspicious that would make me think he has ulterior motives." She set the popcorn bag on the bleachers, grimacing when a little guy in right field dropped a pop-up. "Alec and I’ve drawn up a legal contract. He’s now a partn
er in my business, and if I sell, will share in the profits."

  "How long has he been here?"

  "About three weeks?"

  "Is he a Christian?"

  "Yes, he’s a Christian." Exasperation made her tone sharper than she’d intended.

  "Katrina." Joe’s voice lowered. "I know I’m prying, but do you realize he hasn’t gone to church at all but that one Sunday?"

  Her fingers tightened on the popcorn bag beside her. "Yours is not the only church in town."

  "He hasn’t been to St. Mary’s or Bible Baptist, either. I asked."

  Her back went rigid. "Presumption never seemed to be a flaw of yours, Joe."

  "There’s no call to be upset."

  "Rachel asked you to spy, didn’t she? You may not have seen him, but Alec was at church this Wednesday." She stood and scanned the crowded bleachers. If her friend was here, she’d find her. Text her. When Joe touched her wrist, she yanked away. "You two don’t need to act like I’m made of glass. I can make my own decisions."

  He stood and followed her down the stands and onto the scuffed grass. "We know you’re smart, Katrina. We’re just worried you might make a decision with your heart instead of your head."

  She whirled to face him. "Alec will be leaving soon and then I doubt I’ll ever see him again."

  "I don’t think that’s going to happen." The casually spoken words behind her made her pulse pause for a fraction of a second. Then the blood in her veins surged into double-time. She turned slowly and found Alec grinning at her like the Cheshire cat.

  "Katrina. Joe." He and Joe shook hands, measuring each other carefully.

  "Watching Little League now?" Joe stood next to her, his body stiff.

  "That, among other things."

  She rolled her eyes when Alec winked at her. He couldn’t be serious. Watching her? In her ragged cut-offs, flip-flops, and stained t-shirt? "I thought you were working today."

  "All contracts are signed and sent. Files are uploaded and in order. I needed a break."

  Joe stood by Katrina’s side and, in a deliberate move, she stepped away from him, towards Alec. Joe needed to know that while he was both pastor and friend, he wasn’t her father. "Do I need to look anything over for the store?"

  "No. I wanted to talk with you, though."

  "Sure." She leaned back and patted Joe’s shoulder. "I’ll see you Sunday, Pastor." She winked at him, but his face didn’t lose its solemn cast.

  "Don’t forget about the Thanksgiving dinner," he said.

  "I won’t."

  Alec took her arm and they walked away from the stands. She tried not to notice how warm his hand was on her arm or the tender strength of his fingers against her skin. They sat beneath the shade of a sturdy oak, and grass tickled the backs of her knees.

  She looked at Alec. "What’s up?"

  "Are you and Party Joe an item?"

  "An item? As in dating?"

  "You know what I mean."

  "He’s not Party Joe, he’s Pastor Joe. And no, we’re only good friends."

  "He’s giving out protection vibes."

  "Probably is, but Rachel’s the one he has his eye on." Katrina shrugged. "I think he feels like he should take care of me. After I found out I was pregnant, he was a huge help. He’s the one who led me to Christ. I owe him a lot."

  "Maybe so. Why did you name our son Joey?"

  The change in subject was unexpected, as was the comfort she felt being near him. He wore jeans today, faded and stained, with a Billabong t-shirt. Not anything special. Not anything that should make her palms damp or her heart race. It must be his cologne reminding her of what could have been. If she’d had the courage to confront him about Maggie before the wedding, maybe fear wouldn’t have exploded in her while she stood at the altar with him. Maybe he wouldn’t have left town without hearing her out.

  But he had, pride propelling him out of her life faster than his motorcycle could spin out of the church parking lot. And God had given her Joey.

  "I didn’t name him after Joe." she said. "Even though I wasn’t a Christian yet, I knew the story of Joseph. When he chose to forgive his brothers, he said what was meant for evil God turned for good." She paused, aware of Alec’s intense concentration. "It always stuck with me. When I found out I was pregnant, I remembered the story. And so I named him Joseph."

  Alec propped his elbows on his knees. His forehead creased. "Do you think we were wrong to be intimate before marriage?"

  "Don’t you?"

  "Of course." He twisted towards her. "It was wrong of me in a lot of ways to pressure you into that kind of intimacy." Shadows darkened his eyes and Katrina couldn’t look away. Was this his way of saying sorry for not answering her calls? His apology for leaving her to raise their son alone, however unintentional?

  "You didn’t pressure me." Soft words to soothe the wounds. "I think we should have waited for marriage, but you never pushed me into something I didn’t want. I loved you."

  Alec reached over and took her right hand, skimmed his thumb over the top, then lifted it and pressed it to his lips. They were soft and dry against her wrist.

  In the background cheers rose from the stands, the air vibrated with the shouts of excited parents. But those sounds faded as he came closer. Here and now, she could only smell his cologne, could only see his golden eyes as he leaned toward her.

  Alec shifted closer. Katrina’s eyes widened, unshielded by glasses today, and he saw fear flash through their silvery depths. With an effort he pulled back and shoved his hands through his hair.

  There was no mistaking the relieved loosening of her lips and anger began to stir inside. Was he so horrible that the thought of his kiss terrified her? He pushed aside the self-loathing that seemed to eat through the armor around his heart and grasped hold of anger. Hot, searing rage. It felt better. He could control it. Inching away from her, he focused on the tight clasp of her hands. His gaze lifted to her face.

  "You didn’t wear glasses today, Katrina."

  "They’re reading glasses."

  Alec sensed her confusion at the change in his tone. "And yet you never leave home without them. I bet that’s one thing you’ve never lost."

  "Actually," her lips, pink with heat, curved and he forced his gaze away. "The pair you usually see are my ninth set."

  "I was referring to your fear."At the startled move of her head, Alec wished he could take it back. Wished he hadn’t just made her look like a fish jerked out of the water. But bitterness lurked within, and it pulsed stronger than his regret.

  She still stared at him, mouth parted. In hurt, he supposed.

  "Yes, your fear. Don’t look so shocked, Katrina. Kids didn’t call you Owl for nothing. Hiding behind glasses is only one of your many endearing, yet revealing, traits. You say you loved me?" His voice hardened. "Does love leave the loved standing alone?"

  "There were other issues." Her voice had gone whispery thin.

  He had to lean forward to hear her. That was a mistake, because she smelled of butter and vanilla, and it reminded him that only minutes ago she’d been happy. Now her eyes were suspiciously bright. She wouldn’t control him with tears. He’d seen his mother try that trick too many times, not to mention the women he’d dated.

  "Other issues? Why don’t you elaborate?"

  Her face paled. To his surprise, she scrambled to her feet. His eyes fastened on long, tanned legs before followed suit.

  "I’m not a slave to fear anymore, Alec." Her voice turned firm. "If you don’t want to own up to the issues, fine. I need your help with my store but that’s as much of a relationship as we’re going to have. Business only."

  "Really?"

  "Yes." That didn’t come out as firm and Alec watched with fascination as color rose in her cheeks. Whether from temper or embarrassment, he wasn’t sure. He hoped anger. He wanted her as unsettled as he was.

  "We’ll see. Your store is far from sold and until it is, I’m not leaving."

  "Professional only."


  "Fear speaking again?"

  "Logic. We have nothing in common." Katrina grimaced. "You’re a successful entrepreneur who does stuff I don’t understand. I’m a small town girl."

  "You had big dreams once, Kitty."

  "I’m not done." She eyed him, tilting her head and looking so sweetly beautiful that Alec wondered if he should just kiss her. Forget the bitterness, forget the pain. Just kiss her. But then he remembered the look on her face moments before and knew he’d fight with her any day rather than have her pull away from him again.

  Her hands went to her hips. "Have you gone to church at all since being here?"

  He cocked an eyebrow. "Why do you care?"

  "Because I go every Sunday and Wednesday, plus I volunteer in different ministries."

  What did that have to do with anything? He glowered at her. "Good for you. Maybe we should call you Saint instead of Kitty."

  Her forehead wrinkled. "I’m only saying our values are probably very different. The first day you came into Kat’s Korner, I told you I was different. And you." She stepped close to him and her finger traced the lines at the corners of his eyes. "You’re different too." Her hand moved away and Alec stood very still. He’d forgotten how it felt to be touched like that. Without lust or anger, but with compassion and gentleness. Deliberately, he unclenched his fists.

  "You’re right, Kitty. I’m successful now. I’ve been places, known celebrities, dated models." He stopped, the bitterness nearly choking him. "But I’ve never known my only son."

  Cheers from the bleachers filled the space between them. Katrina looked toward the field, and Alec couldn’t see her face. He hadn’t meant to sound accusing. His pride had kept him from her, and unwittingly, from his child. He was only now realizing that. His teeth ground. It would be so easy to lay the entire situation at her feet.

  She turned back to him. "So you dated models?"

  "Some." He exhaled, relieved she hadn’t taken his comment as blame. And he wanted to tell her that none of the women with their expensive perfumes and manicured nails were as beautiful as her. But he didn’t. He said instead, "And you? Dated any noteworthy guys?"