Remember Love

by Jessica Nelson

  Four missed calls from Alec, two from yesterday that had just shown up. One vague text about needing to talk.

  Her shoulders relaxed. She was so relieved the past wasn’t repeating itself that she felt almost giddy, like a girl who’d just realized her crush liked her. The relief took the sting out of knowing her cell phone service stunk. She snatched the house phone off the charger. She’d call Alec, let him know what had happened at Kat’s Korner.

  She walked to her bedroom, absorbing the atmosphere. This was her place. Fresh flowers sat on her dresser, bathed in a prism of light from the nearby window, filling the room with the heady aroma of life. Tossed over her bed was the white lace coverlet she’d inherited from her maternal grandmother. Satin pillows lay in haphazard mounds across her sheets.

  Her room was how she liked it. Uncluttered and comfortable. She didn’t always make her bed or pick her clothes up off the floor. Family pictures hung on the walls in well-dusted frames.

  She plopped down on the bed, moving the Bible she never got around to reading, and dialed Alec’s number. With bated breath, she waited for him to answer. It had only been a few days and yet she missed the low, husky timbre of his voice.

  "Hey," he answered.

  "It’s me, Katrina." Empty space hung between them. She cleared her throat. "I saw you called. I tried to call the other day and couldn’t reach you." Her grip on the phone tightened.

  She waited, remembering the intimacy of their dinners in New York. The laughter they’d shared at Broadway. The chilly night they’d walked around the city, sipping hot cocoa and holding hands.

  "I’ll be in town tomorrow and we’ll talk then." His voice was low, hesitant. He sounded so remote.

  "Okay." She cleared her throat. "There’s something else you should know. The store was broken into. Almost everything is ruined."

  There was a surprised intake of breath on the other end. "I’ll handle it when I get there."

  "There’s nothing to handle. The police came and they’re looking into it but as for anything else, I don’t know what you could do."

  "Pay Steve a visit."

  "We don’t know that he did this." She clutched a pillow, her fingers twisting in its fringe.

  "We’ll find out."

  "I just think we should let the police take care of things."

  "You don’t have to worry."

  "I’m not worried," she said, exacerbated. He was still trying to take over. "Please don’t do anything until we talk."

  "Look into the insurance and warranties on all your stock." A pause. "I’ve got to go. Tomorrow, Katrina."

  The decisive click on the line irritated her. She mashed the end button on her phone and tossed it to the side. She knew to check on those things and the fact he told her to do it rubbed her wrong.

  But this had been a tense day. Seeing Maggie, talking to her, brought back the horror of her wedding day, the pain that had wrapped itself around her throat and quietly strangled her for so many years.

  And to know now that the kiss had been nothing to Alec, something he’d dodged and still paid the price for. She pressed her hand against her mouth as tears stung her eyes. She should’ve asked. She should have asked instead of playing judge and jury.

  After Alec left town, when she realized he had no intention of answering her calls or e-mails, she’d felt as though her heart had been ripped to pieces. When she began throwing up every morning and discovered her pregnancy, rage took hold and it wasn’t until Joey turned one that she’d come to her senses. The only person missing at his party had been his father.

  But she hadn’t tried hard enough to find Alec.

  In New York, he claimed to want her but when he came home, would it be different? This place, with its painful memories, could make a difference. She wouldn’t blame him if he changed his mind about marrying her.

  Wouldn’t blame him a bit.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  The next afternoon Katrina pulled weeds with a vengeance. She yanked them up until the muscles in her back burned and her fingers cramped. After a full day of cleaning up Kat’s Korner, contacting insurers and dealing with a hostile Officer Grant Harkness, she needed the break.

  Widow Carmichael’s persistent calls regarding the books had added to the pandemonium of the day.

  Thank goodness for dirt and a fenced-in yard. A stiff breeze brushed her cheek as she dug out weeds. The air had cooled with the onset of November but gardening warmed her tension-laden muscles. Shouts of laughter at a nearby park filled the silence and gave her something to smile about.

  Joey had loved this time of year. Fall ball, Thanksgiving, and fishing.

  He should’ve had a chance to fish with his father. To hold a squirming bass and watch his daddy take out the hook. If only she’d tried harder to reach Alec. Trusted God instead of taking things into her own hands.

  Alec would be in town by now. Was he staying at the same hotel, and would he call her? Would he be as abrupt and cold as he’d been on the phone yesterday?

  She kneaded the dark dirt, relishing the cool dryness that crumbled around her fingertips.

  The back door whooshed open. She jumped, dropping the weeds she’d just pulled. The door slammed shut.

  "I thought you said it was an accident." Alec’s shadow loomed over her, blocking out the evening sun.

  Katrina let out a shaky breath as her heart rate decelerated. She pinched another weed and yanked. "What are you talking about?"

  "Joey’s death."

  "It was." Frowning, she pulled on a pesky weed that refused to budge from beneath her pepper plant. After their dinners in New York, she felt surprisingly shy and the plant gave her something besides him to focus on.

  "Not according to my secretary." He shoved a stack of papers in front of her face and, sighing loudly, she released the stubborn weed. She leaned back on one heel, shifting so that her weight stayed off her tender ankle. Sweat trickled down her forehead. She swiped at the moisture as she faced Alec’s silhouette. Despite the fading day, she couldn’t ignore the harsh set of his jaw and the fierce glitter in his eyes.

  "Murder." His voice rasped, gritty as sandpaper. "They were murdered."

  Taken aback, she gaped at him. Murder? It had been so long since she thought of the accident that way. Her throat tightened. Maybe subconsciously she’d known he would take it as such and so she’d not thought to say anything.

  His stone-hard stance told her this would have to be handled delicately.

  He reminded her of a coiled snake, ready to strike. She rose slowly and, with cautious fingers, took his hand.

  Alec’s jaw clenched. He didn’t like the way he felt. When Katrina slipped her slender hand into his, he wanted to drag her to him and shake her. Instead, he pulled away.

  "In the house," he managed to grit out and then stalked inside.

  It took her a few moments to follow and when she stepped into the living room, he saw why. His stomach tightened and he suppressed the sudden worry spiking through him. "What happened?"

  "I fell. It’s just twisted." She gave him a tentative smile and the sight gripped his chest in an oxygen-sucking vise.The timidity on her face made him want to smash all the fancy knick knacks stashed around the small living room.

  After brooding on the newspaper article for days, he’d finally decided to talk to her about it. But he hadn’t expected the anger at the senselessness of it all. He hadn’t expected his empathy for her. Because he felt so strongly, he checked himself. With restraint, he watched her sink onto the couch. He couldn’t sit. His legs itched to move.

  It didn’t help to walk into her house and see pictures of a life he could have had. It didn’t help to walk into the backyard and hear her humming, to see her nurturing plants when the son she should’ve been taking care of was dead.

  Joey’s death could have been so easily avoided.

  And it didn’t help that she was beautiful. Her hair, pulled into a ponytail, shone with health. Her unpainted face looked fresh a
nd untouched. The pale shadows that had stained the skin beneath her eyes only a few weeks ago were gone. Innocent and wary, she sat patiently on her cheap couch.

  Rage, grief, something violent, twisted within.

  "He was murdered," he spit out. "Run down and left for dead."

  "He wasn’t left for dead."

  "The driver ran. They didn’t even put his name in the papers. Joey deserves justice." Alec threw the papers clenched in his hand to the floor. "You could’ve told me. It’s hard enough knowing I had a child I’ll never meet. You could’ve told me it was a drunk’s fault."

  "The driver was a kid. He never meant to hurt anyone."

  "He was old enough to drink." His gaze narrowed on her face. She sounded a little too forgiving. "You know who it is."

  "I do," she said quietly.

  He hated the way she had her hands folded in her lap. So peaceful, so serene. He wanted her as shaken as he felt. With long strides, he crossed the living room floor and hauled her off the couch, barely noticing the worry that flashed across her face.

  "Did he go to jail? Is Joey’s murderer being punished for his crime?"

  "Yes." She cringed.

  It was that involuntary gesture that propelled Alec to a place he had not been before. A place of lost control. His arms tightened around her and he kissed her with all the loneliness, the regret, of the last ten years. His lips pressed against hers, hard, unyielding. When she moved, he loosened his hold.

  Shame flooded him, hot and strong.

  But she wasn’t fighting him. Instead, her arms circled around his neck and she kissed him back, tenderly, with compassion and softness.

  Her hair floated through his fingers, silken and smooth. She smelled of vanilla and sunlight, fresh earth and purity.

  It broke him.

  He tore his lips from her upturned face and buried his head in her neck, taking the comfort she so readily gave, unaware the wetness on her shirt came from him.

  *****

  Katrina made Alec a turkey sandwich for dinner and hoped he still liked them with mayonnaise and lots of mustard.

  Her lips tingled from his kiss. When he’d pulled away from their embrace, he’d asked for the documents about the accident. She dug them out, and while she puttered around the house to give him privacy, he pored over autopsy and police reports, as well as pictures and news accounts.

  He never looked up from the table. And so she’d made him dinner.

  His tears had shaken her. She’d never seen him cry before, let alone weep. Not when, as children, they’d gone fishing and she’d seen the bruises on his back put there by his mother. Not even when she’d left him at the altar. She ached for him, for herself, more than she’d thought she could.

  She was glad Alec had released his anger and sorrow, even if in an unexpected way.

  There was still the possibility he would distrust her even more for not telling him the cause of the crash.

  She set the sandwich in front of him and sat down. He looked up from the items scattered across the table. His eyes were dull, his features haggard. "This is everything?"

  She nodded.

  "Man," he rubbed his hands over his face. "I feel like I’ve been socked in the gut."

  "I just assumed you knew, that you’d look it up right away."

  "Marta did, my secretary. But I forgot, with everything going on. A car accident. It seemed simple enough."

  "I’m sorry, Alec." A paper napkin moved in front of her, gusted by the air conditioner, and she pressed her finger against the rough fabric to still its flight.

  "How did you get through this, Kitty?"

  The question was a poke to the bruise she’d tried to ignore. The Bible said God stored his people’s tears in a bottle. Hers had overrun long ago.

  She fumbled for an answer. "I guess you could say I’m not through it. You saw me only a few weeks ago." His eyes were on her and Katrina tried to think of the best way to explain. "As time passes it gets easier. The pain quieter, somehow."

  "You mentioned Jesus once, out by the car."

  She let the napkin go, watched as the tiniest breeze from the vents swept it across the table. Uncontrolled. Nothing to hold it in place but her. "I know."

  "Has He really helped you?" Alec leaned forward, over the paperwork and closer to her. "I mean really. Not just in a religious way, but so that you could feel it."

  "Yes." The napkin fluttered down, landing somewhere past her sight. Sighing, she met Alec’s gaze. "No. I haven’t talked much to Him since…"

  "I see." And he leaned back, head cocked and eyes looking as though they saw right through her skin, straight to her core.

  "He doesn’t talk back," she blurted out, feeling heat rise to her chest, pulsing through her in red tides. "Ever. I ask and hear nothing from Him. Joe lied. They all lie. God doesn’t care what happens to us."

  "You’re wrong."

  "Am I?" The question ripped out of her strangled vocal chords, odd in the quiet kitchen. "Then why doesn’t He answer me?"

  "I don’t know."

  Fingers gripping each other in a painful clasp, she looked away. Deep breaths. Once she felt in control and able to speak, she looked at the man across from her. Found his eyes and held them. "I believe in Jesus. That he loves me, died for me, forgives me. That He won’t let me break. But I don’t believe He cares about every little detail of my life."

  "I’m sorry, Kitty. I should have been here." Alec’s gaze slammed into her, leveled her with its intensity.

  "Why?" she asked bitterly.

  "You feel like God abandoned you. You’re mad at Him."

  She shook her head, even as the truth of his words pierced her soul. Was it true? Did she really believe He didn’t care, or was she blaming Him and trying to disguise her anger? When was the last time she’d talked to God, really asked him for anything?

  In the hospital.

  Alec shifted forward. "What?"

  She’d spoken her thoughts out loud. "The last time I prayed I was in the hospital. Joey died hours after the crash from internal hemorrhaging. Mom was on life support for two days before getting a staph infection and dying." She shook her head. "I begged God to let mom live. To leave me one person. But He took them both and left me alone."

  An old memory soaked into her, a flat-lined monitor and the fluttering breath of her faith dying with her mother’s heart.

  And so she’d left God and acted like He’d abandoned her. But she ran from Him. One more fault on a list longer than a river.

  "I’m sorry I didn’t tell you it was a drunk driver." She looked away to work up the courage to meet his eyes. "There’s so many things I’ve done wrong." Like leaving the God who’d saved her, who’d given her Joey. A pure gift in the midst of sinful consequences. She let out a quivery breath. "I talked to Maggie today. She told me what happened. I’m sorry, Alec." Humble pie, but she gulped it down anyway.

  "For what? Believing I’d kiss another woman?"

  She nodded. Alec’s face was set, his eyes unwavering. "That’s in the past. God didn’t abandon you, Kitty. And everything isn’t your fault." His brow lowered. "It wasn’t your fault a drunk got behind the wheel."

  A tenseness passed over his face and she wondered if he was thinking of his mother.

  Her palms prickled. She lowered her gaze. "It’s funny." She wet her lips. "I’ve gone to MADD meetings and they’re filled with people from all walks of life, different values and religions. But one thing helps us all." She paused. "Those who forgive are better off than those who don’t."

  "Is there a lesson in that, Katrina?"

  "I just don’t think holding onto anger against the driver will help you feel better."

  Alec set the half-eaten sandwich on his plate and leaned back, thoughtful. "You know," he said, eyes heavy-lidded, "as much as it goes against the grain, I agree with you."

  Katrina hugged herself. She didn’t want to be preachy, but she didn’t want to see him eaten up with bitterness either. "You do?"r />
  "Vengeance is the Lord’s and He will repay."

  "You know that verse?"

  "Don’t look so shocked. Just because I want justice doesn’t mean I can’t forgive. What is it about me that makes you assume the worst?"

  His face was implacable, but Katrina thought she detected hurt in his tone. Her lower lip caught between her teeth. "I just thought you were a new Christian."

  "And you thought I was the same guy you knew ten years ago." He stood and rounded the table. "Despite your words, you still label me a selfish, vengeful man."

  "No." Her heart thumped painfully against her chest as his face came close, so close she could see the little specks of green in his golden eyes. Heartache skewered through her, for him, for herself. For all that they’d lost.

  "I want you in my life, Kitty. I need to see what we can salvage from this mess."

  His head lowered and she didn’t pull away. How could she? His lips brushed against hers, soft this time, gentle, and she trembled. She hated the fear twisting her insides, the longing that overwhelmed her.

  Was God giving them a second chance? She wished she knew.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  "So you tutor students?" Katrina took a bite out of the apple she’d brought to Kat’s Korner and watched Alec set up one of her new computers. Sharon had called this morning with a message for Alec from some school in the city, which prompted Katrina's curiosity.

  "Sometimes." He fiddled with a wire. "It’s a way to give back since I wasn’t the best student myself."

  "Poor guy. You should’ve chosen someone else to copy your math homework off of."

  Alec shot her a look. "Yeah, well, it took me until tenth grade to realize my so-called A-student friend was the reason I was making C’s."

  She smiled. "I never claimed to be good at math. Rachel couldn't understand why you hung out with me."

  "You mean you didn’t let her copy your work?"

  "She never needed to." Katrina enjoyed the bubble of joy that rose inside her at their relaxed banter, loved the way it insisted on sneaking out in a giggle.