The Girl Nobody Wants: A Shocking True Story of Child Abuse in Ireland

by Lily O'Brien

  The day came and at 6 am a social worker arrived at our house; the staff had already packed our bags and the nuns were all waiting downstairs for us, while a member of the staff got us ready. After almost ten years at the home, we were finally leaving and I had butterflies in my belly. I was so excited, but also afraid at the thought of what might happen to us when we walked outside. We slowly walked down the stairs and towards the front door and, as I got to the door, one of the nuns handed me a small single suitcase; after all those years, all I had was a single suitcase that was half-empty, I didn’t even have enough belongings to fill it. I didn’t even want the thing, but I took it, just so that I could get out of there as quickly as possible.

  I looked at the nuns and I laughed at them as I walked past them and out the front door to freedom; and once outside, even the morning air smelt different. I know it was probably because it was six in the morning, but it didn’t matter to me; it still smelt different and I liked it. I screamed as loud as I could and then Simon, Daisy and I got into a waiting car and, within a couple of seconds, the car drove off. I looked back through the car window and I could see all the nuns walking back into the house and not one of them bothered to turn around and wave goodbye to us; and I was so happy as they walked back into their prison.

  On the way to the ferry, the social worker drove like a lunatic. He could not have gone much faster without causing an accident and we all slid from one side of the car to the other as he drove around the corners like a mad man. Then we all fell back into the seat as he sped up and headed towards the docks; he was driving like he had the devil in the back of the car, but it was only us and we all thought it was funny. God only knows what the nuns must have told him, because all he kept doing was to look at us through the rear view mirror and then mumble to himself something about the devil, God and late. And he clung on to the steering wheel as if his life depended on getting us to the docks and out of Ireland forever and he never once spoke to us.

  It took a while to reach the docks; and when he finally pulled up, he swiftly opened the door and told us all to get out. The nuns had given us absolutely nothing, no money and no food or water, only the tickets for the ferry and the train back to London England, but we didn’t care, we were so excited about getting on the ferry that we forgot all about everything else going on. We moved out of the way of the car and the driver got back in and then he drove off, leaving us standing in the middle of the dock road.

  We didn’t know what to do, so we walked up towards a big crowd of people that were standing around and I spoke to a man in a uniform who was a boarding officer. I showed him the tickets the nuns had given us and he allowed us to walk on to the ferry. Once on board, Simon and myself spent most of the journey playing tag, running around and causing a nuisance to all the other passengers; and after a while, the ferry staff asked us to calm down a bit and they kept an eye on us for the rest of the journey. Daisy just sat down for the whole journey, as all the things Simon and I got up to were embarrassing her.

  When we arrived in England, we had to go through customs and it was all a bit too much for us; we got confused with the whole situation, and a couple of police officers noticed us. They walked over to us and they took us out of the queue and over to one side, then they helped us with our things until we got out of the departure area and into the exit hall, where we met our sister’s husband Fred and one of our brothers, Chris. They had both travelled from London to pick us up and to take us back to our mother’s house in London. I was so happy to see Chris, but I hardly recognised him as he had changed so much and grown up.

  After we all said hi to each other, we headed towards the train station and we got on the next train to London. The journey was going to take over seven hours, so we all sat down and we talked for a while, then I told Chris and Fred that we had not eaten all day, so they both got up and they went and bought us a few bits to eat from the buffet car on the train. Then Fred came and sat down beside me, he took out some playing cards from his pocket and then, smiling at me, he asked me if I remembered him. I looked at him and I said no. We played cards together and he gave me a lot of attention playing tag and had, with him chasing me up and down the length of the train. I was having a lot of fun, but Chris just sat on the seat with a very serious face and he hardly moved an inch.

  After a while, I sat back down again and Fred and I played snap with the cards again, then Fred went and got me a hot chocolate drink. I thought it was nice of him and I continued playing cards with him, while he moved closer to me and eventually he sat right next to me. He was very nice to me and I could not remember the last time anyone gave me as much attention as he gave me then. After a while, I got up and I headed to the toilets; but as I walked off, Fred got up too, and he followed me along the train, trying to play had with me as I walked through the carriages.

  Then he ran in front of me and he began to run in and out of the toilets, opening and closing the toilet doors and just playing around, and as I got level with the toilet, he pushed the toilet door open and then he pushed me inside. He then ran into the toilet and forced his body up against mine, forcing himself between my legs; and before I had a chance to push him away, he stuck his tongue into my mouth. And with that, I just stood back and looked him straight in the face and suddenly it all came rushing back to me, and I instantly remembered who he was and what he had done to me many years before back in London, when I was a child.

  The very second his hands touched me, everything started to rush back and I was shocked and I felt sick. I moved back away from him, thinking this is the same man that abused me. Oh my God, I could not believe it, I had only been out of the institution for a few hours and already someone was trying to touch me and sexually abuse me all over again. Words could not explain how shocked I felt and I had trouble speaking. I pushed him away from me, I opened the toilet door and I ran back down the train towards Chris, Daisy and Simon, and I sat down next to them. Chris looked at me with a very serious face and I could tell that something must have happened to him on the journey up to meet us.

  My mind was racing and all I could do was think back to what Fred had done to me when I was a child, all those years ago back in London; it was the same person and he had tried to touch me again, here right now on the train. What the fuck’s going on? I thought. Why me, what have I done to deserve this? I sat on the seat, held my head with both hands, pushed my head back against the back of the seat and I took a deep breath; and I would not move off the seat and neither would Chris. The dirty bastard must have tried to do something to Chris on the train, I thought to myself, and for the rest of the journey I didn’t move an inch.

  I never once got off the seat and all I could think about was what he had done to me all that time ago when I was a little girl. It had all come back to me, every last thing that he had done to me. Straight away, I knew I did not want to go back to England and all I wanted was to go home back to Ireland and back to Willows. I felt sick and my belly felt like someone had just punched me hard into it. I had no one to help me, no one to turn to and all I wanted was to go home, but I couldn’t. I felt like I wanted to pull all of my hair out of my head with frustration. And all Fred did was sit opposite me and look at me with a dirty smile on his face.

  When the train arrived at Paddington station, my head was still hurting and it felt like it was going to burst, my mind was racing through all the things that had happened to me when I was just a baby. And as I got off the train and I began to walk along the platform, my head began to spin, I had to stop, and then I vomited. I stood still for a moment and everyone stopped and looked at me. I lifted my head and I told everyone that it was the lack of food on the train that had caused me to be sick and that I would be ok in a moment.

  But all I could do was think about what was going to happen to me if I went back to my mum’s house with Fred. I wiped the sick from my mouth with the back of my hand and, as we walked out of the train station, Fred said that we were going to get a cab to mum’s h
ouse, as it would be quicker than taking the underground train. We all said ok and as we got into the cab, Fred sat next to me and I almost screamed; but instead I just froze, and I could feel myself turning pale at the shock of him rubbing his body against mine as he sat down next to me. Him sitting next to me was the last thing on earth that I wanted and all he did was go on about me coming over and staying with him and Tracy at their house. I said nothing and I never once looked at him; all I wanted was to get out of the cab and as far away from him as possible.

  When we arrived at mum’s house, we all got out of the cab and walked towards the house, not knowing what to expect. The door opened, and as I walked through the front door and into the living room, all my other brothers and sister were standing in the room waiting for us. And I could see Jim, my step dad, and his two children, my step brothers that my mother had given birth to while we were in Ireland, all standing in the middle of the room, waiting to greet us.

  Then within an instant, everything that Jim had done to me came flooding back. I recognised him straight away and my heart almost exploded with the shock of having to face him again. My mind was racing and I was thinking through all the things that Jim had done to me when I lived with him and mum; and within a second, I must have gone through everything that happened to me a thousand times, everything flashed inside my head at the speed of light. And within that single moment, I had the sensation of my head being pushed under the water and the choking feeling that I felt as I swallowed water from the cold bath. Even the taste of the mustard that Jim had forced into my mouth all those years ago came rushing back to me and I felt sick.

  I looked around for a place to sit down and in the corner of the room was a wooden stool. I walked over to it and sat myself down and looked over at Fred and Jim. Then my hands began to shake and I could feel myself turning pale again; cold sweat ran down my face onto my lap, and I felt like I was going to faint. I had completely forgotten all about everything that the both of them had done to me, but now I couldn’t stop thinking about what they had done to me over ten years ago; I was right back where it all started in London, and now I was sitting opposite the same people who had abused me back then. And now they were both standing in front of me, telling me how happy they were for me to be back with them and how they had all missed me so much. I felt sick, I felt like I wanted to die, and I wished I had been back in Ireland with the nuns.

  Then my mother came into the room and she gave me a big hug, whilst at the same time handing me a door key and whispering to me to lock my bedroom door when I go to bed later. ‘What?’ I said. I looked at her in disbelief at what she had just said to me and I closed my hand tightly around the key, before anyone noticed what she had just given me. I wanted to laugh out loud with the shock of what she had just said to me, but I just stayed silent. And I thought to myself, ‘This can’t be real, can it? Can this really be happening to me all over again?’ She then let go of my hand and walked away, while smiling over in the direction of Jim. I quickly put the key into my pocket and then I walked around the house, looking at everything, just to stay out of everyone’s way.

  Nothing had changed, the situation I was in was like as if I had stepped back in time and I was looking at myself in the past. I felt like I was being abused all over again, and I was. Just the look on Fred and Jim’s faces was enough to hurt me and they both knew it. It was getting late now, so everyone settled down for the night; I said goodnight to everyone and went upstairs to my bedroom, making sure that I locked the bedroom door behind me. Still feeling sick and wishing I were back at the institution in Ireland, I got into the bed and wished it had all been a dream and wished I had been dead. I still had all my clothes on and I wasn’t going to take them off for no one. I thought to myself that in the morning I will get up and head back to Ireland, before anyone could stop me leaving, and eventually I fell to sleep, still holding the door key tightly in my hand.

  However, when I woke up in the morning and even before opening my eyes, I could smell a stench of damp, stale air in the room and I knew that I was still in hell. I opened my eyes and I looked around the room, then I got up, walked towards the bedroom door and listened. The house was very quiet, so I walked closer and unlocked the door, hoping that I would be on my own; but as I walked out of the room and down the stairs, I could see mum standing in the kitchen, and she was cooking something.

  I continued down the rest of the stairs and, as I walked into the kitchen, I could see that she had three pig’s feet sticking out of a pot and the whole room stunk of cabbage. ‘I’m cooking you a pig’s trotter for your dinner,’ she said, looking excited as she shook the pot from side to side and then dug at one of the pig’s feet with a huge fork. I looked at her and I told her that I was not going to unpack my suitcase, and that I was going back to Ireland right now. But she just kept prodding at the pig’s feet and she said that she wanted me to stay for a while as it would soon be Christmas, and she said that we would all have a great time being together as a family for the holidays. I couldn’t stop looking at the pig’s feet sticking out of the pot and, for some strange reason, I felt like I wanted to stay for Christmas; so I agreed and I told her that I would only stay until Christmas had finished and then I was going right back to Ireland. She said ok, but then she told me that I had no return ticket, so I would have to stay with her forever, unless I went to Brent council’s social workers and ask them for a ticket back to Ireland. She seemed happy for me that I wanted to go back to Ireland, and she even told me where to find the social workers and how to get the tickets out of them.

  So I put on my coat and I headed off, following her instructions; and after a couple of hours of waiting around the council offices, a social worker agreed to see me and because of my age he agreed to contact my social workers back in Ireland for me. And after an hour, both social workers agreed to supply me with the tickets to go back to Ireland, but only on the condition that all three of us who had come over to England went back to Ireland together.

  I agreed and headed straight back home to tell Simon and Daisy, but Daisy said that she didn’t want to go back to Ireland; she said that she was happy in England and she wanted to stay forever. But really, I knew that she was being pressurised by our older sisters to stay in England; that is why she said no to me, and that’s the real reason why she wanted to stay in England. I told her that I thought we were only in England for a two-week holiday and not to stay forever, but she knew that I was lying, and that I knew we had to stay for good. Plus she said that she wanted to stay as she was having fun. I hated her for saying that and I went back to the council office, and I told the social worker that Daisy didn’t want to go back to Ireland, but I still did. But he told me that we could only go back together or not at all, and his decision was final.

  I headed home again and I gave up trying for now; and for the next few days, I just walked around the streets feeling sorry for myself, wishing that I were back home in Willows, safe in my bedroom. Nobody in London was bothered if I was around or not and I felt lonely because over here everyone just walked past me as if I was invisible.

  Then one evening, while I was in the living room watching TV, Jim came in from the pub and he was drunk. He walked straight past me and went into the kitchen, and then he came back out and asked me to make him an egg on toast. I had never made egg on toast before, but it sounded like fun and I had seen the nuns back in Willows make it before; so I put water and then an egg into a saucepan, then I put it on the stove and I lit the gas. But as soon as the water started to boil, I took the saucepan off the stove, put the egg into an eggcup and gave it to Jim, but I had forgotten all about the toast. He grunted thanks at me and then he broke the top off the egg, but the egg was still like water and it splattered out of the eggcup and onto his clothes. He went mad and shouted at me, calling me all kinds of names and then he said that I was useless and no good to anyone.

  I ran back into the living room, I hid behind the sofa, and I waited for a while until he had
calmed down; then I got up and I sat back down. He then said to make him a cup of tea, so I got up and I went back into the kitchen, but I used the water straight out of the kettle without boiling it and it was only warm and I only dipped the teabag into the cup for about five seconds, so the tea looked like milky water. I had never made tea before and again he went mad when I handed it to him, calling me names and shouting at me like I was nothing; then he got up and chased me out of the living room and he shouted at me again. But this time, he told me to go away and to never come back, so I went up to my bedroom, locked the bedroom door and went to bed, hating all my family and everything about my life.

  The next morning, I was woken by my bed shaking and I couldn’t work out what was going on; then suddenly and even before I had a chance to open my eyes, I felt a hand move under my bedcovers and someone touched the top of my right leg and then they moved their hand over my belly. Quickly, I opened my eyes and it was Jim, he was kneeling down next to my bed and he was touching me; and even though he knew that I had woken up, he continued to move his hand down my belly and into the top of my knickers. I jumped up and, as I turned around, he was still kneeling next to my bed and he was wanking himself off. I shouted at him to stop and, without saying a word, he stood up, walked out of my room, and went down the stairs and into the kitchen; then he sat down at the table next to my mother.

  I got up and followed him down the stairs and into the kitchen; I looked at him sitting in his chair as if nothing was wrong, then I stood next to my mother and I said to him, ‘Jim, could you please keep your dirty perverted hands off of me please? You’re a disgusting filthy pig.’ Then I told my mother that he had come into my room and I had caught him kneeling down beside my bed, and he was rubbing his hands all over me and he also put his hand into my knickers and touched me between my legs while he had a wank.