Right Now

by Marie Hall

  Then she was pulling him down for a hug, and while he didn’t hug her back, he didn’t push her away either. For Ryan, that was huge.

  I heard a sob and saw Lili turn her head as she knuckled a tear from her eye.

  Pulling back, Mom smoothed her top down and then nodded. “Follow me.”

  It was silent as death as we made our way to the backyard. In all my life, I never thought I’d be taking a girl to meet my deadbeat family, but for the first time since I was six I felt a tendril of hope.

  Not for John—I’d severed that relationship permanently and had no regrets. But I couldn’t deny that seeing my mom and the effort she’d put into this… God, I just hoped she didn’t screw this up.

  My palms were tingling, and my blood was pounding through my eardrums when we stepped out back.

  Two sets of eyes I hadn’t seen in over two years turned our way. Uncle David and Aunt Mary. They looked defiant—that was the word. Their chins were pointed high, their eyes cold, and their posture rigid and erect. It was obvious neither one wanted to be here either. More obvious was the effort they put into not looking at Ryan.

  From the corner of my eye I saw a withered frame sitting in a lawn chair tucked within mounds of blankets. Very fine hairs sprouted haphazardly from his mostly bald head. When he turned to look at me I noticed his eyes, which had once seemed so cold and distant, were now looking at me as if silently pleading for forgiveness.

  My reaction was immediate and visceral. White-hot and angry. Clenching my fists, mouth filling with saliva, it was all I could do to stand there and not turn and run. What I really wanted to do was yank him up out of that wheelchair and pummel his face with my fist.

  “Alex,” he said, and his voice was much weaker than when he’d visited me at the coffee shop just a few weeks ago. “You came.”

  I didn’t say anything, just edged in close to Ryan, who was suddenly closing his eyes and standing so still he could have been a statue.

  “I’m glad.”

  “Let’s get one thing straight, John,” I said, sneering his name, “I didn’t come here to make you happy. I did this for Ryan. Period.”

  Saying the name suddenly seemed to make everyone aware that he was even there. All eyes, including my own, turned toward my brooding cousin. As if sensing the looks, he opened his eyes, still not saying a word. After years of living in close proximity to my cousin I knew his moods like the back of my hand. And his was dark and foul.

  Uncle David finally broke the silence. “Well, John, why in the hell are we all here?”

  My mom edged out in front of us. “Why don’t we put the meat on the grill first?” she asked with an eager smile. “It might be best to have this conversation after our stomachs are full.”

  I wanted to hug her, but I also wanted to groan in frustration. She was doing it again. Fixing everything, trying to make it better than it was, trying to sweep it under the rug and make us forget the reality of why we were really here.

  “Sorry, Aunt Jane,” Ryan gritted out, “but I’m not very hungry.”

  Clearing his throat, John shook his head. “Janey, stop. It’s time I do this. I don’t have long on this Earth, so I might as well just say it before I can’t. David, Mary…” He inhaled deeply. “There is no other way to say this than to just say this.”

  He paused and the wait felt unbearable. I could hear the sprinkler running in the neighbor’s yard, hear the yapping of kids somewhere, and feel the shudders of my muscles as they clenched and locked up from being so tense before he finally spoke up again.

  “I did it.”

  Zoe’s fingers clenched my own, tight. Odd, but I’d almost forgotten she’d even come with me. I don’t know what that said about me. But I squeezed them back, unable to speak what was in my head. For so long John had denied it all.

  You could have heard a pin drop; it was like all the Texas heat was suddenly sucked out of the air and my arms and back broke out in a wash of goose bumps.

  “Did what?” David asked.

  “What the hell do you think he’s talking about?” I snapped, whirling on my uncle, in that moment hating him more violently than I ever had. John might have been the one to rape Ryan, but Davids’s lack of belief, of faith, of love, fuck… his entire lack of being any type of a father, had nearly killed my cousin. “Are you really that much of a dumbass? Or do you just enjoy acting like an idiot?”

  David’s eyes grew enormous in his head and, nostrils flaring, he took a step forward, but Aunt Mary laid a restraining hand on his forearm.

  I said bring it on, I was ready for a fight.

  “What?” David roared.

  “Alex, it’s fine.” Ryan turned toward me. “We all know how he is. Why don’t you elaborate, John? Tell him the whole, dirty, unvarnished truth.”

  That Ryan could talk to John at all was a testament of Doc’s skills. Fire burned in his cold blue eyes.

  “I… I…” John swallowed.

  Years ago, this conversation would never have happened. Years ago, my mother would have clapped her hands on his shoulders, stood elbow to elbow with him, and glared at me with all the haughty disdain she could muster. But not today.

  “John, I’ve had enough. Either you tell them or I will,” Mom said.

  “Do you mean that what Ryan said,” Aunt Mary said, swallowing hard, owl eyes huge in her face as she turned toward her son, “it’s… it’s true?”

  Zoe’s body brushed mine, then she moved as tight into me as humanly possible, and I knew she could feel me trembling. I also knew she wouldn’t judge me for it. Right now Zoe was my rock, and I drew my strength from her, grateful she’d tagged along with me today.

  Rather than answer, John cried.

  Aunt Mary shuddered but didn’t say a word. Just dropped like a stone into her chair with a blank, almost disassociated look on her face.

  Taking a stuttering breath, John nodded. “The night…” He cleared his throat. “The night it happened, I… I can’t explain it. I didn’t set out to do that. You have to believe me when I say it wasn’t planned.”

  Lili gripped Ryan and hugged him tight.

  Beside me Zoe’s hair brushed my face as she shook her head. Whether in disbelief, anger, sadness, I had no idea. Me, I wasn’t really feeling much at the moment.

  When no one said anything he continued. “I don’t… God, I never did it again, and I would never and I swear I won’t and…” His voice warbled and then his body was shaking, frail shoulders jerking underneath the heavy tan sweater.

  “Seriously?” Lili scoffed, her face a contorted ugly mask. It was almost frightening the way her mouth scowled and her forehead scrunched, shoving her brows up to her hairline. “He says he raped your son, and you guys still just keep your mouths shut! I can’t fucking believe—”

  Ryan shook his head. Grabbing Lili by the shoulders, he turned her back into his chest and kissed the crown of her head. She was the one shaking now, holding on to his shirt as if clinging to the edge of a cliff for dear life.

  If I’d had to guess who might shout that, I had to admit that Lili wouldn’t have been the one I’d pegged to lose her shit. Or that Ryan would now be the voice of reason.

  “In all the years they’ve known me, I don’t think they ever cared. Did you Mom? Dad?” He chuckled, but it was without humor. “Of course not, because I was always an inconvenience.”

  Aunt Mary gripped the corners of the patio table, making as if to stand. Her mouth was pinched.

  “No, don’t get up.” He held up his hand. “I’ve waited years to get to the point that I could finally tell you guys what I think without losing my head. So here goes.” Ryan pinned Aunt Mary with his gaze first. “I think maybe somewhere, deep down maybe, you might have loved me at some point in your life. Maybe not, though.” He shrugged. “It was always so hard to tell with you. Sometimes I thought so, other times it felt like you couldn’t wait to pawn me off to whoever would take me just so you and David could do whatever the hell it was that you di
d. You.” He turned to David. “You never cared. That day in the grocery store, the day you showed Lili what kind of man you actually were… thanks.”

  David’s brows lifted, a stunned look on his face, like in all the world that was exactly not what he’d expected to hear.

  “What for?” His gruff voice was demanding.

  Ryan’s smile was large. “For teaching me what kind of man I don’t want to be. Especially what kind of father. I have a son, and I love him. And guess what David? He loves me too. I’m a good dad, better than you’ll ever be. You taught me what not to do.”

  “Boy, I clothed you, fed you, made sure you had a roof over your head. And this is the thanks I get?” His face turned a splotchy red.

  “You don’t fucking get it, do you?” I finally found my tongue. “Any lame ass can do that, ever heard of child support?”

  “Don’t you sass me, boy.” David took a step around the table.

  “What you gonna do about it?” I growled. “You gonna hit me? That it? You think I’ll let you?” I snorted. “These words need sayin’. All those fucking years I pretended I was one of you, acting like it didn’t happen, acting like Ryan didn’t live a nightmare and I didn’t witness my disgusting, lowdown dad…” I spat. “…do what he did. So you just shut the hell up, you had years to do it your way. Be uncomfortable, be ashamed. You should be, you sick bastard. You’re just as guilty as your piece-of-shit brother.”

  John was openly bawling now, no longer doing the silent shaking, and I noticed from the corner of my eye that Mom wasn’t over there comforting him. In fact, she was beside Ryan, doing exactly what his parents should be doing. She was showing him support.

  “You don’t talk to me that way, I’m still your uncle!”

  I hissed. “Uncle by blood only. You ain’t nothin’ to me, not now. Never have been. You want to be an uncle, you act like one. You believe your son. You prosecute your brother, you report him to the cops and make him get on a sex offender list, you embarrass the shit out of him, and then you be there for the family. But you weren’t. You looked after you, that’s all you’ve ever done. Even now, even hearing him say it…” I pointed to John. “…you still just stand there. Still defend your position. You know what? I’m done with you. In fact,” I said, tugging gently on Zo’s hand, “I’m done with all of you.”

  “Alex, Ryan, please, I don’t have much time left. I want your forgiveness, need your forgiveness.” John’s voice broke.

  Ryan’s voice was so quiet I almost didn’t hear it. “John, I don’t forgive you. I just don’t have it in me.” Turning, he wrapped his arm across Lili’s shoulder, and after he gave a jerky nod in my direction, they disappeared back through the sliding glass doors.

  “Alex. Please.” John’s rough, scratchy voice halted my steps.

  I closed my eyes. Hating that those words affected me. Made me want to cry. Made my throat burn and my eyes water.

  I opened my eyes to see his withered hand reach out to me. It was all surreal, and I knew this should be turning me into a bloody, wounded mess. But all I felt inside was a giant void, a blackness that had settled in and made it hard to focus, to concentrate. I felt like I was being blasted by sound on all sides so that I couldn’t hear any one individual noise. It was swirling chaos, a vortex of so much and yet nothing at all.

  I shook my head. Though his words made me think for a moment that maybe I should forgive him, it dawned on me that he was using his cancer just like he used everything else. To his advantage. Preying on my sympathies, making me feel bad because he was dying. Well, we all died, some of us sooner than others, but eventually the grim reaper caught up to all of us. It didn’t matter if it was a slow death or a lightning-fast strike, in the end none of us were immune.

  “No, old man, that ship has sailed. Don’t call me again. Don’t come searching for me. Leave my family and me alone.”

  John’s eyes were huge. “You can’t mean that.”

  I clamped down on any emotions that might churn up. “When I see you, all I see is what you did. It haunts me, lives with me, nearly ruined my life. To come to me now, because you had some sort of epiphany…” My jaw clenched. “It’s getting cold out here.” I couldn’t really remember Zoe’s special word, but I hoped she got the message. I was done.

  Gripping Zoe’s hand harder than normal, I turned on my heel. I needed to get out of there, needed to breathe—it was too hot, too small, too much.

  “Alex?” She rubbed my arm.

  I shook my head.

  “Baby.” My mother’s voice was a soft sound behind me.

  My shoulders stiffened, the rebellious side wanting to get the hell away from the place where the nightmare was first born. I turned.

  Looking between me and Zoe, she shrugged. “What now?”

  Zoe rubbed circles on my back, and I latched on to that movement, letting it ground me. Help me focus.

  “I don’t know,” I reluctantly admitted.

  Her hands were up in front of her face in an almost defensive posture. “Can I call you?”

  “Mom.” I blinked hard. “I just… I can’t. I don’t want him knowing anything else about me. I don’t want you telling him anything. I’m sorry.”

  “When he dies?” There was hope in her voice and shock flooded me. She sighed. “I know how awful that sounds. I do. Alex, all those years… I believed you. I was just too…” Her lips pursed and she stared off to the right, looking at her wall of crosses with a pained expression on her face.

  A cold chill ran down my spine. John had been a hard-nosed bastard; I’d always known that. I’d been on the receiving end of his tender mercies more than once. My uncle was the same way, and I’d seen Ryan with bruises almost his entire life. I studied my mom’s face.

  “Did he beat you, Momma?”

  Unshed tears glistened in the whites of her eyes. She didn’t say anything, but she didn’t have to. Her silence was louder than words.

  Overcome with a flood of emotions too painful to name, I walked to her and pulled her roughly into my arms. She wrapped hers around my waist and we stood like that for a while, her shuddering while I tried to let go of the resentment that’d built up like toxins in my bones over the years.

  Finally, she stepped away and wiped her eyes. “I was scared and I was a chicken. I thought I was doing right, but obviously I didn’t, and for that, I’m so, so sorry. You’ll never know how much. I stayed with him for one reason only, to make sure he never did it to anybody else, ever again.”

  The door slid open and I didn’t care who it was.

  “I gotta go, Mom.”

  She nodded and I didn’t look back again.

  That night I held Zoe as I rocked slowly into her body, over and over again. She let me, she held me right back and she loved me and that was enough.

  ~*~

  Zoe

  Against all odds, Alex and I weren’t just making it. We were flourishing. Our relationship had gotten deeper, fuller, and our sex life was just amazing. It always made me laugh when he’d tell me how sex with one girl is better than sex with a thousand.

  I loved this man so much, and I was so grateful for that fortune cookie that led him to my shop.

  I leaned around Lili’s shoulder to smile at Alex. He leaned out from behind Ryan’s shoulder and returned it, and in his eyes I read so much love.

  We’d only been together four months, but sometimes it felt like a lifetime. We’d gone through more in short period than many couples do in three years, but rather than make us weaker, it’s made us stronger.

  “Ryan Luke Cosgrove,” the preacher said in a deep and sonorous voice, the strength of it rolling through the towering Gothic cathedral, “do you take Liliana Rose Delgado to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

  Ryan’s chest puffed out. He looked handsome in his black tux and rich, crimson-colored tie. Tears gathered in the corners of my eyes and I sniffed as I attempted to wipe them away without ruining my mascara.

  If faces could sing, his
was. Love poured out of him and glistened in his eyes. He never took them off her face; he just kept shaking his head like he couldn’t believe this was real.

  Nodding with sure strength, Ryan turned toward Javier and held out his hand. The boy passed him a dainty gold band, and as Ryan slid it on Lili’s finger he said, “I do.”

  Liliana’s shoulders twitched and I knew she was crying. I was, my mascara was definitely running, but I just didn’t care.

  Knowing what these two had been through, I couldn’t not be happy for them.

  I felt the press of eyes and looked up to see Alex smiling at me again. Mouthing silently, he said, “I love you.”

  My heart thumped loudly in my chest and I nodded back. “Love you too,” I mouthed and in his eyes I read the same love his cousin had for Lili.

  “And Liliana, do you take Ryan to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold, to cherish in sickness and in health, all the days of your life?” The minister peered at her over the edge of his wire-rimmed glasses.

  Liliana was a vision in her gown, which was white with bloodred rosettes sewn into the train and bodice. Her dark hair was pulled up high on her head with a few long pieces cascading down her back. Ryan couldn’t seem to keep his hands off her, his hand was constantly straying toward the small of her back, and it was all so disgustingly perfect I knew the smile on my face would be permanently etched in soon.

  “Forever and ever and ever.” And I couldn’t see her face, but I knew she was smiling, I heard it in her voice.

  “Then by power vested in me by the good ol’ state of Texas…” Cheers went up from the modest-sized crowd. “…I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride.”

  With a whoop, Ryan bent her over and laid a kiss on her that was definitely not PG.

  I was laughing right along with everybody else when a strong pair of hands clamped my waist, and dipping me low, Alex consumed my lips with his own.

  I might have been mortified if I cared what anybody else thought, but instead I poured my heart and soul back into him, tasting and feeling and loving.