COCO: You know, I really consider myself lucky that the Ben Schrobenhauser-Clonan thing didn’t kick off a Phish phase for Avery. The only thing I like about Phish is that ice cream. And it’s not even my favorite flavor of Ben & Jerry’s. I like Chocolate Therapy.
Editor’s Note: Maybe I should have edited this thing a little more judiciously. You probably don’t care about Coco’s ice-cream preferences, Ms. Segerson.
BEN: She said only one word—good—and walked out. I didn’t see her for the rest of the afternoon. She was like my pool party Cinderella.
AVERY: I played it cool. For once in my life, I played it cool. It must have been my newfound maturity as a high schooler.
BEN: Well, I probably could have found her if I’d left my room. But I just kept playing the guitar. Also, Cressie had said not to come out.
COCO: Avery came back with a look in her eyes I hadn’t seen since we made the enormous mistake of drinking all those Red Bull Total Zeros on Halloween in eighth grade. We ate all the candy that was supposed to be for trick-or-treaters, learned the choreography to Thriller, Swiffered my entire house, made homemade candy corn, dyed our hair with Kool-Aid, crocheted a blanket, and did all of my mom’s Jillian Michaels fitness DVDs until we passed out sometime around 4:00 a.m. Maybe later. I think I saw the sun rise. But that might have been a hallucination.
Editor’s Note: Please consume Red Bull responsibly. Also, don’t give it to thirteen-year-olds.
AVERY: I saved Coco from the leering presence of Tripp Gomez-Parker—something I obviously failed at senior year, but at least I protected little baby freshman Coco—and told her everything about Ben and our magical meeting.
COCO: I was totally stunned. A sophomore?! Cressida Schrobenhauser-Clonan’s brother?! But mostly I was stunned because Avery hadn’t asked him out right then and there. No. She told me her plan was to wait. Avery. Wait. What kind of plan was that?
AVERY: It turned out to be a very crafty plan. And I didn’t have to wait long.
CRESSIDA: God, how blind I was. What a naïve, Discworld-reading fool! When Ben asked me about the girl in my grade with the long blond hair, I didn’t discern his true intentions. I know—it’s embarrassing how obtuse I was. I realize in hindsight that it was incredibly obvious what his true intentions were. But I barely even looked up from my book at the dinner table as I mumbled the name Avery Dennis in between forkfuls of mashed potatoes. And with that fleeting admission, my whole world changed.
BEN: Even if Cressie hadn’t known who she was, I would have found her. She was all I could think about. I started writing a song called “Heart-Shaped Face and Long Blond Hair.” And another one called “Hot Pink Bikini.” Oh, yeah, and “Pool Party Cinderella.” They were all terrible.
Editor’s Note: “Hot Pink Bikini” is actually pretty catchy. “Heart-Shaped Face and Long Blond Hair” has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. All I remember from “Pool Party Cinderella” was there was a lyric that went “Pool Party Cinderella without a flip-flop to her name,” or something like that. I wonder if it’s still on YouTube.
COCO: I thought Avery was nuts. She was heading into freshman year, completely single! This was a totally crucial time! Obviously, there is nothing wrong with being single. I had just never known Avery to be single. She always had a boyfriend. Or at least a plan for getting her next boyfriend. This time, her plan was just “to wait”? But she was absolutely, positively convinced that Ben was going to ask her out, and as usual, she was right.
Editor’s Note: I think Coco meant “as always.”
HUTCH: It wasn’t long after I met Avery that she started going out with Ben. And the way they started going out was exactly as subtle as AD is. In that way, I guess, they were well matched.
CRESSIDA: Ben has done a lot of dumb things in his life—a lot—but the way he asked out Avery was hands-down the dumbest.
PRINCIPAL PATEL: Four years ago, playing musical instruments was not expressly prohibited in the halls of San Anselmo Prep. It hadn’t occurred to me that was a rule that needed to be explicitly stated in the student handbook. Benvolio Schrobenhauser-Clonan proved me wrong.
CRESSIDA: I didn’t think anything of it when Ben brought his guitar to school. Sometimes his band would use one of the practice rooms during a free period if they were available.
GEORGE LEURCK, former member of the now-defunct band Grapenuts, current Starbucks barista: Oh, man, when Schrobes asked me if I thought I could get a drum kit set up in the hall between second and third period, I thought, Sick! School concert! Then I found out it was about a girl, and well … Yeah, it was still pretty sick. Popped out of history early—grabbed my stomach and moaned, “Emergency!” and Ms. Segerson pointed me toward the door with mad expediency—met Schrobes in the jazz band room, borrowed the drum kit, and out we went to the hallway to set it all up. It was pretty sweet.
Editor’s Note: I had totally forgotten that George called Ben “Schrobes.” It sounds like a disease.
PRINCIPAL PATEL: I suspected, at the time, that this guitar infraction had something to do with Avery Dennis. Addendums to the student handbook usually do.
Editor’s Note: I took this as a tacit admission of guilt that Principal Patel had created his stupid term-limit rule to keep me out of power on the Student Council. I knew it. I KNEW IT.
GEORGE: I’d never seen Schrobes this worked up about a girl. I wouldn’t have called him a grand-gesture kind of guy. He’d never asked me to get out the drum kit before, man. This was real.
CRESSIDA: When I walked out of science and saw my brother and that idiot drummer set up in the hallway, waiting, I assumed the drummer was to blame. Unfortunately, I was wrong.
HUTCH: I held the door and AD walked through. There was already a crowd gathering around the makeshift band in the hallway, wondering what was happening. But the minute AD stepped into the hall, it became pretty clear what was going on. The opening lyrics of that awful “Pool Party Cinderella” song included a pretty exacting physical description of her.
COCO: I can’t believe I missed this. I was heading to my locker from Spanish on the complete opposite end of the building. It was the only time in my life I regretted learning the Spanish language. Mucha tristeza!
GEORGE: It was awesome, man. We were so jamming. I, like, legitimately believed the administration might let us keep playing the entire passing period because we sounded so good.
HUTCH: They were pretty awful. Or maybe it was just the song that was awful.
COCO: “Pool Party Cinderella! Hair so blond it’s almost yellow! Lips as sweet as cherry Jell-O! Oh-a-whoa-whoa-whoa!”
CRESSIDA: I already had to listen to Ben’s stupid band practice at our house every single weekend and alternate Thursdays. I did not need to hear them in the hallways of school. Yet as the first verse of “Pool Party Cinderella” recounted the story of Avery and Ben’s first meeting, I realized my problems were far greater than my dumb brother embarrassing himself with his stupid music at school. No, this was no idle concert. He was wooing the loathsome Avery Dennis. And I was appalled. Because I knew someone as vapid as Avery would be completely taken in by mediocre guitar playing. Any monkey with opposable thumbs can play the guitar.
BEN: No, we weren’t great, and it wasn’t a great song, but I played with my whole heart. I sang into Avery’s eyes and prayed she’d feel what I felt when I saw her leaning against my doorframe.
GEORGE: Schrobes was on fire, man. Don’t let him tell you otherwise. That dude is way too modest. His vocals are always sweet, but they were especially sweet the morning of our epic hallway concert.
BEN: We got through about two and a half verses before Patel shut it down.
GEORGE: Dude, it was so rock and roll. Patel shouted, “Cease and desist!” so we stopped playing, but Avery—the Pool Party Cinderella, if you will—walked right up to Schrobes and planted one on him. Just threw her arms around his neck and started smooching. It was like something out of a movie.
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CRESSIDA: I. Was. Appalled.
HUTCH: Definitely the weirdest first day of school I’d ever had.
AVERY: It was the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for me! How could I not kiss him? He’d written a song for me! And then played it for me! In school!
PRINCIPAL PATEL: It was utterly unacceptable. Obstruction of hallways. Disruption of classes. PDA. Total chaos.
GEORGE: Patel tried to nail me with in-school suspension for “misappropriation of jazz band materials,” but since no jazz band materials had left school grounds, my mom argued him down to detention for “disruption of the educational process.” Ben got the same thing. Also a lecture on PDA.
BEN: That detention was completely worth it. Because it got me Avery.
AVERY: Somehow I escaped with zero consequences and one smoking-hot sophomore boyfriend.
HUTCH: I’m not surprised AD didn’t get in trouble. She’s never gotten in trouble for anything. Including the time she brought a live pig to school.
Editor’s Note: It was a very small pig. And she was very well behaved.
COCO: Like with many of Avery’s relationships, she and Ben went from zero to sixty in fifteen minutes. The minute Ben got out of Principal Patel’s office, they were inseparable. Walking to classes together, holding hands in the hallway, getting busted for making out by the lockers, all of it.
HUTCH: This school needs much more stringent policies on PDA. They were rarely, if ever, busted. I don’t need to see that when I’m trying to learn.
COCO: They even sat together at lunch, bridging the freshman-sophomore lunch-table gap that was previously thought to be unbridgeable.
MEGHAN GOSSNER, hottest girl in last year’s senior class, current freshman Tri-Delt: The nerve of that girl. Seriously. It was unbelievable. She just marched her tiny butt up to our table—our table, a table exclusively reserved for sophomores—and took the best seat by the window, right next to Ben. I fixed her with my most awful glare, which was normally so effective, but it didn’t work at all. Avery Dennis was impervious to my death stare! I’d gotten rid of a long-term sub with that death stare! It was demoralizing, honestly.
COCO: Was I mad that Avery started sitting with the sophomores? No, of course not! She split her lunches between me and Ben. It was very equitable. You need to make time for your relationships. Like, Avery never got mad at me even when I made the huge mistake of volunteering to manage boys’ varsity baseball so I could spend more time with Kevin junior year.
Editor’s Note: It was a huge mistake. No amount of unlimited free sunflower seeds could make up for that time suck. But I never ever said, “I told you so,” because that’s what friends are for.
AVERY: I was totally and completely obsessed with Ben. With all of my boyfriends, I’d mostly hung out with them at school or at camp, but that wasn’t nearly enough Ben time.
CRESSIDA: She came over to our house after school almost every single day. This was before any of us could drive, so she would just get in the car with me and Mom and Ben. I sat in the front with Mom and cranked NPR as loud as I could. It didn’t drown out the sound of their lovey-dovey cooing, unfortunately.
AVERY: We’d do our homework, sort of, but the best part of my day was listening to Ben play.
BEN: When Avery listened to me, I felt like a rock star. Mostly she’d just listen, but she’d hum along sometimes. Avery Dennis is a lot of things, and completely tone-deaf is one of them. Maybe that’s why she thought I was so good.
HUTCH: Have I heard AD “sing”? Yes. Would I call it singing? No.
Editor’s Note: I have never heard Hutch sing, so I tragically have no cause to mock him in return as he almost assuredly deserves to be mocked.
CRESSIDA: I hadn’t thought it was possible, but Ben was now playing the guitar more than ever! I took to wearing my noise-canceling headphones around the house at all times. My headphones, however, couldn’t help with the awful sights that accosted me. Avery Dennis, sitting with her stupid monkey-sock-clad feet up on my couch. Avery Dennis, wandering through the kitchen and eating her way through my cabinets. I didn’t get to eat a single Annie’s Cheddar Bunny for all of freshman year. She always got to them first.
Editor’s Note: I am a sucker for a cheesy snack. Also, those monkey socks were adorable.
BEN: It was so great having Avery over all the time. She fit right in with my family. Mom and Dad loved her, and she got along great with Cressie.
CRESSIDA: She’d steal Ben’s sweatshirts and take the best seat on the couch and hog the remote and make me watch all these awful reality shows and tell me everything that was wrong with my eyebrows. It was horrible. I was living on eggshells, terrified I’d do something she’d deem dorky and report it back to the rest of the popular-bots so they could shame me forever.
Editor’s Note: I was honestly trying to help her with her eyebrows. I offered to pluck them and everything! I meant it nicely, like how I always do Coco’s eyebrows. But I can see now why she might not have interpreted it in the best possible way.
COCO: Ben really only had one problem. A fatal flaw, if you will.
AVERY: His band practiced. A lot. And they played gigs. A lot. Well, I think you could call them gigs. They played at retirement homes, bowling alleys, teen centers, under a bridge, basically anywhere that would have them. And it was totally fine, at first! I loved watching Ben play. And hearing him sing. And the rest of Grapenuts wasn’t half bad either. But that “at first” was key. That “at first” was where the problem lay.
BEN: Avery was the best. She’d come to every single practice and sing along in her off-key voice. She was always the loudest person cheering at all of our gigs—sometimes she was the only person cheering. Or the only person there. But if Avery was there, that was all that mattered. She was as loud as a stadium anyway. Yeah, she was the best. In the beginning, anyway.
AVERY: It’s hard being a rock star’s girlfriend. Who has time for all of that gigging? I had a social life of my own! It was so exciting at first, but then it just got exhausting. Plus, I was only a freshman, so I couldn’t drive. Maybe the relationship would have lasted longer if I’d had a car.
PAMELA DENNIS aka MOM, mother: Oh, yes, I remember the Ben years. Year? It was less than a year? It felt longer than that. That was the fall I turned chauffeur. Well, into more of a chauffeur than usual. Sometimes Avery could get a ride with the band, but more often than not, it was the two of us driving up and down the 101. On the positive side, I think that was the only time I ever finished every selection for my book club. Those books on tape were a godsend.
Editor’s Note: They absolutely were not a godsend. Nothing puts me to sleep faster than a book on tape. And then Mom would yell at me for not entertaining her. Hello, if you want me to provide scintillating conversation, don’t put on a book on tape! You can’t have it both ways, Pamela!
COCO: Did I go to any of the Grapenuts shows? Sure, a couple. But they were just never-ending!
MOM: There are limits to what even the most indulgent of mothers can stand. About three months in, I quit. Avery would have to find her own way if she wanted to continue her career as Grapenuts’s number one fan. And she did continue … for a while. For another three months, maybe?
AVERY: It was a lot, okay? It was too much.
HUTCH: So AD dumped him because of scheduling? Seems a little drastic. She could have just gone to fewer shows.
AVERY: At the time, it seemed easier to dump Ben than to tell him I wanted to stop going to all of his shows. I was afraid I would hurt his feelings! But now that just seems kind of … lame. And immature.
BEN: I didn’t see it coming. Not at all. That girl ripped out my heart.
CRESSIDA: Of course I saw it coming. Avery Dennis is one of the most self-centered, immature people I know. There’s no way someone like that can have a functional relationship with someone like Ben, who is, for all his faults, a kind and caring person. I’m only surprised she decided to c
ut off her access to unlimited Cheddar Bunnies. Maybe she’d moved on to a new snack food.
Editor’s Note: Maybe the thing I’d learned the most from this project was that Cressida really, really doesn’t like me. I should probably get her some Cheddar Bunnies.
GEORGE: When Pool Party Cinderella dumped Schrobes, it kicked off a time I like to call Grapenuts’ Blue Period. All of our songs were sad, man. So sad. There was “Broken Heart,” “Heart Broken,” “Endless Sadness,” “Crying in the Cafeteria” … It was bleak.
BEN: I was a total angsty cliché. I can laugh about it now, but at the time, I thought my life was over. I would sit in class, openly weeping. What’s really shocking is that no one made fun of me. An almost-six-foot-tall almost-sixteen-year-old just crying his emo little eyes out. Man, I never gave my classmates enough credit for their sensitivity.
CRESSIDA: Avery ruined Ben. He cried in school all day. He cried when Mom drove us home. He cried when we got home. He cried cuddling a tearstained picture of Avery. He cried playing those awful songs he’d written for her. He didn’t do anything but cry.
GEORGE: I tried to break him out of the blues. I wrote a song called “The Cuttlefish’s Backyard”—it was kind of like a tribute to “Octopus’s Garden.” I had always considered myself the Ringo of Grapenuts.
COCO: “If a cuttlefish invites you over, don’t you dare refuse! There’ll be a backyard swing set; we can swing in ones and twos!”
Editor’s Note: HOW DOES SHE KNOW THIS??? Seriously, HOW? Guess I wasn’t Grapenuts’s biggest fan.
GEORGE: Schrobes was usually very receptive to my flirtations with songwriting, but not this time. Said he couldn’t do the joie de vivre of the cuttlefish justice. He could only express pain through music.
CRESSIDA: I gave him some suggestions for song titles—“Avery Dennis Is So Not Worth It” was among my favorites—but he wouldn’t hear it. He wouldn’t even let me say anything bad about her! He just cried and cried … It was awful.
HUTCH: It just seems a little cold, dumping someone because you think he’s overscheduled. Especially because he sounds like a, uh, extra-sensitive dude. That’s all I’m saying.
It's Not Me, It's You Page 8