COCO: I don’t think she broke up with Ben because of his schedule. Or even because of Grapenuts. I think it was because of … the other thing.
Editor’s Note: Oh, no, not the other thing. I didn’t even want to think about the other thing. I had hoped we could just talk about the schedule and move on. I guess that’s what’s so hard about recording history, right, Ms. Segerson? When you are your own unreliable source … It’s hard to stay objective.
HUTCH: The other thing? Oh, no. Usually when AD can’t name what a thing actually is, it’s bad. Like the Peanut Butter Popcorn Problem. The Nils Debacle. The Luke Murphy Incident. If this is just called the Other Thing, it must be really bad.
Editor’s Note: I’m sorry, Ms. Segerson, but you’ll lose all respect for me if I explain the Peanut Butter Popcorn Problem. I just can’t.
AVERY: Nobody but Coco knows about the other thing. And Ben, of course. Poor Ben.
BEN: Do I remember what happened right before we broke up? Yeah, how could I forget? This was not a moment you could forget—much as I might have wanted to. I had never said “I love you” before. Well, to like, my mom and stuff, but never to a girl. But I had zero doubts! I was totally sure. We’d been together for about six months, and I was head over heels, one hundred percent, completely in love with Avery Dennis. And I couldn’t wait to tell her. It was also, uh, Valentine’s Day, so I figured it was perfect timing.
Editor’s Note: The awful story was speeding at me like a train. Had I ruined Ben forever? This seemed like the kind of thing that could cause deep emotional scarring. Wounds that would never heal. Was Ben ever able to love again?! I didn’t want to hear this. But I knew I had to. And also I can’t believe I destroyed him on Valentine’s Day. WHO DOES THAT?? WHO IS THAT MEAN?! Me, that’s who.
GEORGE: Schrobes told me what he was planning. I thought he was gonna want some drumming backup, considering I was there when it all began. But he said no. Wanted it to be private. Turned out to be a good thing, considering what happened.
COCO: Avery went over to Ben’s house all the time after school. There wasn’t anything out of the ordinary the day of, um, the other thing. Did I know it was coming? No. No, I had no idea. Ben and I didn’t really talk much outside of Avery-related situations. Although … It was Valentine’s Day. I guess I should have seen this coming.
AVERY: I had thought we were done with Valentine’s Day. He’d left a red rose in my locker, which was totally romantic, and I was completely satisfied on the valentines front. Contrary to popular belief, I am not as demanding as one might think. Especially when it comes to gifts. I generally prefer the gifts I buy myself.
CRESSIDA: If I had known what Ben was planning, I would have stopped him. Instead, I sat in that car pool placidly listening to NPR, in complete ignorance of the total mortification that was awaiting my brother when we arrived at home.
AVERY: Ben went straight upstairs, but I went into the kitchen to get sodas and Cheddar Bunnies. We were allowed to hang out in his room as long as we kept the door open, and he had one of those squishy circle chairs that I totally love, so we did our homework in there a lot. I tried to make conversation with Cressida, but she was ignoring me, as usual. She wouldn’t even look up from her book.
CRESSIDA: Blah, blah, blah. She went on and on, stuffing Cheddar Bunnies into her yammering maw. I was relieved when Ben called out for her and she took her sodas and snacks and got away from me so I could do my homework in peace. Had I gotten anything for Valentine’s Day? No, no I hadn’t. Well, my mom put a card in my backpack, but I don’t think that counts … There was someone I thought might give me something, but now that I think about it, he’s way too smart to buy into a holiday manufactured by the corporate greeting card conglomerate. Frankly, I think it shows far more regard for me that he didn’t get me anything.
AVERY: All the lights were off in Ben’s room, but he’d lit candles everywhere. Like a crazy amount of candles. He was standing in the middle of the room, guitar on the strap around his neck, smiling the special way he smiled whenever he saw me. I had no idea what was going on. He started playing a song, a new song, and the chorus was “I love you, Avery,” and I knew I was supposed to feel happy, so happy, but I just … I just …
BEN: She panicked. Completely freaked out. I finished my song, said, “I love you, Avery,” and she looked … horrified.
AVERY: I dropped the sodas. And I just ran.
BEN: Yeah, she just hightailed it out of there. Actually, I think she said, “I can’t,” before she dropped the sodas and started running.
CRESSIDA: I found Ben standing in the middle of his room, crying. I blew out all the candles before he burned the house down. Then I asked Mom if we could order a barbecue chicken pizza, because I honestly had no idea how to respond to this situation but figured getting Ben’s favorite food couldn’t hurt.
COCO: I found Avery wandering down Sir Francis Drake Boulevard. After I’d gotten a very distressed, extremely garbled series of texts, I came to find her. I got a ride from my cousin Dan, and then that turned out to be a whole different situation … but we can get into that later. I pulled Avery into Dan’s car and buckled her seat belt for her. She was completely white.
HUTCH: But what I don’t understand is why? Why had this happened? Aside from all the band stuff, it sounded like things were really good. What had gone wrong?
AVERY: Nothing had gone wrong. That was the problem. I just … didn’t love him. And that almost felt like the worst thing of all.
BEN: No, I wasn’t emotionally scarred forever. It sucked—it completely sucked—but that was, what, four years ago? Trust me, I’ve moved on. I don’t even hate Valentine’s Day anymore. The next time I told a girl I loved her, she said it back.
AVERY: I was horrible. No wonder Cressida hated me. I was exactly the self-centered person she thought I was. Only someone selfish would have run away from Ben like that. I should have at least, like, taken a moment to process, and started a dialogue with him, or something.
HUTCH: I thought AD was being a little hard on herself. She maybe could have handled things better, but she was only fifteen! I know the only thing I loved at fifteen was BattleBots.
BEN: Seriously, no hard feelings at all. Avery completely crushed me, but I think sometimes sixteen-year-olds need to be crushed. It builds character. It writes songs, you know what I mean? She was my first love and my first heartbreak. Grapenuts may have broken up, but my Pool Party Cinderella will always live on in my memories.
COCO: For someone who’s had as many boyfriends as Avery has … has she ever been in love? Hmm. Good question. You know what? I don’t think so.
Editor’s Note: I don’t think so either, Coco.
HUTCH: Do I think it’s weird that AD’s never been in love? Honestly? Not at all. AD’s a pretty extraordinary person. It’d be hard to find someone who deserves her.
Editor’s Note: Hutch was being bizarrely complimentary. All those watermelon Sour Patches I fed him to keep his energy up must have sweetened his disposition.
COCO: This wasn’t the first time Avery started a new relationship hot on the heels of the old one’s demise. She’s like a dating phoenix. Straight up from the ashes into the arms of someone new. When I asked Dan to help me find Avery after the Valentine’s Day Massacre, I did not think I was acting as a new-boyfriend delivery service. But that’s exactly what I was.
Editor’s Note: Valentine’s Day Massacre!? Really, Coco?!
DANIEL KIM, Coco’s cousin, rising MIT sophomore, ex-boyfriend: I had just gotten my license. The only car I had access to was my mom’s old minivan, and it was pretty horrifying. But that was the ride I was rocking when I met Avery.
COCO: Aunt May and Dan came to stay with us for a little bit, because my uncle had left them for his high school girlfriend. They had reconnected on Facebook and it was this huge scandal, because my family has, like, a very low rate of divorce compared to the national average. And also because I think
people are always interested in social media affairs. So anyway, Aunt May and Dan had moved in with us a couple weeks after Christmas, but between school break and all the time Avery was spending with Ben, she hadn’t met Dan yet. I should have seen this coming when I asked him to drive me—he is male, after all—but I didn’t. I just saw a warm body with a driver’s license.
DAN: It had been a very weird couple of months. But at the time, I wasn’t exactly, uh, processing things. I decided to deal with my dad leaving us for some former cheerleader by ignoring it, bothering my dear cousin Coco, and focusing on my robotics team.
HUTCH: Robotics, huh? Coco had never mentioned she had a cousin who did robotics. I wonder if he was any good. Probably not. I’d never heard of him. I mean, not that I’m extremely well versed in current robotics competition stats, but I’m pretty familiar with the top tier of competitors. I stopped competing in middle school—there were other areas of the sciences I wanted to focus on—but I still liked to keep a hand in the robotics world.
Editor’s Note: OMG, Hutch, jealous much?? The problem with this format, Ms. Segerson, is that it is impossible to convey tone. So let me just express to you clearly here that Hutch sounded mad jealous. Like how dare I know anyone else who is smart in science! Hutch doesn’t have a monopoly on robots!
DAN: Coco was nuts on the drive over. “Containment is our chief goal, Daniel. We need to have a flexible response capability.” It was like driving around with a very tiny, very chatty minister of foreign affairs.
COCO: Much of Kennedy’s foreign policies can be proscribed to any kind of crisis. Rule one: Containment. Make sure the drama doesn’t spread. Contain the issue to the issue itself. For example, your relationship has ended. That just means one relationship has ended. It doesn’t mean you’ll be alone forever. See? Containment works for communism and breakups. Rule two: Always have a flexible response capability. No two crises are alike. What worked for one breakup may not work for another. Be prepared to cry, be prepared to go to Taco Bell, be prepared to egg someone’s house. Always respond to the situation in a flexible way.
DAN: After listening to Coco talk the whole drive over, the Avery I saw was not the Avery I was expecting. I was expecting a dynamo—maybe some yelling? Possibly angry crying? But what I saw was a sad, pale, quiet girl. Coco buckled her in and sat with her in the backseat, holding her hand. I don’t think she said anything on the ride back to Aunt Alice’s house.
Editor’s Note: Aunt Alice is Coco’s mom.
COCO: The afternoon of the Valentine’s Day Massacre was a prime example of why the flexible response capability was so important. This was a brand-new breakup reaction. I had never seen Avery this quiet. Never. I took her home with me, wrapped her up in a blanket, sat her down at the kitchen table, and fed her some seolleongtang, which my mom had frozen and stockpiled in case of further Aunt May emotional crises. Wait—to be clear, Avery fed herself. I might baby my friends a little, but I don’t baby them that much.
Editor’s note: According to Wikipedia, “Seolleongtang is a Korean broth soup made from ox bones.” Oh my God, I ate a bone soup?! Although actually, bone broth is really trending right now. I keep seeing all these models Insta-ing their bone broths. Coco has always been ahead of the curve.
AVERY: I was in shock, but I wasn’t so out of it that I couldn’t register that that soup was freakin’ delicious. I ate three bowls.
DAN: The seolleongtang seemed to perk her up a lot. I’d also never seen anyone except my dad eat three bowls in one sitting, so I was pretty impressed. I was sitting at the other end of the kitchen table, tinkering with some mechanics. That was the year of the Rebound Rumble—we had to build a robot that could compete in a modified basketball game.
HUTCH: Oh, sure, the Rebound Rumble. I remember it only because it was an exceptionally weak year.
COCO: Dan didn’t start coming to San Anselmo Prep with me. He went to Sir Francis Drake High—close enough that he could keep going there even when he moved in with us. And he could keep doing his robot team stuff. Oh my God, Dan’s robotics team was the constant highlight of the Kim Family E-Newsletter. Headline after headline about his miraculous feats of robotics. And it’s not just the newsletter, either. Seriously, every conversation with Nana Kim starts out “Oh, did you see how well Daniel is doing? That boy is so smart. Coco, you should be more like Daniel. Coco, what was the last contest you won? Coco, what is your GPA?” On and on and on about the robots he made and the awards he won and the perfection that is Daniel Kim. And when I made a pair of pants all by myself, did anyone care? No. No, they did not. Listen, I know it’s not Dan’s fault that everyone is obsessed with him, but that doesn’t mean his brilliance is my favorite topic of conversation. Those pants I made had a button fly. Do you know how hard that is as a novice seamstress? And there was detailing on the pockets, too. But I knew Dan was going through a hard time, so I tried not to get annoyed by the robot parts all over the place.
HUTCH: So why are Liam’s Warhammer figures unacceptable, but this kid’s robots are totally okay? This makes no sense to me. What’s the double standard here? Why are robots less embarrassing than Warhammer miniatures? I was also wondering if AD had some kind of secret nerd fetish.
DAN: I promise I was not thinking about making a move on Avery while she was sadly eating soup at Aunt Alice’s kitchen table. I’m worried I’ll come off like some kind of rebound relationship scavenger in this … What is this again? School project? Really? Huh. Okay. I noticed that Avery was pretty, sure—I mean, I have functioning optic nerves—but I wasn’t about to hit on someone in emotional distress.
AVERY: I was in way too weird a mood to notice that Dan was cute. Well, maybe I noticed him a little bit. He has really shiny dark hair, and it kept flopping in his eyes in the cutest way as he worked. He has really nice hands, too. I couldn’t stop watching him while he was building widgets or whatever. Oh, man, maybe I noticed him a lot. And on the same day of the Valentine’s Mas—other thing! How could I have forgotten about Ben so fast?! Cold as ice, ninth-grade Avery. You were cold as ice.
COCO: At the time, I thought my mom had made some magic soup, but I think the real reason Avery started perking up was Dan. I had thought she was just staring off into space, but she was probably just staring at Dan. So she moved on fast. It’s not a crime! Avery processes things more quickly than most people. Was I happy that Avery had moved on to my cousin? Well. Um.
Editor’s Note: The following instances are probably the closest Coco and I have ever come to having an “issue” in our long and illustrious history of best-friendship.
COCO: Listen—I love Avery, I really do. And in theory, did I have any problems with her dating Dan? No, of course not! Like, in an ideal world, I would love it if they got married. For sure. But it’s a long way from high school to the altar. And Avery has a history of, a history of, well … I’m sorry, Avery. I don’t know how to say this. I just didn’t want Dan to get hurt.
AVERY: Coco never told me she didn’t want me to date Dan. I just want to make that clear.
COCO: I didn’t know Avery was going to date Dan until they were dating! It was very sneaky. I mean, I obviously wouldn’t have forbidden it or anything. I just would have … Well, I don’t know what I would have done. But I would have appreciated slightly more of a heads-up.
AVERY: There was no heads-up to be given. It was a total whirlwind romance.
DAN: She called it a whirlwind romance? I don’t know if I’d go that far. Avery came home with Coco almost every day after school, and she kept migrating around the kitchen table, each day sitting just a little bit closer to me. Well, I found out later that’s what she’d been doing. I didn’t notice until she was sitting right next to me and her knee bumped my knee.
AVERY: Dan had a remarkable amount of focus for a teenage boy. All he saw were robot parts. I could have done a cartwheel through the kitchen and he wouldn’t have noticed.
DAN: Yeah, I guess I’m a little, u
h, obtuse when it comes to girls. And I was even worse back then.
AVERY: He was getting none of my hints. So I wrote, “Kiss me?” on a ripped-off piece of notebook paper and slid it right under his nose. That hint he got.
COCO: I went to the bathroom for two minutes. Seriously—two minutes! And when I came back, they were kissing. And that’s how Avery’s next boyfriend was born. Well, not born. You know what I mean.
BIZZY STANHOPE: Oh, yes, I remember Daniel, Avery’s “outside-of-school” boyfriend. I’m using air quotes because it was totally obvious that Avery just made him up. Avery mysteriously gets a boyfriend none of us have ever seen before, who just happens to be her best friend’s cousin? Please. It’s too convenient. Daniel Kim never existed. Avery created a pretend boyfriend because she obviously went insane when she dumped Ben Schrobenhauser-Clonan and her mind couldn’t deal with the trauma of being single.
HUTCH: I was always happier when AD was dating someone outside of school. Meant I didn’t have to watch her make out with whoever the boyfriend of the moment was.
Editor’s Note: Who knew Hutch was such a puritan about PDA? He could have a promising career as a high school dance chaperone. Maybe here at San Anselmo Prep. Our chaperones are tough. One time, Bizzy Stanhope got busted for inappropriate dancing and it was amazing.
COCO: I wanted to be happy for them—I really, really did—but it was just awkward! My best friend and my cousin. My cousin and my best friend! And every time I turned a corner, there they were, kissing. Nowhere was safe!
Editor’s Note: Did I just spend all of freshman year terrorizing people by making out with their male relatives in their homes? Because that’s kind of what it sounds like. I’m sorry, Coco!
DAN: I feel like I wasn’t as sensitive as I could have been—Coco ended up being a major third wheel. I probably should have taken Avery out of the house more. But I was sixteen and stupid. I thought Avery watching me make robots was a perfect relationship.
It's Not Me, It's You Page 9