by Sarah Kleck
“Wow, that’s fabulous!” Sally said.
“You think?” he replied. “Then you should see Jared. I’ve never beaten him.” He shook his head with wounded pride.
“Jared Calmburry?” Sally followed up. “Is he a friend of yours?”
“Yes and yes,” he said and looked at me. “The best I’ve ever had.”
“You’re friends with that arrogant bastard?” Felix said, only to receive a glare from Colin, who looked like he wanted to rip Felix’s head off.
“Oh, you know him?” Colin asked in a challenging tone.
“I know enough guys like him,” Felix said with narrowed eyes. “Throws around cash as if he’s damned Bill Gates.” He snorted with contempt.
“You know no one like him.” Colin took a step toward Felix. “And you’d better watch your mouth, my friend!”
“I’m not your damned friend!” Now Felix took a step toward Colin, firmly gripping the cue. I was sure he’d use it as a weapon if he felt forced to do so.
“You don’t say!” Colin took another step.
“Okay, that’s enough,” I said with a firm voice and stepped between the two snarling dogs. “Maybe we’ll have the game some other time.” I turned to Sally. “Come on, let’s go home, it’s been a long day. Felix, will you walk with us?” Colin and Felix glared at each other, then Colin calmly turned his head and held his hand out to Sally.
“It’s been a pleasure meeting you, Sally.” He flashed his breathtaking smile. “I hope we see each other again soon.” She turned red. Then he turned to me and also gave me his hand. “I’m delighted to have run into you again, Evelyn.” He leaned in close to me. Felix stiffened. “Please don’t let anyone try to convince you of anything. Form your own opinions of people.” He leaned even closer and whispered, “You won’t regret it.” He winked at me, glared again at Felix, then turned and left.
Won’t regret it? The line echoed in my head as Felix and I went through the dimly lit streets back to my dorm after we had dropped Sally at her door. I had felt as if I was in a guessing game since arriving at Oxford. It was obvious Colin was saying I should form my own opinion of Jared. But it was a mystery why I would not regret it. For that I would have to get to know him first, but after my last encounter in the lecture hall and him vanishing without a trace from the pub—provided that really was him, because I was not 100 percent sure—it appeared as if he didn’t want to know me. So it wasn’t my decision. It was really up to Jared whether I could form an opinion of him.
Felix hugged me outside the heavy door to my dorm, kissed my cheek, and gently brushed my hair, which was a little too touchy-feely for my taste.
“I’m sorry about what happened to your parents. Don’t worry too much, or it’ll pull you down,” he quietly said and headed for home.
CHAPTER 6
When my alarm rang, I fumbled for it on the nightstand without opening my eyes. As soon as I was able to lay a hand on that nerve-killing thing, I pressed the snooze button and pulled the covers over my head. Five minutes later, my tormentor rang again, and I got up grumbling and trotted into the bathroom to get ready for the day.
I’d adjusted well to Oxford over the past few weeks. I got into such a good routine that one would believe I’d been here for years—but it hadn’t even been two months. It was only six weeks, to be precise. Six weeks that, when I thought about them, had mostly brought good things.
The great friendship that had developed between Sally, Felix, and me was particularly delightful. We had lunch together most days and usually sat together when we had the same classes. And then there was our weekly study group. So far, we’d mostly met at Sally’s because she had the most space in her place, and her mother, Pamela, usually worked at the hospital on Thursdays.
It was also good that I was able to keep up well with my course work despite missing the first trimester, and I had no real difficulties understanding the subject matter in any of my classes—except for statistics, of course.
The negative . . . Well, you probably couldn’t call being ignored by someone you don’t actually know negative. But the really bad part was that being ignored by a stranger meant so much to me. I couldn’t stop thinking about him even though he didn’t seem to notice me anymore. Worse yet, the less attention he paid me, the more my interest in Jared Calmburry grew.
After his sudden disappearance from Berry’s, I intended to confront him about why he’d reacted so strangely in the lecture hall and avoided me ever since. But that turned out to be more difficult than I anticipated. Felix had prepared me for Jared always being surrounded by his group, but that was an understatement—they were outright shields for him. It almost appeared as if the guys he surrounded himself with were not his friends but his bodyguards. Whenever I attempted to talk to him, someone just happened to block my way and Jared was gone. I realized pretty soon that there was just no getting to him. To top it all off, Jared never even dignified me with a single look when we met by accident—whether in town, in a lecture, or in the dining hall. In the end, I lost heart and gave up on him. I was forced to accept the fact that I was invisible to Jared. Although I didn’t appear to exist to him, it didn’t stop me from casting furtive glances at him at every opportunity.
I couldn’t help it. I even went so far as to sit a few rows behind him just so I could watch him unobserved. I attentively followed each of his hand movements and tirelessly attempted to read his thoughts from his facial expressions. I’d become really good at tuning out ambient noise when Jared spoke so I could hear his voice. One among hundreds.
The force of attraction he exercised over me, despite his apparent disinterest, was almost magical. And that was definitely not good for me.
“Study group—six o’clock at my place,” Felix said as I made my way to Somatic Psychology that Thursday after lunch. I hoped Sally would hold back with her needling so we could really use the time for studying. When she picked me up at my dorm, as agreed, we walked through streets slippery from the gradually melting snow. Dusk settled. Since my already-crappy sense of direction abandoned me completely in the dark, it took my full concentration to memorize the way. We heard music at the end of the street, which appeared to come from a large building ahead of us. Sally groaned. Hadn’t Felix talked about the constant parties at his place?
Sally shut her eyes. “This can’t be happening! Felix said there wouldn’t be a party tonight!”
We entered the lighted entrance area, where Felix met us with a conciliatory gesture.
“No party tonight, right?” Sally said.
“Sorry,” Felix said, visibly embarrassed. “But come in.”
Head slumped, he led us up the stairs to his room.
“I knew that nothing was going to happen on my floor today, but I never thought about the ground floor.” He raised his hands. “Sorry!”
“I think we’ll manage,” I said. Sally gave me an angry look. “It’s not that loud.” And it really wasn’t. You could hear the bass but the guests were pretty quiet. At least so far.
“Let’s get started before they start in on the piñata!” Sally said sarcastically and started to dig her papers out of her bag. Felix gave a guilty nod.
As I looked around, I noticed his room was slightly larger than mine. Apart from a bed and nightstand, he had a cabinet and a dresser, just as I did. But Felix also had a set of chairs he had placed by a large bay window. The room appeared tidy except for a dried-out plant beside his bed, which had obviously seen better days. But there was something missing.
“Don’t you have a bathroom?” I asked.
“Shared bathrooms,” Felix said. In that case, my room was clearly preferable.
Sally urged, “Let’s get started,” and sat down on one of the two chairs at the table. “What should we do first?” she asked and motioned for me to take the chair next to her.
“Stats, if you two don’t mind,” I
said as Felix pulled over his desk chair with a scraping noise and sat down with us. “I want to go over probability calculations again.”
“No sweat,” Felix said and looked over my folder with interest. “So . . . probability calculation attributes to each event a probability of its occurrence . . .” He spent the next two hours turning me into a stats ace.
“That’s enough,” Sally said shortly after eight and shut her folder. “I feel like my head is about to explode,” she added and rubbed her temples. I had to agree with her. Grateful and exhausted, I collected my things and stashed them in my bag.
“What do you think, girls?” Felix asked while dragging the chair back to the desk. “Since there’s a party here, we might as well join in, right?” He shrugged. “Do you feel like it?”
“I’m pretty tired,” I said, yawning and stretching my arms.
Sally appeared determined not to miss the fun. “Come on.” She pulled me up by my arm. “One drink.”
I was pretty beat, but I didn’t want to be a stick-in-the-mud, either. “Oh fine,” I said, giving in. “But just one.”
“You can leave your things here,” Felix said and started toward the door. I followed them downstairs.
At the bottom of the staircase, a couple was busy kissing and had settled on a step, blocking our path. Since the lovebirds made no effort to allow us any room to walk past, Sally, Felix, and I were forced to step over them. On the ground floor, the party was in full swing. In the hallway and the rooms, whose doors were wide open, several people milled around drinking from plastic cups and beer bottles. Somebody had dimmed the lights with colorful scarves and silk cloths to create a great ambience. In one of the rooms, an oversized sound system had been set up. It was responsible for the bass reverberating throughout the building. Felix led Sally and me into a room in the middle of the hallway. A wobbly camping table held a beer keg and several bottles of cheap whiskey and Coke. As if it were the most natural thing, he flipped the tap and handed us plastic cups overflowing with foam.
“Cheers,” he said, grinning as he raised his cup.
“Cheers,” Sally and I said in sync and raised our cups. Sally appeared to be in her element and began swaying to the music.
“I’m going to make the rounds,” she said a moment later and headed out the door.
“MacMillan, how are you? Long time no see!” a deep voice loudly called out behind me. A big strawberry-blond guy roughly pushed me aside and headed toward Felix. He shook Felix’s hand while talking loudly. Then he pulled Felix close, hugged him, and patted him forcefully on the back.
“O’Malley, you Irish bog rat!” Felix said, grinning. “About time you showed yourself around here again.”
I felt a bit uncomfortable between the two guys. So I decided to take off and look for Sally. “I’ll have a look around,” I shouted to Felix, who was so deeply involved in conversation with the strawberry-blond hulk that he didn’t appear to hear me. In the hallway, I pushed through the laughing and dancing crowd to look for Sally. After a few minutes, I spotted her purple hair at the end of the long hallway. I laughed and shook my head when I saw her. How did she manage to find Colin among all these people in such a short time? Did she know he would be here? I took a step closer to see better. She was standing on her tiptoes to make up for their difference in height.
Although he had bent down toward Sally, he was still at least a head taller. While she was talking to him, animated and wildly gesticulating, beer spilled out of her cup onto her hand and then the floor. Colin seemed to be paying close attention to her and smiling all the time. Sally and I had talked several times about Colin, so I knew all too well how serious a crush she had on him. It was lovely that they had finally found each other.
Suddenly, a thought came to me while I was standing there watching the two of them: if Colin was at this party . . . was he here, too? It certainly wasn’t improbable since I usually saw Jared and Colin together. An unfamiliar heat suddenly spread from my stomach. My hands were moist. If Jared really was here, should I try to talk to him? After all, we were at a party and everyone was a bit more relaxed than usual. Maybe he wouldn’t avoid me this time. I started turning around, frantically looking for him. Why was just the thought of Jared making me so agitated? In the hope of calming down, I took two large sips of beer. It helped—but not much. Calm down. He’s probably not here and you’re driving yourself crazy for nothing.
A second later, I felt someone staring at me. I quickly turned around and looked straight into Madison’s angry red face. Her hate-filled eyes were narrowed to slits. What’s her problem now? She looked at me, then to the side. When I followed her glance, it was as if I’d been struck by lightning. Jared! He was coming through the crowd toward me. My heart skipped and sank to the bottom of my stomach.
Suddenly, I realized why Madison was so enraged. Only a few steps separated Jared and me. I just stood there with wide eyes as if rooted to the ground, my heart pounding in my throat, and my hands were so clammy that I could barely hold my cup. Then, he was in front of me and looked at me with his deep blue eyes. Hadn’t I wanted to ask him something? I couldn’t remember how to speak. If I were to open my mouth, I’d probably only babble.
“Hi,” said Jared in a gentle voice. He looked deeply into my eyes.
“Hi . . . ,” I said.
Instead of saying something else, he just stared at me. It felt as if he was looking into my soul. As if he knew all my secrets from a single glance. Everything I had ever done, thought, or felt. It was thrilling and frightening at the same time. I wished he would say something. Anything to relax the situation a little. But Jared looked at me unperturbed. And despite the uncomfortable feeling he caused inside me, I could not turn away.
His intense, captivating look made me believe I would be lost in the depths of those blue eyes. Only my last ounce of reason kept me from throwing my arms around his neck and begging him to be with me forever.
“Are you happy, Evelyn?” The melodic sound of his voice caught me completely unprepared. I needed a moment to regain my balance. Couldn’t he just say something normal? Something that didn’t pull the rug out from underneath me? Something banal like everyone else says?
Was I happy? Why did he ask me that? Could I ever be happy after all that had happened in my life? Had I ever been happy?
“Are you happy?” It burst out of me before I’d even completed the thought.
“No,” he said without looking away. “Can you be happy when what you desire most will bring you to your doom?” Unspeakable sadness resonated in his voice and caused me to shiver all over. Although I didn’t have the slightest idea what Jared was talking about, I somehow felt . . . struck. As if his question had something to do with me.
“Probably not,” I said. Jared narrowed his eyes in concentration. It was apparent that he was suffering. I didn’t know why, but I suddenly had the urge to comfort him. Without thinking or even being aware of what I was doing, I extended my hand and took hold of his. It was firm and warm. An intense tingle pervaded my entire body from the tips of my toes to the ends of my hair and only allowed me to breathe in bursts. My heart lost its rhythm and hammered wildly in my chest. He stared at me with wide eyes. Jared obviously needed a moment to collect himself, just as I did. Then his look became clear. He narrowed his eyes again and furrowed his brow.
“I’m sorry,” he said, withdrew his hand from mine, turned, and disappeared through the crowd.
A strange pain flashed through me as I looked after him. I would rather have run after him but I remained rooted to the ground. It had felt so incredible to hold his hand. Had he not felt it, too? Maybe it had been unpleasant for him?
“Don’t make anything of it,” Madison said. “You know he’s only making a fool of you, don’t you?” I heard her malicious comment as if through a thick pane of glass.
“Keep it to yourself, Madison. Just admit you’r
e never going to be with Jared,” Colin interjected.
“Yeah, why don’t you beat it?” Sally said. She and Colin had positioned themselves beside me and stared at Madison until she stomped off. But not without turning back and casting me a last, derisive look.
“Evelyn, I have to apologize for Jared’s behavior,” Colin said. “He’s under a very rotten influence, you know.”
I looked at him with uncertainty.
“You shouldn’t give up,” he said and winked. “I’ve never seen him react to a touch like that, and I’ve known him almost my whole life.”
“You were watching us?” I asked, horrified.
“Well, not exactly watching,” said Sally, a little embarrassed. “Besides, almost everybody was looking.”
What? Almost everybody in here saw how I took Jared’s hand and how he rejected me?
“Because of the light,” she explained apologetically. “At first, I thought a fire had broken out.”
“Light?” I asked. I hadn’t noticed any light.
“Yeah, a strange light where you were standing with Jared.” She shook her head and shrugged. “No idea what it was. Probably just a faulty lightbulb or something. Didn’t you see it?” she asked with disbelief.
“No, I didn’t.” I ran through the situation again in my mind. All I could remember were Jared’s indigo-blue eyes and his unbelievably handsome face. But then I remembered what Colin just said.
“What do you mean, ‘He’s under a very rotten influence’?”
Colin bit his lip. “I really shouldn’t talk about it.” He looked at me and added, “I’m sorry.”
“What did you talk with Calmburry about?” Sally asked.
I thought for a moment. “He asked if I was happy,” I said, knowing how stupid it must sound.
Sally looked at me with raised eyebrows. “What?” She had a confused look on her face.
“What did you answer?” Colin asked.
“Nothing,” I said. “I asked him if he was happy.”