by K. S. Adkins
Which brings back to the man currently bitching me out in my living room. I wanted to say something snippy like don’t you work? But I didn’t because I never had a dad and I was under the impression bitching your kids out is what they were supposed to do. “You speak for yourself, don’t you?” he tosses out of nowhere.
“Full sentences even,” I counter. Though I couldn’t see his face, the image in my mind had him smiling at my smart mouth.
“Then when my son says or does something incredibly stupid because he’s out of his fool mind with worry for you, why aren’t you verbally kicking his ass? Or using your cane?” This morning I asked to come to the center again and was shot down. I was currently trying to be patient about that and failing...
“We’re both adjusting…” I try.
“You’re still being a baby,” he says which, no lie, ruffled my feathers. “You’re blind, Time, not deaf. We’ve been over this, I know you heard me. You want your husband to see you as capable, then get your ass out of this house and show him what capable looks like.”
“You’re being an asshole,” I growl at him making it sound so easy. “Where should I go, dad? Jogging? Pilot school? Oh I know, bowling!”
“If you want to jog, then throw on your shoes. You want to pilot a plane? Then be the first visually impaired person to do it. You want to bowl? That’s what bumpers are for. I’m disappointed you stopped painting though, you should continue and start selling them again. You certainly didn’t suck at it.”
“You have an answer for everything, old man.”
“This is one of the many reasons why you love me.”
“I tolerate you,” I snap but he knew I didn’t mean it.
“Why are we still sitting here while I stare at you and you pretend to stare at me?”
He really was an asshole, but he was right. I needed Drum to see I was capable. I had to do something to change his mind, help him overcome his fears.
That meant I had to overcome mine first.
“I’m going to the center,” I announce proudly. “But…”
Ask for help, Time, you can ask for help.
“I would appreciate it if you would follow me to make sure I arrive safely.”
“I’m not going to let my daughter get ran over,” he says dryly. “All the months of Drum following you he…”
“What?” it came out as a whoosh and I had to sit down. “He… follows me?”
“Time,” he says coming to take my hand. “My son loves you so much, that he followed you in case you needed him. Believe what you will, but it’s the highlight of his day. He followed you because that’s what a husband should do, it’s what a good husband does do. It what’s I should have done but didn’t. Because I was an asshole, one that was too caught up in making a name for myself to notice my own wife needed me.”
“He doesn’t talk about his mom,” I whisper.
“Carolyn was a lot like you,” he says quietly. “But in a lot of other ways she wasn’t. My wife was not a fighter, when she lost her sight Drum lost his mother and I lost my best friend. She promised me she was fine, I believed her. It was easier that way. Drum was in private school when she took her own life. He never forgave me for it and he shouldn’t. I wasn’t the husband my wife needed.” When I started to cry he pulled me into his lap to comfort me but I felt like I should be the one comforting him. “My son went on to be an ophthalmologist to stop this from happening to someone else but along the way it became a way to spite me, until you. Honey, you’ve been forced to live in a different world; Drum just wants to be a part of it. Your accomplishments are his accomplishments. To be fair, you shouldn’t have left without telling him. You scared the shit out of him. He’s a stranger in your world, you have to give him the tools to survive. All he knows, all he sees is what you show him.”
“I…felt him,” I whisper. “At least I used to.” Remembering all the times I thought it was him but couldn’t be sure. When I allowed myself to shut him out, still I felt something but decided it couldn’t be him, he was at work. I should have known because it was the thought of his presence that gave me the courage to get out of bed at all. “Shit, I’m the asshole.”
“It runs in the family,” he says hugging me. “Get your shoes on, Time.”
Heading to the closet, I grab my shoes tying them easily. Another day I’d notice the victory but right now I wanted to get to Drum. Calling for Bella, she comes to my right and I could feel her excitement too.
“I’m ready, dad,” I tell him standing by the door. Little did I know, Drummond Sr. had just changed our lives for the better. And because of that he was able to forgive himself a little bit too.
With Bella at my side, as one, we took to the porch. Then I counted the steps from my porch to the sidewalk. And twenty minutes and only one stumble after that? I was at the center. Opening the door, I wanted to make a grand entrance wishing I had a wind machine to blow my hair. Sadly, this wasn’t a movie which left me no choice but to stand there hoping Drum found me before dinner.
Time was on my mind.
I wanted to call her, see how her day was going but something kept me from doing it. To go from distance to smothering her wouldn’t work, so I decided if she didn’t call me by lunch, I’d come home early and surprise her. We turned a corner last night, a big one. It killed me she barricaded herself in our house because she felt safest there. It’s my fault for constantly driving the fear home with what ifs and buts…
My fears were piled on to her fears making her a prisoner in her own home. Christ, it’s not what I wanted for her. But like she said, I couldn’t send her out in the world in bumper pads either. (Which, let’s be honest if they were an option she’d have them)
When the door opened, I almost didn’t look up, assuming it was one of the workers. Something inside me told me to look up and when I did I saw my gorgeous wife with her precious Bella, standing at the entrance. There was no panic on her face. The pink in her cheeks was from the bite in the air, not anxiety. For the first time in a long time, my wife was at ease, leaving the safety of our home to see her husband.
Jumping up, I call out for her and watch as she locates me easily. God, she was fucking magnificent so I told her as much. Pulling her into a fierce hug that she returned happily, she says, “I was in the neighborhood,” that smile stopped my heart every damn time. “I was hoping for a tour or christen your new office. Okay fine, I’m really here for the sex. ”
Squeezing her tight, I fight back my tears of joy. Preparing her to walk with me, I see my father smiling at both of us from outside the door just before he turned to walk away. Hell, I owed him for this too. If it wasn’t for him who knows what could have happened to us. I do know he loved my mom, I also know firsthand how easy it is to tell yourself you’ll try harder tomorrow. Only with my mom, he didn’t get tomorrow. On top of that, I spent the years after blaming him for failing her only to find myself doing the same to my own wife. She was right when she said I was his son and it was okay to be proud of that.
Taking her left hand so Bella could protect her right, I guide her through the building. I made sure to explain every inch in perfect detail right down to the type of light bulbs we used to protect our clients’ eyes. Through it all the smile never dimmed, for every question she had ten more and when we made it to the back offices she stops and rests her head on my shoulder. “Are you tired?” I ask concerned she’s wore herself out.
“Tired? No. I’m overwhelmed,” she says but then quickly adds, “You did all of this for me, for others. I don’t need to actually see it because I can feel it. I don’t think you understand what you’ve done, Drum. I don’t think you understand what you’ve done for…me.”
“I have a problem,” I tell her while escorting her to what will be her office. “This place is too sterile. I was wondering which colors you think would complement the environment?”
When her face lit up I reminded myself to thank my father again. My wife just wanted to be included, t
o be my partner and to be accepted. Here I’d been creating a place to aid the visually impaired but I excluded the motivation behind it. I was doing this for her only I treated her like she was disabled when she wasn’t disabled at all. My wife was learning how to navigate the world differently, and like she’s said in the past; not a thing wrong with different.
This center was about Time.
Now it was about her making a part of it.
Hours were spent with my wife gushing about colors I’d never even heard of. Each sounded perfect and each would would have a wall. She also pointed out we needed a transportation service that catered to the visually impaired and asked to be the guinea pig. She said if the world’s most paranoid husband approved then no one else’s should have a problem.
She’d be right.
After we had lunch delivered, my wife took herself over and sat at the reception desk. Gently, she touched all the spaces technology would soon fill. Standing behind her she tilts her head back and says, “Our employees will have low vision or no vision. We can teach them, Drum, just like you taught me. We should lead by example, right?”
“I agree.”
“Oh!” she says twirling her seat around while throwing her hands up. “Is the space next door still for sale?”
“I think so, why?”
“Because, I’m going to buy it.”
“For?”
There it was, that smile. “We’re going to need a career center. We can help find them jobs too! Holy shit we’ve got work to do, I need a phone…” she couldn’t see the workers who stopped what they were doing to watch her, but I did. Maybe they knew someone with a visual impairment, maybe they didn’t. However, as they watched her she earned their respect without even realizing she did it.
From that moment on, the center took on a life of its own. Time thought of everything. Vendors were happy to donate or lease their equipment; we had four transportation services, state of the art technology and even a media room. Oh and for that career center she wanted? Once word got out about that we had a waiting list of people wanting job training. We also had an equally long list of employers that wanted to offer jobs. Honestly, neither she nor I could have anticipated this.
And if I thought life with Time couldn’t get better, I was wrong about that too.
Sharing a bottle of wine after dinner, Drum puts my feet in his lap and asks me how losing my vision has affected my life so far. He also wanted to know how the center would benefit me. It didn’t come out of left field, we planned this discussion. He was invited to speak about the center and wanted help with his presentation.
Twenty minutes into my explanation he cuts me off by saying, “No.”
“Are you calling me a liar?”
“Jesus, no,” he laughs. “They picked the wrong guy for the speech is all, keep going this is good stuff.”
“Why keep going if you’re not going to do it?” It’s not like he doesn’t know this shit, hello… I certainly didn’t need to hear myself repeat it considering I’m, you know, living it.
“For practice when you do it.”
“Pardon?” he ignores me in favor of typing in his phone which irritates me. “Drum!”
“Sorry,” he says tugging on my big toe. “You’ve got twenty four hours to nail it, Time.”
“Please tell me you’re joking,” his silence meant two things. One he was smirking and two, he wasn’t joking. “What do I get for saving your ass?”
“Name it.”
“I want another adventure,” I begin. “And when I think of it, no doubt it will epic, right?”
“Of course.”
“Good then call your dad and ask him to free up next weekend. Family trip!”
“Oh come on…” he begs. “Time, that’s blackmail.”
When I stay quiet he grunts his agreement followed by handing me the phone. “No way,” I argue pushing it back toward him. “He’s your dad, you do it.”
“Someone fucking talk to me!” he yells through the speaker. “I didn’t answer to hear myself talk!”
“Time wants you to keep next weekend free…” he hedges.
“She does? Why? Does she need something?”
“Yeah,” he groans. “She uh…” pinching him he swats me before finishing. “Wants us to spend the weekend together. As… a family.”
“I guess I can swing it,” he hedges himself. “I mean if that’s what Time wants.”
“You both would really do this for me?” I couldn’t believe Drum actually made the call.
“Yes,” they answer in unison.
“I’ll be in touch with details,” Drum adds.
“Can’t wait,” Dad answers dryly.
“Was that so hard?” I ask crawling into his lap.
“No,” he grudgingly admits. “But this is,” guiding my hand on top of the bulge in his pants causes my breath to hitch. Since the loss, my other senses have picked up the slack leaving me in a constant heightened state, including panic and now arousal. “Explore me,” he urges by taking both of my hands and tugging me forward. “All of me.”
Doing as he asked, I trail my fingers up his chest then down. Moving up to his shoulders, I span them with my hands marveling at how big they are. Giving the muscles in his arms a squeeze, I move back up to his face. For me, it all comes back to his face. I loved his thick eyebrows, his curly eyelashes, the stubble and his lush lips. Slipping my finger inside his mouth he takes it deep moaning his approval. In my mind, his eyes were closed, his face was lax from pleasure and he wore a soft smile. Taking my finger back and using both hands, I undo his jeans then reach in to free him. On instinct my hands went exactly where they needed to go.
“Fuck,” he moans deep.
Working him over, getting him rock hard I scoot down between his legs to give oral a shot. In the past it’s not like I gave blow jobs with my eyes open the entire time, so this should be like riding a bike. Or, Drum’s cock as it were. “Do it,” he urges.
I was going to do it, but I wanted to feel him first. Drum had large thick veins. Some were lavender in color, others blush. But all of them stood out when he wanted me, like they were standing out now. My hands had memorized these veins but my mouth had not. Sealing my lips over him, instinctually he thrusts up sinking his hands in my hair for leverage. Releasing him I run my tongue up one side and down the other, he felt like a dimensional version of a road map, veins were gorged with wanting me to find them.
So I did.
“Get back up here,” he grunts.
“Kinda busy right now,” I mumble from down here between his legs.
“When I come,” he says unexpectedly taking me to my back. “It’s inside of my wife.”
With our noses touching I secure my arms around his neck and whisper, “I’m good with that.”
After stripping me, he’s quiet and unmoving. “Drum?”
“I have the most beautiful wife in the world.” Reaching for him he laces his fingers with mine, pulling me upright. “What color are my eyes?”
“Espresso,” I tell him. “With flecks of jade.”
“My hair? What color is it?” when he kisses my neck and gently bites down I had trouble focusing.
“Black like a raven’s wing.”
“What’s your last name?” he asks as he lays me back down.
“Green,” I smile. “My last name is Green.”
Securing my arms above my head, he slides inside of me gently but fully. “Tell me you love me, Time.”
“I love you, Drum.”
“Show me,” he says maintaining his pace. “Open your eyes for me.”
Following his breaths, I open my eyes wishing for a miracle yet, knowing I already had one. He was inside of me, owning me, loving me. “Tell me you can still see me,” he begs. I could feel his eyes watching, willing mine to see. Giving his hands the cue to release me, I reach up framing his face with my fingers and tell him the truth. “I can see you Drum, I will always see you.”
Burying his
face in my neck, we say no more. Moving in synch, loving each other slowly but fiercely we do as we always do. We came together.
“Time,” he says it like a prayer, as if I were his salvation. Maybe I was, after all, he was mine.
“Drum.”
“You still see me,” he says clutching me.
“I do,” I confirm. “I see you in a lot of ways. I know each one of your facial expressions, Drum. I call on them, depending on the situation. Tonight you smiled for me, watched me suck you and I love how you look when you come.”
“How do I look, Time?”
“Loved.”
On the tough days when I screamed at the universe, demanding to know why I had to lose my sight when others had theirs and didn’t even appreciate it; it occurred to me that the universe required balance. Drum was my dream come true, hell he was the dream I never saw coming. If the universe demanded balance, and the payment was my sight; then the universe could keep it. Because losing my sight but having Drum wasn’t a loss in my opinion.
It was a gift.
She was a vision of courage and accomplishment standing up at that podium speaking to a crowd she could not see. My wife would never be able to comprehend how beautiful she was in my eyes. I was certain; beauty like hers couldn’t be comprehended at all, it just was. Using a sure voice she spoke of her loss, the challenges she faces and what the center would mean to others like her.
Independence and hope.
Time, the woman who’s named described something infinite wasn’t giving enough of it, but still managed to make the best of it. She stood up there praising her doctor-husband and finally herself. When she said “I found Dr. Drummond Green at a time in my life when hope had taken a backseat to the harsh reality that I would be blind in a world that catered to sight. But he had a vision, one where those without sight could see. In their own way, with the help of state of the art technology, vast resources, unlimited support and a network of likeminded individuals who all shared his belief that more could be done. Because of Dr. Green, people with low vision or in cases like mine; no vision can have a resource here. At the Time Center they will earn independence, taking the skills learned here to become gainfully employed. They can map out their own future because they will see, as you will see that disability does not mean inability. Dr. Green is changing lives. If you see me standing here, know I am proof. If you are listening to my voice then you are hearing nothing but truth. My name is Time Green and I am one voice among many. I am the voice of the future.”