Beautiful Ties

by Alicia Rae

  She had entwined herself around my heart.

  Just as Jason had.

  Over the course of the next few weeks, Pearl had been pleading for Jason and me to take her to the dock painted on the canvas Jason had bought for me. It was proudly displayed above the center of my living room couch. I had tried to reach Diane for the last several days on her cell to ask her permission to take Pearl to the dock on Saturday, but I had received no response back yet.

  After having a two-hour lunch with Kyle to go over upcoming scheduled business meetings, I pulled into my parking garage earlier than usual, and I decided to drop by Diane’s place in person. I exited my car, locked up my garage, and strolled toward Diane’s condo. I was hoping to catch her before she headed out for her usual evening shift. When I reached her front porch, I rang her doorbell.

  “Coming!” Diane shouted from inside.

  A few seconds later, she whipped open the door. Her eyebrows rose when she glanced over at me.

  “Uh…hi, Abbey,” she muttered with a shocked expression on her face.

  Then, she shifted on her feet, now looking nervous or guilty. I could not tell which, and I was confused by her reaction to seeing me.

  “Pearl is not home from school yet.”

  “I know,” I responded, offering a friendly smile. “I was stopping by to ask for your permission to take Pearl to the beach at the lake tomorrow. She has been asking me for weeks, and I wanted to surprise her tomorrow.”

  “Um…” She hesitated, and then a long sigh followed. “Look, Abbey, since you’re here, would you mind coming in for a moment? I have something I need to tell you.”

  My heart sank, and my stomach churned at her tone. Something is wrong.

  “Is Pearl okay?” I asked immediately, concern evident in my voice.

  “Yes,” Diane answered, gesturing me inside her condo. “But I still think we should talk, preferably while she’s not home.”

  Now, my pulse was profusely hammering throughout my veins, making my temples throb. I cautiously stepped inside, my legs suddenly feeling numb.

  Diane motioned me to her couch, and I sat down. She took a seat across from me in a brown leather chair and released an exasperated sigh.

  “I have been meaning to talk to you for a few weeks now, but I simply couldn’t figure out how to say this to you.” She paused again, rubbing her hands together nervously in her lap.

  I felt myself growing nauseous, fearing what she could possibly want to tell me. “Okay,” I drawled, urging her to continue and get it over with.

  “I don’t know if you know this or not, but my sister, Christine, was Pearl’s adopted mother since she was about two years old.” She shook her head. “I don’t know much about Pearl’s life before that, other than she was an orphan.”

  Her voice was strained as she continued, “My sister died about six months ago, and Pearl has lived with me ever since. I only took her in because she had nowhere else to go, and I felt it was my duty to take care of her since my sister had listed me in her will.”

  She took a deep breath. “I’ve done my best to adjust to taking care of her. However, I don’t think I’m at the best point in my life to raise a child. I don’t know how to be a mom…nor do I want to. I miss my freedom, and Pearl deserves more than I can give her.”

  Tears filled every surface of my eyes. My heart was breaking and shattering beyond belief. I could not even begin to wrap my mind around how anyone could not want to love and care for Pearl. She was so sweet and loving and beautiful—inside and out. I wanted to argue and voice my feelings. I couldn’t possibly understand why Diane didn’t want her, all the while knowing how much I loved that little girl.

  She was my heart.

  The thought of losing her would destroy me.

  Diane looked down at her hands as if she couldn’t look me in the eyes. “On every level, I know this is wrong to say, but every single time I look at her, memories of Christine flood my mind, and I mourn her all over again. It’s just too painful.” She exhaled deeply. “So, I can’t take Pearl anymore. I found some old adoption papers when I was going through some of Christine’s boxes last week. I’m taking Pearl to the adoption agency listed on the documents tomorrow, so they can place her in a new home…” She paused, meeting my gaze. “A better home. I just can’t do it anymore,” she added, more to herself than me.

  “No!” I protested, rising to my feet.

  I could not let her take Pearl away from me. I would fight tooth and nail to keep Pearl in my life. There was no way I was going to let her go. She meant the world to me, and she already owned part of my heart.

  Diane’s eyes widened, and she rose, going eye-to-eye with me. “I’m sorry if this affects you, Abbey, but my mind is already made up,” she replied defensively.

  “Please don’t do that,” I begged, knowing with all my heart that I could not let go of Pearl.

  I was a firm believer in the notion that everything happened for a reason, and Pearl had walked into my life for a reason—for me to love her.

  I swallowed deeply, choking back the emotions I felt overcoming me. “I love that little girl with all my heart. Please, please let me take her,” I added. I knew this was what I wanted with all my heart even though I had no idea how to go about adopting or raising a child, but I would do it for Pearl. I could only pray Pearl would want to be with me, too.

  Diane looked at me with perplexed eyes. “Abbey, you look so young, and you have so much life ahead of you. Why would you want the burden of raising a child?”

  The answer was so easy. I didn’t even have to think about it. My heart already knew the answer.

  “Because I love her,” I stated simply without any doubt in my mind. I had to make Diane understand. “Please, Diane. I’ll go through all the proper steps and sign whatever you need me to in order to make it legal. Just please don’t make Pearl go through the adoption process again because I can assure you that I will fight for her. She already has a home, and that’s with me,” I added, pointing to the center of my chest.

  Diane rocked back on her heels, looking to be reeling from my speech. She was quiet for what felt like an eternity. “Abbey—” she objected.

  I cut her off. “Please don’t take her away from me,” I breathed. Tears blurred my vision, but I did not care. “I love her,” I repeated.

  She sighed and shook her head, sounding defeated. “The only reason I’m even considering this,” she said, searching my eyes, “is because I can see how much you love her.”

  “I do.” I nodded, praying with all my heart that she would give me the answer I desperately wanted.

  The next several moments were the longest of my life.

  “Okay,” she answered. “You and I will need to talk with someone soon, and I’ll expect you to cover the court and attorney costs to legally adopt her.”

  “Thank you!” I cried, letting out the deepest breath imaginable. I put all of our differences aside and threw myself forward to hug Diane.

  She kept her posture rigid and drew back. “One more thing, Abbey.” Her voice was all business now. “We’ll need to do this as quickly as possible as I’m planning to move back to Oklahoma soon, so I can live near my folks.”

  “That’s not a problem,” I answered.

  “All right,” she responded, glancing over at the clock. “Well, you better get going. Pearl will be home soon, and I need to talk things over with her to make sure this is what she wants. We can let things settle and speak again on Monday?”

  “Yes,” I said.

  Diane led me over to the door.

  I stopped at the threshold, turning back to look at her once more. “Thank you again, Diane. I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you’re giving me this opportunity.”

  “You’re a good person, Abbey. I think you two will be a perfect fit,” she said. Her voice was both happy and sad.

  “Me, too,” I breathed.

  We both waved good-bye.

  As I made my way back to
ward my condo, I replayed my conversation with Diane in my mind. I had absolutely no regrets in making a quick decision. Everything I’d said about Pearl and what I felt for her was true. As I unlocked my front door and opened it, I was surprised to see Jason was already home. He was watching TV on the couch with his feet kicked up on the end table.

  Jason spun his head around at the sound of my entrance. “Hey you.” He smiled from his seat.

  I slipped off my shoes, dropped my keys on the kitchen counter, and strode over to him.

  My emotions from the last thirty minutes crashed down on me, and I wanted nothing more than to sink into his arms. I climbed into his lap, needing him to just hold me, as my nerves crept in about Pearl and Diane talking tonight. I could only hope that Pearl would take the news well. I knew that she loved spending time with Jason and me, but I feared she might be hurt at being rejected. I was worried about how that would impact her. I wanted to run over to Pearl, take her in my arms, and tell her how much I loved her and that everything would be all right.

  “I’ve missed you,” I said, lowering my head to burrow my face into the crevice of his neck.

  “Mmm…” He gathered his arms around me, drawing me nearer. His hands caressed up and down my back in a soothing gesture. “I missed you, too.”

  After a moment of silence, he asked, “You okay?”

  “Not really,” I admitted. I let out a quiet sigh, acknowledging that I needed to fill him in on my conversation with Diane. “After my meeting with Kyle, I stopped by Diane’s to ask her about taking Pearl to the lake tomorrow.”

  “Are we all going to the beach tomorrow?”

  “I don’t know.” I frowned, realizing she hadn’t answered my question.

  Jason stared at me with a perplexed expression.

  I continued to elaborate, “She wanted to talk to me, and I forgot to bring up the lake again before I left.”

  “What did she say?” he probed, still comforting me.

  I decided to sum up the main points and then go back into more detail, hoping that would help me get it all out. “She can’t care for Pearl anymore, and she was going to take her back to the adoption agency, so I offered to take Pearl.”

  Jason’s hands stopped moving, and his eyes widened in astonishment. “As in…permanently?”

  “Yes, I want to adopt her,” I responded.

  I knew I needed to explain myself better, but for some damn reason, the words weren’t coming out right. They were all swirling through my mind too quickly.

  His expression shifted, and I could not get a read on him.

  “And all of this happened just now?”

  “Yes.”

  “I see,” he said, his tone distant and somewhat cold.

  I could hear the underlying hurt beneath his anger. He shifted me off his lap, maneuvering me to the couch on the left side of him. He rose to his feet and turned to look at me.

  “And at any point during this conversation of deciding to adopt a child, did you think of me?” he deadpanned.

  I shifted through my memories, concluding that I had not. Shit. My heart dropped into the pit of my gut as I felt myself sinking into my couch.

  “That’s what I thought,” he said regretfully.

  His voice expressed a profound sense of betrayal and sadness, and the sound pierced me straight in the chest, stealing the air from my lungs at the thought of hurting him. I closed my eyes and shook my head as shame filled me. But I had done what I felt was right. And in that particular moment, I had been sure that if I didn’t tell Diane my feelings, I never would have gotten the chance. It had been a risk I had not been willing to take.

  “I’m so sorry,” I breathed. “There wasn’t time. I did what I felt was right in my heart.”

  “No time?” He laughed menacingly. “You made a fucking life-changing decision in one conversation—without me. We are here, building our lives together, and you couldn’t take the time to talk to me, or hell, even call me?”

  I could see his reasoning, and he had every right to be mad at me, but my defenses went up at his tone.

  “I wasn’t expecting any of that to happen today, but it did, and I love her. There was no decision to be made.”

  His eyes narrowed at me. “And I don’t?” he shouted, pointing in the direction of what I assumed was Pearl’s house. “I would fucking do anything for that little girl. I love her just as much as you, Abbey.”

  “I know you do,” I said in a low tone, trying to keep myself from crying.

  He fisted his hands in his hair. “Fuck!” he hissed quietly, turning on his heels to head in the path of the door.

  I jumped up from the couch. “Where are you going?”

  Jason turned slightly. His eyes bearing the hurt and anguish I felt inside. The sight nearly took me to my knees, knowing I’d put it there.

  “I thought we were more than that, Abbey. You tell me you love me, but when you love someone and plan your life with them, you do it together.” He let out a breath. “I never would have made such a life-altering decision without talking to you first. Never.” He looked back at the door, not facing me. “I need some space,” he added, finally answering my question.

  My heart felt like it was tearing in two as he walked out. When he shut the door, I fell back onto my couch and turned into my side. I buried my face into a blanket next to me, soaking it with my tears.

  Jason loved Pearl just as much as I did. She had become such a fixated part of our lives. I could understand he was hurt at feeling left out, but I truly believed I had done what was right. I disagreed with him saying he would never have acted without me. If our positions had been reversed today, I knew he would have done the same for Pearl.

  Because we both loved her—plain and simple.

  I could only pray he would realize that my intentions had been good.

  The next two hours felt like months. Time could not possibly have passed any slower. I felt like I was being punished. Feeling too emotionally drained to cook, I made myself a bowl of cereal and sat at the table, only to stare at my Honeycomb cereal as it became soggy in my bowl.

  My thoughts bounced around in my head, seeing both Jason and my own points of view. I had been an idiot for not talking to him first. However, Diane had seemed unstable to me. She’d made me feel as though if I blinked, she might disappear. If that had happened, so would Pearl, and that was not something I could live with.

  The thought of living without Jason hurt just as profoundly. I closed my eyes as I recalled the look in his eyes before he’d walked out the door. I could only see the hurt and betrayal that had filled every part of them.

  I opened my eyes. This was not going well. I was just repeating the argument with Jason over and over in my head, so I kicked back my chair and stood to my feet. I sauntered over to my kitchen counter and grabbed my keys before exiting the condo. I numbly made my way to the parking garage and typed in my code. I climbed into my Camaro and headed for the main road.

  I just drove, letting the tread of my tires eat up the miles. For the first time, the throaty roar of my V8 did nothing to calm my out-of-control emotions. After a few minutes, I was surprised to see myself turning into my brother’s long driveway instead of Gail’s apartment. But Lily had once confided in me over my brother, and for some reason, this was where my heart had led me.

  I slowly cruised up the driveway, passing a row of mature trees, until his ranch-style home with a four-car garage revealed itself. The neutral tones of the brick blended perfectly with his stained-wood patio that wrapped around the side of the house.

  I slipped the car into park and turned off the ignition. I exited my sports car and ambled toward the large stone pillars on each side of the front door. I rang the doorbell, and I was hoping Lily would answer, so I wouldn’t have to dodge Kyle’s overbearing brotherly ways.

  To my dismay, Kyle opened the door.

  “Abbey?” he said my name as a question, assessing me with his greenish-brown eyes.

  He ga
ve me a quick once-over. His stare made me realize that I probably looked like shit.

  “What did that fucker do?”

  I rolled my eyes at his over-the-top protectiveness. At times, I really loved it, and others, I hated it. Today was definitely the latter of the two.

  “Hey, Kyle. I just really need to talk to Lily,” I replied, trying to peek inside. “Is she home?”

  He crossed his broad arms over his chest, shaking his head. “Not until you tell me what happened first.”

  I released an exasperated sigh. I was going to have to fib my way through this as I had done back in high school, or he’d never let me pass without asking a million questions first. And I really needed to talk to Lily.

  I swallowed and switched my tactics. “You know, just girl stuff.” I shrugged. “Crazy-ass cramping, wild and erratic emotions, and my period is flowing like a—”

  Kyle threw his hands up in the air. “Whoa! Stop talking now!” he pleaded, taking a backward step and then another. He turned his head. “Lily!”

  I inwardly grinned at my little trick still working all these years later. Kyle didn’t stand a chance against girl talks.

  Lily came around the corner. Her eyes widened at the sight of me, and that made me believe that I must really look bad.

  “Oh my gosh, Abbey,” she said, closing the distance between us as she pulled me in for a hug. Then, she held me at arm’s length. “Are you all right?”

  Kyle observed our embrace, but he kept his distance.

  “Yes.” I nodded, feeling as though I might crumble at any given second. It would have to wait though until Kyle was out of earshot.

  She eyed me skeptically. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. You know, just girl stuff,” I repeated with a nervous laugh for my brother’s sake, waving my hand at her. “Can we talk alone?”

  “Of course.” Lily smiled kindly.

  I breathed a sigh of relief.

  She must have read the unspoken plea in my eyes because she set her arm around my shoulders, and she gestured me toward the stairs. “Let’s head up to the loft.”