by Edie Bryant
I began to walk toward the kitchen, but Lauren stopped me. She had a good grip on my shoulder.
“Where were you?” she asked.
“Where… was I? What do you mean? I just grabbed you soup and—”
“Where were you this morning?”
I raised an eyebrow. “Like… what time?”
She rolled her eyes. “Can we not play stupid?”
My jaw dropped. I was totally taken aback by her attitude. So, I wasn’t being paranoid at all. She really was pissed at me!?
“I don’t understand. I was at work all morning,” I told her.
“No, you weren’t. I know you weren’t. I went down to your office, and you weren’t there.”
I could feel my face flush with embarrassment. “Oh, uh, was I in the bathroom?”
“God, stop it! Stop playing dumb! You called in saying you had a dentist appointment.”
How the hell did she even know that?
“Okay… right, that’s right…”
“But you weren’t at the dentist, were you?”
“No…” I said anxiously.
“So where were you?”
This all felt really familiar. It was like I was in college with her again. It was the same kind of jealous behavior she used to exhibit.
But I thought it was over.
“I see what this is. I told you I was in the office, then you see I’m gone, and your mind turns to the worst conclusions. This is just your old jealousy rearing its ugly head again.”
Now her jaw dropped.
“You have got to be kidding me?! How dare you try to turn this around on me?!”
“Turn this around on you?! You’re the one accusing me of cheating! Who else am I supposed to turn this around on?”
“So you admit it, you are cheating,” she said coldly.
I let out a clearly sarcastic laugh. “What?! Are you joking? No! Of course not.”
She pounded her fist on the table in front of her. “Stop fucking lying!”
“I’m not!” I snapped back.
I was getting a lot less excited to be here. I wanted to give her her present and talk about moving our relationship to the next level, but her accusing me of cheating the same way she’d used to was really making me start to doubt myself.
“Look, this needs to end. I’m not going back to this. Please, think about what you’re saying before you say it. Don’t do irreparable damage to this relationship on a whim.”
I thought, for sure, after I’d said that that she would have to take a step back and realize how ridiculous she was being. I wasn’t sure how she could make the giant leap from me lying about where I was at work to me cheating! What had I ever done to give her the indication that I’d been unfaithful!? I was with her every damn day!
“God, you are good,” she laughed. “You are really good. For a moment there, I started to believe you again.”
“Good at what?!” I burst out. “I honestly have no fucking clue what you’re talking about!”
“There you go again! You’re on a roll.”
“A roll with what!?” I asked desperately.
“At being completely and totally manipulative,” she bit back.
And now I was manipulative, too?! Since when had I been manipulative with her? I’d done nothing but be completely and totally honest with her from the get-go! Everything with me had been genuine.
I could feel myself starting to tear up. This all felt so wrong. She was hurting me in the same way she had when we were young, and it fucking sucked. I’d never done anything to deserve this from her. I’d really, truly thought she’d grown out of this.
This had been the exact reason I’d had to break up with her to begin with. Do you have any idea how painful it is to be accused of cheating by the person who was supposed to trust you above all else? It made you feel like a pile of shit, like you’d somehow done something inherently wrong without even realizing it.
And I knew I hadn’t. I wasn’t going to allow her to let me feel evil when I’d been so faithful to her all this time. I didn’t fucking deserve it.
Still, I was deeply in love with her. More in love with her than I had been in college. And I didn’t want to believe that this was the end, that it was all going down the drain now. So, I was hoping, praying, that she would change her tune any minute now.
“I think I should go,” I said slowly.
“What? You can’t handle being confronted?” she spat.
Holy shit, was this real life right now? Was I having some kind of nightmare? Like, literally none of this was even making sense.
“No! Of course not! I just don’t want to wait around for you to fuck up and say something you’re going to regret!”
“I won’t regret it, I promise,” she said boldly.
“How can you say that?! How can you talk like that to me? Don’t you love me?! I thought… I REALLY thought you loved me. That we were in love with each other.”
“We were… until you went and broke it all. Until you went and tore me apart.”
“Seriously?! All this because I wasn’t in the office when I said I would be!? You’re going to ruin this relationship over that little white lie?!”
“Oh my god, Sara! Obviously, it’s about so much more than that! You know it’s about more than that.”
“No! I really don’t!” I defended. “I mean, obviously you think I’m cheating on you for some reason, but I seriously don’t even know why. I fucking haven’t, and I haven’t given you any reason to think I have.”
“Oh, yeah, then why wouldn’t you tell me where you were this morning?” she asked.
“Because! It was a surprise!”
She raised an eyebrow. “A surprise?”
“Yeah! I didn’t want to ruin like this, but I was out getting a gift for you.”
“Pfft. You called in to work to get me a gift. You expect me to believe that?”
“Yes! It was an important gift. I had to pick it up at that time, and… it was just important to me. That’s why I lied. And I didn’t think it’d be that big of a fucking deal, and I swear to god it’s the only thing I have ever lied to you about!!”
“If you can’t tell me the truth, why don’t you just go?” she said bitterly.
“I am telling the truth!” I pleaded.
“Then where is the gift?”
Yes, this was it! This was what would save me. I’d have the gift to prove my whereabouts, and, then, there would be no doubt. Not that I really thought I should have to prove my whereabouts, but that was something we could discuss after she already figured out that I’m innocent.
“Here, it’s right here—” and then I remembered, I didn’t have it with me at all. I didn’t bring it back into the car after I went to my house!
“Oh my god, I totally forgot it back at the house, I’m so sorry-—”
“Convenient,” she said coldly.
“I am so fucking serious, Lauren!”
“Well, sorry, I don’t buy it. You had to take time off work to get this gift, and yet you forget to bring it to me?”
“I’ll bring it to you later! I’ll just swing by my house and—”
“What will that prove? You could have just gone out and got a gift to cover for yourself. If it’s not with you right now, I don’t see how it’s proof.”
Tears started welling up in my eyes. It was obvious there was not a thing I could do to convince her.
But she completely misunderstood the reason for my tears.
“Starting to feel guilty?” she asked.
“Is that what you think?! That I feel guilty? Not at all! I don’t have a thing to feel guilty for! I’m crying because you’re breaking my heart!”
“You’ve already broken mine!” she yelled back. “I fucking trusted you!”
“And I trusted you! I trusted that this wasn’t going to happen again! I believed we were done with this forever, but… I fucking guess not.”
“No, stop, I will not have this turned ar
ound on me! You’re the one who betrayed me, and you still can’t be honest about it. So fucking go, just leave.”
“Seriously?” I asked, tears still in my eyes. “You just want me to leave. And what, never come back?”
“Yeah, that sounds good. That sounds like the only thing that makes sense.”
I didn’t even know what else to say. It was like I could feel my soul shatter. I have no idea why she would be so cruel to me after months of kindness and nurturing behavior…
But I didn’t care. She was breaking me.
I left without another word, though there was plenty I would have liked to say. I wanted to call her an idiot. I wanted to tell her that she was so fucking wrong it wasn’t even funny, but I didn’t. I wasn’t sure what it would really achieve. She wasn’t going to believe me no matter what, that much was very clear.
I was just stunned. One minute, I was excited to go take care of my girlfriend and give her what I thought was a beautiful gift, and, the next, we were breaking up.
Wait, was that seriously what was fucking happening? Were we really breaking up right now? Was this the end?
No, I didn’t want that, I wanted anything but that. She was the love of my life. She was my soul mate, she…
She had some things she needed to work out. Because no matter how much I loved her, I couldn’t deal with this jealousy. If it’d gotten so bad I couldn’t even convince her of my being faithful, then what could I do? No healthy relationship could survive that way.
I was so incredibly depressed. But I needed to walk away. For my own sanity.
13
Lauren
I couldn’t say the last few days hadn't felt good. Despite finding out fairly early about Sara’s cheating and confronting her early as well, I was still fucking miserable without her.
It was pathetic, and I knew it. I was being damn pathetic. But I loved her. I loved her so damn much… and she’d never even cared about me.
But she did such a good job of convincing me she had! Like, seriously, she was a fantastic actor. Even when she’d come over the day I left early, she’d had me convinced that she really hadn’t cheated on me. I mean, if I hadn’t had the glaring evidence in front of me, I think I would’ve believed her.
But thank god I had. Bless the girl who had the heart to send that to me and save me from potential future heartache. I was heartbroken either way, of course, but I couldn’t even imagine how much it would have hurt if this had happened years from now.
Because I was now in another department, I was able to avoid Sara at work fairly easily. I kind of expected her to make it hard for me, try to harass me into continuing to be with her, or something. But she pretty much left me alone, which was fine by me.
Or, no, it wasn’t. It fucking sucked. On one hand, I really was glad that she was leaving me alone, because it meant I wouldn’t fall back into being with her. But, on the other, I wished so badly that she would talk to me.
It only proved how little I’d meant to her, though. After everything she’d done and how badly she’d fucked up, she didn’t even want to try to win me back. She didn’t even want to apologize. She couldn’t even admit the truth!
But, whatever. I couldn’t focus on that anymore. It was time to move on. I had to, it was the only healthy option now.
The hardest part to deal with, though, was nights like this. I could distract myself at work, I just kept moving along and thinking of different things. But, at night, alone, in my apartment… I could feel myself truly falling apart.
I missed her presence. I was so lonely. I hadn’t gone a night alone in so damn long. Not since I’d broken off my engagement with Brandon, and obviously that loneliness had been short-lived because I’d gotten together with Sara very shortly after that.
But, even as I sat on my couch, wishing she was spooning me, I knew I was doing the right thing. I’d done the only thing I could do, after all. Save myself from more hurt and embarrassment by a woman who obviously had never been loyal to me.
I was binge watching a television show that I used to love when I heard the doorbell ring. I almost didn’t even bother to get it, thinking maybe it was just some kids selling newspapers or something like that. Happened every year in this neighborhood, where there were a lot of families with kids still in school.
But, when it rang a second time, I willed myself to get up and actually look at who it was.
And I wasn’t prepared to find out in the slightest.
“Brandon?” I asked, as he stood before me.
I hadn’t even heard from him or about him in months. He had definitely gotten all of his stuff out of the house, and I couldn’t think of any reason why he’d be here right now.
“Hey, Lauren, can I come in?” he asked.
Taken aback, I stuttered out, “Uh, sure.”
I opened the door for him, and he stepped in, nervously fiddling with the front pant pockets.
“Uh, have a seat,” I said, motioning to the couch.
I didn’t know why, but my heart was pounding. Having him here right now was making me so incredibly nervous.
“So, um, I’m sure you know why I’m here.”
“Actually… no, I don’t really have a clue.”
He started to blush. “Well, uh, that sucks because this is totally embarrassing…” He took in a deep breath. “Okay, I just came to apologize.”
What? That made no sense. What the hell did he have to apologize for? He hadn’t done anything wrong. Like, I literally couldn’t think of a single time he’d wronged me in our entire relationship.
And he seemed confident I knew his reason for coming over. How could I possibly know he was going to apologize when he’d done nothing wrong?
“But… you have nothing to apologize for,” I said softly.
He raised both his eyebrows. “Oh my god, please don’t tell me that you don’t even know.”
My heart was starting to race even faster. “Know what?”
“Know what Taylor did.”
“…What did she do?”
He buried his face in her hands and sighed. “Holy shit, I’d thought you’d already know. I’d thought it’d be so obvious…”
I instinctively put my hand on his shoulder. “Don’t cry, whatever it is, it’ll be fine. It can’t be any worse than what I did to you.”
“Oh, it is,” he insisted. “What you did to me, it really wasn’t vindictive at all. I know I’ve said some stuff, but… Lauren, I really don’t blame you for ending the relationship. You weren’t really in love with me. And you can’t force yourself to be in love with another person, you just can’t. You did what you had to do.”
It was the first bit of vindication I’d gotten since the break-up. “Thank you, for saying so. I really appreciate it, and I’m really sorry I hurt you…”
He shook his head. “Water under the bridge, it’s not why I’m here. I’m only here to apologize for Taylor’s behavior which was… completely appalling.”
“Okay…” I said hesitantly. “Do you mean when she yelled at me in the restaurant?”
“Fuck, she yelled at you? The day she said she ran into you at the Italian place? Oh my god, what’s wrong with her?”
“Yeah, but she was just trying to stick up for you. I didn’t let it get to me, but… but if that isn’t what you’re apologizing for, what is it?”
His face flushed again. “I’m apologizing for that message she sent you. And I swear to god, I did not put her up to it! I wasn’t feeling vindictive at all at that point, in fact, I was kind of getting over things, and I had no idea she would do something like that.”
“Message?” I asked. “I never got a message from her.”
He looked confused. “You didn’t? But she said you read it…”
The more Brandon said, the more I got lost. “Wait, how would she know I read it? I haven’t talked to her in months, and I definitely never verified to her that I received a message…”
“No, no, I mean, there was a read
receipt on it. On the Facebook message?”
“The Facebook message?” I tried to wrack my brain for any recent messages from Taylor, but I couldn’t think of a single one.
“Well, it wasn’t technically from Taylor, it was from a fake account. I think she said she named it Rachelle…”
“Rachelle? Huh, I don’t know a Rachelle, I…” Then it hit me, and I felt sick to my stomach. “Wait, the message saying Sara cheated on me?”
“Yeah, that one. Again, I am so fucking sorry, and I never put her up to that. It was such a nasty thing to do, and I’m not even sure what inspired her to do it. I think she just convinced herself that you were a cheater, despite me telling her you weren’t, and she just… fucking meddled into our business. It was really despicable. If it’s any consolation, I told Taylor’s fiance’ Jake and I’m not friends with them anymore.”
“But… you’re saying that, she wasn’t cheating? It was all made up?”
His eyes widened. “Oh my god, you… you thought it was real? I’m so sorry, Lauren! I thought for sure you realized quickly what was going on, and… oh my god.” He looked just as panicked as I was.
“But there were screenshots!” I said quickly. “It was Sara’s name and face and—”
“All fake. She just… she photoshopped the whole thing.”
Holy fuck, what was wrong with me?! Why had I never even considered that as a possibility?!
This was all hitting me so hard. So… I had been completely wrong. Sara hadn’t cheating at all and… and everything she’d said was the truth?!
But what about what I had fucking said?! All the mean, hurtful, cruel things, and… and she didn’t even know why I’d said them?! I’d never even told her about the message! She probably thought I was getting back to my insanely jealous, crazy ways.
Oh my god… but I had, hadn’t I? I was basically being crazy. I’d never even given her the chance to tell her side. Even with as well as things had been going, I hadn’t trusted her. My brain had gone to the worst possible scenario.
I’d really messed this up.
And it had been the best relationship I’d ever had in my life. I’d thought we were going to end up together, and I’d just thrown it all away?! Over a misunderstanding?! Because some girl who hated me had decided to meddle in my relationship?