by Edie Bryant
No, no, it wasn’t going to go down like this. I wasn’t going to let go of the best thing that had ever happened to me. It just wasn’t going to happen. I was going to fight for this.
I didn’t know if Sara would forgive me, who knew if she’d even believe me. Lord knows I hadn’t believed her, but I had to try. I had to do every fucking thing I could to make this work.
I truly believed she was my only shot at real love.
I jumped up off the couch. “I’ve… I’ve got to go,” I said suddenly. “I’ve got to see Sara.”
“Lauren, I’m so sorry!” Brandon said, sounding sincere as hell. “I hope you don’t hate me.”
Shit, just then, I realized I couldn’t dart out the door right away. I had to say something to Brandon. I had to let him know that I didn’t blame him.
“Brandon, I don’t hate you. I believe you, I don’t think you had any part of this. You’re just not that kind of person. You wouldn’t do something so evil. You can’t control when other people step into your life and make mistakes like this.”
He looked up at me hopefully. “Really? You’re not livid?”
“Not at you.” I forced a quick smile. “Don’t worry, you did nothing wrong. You have nothing to feel guilty for.”
He nodded. “Thanks for that. I’ll, uh, I’ll just get out of your hair so you can go address this with your girlfriend.”
I was so appreciative of him understanding my urgency. “Thank you, Brandon. And thanks for coming and telling me. I know it was hard, but, if you hadn’t, I might have ruined my relationship for good.”
Hell, I still might have.
“Of course. It was the only decent thing to do,” he said, as he stood up. “And, Lauren?”
“Yeah?” I asked.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, either. I want you to know that, I really don’t blame you, either. Maybe I did for a while, while I was emotional and volatile, but, the truth is, I wasn’t happy in our relationship, either. And what you did gave me the push I needed to finally move on. So, thank you for that, seriously. I’m actually dating someone now, and… well, it’s new, but it’s fun.”
“Really? You’re dating?!” I asked excitedly.
I know normally it’d weird to be totally stoked that your ex was dating someone new, but I could not have been happier about this. I genuinely was very glad, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
“Yeah! And she’s really great. And I really hope things work out with you and Sara.” He smiled. “Now, hurry up! Go get her!”
I laughed and gave him a quick hug outside of my front door after locking it.
“Thanks, Brandon. I hope she works out for you, too.”
We said goodbye and each got in our cars to leave. With his visit, I achieved both a sense of relief and also many more new concerns.
Sara hadn’t cheated, and I had no idea if she was ever going to forgive me for the things I’d done and said. I was hoping, though…
Because she was my everything.
14
Sara
These last few days may have been the hardest of my entire life.
It was so much worse than when Lauren and I had broken up in college. I guess because I’d seen that break-up coming, slowly and steadily. I’d known we hadn’t been doing well, and I really hadn’t think we were going to last. Things had become just too toxic between us.
But that wasn’t what had happened recently. I hadn’t been expecting a break-up at all this time. I’d thought Lauren and I were going to stand the test of time now. I hadn’t ever expected her old issues to rear their ugly head.
Though, I guess that had been naïve of me. I definitely should have seen this coming. Or at least, I could have left the option open for her going back to her old ways rather than assuming we were going to have been fine from this point forward.
I’d really thought she had been the one for me, though. I was at a point where I couldn’t even imagine being with another person. I didn’t know what I was going to do anymore.
At the moment, I was just spending every night in my sad studio apartment, getting more and more stressed about my life. More and more stressed about the fact that I was going to be alone for Lord knew how long.
A few months ago, that hadn’t sounded so bad. Being single and exploring myself had seemed the right thing to do, but, now that I knew what it felt like to be madly in love again… this all hurt pretty badly.
I was in the kitchen, willing myself to choose something to eat, as my appetite had been fucked up ever since the break-up, when I heard the doorbell ring.
I’m embarrassed to say my mind went to Lauren first. I was so wishing it would be her standing on the other side of that door, waiting to tell me that she’d made a horrible mistake, and I really was the one for her…
But I knew that wasn’t going to happen.
I sulked over to the door, hoping that whomever it was would be gone when I got there.
But, when I opened the door, I was shocked to find that it was, in fact, Lauren standing in front of me.
Now, I know moments ago I’d been wishing that it would be her on the other side of that door. But, now that I was actually looking at her, I was filled with a mixture of anger and elation.
“Yes?” I asked, a little more coldly than I meant to.
“I, uh, I wanted to talk… if you wanted to.”
I shrugged “I’m not sure. Talk about what?”
“Talk about us…” she said nervously.
I raised an eyebrow. “Is there an ‘us’? Because I was under the impression that there wasn’t.”
“Yeah… I’m sorry about that, but… I hope there will be?”
I shouldn’t let her in. I knew that. A woman who was so accusatory of me was not one who deserved my love and affection. That was all there is to it, she didn’t fucking deserve me. And letting her back into my life was probably a mistake. There was literally no excuse for her behavior. One morning off work shouldn’t have lead to full-blown cheating accusations.
But I was weak. I loved her, and what my heart wanted and what my brain thought was right were not the same things right now.
“Come in,” I told her, but very bluntly. I didn’t want her to think I’d already warmed up to her. If she was serious, she was going to have to fight for this. Because she’d seriously fucked up.
“So, I really owe you an apology,” she said as she sat down on my couch.
“Yeah? You think?” I asked her, irritated.
“Uh, yeah. So, Brandon came to my house tonight and—”
“Wait, Brandon, your ex? He just… came over tonight?” I asked, trying to hide a little bit of my own jealousy. “Did you invite him over?”
“No, he came over unannounced.”
“Why?” I asked, sharply.
“He wanted to apologize to me.”
“Apologize? For what?”
“For something that Taylor did.”
“Okay…” I said, waiting for her to explain.
“See, I guess Taylor really thought I’d cheated on Brandon with you, and she didn’t like that, so she wanted to get back at me. And to get back to me, she thought she’d convince me that you were cheating on me.”
My eyes widened. “What?! How!?” This was the first realization that I’d had that it wasn’t just me missing work that had convinced her I’d been cheating.
Still, there were no excuses. She shouldn’t have believed Taylor before coming to me! Obviously she’d had it out for her, how could she believe her?!
“Well, she made a fake Facebook profile of this girl. Then this girl messaged me saying that my girlfriend had been hitting on her on Facebook, and when she’d seen she was in a relationship, she had to tell me. And she included screen shots, which were of your Facebook profile talking to her, basically.”
“Screenshots?!”
“Yeah… obviously, they were totally fake, but… I fell for them. And I know that is in no way an
excuse for how I acted. Don’t think I’m trying to blame this all on Taylor, because, while she’s been a total bitch about this, it was on me to distinguish fact from fiction. It’s on me to trust you, and I guess I was just so scared to get hurt that I just reacted… badly.”
I didn’t know what to make of this. I wanted to hate her for what she’d done, but I felt like I couldn’t. This was a lot different of a situation than I’d initially thought. I couldn’t even necessarily think that, in her shoes, I would have reacted any differently. I mean, with screenshots and everything?
But, I was still hurt from what she’d said.
“You know, it was like you had no regard for me when I came to see you that day—”
“I know!” she answered quickly. “And I’m so fucking sorry, Sara. And you have every reason to hate me. But it wasn’t how I really feel. They were the words of a bitter woman trying to protect her heart from someone she’d thought had betrayed it. But I have missed you every fucking day since then, and I just… I feel so stupid. I made the biggest mistake of my life.”
All I could do was nod along, still unsure of what to say as I sorted through my feelings.
“I understand if you can’t forgive me. If you can’t be with me, it’s fine. I’m not saying I won’t miss you, because, of course, I will. Every single damn day. But I will understand, regardless.”
“I… I don’t know how I feel right now. I’m very confused…” I told her honestly.
My heart ached as I saw how dejected this made her. She’d made a mistake, but it had been a more honest one than I’d thought. It didn’t necessarily mean her jealousy issues were back, and I truly did think it was something I could forgive, eventually.
“I want to take it slowly,” I told her. “I want to forgive you, but… I want to ease back into things.”
“Seriously?!” she said excitedly. “You’re not just… done?!”
“No, I’m not just done,” I gave her a soft smile, because, despite my frustrations, this genuinely made me happy. “But you better have learned this time. Like, seriously, this better be the last damn time this ever happens.”
“Oh my god, it will be! I swear on my life, it will be! I’m not going to fuck this up again. I am not going to do a damn thing to lose you, I swear!”
Without thinking, she wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug and kissed my cheek.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” she squealed to me. “You have no idea what this second chance means. It’s everything! And I am not going to let you down a second time.”
“You better not,” I told her seriously, though I WAS obviously still smiling.
“You know, I really was getting you a gift that day I called in,” I told her as we pulled out of our hug.
“Oh, right…” she blushed. “Yeah, I’m really sorry about that… I definitely don’t deserve it now.”
“No, you don’t,” I teased her. “But I’ll give it to you anyway, because I am just such a kind and generous girlfriend.”
“I can’t deny that,” she smiled.
This gift had been sitting in the back of my cabinets since she’d accused me of cheating on her because I just couldn't stand to look at it. I’d tried to get myself to throw it away, but I couldn’t do that, either. Which, obviously, now I was really glad that I hadn’t.
I went and fished it out of the cabinet and held it behind my back. I had been so excited to see her reaction to this before our little break-up, and all that excitement was flooding back to me.
“Okay, close your eyes,” I told Lauren, who was still sitting on the couch.
“Okay…” she said anxiously.
I very carefully set the gift on the coffee table in front of her.
“Okay, open them!”
When she opened her eyes, she looked totally astounded.
“Wh-what is—”
She was both stunned by the beauty of the gift and slightly confused at its meaning, which I understood.
“So, you’ve heard of roses dipped in gold, right? Well, I decided to pick some of the wheat from the field where we took our first long walk in the country and get them dipped in gold. I also picked a bunch of wildflowers that were along the road we walked along.”
Tears came to her eyes. “This is… so fucking beautiful! Thank you, Sara. Wow… just, wow.”
This was the exact reaction I’d been hoping for.
“You really like it?”
“I adore it! This is the sweetest, most thoughtful gift I think I’ve received… uh, well ever! Thank you so much.”
“You’re welcome.” I gave her a quick peck.
I was actually embarrassed at how quickly my anger dissolved. Not that I wanted to be angry, of course I didn’t, but I didn’t want to seem like a pushover, either.
I couldn’t help it though, I was so happy. And Lauren had actually given me a reason that made more sense, so… I don’t know, I knew I was jumping the gun, but it all felt like my life was coming back together.
“What was the occasion?” Lauren asked me.
“Occasion?” I said, not following.
“For this beautiful gift, I mean.”
“Oh! Right, uh, well there wasn’t any big occasion… though I guess I had been planning to ask you to move in with me.”
Her eyebrows rose. “You were?”
“But, I mean, maybe now we should really stick to the taking it slowly thing.”
“Right, of course. I completely understand.”
I could see she was at least mildly disappointed about this, but this was one thing I absolutely couldn’t backtrack on. I needed more time to see that she really would trust me from this point forward. I may have been willing to get back together with her, but I was not willing to jump head first into dangerous water.
“This gift means everything to me,” she whispered once more. “I don’t know how I could ever outdo it.”
“Well, don’t try,” I told her. “Just be a good woman for me, stand by me, live your days with me. That’s all I want and all I’ll ask for. You can be my gift.”
She smiled softly. “I really hope to be.” But she didn’t sound completely happy while saying that.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Oh, nothing…” she muttered. “I’m just so scared to lose you. It’s been such a long journey here, you know? I want that journey to be over.”
I smiled. “Well, it’s never over, babe. The journey just changes.”
“You’re right,” she nodded, “but, hopefully, from now on, my journey always includes you.”
I nestled myself into her arms. “I really hope that, too.”
She ran her fingers through my hair. “You’re amazing, you know that? Genuinely the kindest, sweetest, most forgiving woman I’ve ever met in my life.”
I leaned up and kissed her. “You’re not too bad yourself.”
We were quiet for just a moment before Lauren asked, “Do you think it’s really going to work this time? I mean, without outside interference, do you think our relationship will flourish?”
I reached up and softly gripped her hands. “You know what? I do, I really, really do.”
And I wasn’t wrong.
Epilogue
Lauren
I smiled as I glanced over at Sara, who was snoring soundly in the passenger seat next to me. Perfect, this was exactly what I had been hoping for.
I had taken her out of town for the day, just a few hours away to the coast to do something a little different. It was our one-year anniversary, and I wanted it to be special.
So I took her to a nice restaurant, we had some drinks on the beach, went to a museum I thought she’d like, and now we were on our way back into town.
Sara always fell asleep on the way home from our day trips. That was just Sara. Even at home most weekend days, she wanted to take a mid-day nap if we’d been running errands.
But I had been banking on that.
I had this plan, but I didn�
�t want Sara to be aware of it. At least, not at first. I wanted it all to be a pleasant surprise.
Okay, more than a pleasant surprise! I wanted it to be the biggest and best surprise of her life! And I thought it would be.
In the last year, we’d grown together in ways I’d never imagined we could. She’d become my best friend, my confidante, and the most fantastic lover I’d ever had. She had become my everything, and I loved her for it.
Incidentally, she had also made me a much better person. After that time I’d almost lost her for good, I’d successfully managed to keep my paranoia and jealousy in check. Losing her had been a lesson I’d only had to learn once, and, since that day, I’d been dedicated to being the best girlfriend I possibly could be.
And I hoped it was working. It was hard to tell, because it was hard to take a look at myself objectively, but I could definitely say that she and I’d had pretty much no problems since that time. We’d rarely even argued. Our relationship had been perfection.
I could easily say that, too, because, compared to the kind of relationship I’d had with Brandon, being with Sara was genuinely heaven. And that was no offense to Brandon at all. We still talked now and then, he was a sweet guy, and he seemed to be doing well. Which made me really happy.
For many years, he had been great to me. And I’d never forget that. But, unfortunately, he just could never be Sara. And Sara was what I needed to be happy.
Even after moving in together six months ago, Sara and I still never bickered about stuff around the house. When I had found myself getting annoyed or irritated with her, I’d managed to rein it in, reminding myself of how incredibly lucky I was to have her and how I never, ever wanted to lose her. And that worked pretty much all of the time.
I tried to pull up to the place I was taking Sara as quietly as possible. I didn’t want her to wake up before I parked. I wanted to be able to talk to her before she realized where we were.
Unfortunately, that part didn’t exactly go as planned. But that was okay, I had been expecting that, too. As often as Sara fell asleep in the car, she always seemed to jolt awake the second we hit the driveway.