by Lara Wynter
“Jemma, I think I’m in—”
I reach up and put my hand over his lips. “No, don’t say that. Please, Wes, please don’t.”
“Look, I’m not asking you to feel the same. I just want you to know how I feel.”
Tears fill my eyes. More than anything I want to let him speak. I want to shout out my own feelings, but it’s not right. There are so many things that aren’t right about this…about us. “Can’t we just be friends? You are the most amazing man I’ve ever met. But I think we need to accept that this could never work between us. I couldn’t live my life in the spotlight. I can’t do what you do.”
Wes gently wipes a tear from my cheek. “Do you feel anything for me?” His expression is so vulnerable, so exposed.
“Of course, I care for you deeply. Much more than I should.”
His eyes turn from vulnerable to passionate in a moment and he presses his lips against mine. I know I should pull back but I can’t. I wind my fingers through his hair and return his kiss with everything I have in me. If this is our final kiss, I will let myself have this moment. He deepens the kiss and my whole body feels like it’s on fire. I forget where we are and who I am and that we’re not alone. Wes finally pulls back, and I’m gasping, my hands are trembling. I look into Wes’s eyes, not knowing what to say.
Wes’s eyes take on a familiar sadness. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think that was a goodbye kiss.”
“Do you think we can still be friends? I’ll understand if you don’t want me working for you anymore.”
Wes’s muscles go rigid. “What? Of course I still want you to work for me. Look, I’m sorry I crossed the line. Please stay…I promise I can be more professional. If you don’t want me to, I promise I won’t kiss you again. Just stay. Please don’t leave me…us.”
My heart aches. I want to promise him anything he wants right now. I want to tell him how much he means to me. I want to tell him I want to grow old with him. I want to promise him forever. Instead I take a deep breath and promise him the only thing I can. “I won’t leave. If you want me here, to look after Sophie, then I’ll be here as long as you need.”
“Well,” Wes grins and puts up his walls again.
If I didn’t know him as well as I do, as well as I know myself, I wouldn’t be able to tell, the transition is so smooth.
“Knowing Sophie, she’ll probably need someone to look out for her for the next fifty years. You up for the challenge?”
On the outside I return the smile, my walls locking firmly around my heart. “Definitely.”
We turn to look at Lady Liberty as her peaceful presence of hope and freedom for a better future washes over us.
Wes and I are the first to arrive for dinner. Things are still a bit awkward between us, but what was I expecting? I’m just glad he didn’t send me home. Not that I even have a home anymore. Sure, I could go back to my folks, but that’s not really home anymore either. It’s hard to imagine being apart from everyone now. It’s amazing how close I feel to them all. But it’s not real. I’m just here to do a job for a time and then I’ll just be a memory to the guys in the band. One of many who was here for a season and then gone. Autumn and I will still visit so I won’t be totally forgotten, but their lives are so different from the path mine will probably take.
I spent a couple of hours doing some study before I came down for dinner, but my heart wasn’t really in it. My mind kept remembering the look on Wes’s face just before he kissed me. He looked so vulnerable and open and for the thousandth time, I wonder if I did the right thing. But deep in my heart I know I did. Our lives are so different, and our beliefs. I want a husband I can share my faith with. I can’t allow myself to be swept away with feelings of desire that will fade with time. It’s better to end things now than to have them end in heartbreak later. As much as my head can think rationally, my heart feels pretty torn apart right now. The truth is I’ve already messed things up, let things go too far.
Sophie walks into our private dining room. Her face is alight with happiness. “Oh my gosh, Wes! Thank you so much for letting me go today. It was the absolute best day of my life!” She flings her arms around her brother’s shoulders and hugs him tightly.
I grin when I see Wes genuinely smile for the first time since we got on the boat.
“Glad you had a good time, Soph. You want to tell us about it?”
Sophie pulls out a seat at the end of the table next to Wes. “Well, first we went to the set. I’ve never been to a real movie set before. JD was so great. He showed me around and told me how it all works. He even introduced me to some of the other actors that were there. Kasey Fillmore is so beautiful in real life,” Sophie sighs dramatically. “And so sweet and glamorous. I want to be just like her one day.”
Wes arches an eyebrow. “So you want to be an actor now? I thought singing was your passion?”
“Oh, there are plenty of people who do both. Maybe I should start dance lessons so I can be a triple threat? What do you think Jem?”
I smile. Her enthusiasm for life is catching. “Sure, dance lessons are great for strength and flexibility. It certainly won’t hurt if you want to try out for the track team as well.”
“You want to try out for track?” Wes asks.
“Yeah, Jemma said she’d train with me. Get me ready and all that. Anna wants to do cheerleading, but I don’t think I wanna do that.”
Wes turns to me. “Are you sure you’ll have time for all that with your studies?”
“Sure, I still have all the school hours to study and besides, I really need to get fit. It’s been ages since I’ve been able to run properly, and I miss it.”
The rest of the band comes in and our conversation is interrupted. I look at Autumn as she walks around the table toward us. She looks tired but happy. Maybe she really is pregnant? She takes the empty seat on my other side and Finn sits beside her. Zane, Ryan, and Trent sit on the other side of the table. A cacophony of noise envelops me as everyone tries to recount their day all at once. Well, not quite everybody, beside me Wes is silent. His face is a carefully neutral mask. I want to reach out under the table and take his hand in mind. But I don’t think that would be appropriate right now, so I keep my hands firmly in my lap.
Autumn gently nudges my shoulder with her own. “So, tell me all about your day. Did anything special happen with a certain someone?” She smiles at me, and I really don’t want to take her happiness away.
“It was nice. We went up the Empire State building and we took the ferry to Liberty Island and then we had a lovely lunch and finished off with a walk through Central Park. It was the perfect day.” I smile brightly.
“Um yeah,” Autumn’s smile fades. “So perfect you haven’t even mentioned Wes. Did something happen between you?”
I sigh and tug at one of my curls. “Look, Wes and I are just friends. I know you wanted things to be more than that between us, but they can’t be. What you and Finn have…well that’s just not going to happen for us.”
“I’m really sorry…I just thought…never mind. Are you alright?”
My eyes get all watery as I try to smile reassuringly. “I will be. Anyway, what’s up with you? What were you and Finn up to all day? If it’s something you can actually tell me about anyway.”
Autumn’s cheeks turn pink. Even though she’s happily married now, she still gets flustered just thinking about Finn. “Well, it’s just I’ve been feeling a bit off lately. So Finn and I went to see a specialist today and…I’m pregnant!”
I squeal and throw my arms around my friend. This baby is going to be the cutest most adored baby on the planet. “Oh Autumn, I’m so happy for you and Finn. That is the best news ever.”
“I know. Finn was so happy when we found out he even cried.”
Finn leans over and kisses Autumn’s cheek. “You’re not going to tell everyone that are you? My reputation will be ruined.” His huge grin somewhat spoils the effect of his words. “Does this mean I can tell everyone now?�
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Autumn smiles. “Yes. Thanks for letting me tell Jem first. I love you.”
“Love you too beautiful.”
I look away as they share a heartfelt kiss. Finn stands and taps his glass a few times. The conversation is too loud for anyone to notice. “Oi, guys! Stop blathering for one second,” Finn bellows above the chatter. The table falls silent. “My beautiful wife Lil and I have an announcement to make.” He gently helps her to stand as if she’s suddenly become breakable. “We’re going to have a new band member soon.”
Autumn playfully slaps his arm. “A baby. And he or she will have to wait at least a few years before joining the band.”
The room erupts again as cheers and hugs follow. Everyone is soon squashed around our side of the table in a big group hug. Even in the chaos, I can still feel where Wes’s body touches my own. It’s like an intense heat on my skin where we are connected. I can tell it’s him when a hand gently brushes down my hair. Shivers run down my whole body. It’s enough to make me want to take back everything I said this afternoon and that I know to be true. I gather myself back together as everyone resumes their seats around the table.
Wes
As soon as the meal finishes, I excuse myself and head back up to my room. Jemma assures me she doesn’t mind staying until Sophie’s ready to leave. A wave of exhaustion sweeps over me and it’s all I can do to stumble back to my suite. I leave the lights off as I stagger to the bedroom and collapse on the bed.
Some people are destined to end up alone. I guess I’m supposed to be one of them. I’m tired of fighting, tired of trying. Tired of having feelings for the wrong people. At least for the next five years, I’ll just focus on getting Sophie through her teenage years in one piece. Maybe if I scare off all the boys she can even emerge with her heart intact.
I kick off my shoes and pull off my jeans before lying back down. I toss and turn on the big empty bed but sleep eludes me. I wonder what’s in the mini bar? I toss the thought immediately. I’m not getting hammered while Sophie’s here. In a few years I’ll have to explain how drinking isn’t the answer to anything.
Sitting up, I flick the bedside lamp on. I reach over and get out my Gibson guitar. While I usually compose on the piano, on the road it’s much easier to have a guitar handy. For a while I just strum and let the feel of the random chords relax me. Music has so much power. It has the power to affect our moods and our hearts and somehow we can connect with it on an instinctual level. It’s something that I’ll always have, and I treasure the feeling.
As I play I find the random chords developing into something more. An intricately woven pattern of rhythm and melody. Using my right hand, I tap out a rhythm on the guitar body Tommy Emmanuel style. A few words come to me, and I sing softly.
She’s so young so trusting
Can’t see what the world has in store
Wish I could tell her what it’s like
But I don’t wanna break her
First we walk and then we fly
Only to come crashing back to earth
But this is your song not mine
So fly through a clear blue sky
Let the wind catch you and be true
’Cause that dam won’t break
Those walls won’t come crashing down
Ain’t nothing gonna break your heart
I keep strumming, my eyes closed. I have hope that Sophie’s life can be free of the troubles that have plagued mine so far. I let those feelings envelop me. That will be my life's purpose. I’m much better when I focus my energy on others anyway. We all have our own gifts in this life and this is mine. I push away any thoughts of bright blue eyes and golden curls.
Chapter 11
Jemma
It’s amazing how quickly things return to their normal routine. It’s as if that wonderful yet heartbreaking trip to New York never happened. Wes is on the final leg of the tour. He still calls most nights but now our phone conversations are only about Sophie again. How she’s doing with her running and the new dance classes that she’s started. Has she stopped talking about Jackson Durant all the time? Is she staying away from boys?
On the outside I’m becoming stronger, running with Sophie, working out in Wes’s gym. And then I study, I cram in as many study hours as I can. My grades are excellent but my heart suffers. On Sundays I go to church. It’s the only time of the week I feel more myself. I wish I could bring that feeling with me when I leave but it will take time to heal this new wound. Sophie hasn’t come with me yet, but maybe when Wes comes back we can all go together? Or is that something that the new Wes won’t be interested in anymore?
The alarm on my phone sounds, reminding me I’m picking up Sophie from school today. Usually Stan or Leon pick her up, but occasionally I do it if they can’t. I don’t mind, it gives me a good excuse to get out of the house for a while. And to drive one of Wes’s fancy cars. After Sophie convinced me it was alright to drive the Porsche, I actually asked Wes, and amazingly he told me I could drive it anytime. I grab the keys and head into the large garage. The shiny red Porsche sits in between the black Mercedes and the Silver Bronco that Wes drives when he doesn’t want to draw too much attention.
Wes isn’t someone who loves a lot of attention, so I’m kind of surprised he owns the Porsche at all. Perhaps it was something Sophie convinced him to get. Either way, I’m going to enjoy it while I can. The engine roars to life, and I back carefully out onto the drive. Clouds loom overhead. I hope the rain holds off until after we get home. Looks like our run will be done on the treadmills today. I’m sure Leon will be relieved he doesn’t have to accompany us on our run.
The rain is still holding off as I pull into the school parking lot. I park under a tree and turn off the engine. While I’m waiting, I check my email and social media accounts. It’s a distraction I don’t allow myself too often. There isn’t much to see anyway. My old church is having a fundraiser for those who have been made homeless in the recent bushfires. I should probably give them a good donation. After all, I can afford it now. Wes pays me more than he should and I don’t really have many expenses.
Thinking of Wes, I google his name before I can really think about the consequences. The usual stuff comes up, news of the tour and where the band will be performing. A few pictures of the band taken with fans. Some recent social media posts. One article suggests Ryan is dating a famous actress, which I doubt is true. I scroll further down. A headline about Wes being the father of a woman’s baby grabs my attention. It’s obviously fake. I believe Wes when he told me there hasn’t been anyone for two years. I wonder if Wes knows about it? It will upset him for sure. It’s one of the reasons he hates being famous, having people make up lies about him. I shiver. I definitely don’t want to live like that. How much extra pressure does that sort of thing put on a relationship? No wonder Finn takes Autumn with him everywhere. Less possibility for the media to try and tear them apart.
Finn and Autumn’s love story is old news now, but just wait until someone gets a photo of her baby bump. I hope they know how they’re going to deal with all that. Maybe I should call Wes? Just check if he’s seen the story without bringing it up somehow? Or better still, I’ll call Autumn. She’ll know for sure, and I can ask her how she’s doing with her pregnancy.
I check the time. Sophie should have been here by now. I jump out of the car and scan the grounds. A few kids are still leaving and the line of school buses is heading out already. She’s probably just talking to her friends but still… A worm of worry slithers through my stomach as I walk toward the school.
I look around me as I go. I dial Sophie’s number but it goes straight to voicemail. There aren’t many students left standing about so it’s pretty easy to scan the groups and dismiss them. I wish Leon were here, his large strong presence would be a help right now. I whisper a quick prayer that Sophie is safe and well and I head toward the school office. Relief floods over me as I see Sophie’s friend Anna leaving the building. I rush toward her.
“Anna, hey, have you seen Soph?”
“Oh, hey, Jemma.” Anna looks confused for a moment. “Uh, Sophie didn’t come to school today. She messaged me last night to say she had a headache and might not be here today.”
My heart pounds in my chest and my palms begin to sweat. “She what?” I grab Anna by both shoulders. “What do you mean she didn’t come to school today? Leon dropped her off this morning.”
Anna tries to step back, but my shaking fingers remain clamped around the girl’s slim frame. “I swear, I don’t know what she’s up to.”
I let go and hold out my hand. “Show me your phone.”
Anna hands it straight over. “I really don’t know what’s going on.”
I ignore her as I scroll through her messages. It’s true. The last one from Sophie just says she has a headache and might not come to school. I thrust the phone back at her.
“Please, Anna, even if you just suspect where she is, please tell me. I promise you won’t be in any trouble. I just need to know that she's safe, okay?”
Anna is trembling now. “I really don’t know. Wherever she is, I have no idea.”
I push past her toward the office. Looking back over my shoulder, I add. “If you hear from her, please, make sure she calls me or Wes.”
“Of course,” Anna responds.
The inside of the office building is dim and cool. The receptionist looks up as I approach.
“Did Sophie come to school today?” I demand.
Her lips form a thin line at my abrupt manner, but she turns to her computer and taps away. “No, our records say that she was reported as sick today.”