She drew in a deep breath and opened the door.
But the landing was empty, and the breath she’d been holding seeped from her as disappointment flooded her chest.
Apparently she’d wanted to see him more than she let herself admit.
But this was for the best.
This way, she could let Sophie help her sort out her feelings first.
Before she acted on them and did something she’d regret.
By the time she got to Sophie’s house, she’d almost convinced herself that she already knew what to do. She had to stop things with Nate before they went any further. She was half afraid Sophie would confirm her feelings and half afraid she’d say Violet should go for it with Nate.
She pulled her jacket tighter as she crossed the frost-dusted grass to Sophie and Spencer’s front door. Not bothering to knock, she slid inside silently.
Sophie and Spencer were sitting at stools in front of their kitchen counter. Each had a muffin in front of them, and Spencer leaned over to pop a bite of his into Sophie’s mouth. Then he kissed her forehead before pushing his stool back.
Violet had to stop at the jolt in her heart. She knew everything about Spencer and Sophie. She’d been the one to set them up―twice―but still, it felt as if she’d walked in on an intensely private moment.
“Hey, Violet.” Spencer caught sight of her first and gave her his easy smile. “Grab a muffin and some coffee.” He dropped another kiss on his wife’s head, then disappeared out the front door.
As soon as he was gone, Sophie turned to Violet. “All right, spill. I saw those looks between you and Nate last night, so . . .” Sophie waved a hand in the air, inviting Violet to finish the story.
Violet covered her face with both hands, suddenly afraid to tell her friend what had happened.
Sophie and Cade had been close. She’d be devastated at the thought of Violet kissing another man. Not to mention that she’d likely tell Violet it was a bad idea.
Which it was.
But that didn’t mean she wanted to hear someone else say it.
“You know what?” Violet uncovered her face. “I was totally overreacting. It was nothing.” She grabbed a muffin and stuffed a big bite into her mouth.
“If you think you’re getting off the hook that easily, you obviously haven’t been paying very good attention during the last twenty-eight years of our friendship.”
Violet dragged out her bite as long as she could, but finally there was no more avoiding Sophie. There was no way she was getting out of here without telling her friend everything.
“Fine.” She worked to make her voice nonchalant. “We kissed.”
“Obviously. I could have told you that was going to happen. It’s about time.” Sophie took a bite of her muffin, letting a smile play on her face.
“You knew we were going to kiss? How? I didn’t―”
“The point isn’t how I knew. It’s how was the kiss?”
Violet closed her eyes, trying to figure out how to describe it.
“That good, huh?”
Violet shook her head, opening her eyes. “I mean, it was good.” Really good. “But it was like― Remember that time when we were in fifth grade and we saw that tornado go through the cornfields to the west?”
The tornado had been too far away to damage any buildings in town. But even from that distance, she had been in awe of its sheer power and its destructive potential.
Sophie nodded, giving her a puzzled look. “He kisses like a tornado?”
Violet let out a little laugh. “No. It’s just, I feel like I could be completely knocked over and spun around by the strength of it, you know?”
“Oooh.” Sophie held the word out longer than necessary.
“What?” Violet knew that sound. And she had a feeling she wasn’t going to like what Sophie had to say.
“I haven’t seen you like this since you first realized you were in love with Cade.” Sophie’s voice was quiet, as if she was trying not to alarm Violet, but Violet jumped to her feet, agitated.
“I’m not in love with Nate.” She stopped. Reexamined her words. Was she in love with Nate?
“I didn’t say you are.” Sophie’s voice was calm, too calm, as she took another bite of muffin.
“No, you didn’t say it, but that’s what you think. You think I’m betraying Cade and falling in love with another man.” Violet pointed an accusing finger at her friend.
Sophie dropped her muffin and pushed to her feet, looking truly shocked. “Violet, betraying Cade and falling in love with another man are not the same thing. Is that what you’re upset about?”
Violet stopped pacing. “Upset? I’m not upset.” But the crack in her voice gave her away.
Sophie crossed the room and wrapped her in a fierce hug. “Sweetie, having feelings for another man is not a betrayal. Cade is gone. He would want you to move on.”
“No he wouldn’t. At his funeral, I promised him I’d never love anyone else like I loved him. And now―” She swallowed the sob she felt building. “Every day, I feel the hole in my heart growing a little smaller. And someday, if I let it, it will disappear, and Cade will be really gone. How is that not a betrayal?” She couldn’t hold back the tears any longer.
“Honey, I knew Cade. Almost as well as you did, remember? And he would never― Look at me.” She waited for Violet to lift her head. Tears shone in her eyes, too, as she continued. “He would never in a million years want you to have a hole in your heart. He’d want you to have a full life. Including someone to love.”
A sob tore loose from deep in Violet’s soul, rocking her body and sending shudders through her frame. It took a moment for her to calm down.
But in that moment, she felt cleansed, as if she’d been given a new chance at life. A chance to release her hold on the past and move toward the future.
Chapter 33
Violet’s hand shook as she reached behind her neck and tried to work the clasp of the white onyx Cade had given her on their first anniversary. He’d put it inside a huge box, laughing as she dug through piles of packing peanuts to get to it. Then they’d had a snowball fight with the peanuts. It had made such a mess. But the joy of sharing that moment was totally worth the time they’d had to spend cleaning up afterward.
She finally succeeded with the clasp and raised a hand to her lips at the memory of the kiss they’d enjoyed after the clean-up.
Lips that for the past week had been kissing another man.
Lips that wanted to kiss him again.
She could finally admit that letting herself feel this way was okay. It was better than okay.
It was a sign that she still had a heart somewhere in there under all the layers and cushions she’d built up around it.
Violet tried to read over the speech she had prepared for the assembly at the high school. But every time she did, the familiar images of Cade morphed into Nate. It felt like her two worlds―her past and her present―were colliding.
Maybe she should call off her visit to the school. She’d agreed to it more than six months ago. When she was in a very different place emotionally.
But she’d been asked to share the story of Cade’s death as part of a campaign to prevent drunk driving among teens. And though she felt sick at the thought of sharing her pain publicly, if it could help prevent even one family from going through what she had, it’d be worth it.
Sophie had offered to go with her, but Violet had said she preferred to do this alone. Now she was starting to rethink that. But it was too late. She was supposed to be at the school in fifteen minutes.
She gave herself a last look in the mirror, then grabbed her purse. If she didn’t do this now, she never would.
She opened the door but immediately took half a step back. “Nate!” Her heart hammered and she pressed a hand to her chest. “What are you doing here?”
He lowered the hand that had been lifted. “Well, I was about to knock, but I guess you read my mind.” He gave her a sneaky smi
le. “Since it’s Monday and you’re off, I thought I’d play hooky so we could spend the day together.”
“Oh.” She pulled out her phone to check the time. “I’m sorry. I have an appointment.”
His face fell, but he leaned forward to peer at her more closely. “Hey. Are you feeling okay? You look really pale.” He reached for her hand. “And you’re shaking.”
“I’m fine.” She worked to steady her voice. “Just nervous.”
Concern clouded his eyes. “Why? What’s going on? Did Talmadge threaten you again? Because―”
“No, nothing like that.” She tried to slide past him, but he was blocking the doorway.
“Violet.” He lifted her chin with his hand. “Tell me what’s going on. I want to help.”
“I’m supposed to give a talk at the school. But I’m not sure I can.” Her voice cracked on the last word, and he pulled her into his arms. She burrowed closer, letting his warmth cloak her.
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Would you―” She swallowed. She wasn’t sure she could ask it of him. But she also wasn’t sure she could do it without him. “Would you come with me?”
“Do you even have to ask?” He took her arm and led her down the stairs.
The chaotic chatter of teenage conversations filled the high school auditorium. Nate shifted in his seat next to a group of giggling teenage girls. He didn’t take his eyes off Violet, who was seated in an uncomfortable looking chair on the stage, even paler than when they’d left the apartment.
She’d barely said two words on the drive here, but from what he had gathered, both she and Cade had gone to school here, and they’d asked her to speak about his death. They were probably establishing a scholarship in his name or something.
Nerves twisted in his gut for Violet’s sake. It was obvious she wasn’t comfortable with the idea of public speaking. But when he’d asked why she’d agreed to do it, she’d simply said it was important and fallen silent again, so he’d left her to her thoughts.
He tried to catch her eye now, but she was reviewing a stack of index cards clutched in her hands.
A balding man in a suit approached the microphone and tapped it, sending a loud crackling through the space. The buzz of conversations slowed and died, although a couple of the girls next to Nate were still giggling.
“Good morning, students. As you know, we are bringing in a series of speakers this year to highlight the consequences of our choices. Our speaker this morning is a Hope Springs graduate, and so was her husband Cade. I hope you’ll give Mrs. Somers your full attention as she tells you about how one teenager’s choice to drive drunk resulted in her husband’s death at the age of twenty-five. Mrs. Somers?”
The room fell entirely silent as Violet walked tentatively toward the microphone, but a low buzzing had filled Nate’s head. He fought to control the nausea rising in his throat.
In one horrifying moment, it all clicked into place. Cade hadn’t just been in an accident. He’d been killed by a drunk driver.
By someone like Nate.
It took all of his willpower to remain in his seat. He couldn’t get out of his row without stumbling over a dozen students. Plus, he wasn’t certain his legs would hold him. And there was a part of him―the part that watched a cut bleed for a few seconds before putting on a bandage―that felt compelled to hear what she had to say. To subject himself to the torment he deserved.
Nate held his breath as he waited for her to speak, as if that could change what she was about to say.
“My name is Violet Somers.” Violet’s voice shook, but she let her gaze sweep the auditorium, making eye contact with each section. Nate glanced around at the students, but they all had their eyes fixed on the stage. When her gaze reached his row, she paused. Nate dropped his eyes to his lap before she could make eye contact with him. He couldn’t handle that right now.
“I grew up here in Hope Springs and went to high school here. I even had some of the same teachers you have. Like Mr. Peterson and Mrs. Fox. And Mr. Jessup was still the principal. Although he had more hair then.” There was a smattering of laughter from the students. “From almost before I can remember, I hung out with the same group of friends. We climbed trees together, ate ice cream together, pulled pranks together.” She leaned away from the microphone and stage whispered, “But if Mr. Jessup asks, I had nothing to do with the cow in the cafeteria.” More laughter from the students. In spite of himself, Nate smiled. Violet had forged an instant connection with these students, and he knew whatever she said to them would have an impact.
“We were a group of boys and girls who loved life. Loved being together.” Her voice lowered. “Loved each other.”
She took an audible breath. “But then something happened. I don’t really know when or how. But one of the boys became more than a friend. His name was Cade.”
Nate was entranced by the slight smile on her face whenever she said her husband’s name, even if it sliced his heart at the same time. He wanted to be the one to bring that look to her face from now on. But he couldn’t be. Not after this.
The smile lingered as Violet kept talking. “We never really declared ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend. Not officially. But that’s how everyone saw us. And I guess that’s technically what you call it when two people only want to spend time with each other. At least that’s what my best friend Sophie told me.”
The girl next to Nate sighed.
“Our second year of college, Cade proposed. It was―” That smile again. “It was magical. He had no money at the time, of course, but he talked the art director at our school into letting him use one of the galleries where some of my work was displayed. And he blew up two hundred balloons with his own air. By the time I arrived, he was sitting with his head between his knees.”
A gentle laugh went up around the auditorium. They all knew how this was going to end. Otherwise, Violet wouldn’t be up there.
Nate clenched his teeth, not releasing even when the pain began to morph into a headache.
“I asked if he was okay, and he said, ‘No.’ And I was worried. He was all pale and sweating, and I thought, you know, we’d better get this guy to the doctor, he’s really sick. And then he grabbed my hand.” Violet held out her hand. “And he said―” She blew out a short breath.
Nate could almost feel everyone in the room leaning forward.
“He said he wouldn’t be okay until I agreed to spend the rest of my life with him.”
The whole room seemed to exhale at once, and nearly all the girls in Nate’s row lifted a hand to swipe at their eyes. He pressed his lips together and swallowed down the hard lump that had clotted the back of his throat.
“I said yes before he had the ring out of his pocket.” Violet ran a finger under her own eye, and Nate had to look away. He wanted to rush the stage and tell her to stop. Tell her not to hurt herself by reliving this story. Not to hurt him.
But she kept talking, building up to the inevitable.
“We got married the day after college graduation. Not long after that we opened an antique shop. It was―” Violet seemed to be searching for the right word. “It was perfect.”
She fiddled with her index cards as she stared out over the heads of the students. For a moment Nate thought she wouldn’t be able to go on. But then she shook her head and looked at the audience. “Actually, that’s not true. It wasn’t perfect. No relationship is. We fought sometimes. Sometimes I thought he was a slob. Sometimes he thought I was a control freak.” She laughed a little, and so did the audience. “But it was just right for us, you know?” She sniffed. “We had actually just decided to start a family.”
Nate’s lungs constricted. He hadn’t known that.
“But we didn’t get a chance.” Violet’s voice was stronger now, though Nate knew this had to be the hardest part.
“On June twelfth, three years ago, we were supposed to pick up a piece for our antique shop. It was farther than we usually went, and I wasn
’t sure we should go at all. At the last minute, we had an argument, and I decided not to go.”
Violet took a moment to scan every row of students. When her eyes stopped on his, Nate saw her shoulders rise as if she were drawing strength from him.
Still looking at him, she continued, “I was painting when someone knocked on the door that night. I thought maybe Cade had forgotten his keys. He did that all the time. By then, I’d had time to calm down from our argument, and I was ready to meet him at the door with an apology.”
She directed her gaze to the other side of the room, and Nate’s breath caught. He didn’t want to hear this next part. He couldn’t handle hearing it. And yet, he needed to hear it. If nothing else could convince him to let Violet go, this would. After all she had been through, she’d never be with someone like him.
“But it wasn’t Cade. It was a policeman. And in that moment, I knew. I just stood there, completely numb, my stupid paintbrush still in my hand, until the officer asked if there was anyone he could call. Without thinking, I said he should call Cade.” She closed her eyes for a moment, her face ashen under the stage lights. Nate looked away. He couldn’t take much more of this.
“The officer led me into the house and sat me down and explained that he couldn’t call Cade because Cade was dead. It was a drunk driver. A teenager who had been at a party.” Her shaky inhale rattled the microphone. “Because of one person’s mistake, Cade was gone.”
Nate had known this was where the story was going. And yet, the words were a rock plunging into his gut.
He couldn’t sit here any longer.
Couldn’t pretend that he belonged here.
He belonged with the guy who had killed Cade.
He shoved his way blindly past the masses of legs and out the auditorium door.
Not Until You (Hope Springs Book 3) Page 22