Last Sacrifice (6)

by Richelle Mead

  Dimitri laughed, and I wanted to stay like this forever, just the two of us, sweet and unguarded. Well—maybe not exactly this. I couldʹve done without the pain and thick bandages I felt on my chest. He and I had had so few times alone, moments when we could really relax and openly acknowledge being in love. Things had only begun to mend between us at the end there . . . and it had almost been too late. It might still be.

  ʺSo what now?ʺ I asked.

  ʺIʹm not sure.ʺ He rested his cheek against my forehead. ʺIʹm just so glad . . . so glad youʹre alive. Iʹve been so close to losing you so many times. When I saw you on the floor, and there was so much commotion and confusion . . . I felt so helpless. I realized you were right. We waste our lives with guilt and self-loathing. When you looked at me there at the end . . . I saw it. You did love me.ʺ

  ʺYou doubted?ʺ I meant the words jokingly, but they came out sounding offended. Maybe I was, a little. Iʹd told him I loved him plenty of times.

  ʺNo. I mean, I knew then that you didnʹt just love me. I realized you really had forgiven me.ʺ

  ʺThere was nothing to forgive, not really.ʺ Iʹd told him that before too.

  ʺIʹve always believed there was.ʺ He pulled back and looked at me again. ʺAnd thatʹs what was holding me back. No matter what you said, I just couldnʹt believe it . . . couldnʹt believe you would forgive all the things I did to you in Siberia and after Lissa healed me. I thought you were deluding yourself.ʺ

  ʺWell. It wouldnʹt be the first time Iʹve done that. But no, this time I wasnʹt.ʺ

  ʺI know, and with that revelation . . . in that split second that I knew you forgave me and that I really had your love, I was finally able to forgive myself too. All those burdens, those ties to the past . . . they went away. It was like . . .ʺ

  ʺBeing free? Flying?ʺ

  ʺYes. Except . . . it came too late. This sounds crazy, but while I was looking down at you, having all these thoughts coming together in my head, it was like . . . like I could see deathʹs hand reaching for you. And there was nothing I could do. I was powerless. I couldnʹt help.ʺ

  ʺYou did,ʺ I told him. ʺThe last things I saw before blacking out were you and Lissa.ʺ Well, besides the skeletal faces, but mentioning that would have killed this romantic moment. ʺI donʹt know how I survived getting shot, how I beat the odds . . . but Iʹm pretty sure your love—both of you—gave me the strength to fight through. I had to get back to you guys. God only knows what trouble youʹd get into without me.ʺ

  Dimitri had no words for that and answered instead by bringing his mouth to mine. We kissed, lightly at first, and the sweetness of the moment overpowered any pain I felt. The intensity had just barely picked up when he pulled away.

  ʺHey, what gives?ʺ I asked.

  ʺYouʹre still recovering,ʺ he chastised. ʺYou might think youʹre back to normal, but you arenʹt.ʺ

  ʺThis is normal for me. And you know, I thought with all this freedom and self-discovery and expression of our love stuff that we could finally stop with the whole Zen master wisdom and practical advice crap.ʺ

  This got me an outright grin. ʺRoza, thatʹs not going to happen. Take it or leave it.ʺ

  I pressed a kiss to his lips. ʺIf it means getting you, Iʹll take it.ʺ I wanted to kiss him again and prove who really did have greater self-control, but that damned thing called reality set in. ʺDimitri . . . for real, what happens to us?ʺ

  ʺLife,ʺ he said easily. ʺIt goes on. We go on. Weʹre guardians. We protect and maybe change our world.ʺ

  ʺNo pressure,ʺ I remarked. ʺBut whatʹs the ‘weʹ and ‘guardiansʹ part? I was pretty sure we were out of that career path.ʺ

  ʺMmm.ʺ He cupped my face, and I thought he might try another kiss. I hoped he would. ʺAlong with our pardons, we received our guardian status again.ʺ

  ʺEven you? They believe youʹre not a Strigoi?ʺ I exclaimed.

  He nodded.

  ʺHuh. Even if I got my name cleared, my ideal future was that weʹd get filing jobs near each other.ʺ

  Dimitri moved closer to me, his eyes sparkling with a secret. ʺIt gets better: youʹre Lissaʹs guardian.ʺ

  ʺWhat?ʺ I almost pulled away. ʺThatʹs impossible. Theyʹd never . . .ʺ

  ʺThey did. Sheʹll have others, so they probably figured it was okay to let you hang around if someone else could keep you in line,ʺ he teased.

  ʺYouʹre not . . .ʺ A lump formed in my stomach, a reminder of a problem that had plagued us so long ago. ʺYouʹre not one of her guardians too, are you?ʺ It had constantly been a concern, that conflict of interest. I wanted him near me. Always. But how could we watch Lissa and put her safety first if we were worried about each other? The past was returning to torment us.

  ʺNo, I have a different assignment.ʺ

  ʺOh.ʺ For some reason, that made me a little sad too, even though I knew it was the smarter choice.

  ʺIʹm Christianʹs guardian.ʺ

  This time I did sit up, doctorʹs orders or no. Stitches tugged in my chest, but I ignored the sharp discomfort. ʺBut thatʹs . . . thatʹs practically the same thing!ʺ

  Dimitri sat up too and seemed to be enjoying my shock, which was really kind of cruel, seeing as Iʹd almost died and everything. ʺA little. But they wonʹt be together every moment, especially with her going to Lehigh. Heʹs not going . . . but theyʹll keep coming back to each other. And when they do, so will we. Itʹs a good mix. Besides . . .ʺ He grew serious again. ʺI think youʹve proved to everyone that youʹre willing to put her life first.ʺ

  I shook my head. ʺYeah, but no one was shooting at you. Only her.ʺ I said it lightly, but it did make me wonder: what would I do if they were both in trouble? Trust him, a voice in my head said. Trust him to take care of himself. Heʹll do the same for you. I eyed Dimitri, recalling a shadow in my periphery back in the ballroom. ʺYou followed when I jumped in front of Lissa, didnʹt you? Who were you going for? Me or her?ʺ

  He studied me for several long seconds. He could have lied. He could have given the easy answer by saying heʹd intended to push both of us out of the way—if that was even possible, which I didnʹt recall. But Dimitri didnʹt lie. ʺI donʹt know, Roza. I donʹt know.ʺ

  I sighed. ʺThis isnʹt going to be easy.ʺ

  ʺIt never is,ʺ he said, pulling me into his arms. I leaned against his chest and closed my eyes. No, it wouldnʹt be easy, but it would be worth it. As long as we were together, it would be worth it.

  We sat like that for a long time, until a discrete knock at the half-open door broke us apart. Lissa stood in the doorway.

  ʺSorry,ʺ she said, her face shining with joy when she saw me. ʺShould have put a sock on the door. Didnʹt realize things were getting hot and heavy.ʺ

  ʺNo avoiding it,ʺ I said lightly, clasping Dimitriʹs hand. ʺThings are always hot with him around.ʺ

  Dimitri looked scandalized. Heʹd never held back when we were in bed together, but his private nature wouldnʹt let him even hint about such matters to others. It was mean, but I laughed and kissed his cheek.

  ʺOh, this is going to be fun,ʺ I said. ʺNow that everythingʹs out in the open.ʺ

  ʺYeah,ʺ he said. ʺI got a pretty ‘funʹ look from your father the other day.ʺ He gave Lissa a quick, knowing glance and then stood up. Leaning down, he kissed the top of my head. ʺI should go and let you two talk.ʺ

  ʺWill you be back?ʺ I asked as he moved to the door.

  He paused and smiled at me, and those dark eyes answered my questions and so much more. ʺOf course.ʺ

  Lissa took his spot, sitting on the bedʹs edge. She hugged me gingerly, no doubt worried about my injuries. She then scolded me for sitting up, but I didnʹt care. Happiness surged through me. I was so glad she was okay, so relieved, and—

  And I had no idea how she felt.

  The bond was gone. And not like during the jail escape, when sheʹd put the wall up. There was simply nothing there between us. I was with myself, completely and utterly alone, just as I had been years ago. My eyes widened,
and she laughed.

  ʺI wondered when youʹd notice,ʺ she said.

  ʺHow . . . how is this possible?ʺ I was frozen and numb. The bond. The bond was gone. I felt like my arm had been amputated. ʺAnd how do you know?ʺ

  She frowned. ʺPart of itʹs instinct . . . but Adrian saw it. That our auras arenʹt connected anymore.ʺ

  ʺBut how? How could that happen?ʺ I sounded crazy and desperate. The bond couldnʹt be gone. It couldnʹt.

  ʺIʹm not entirely sure,ʺ she admitted, her frown deepening. ʺI talked about it a lot with Sonya and, uh, Adrian. We think when I brought you back the first time, it was spirit alone that held you back from the land of the dead and that kept you tied to me. This time . . . you nearly died again. Or maybe you did for a moment. Only, you and your body fought your way back. It was you who got out, with no help from spirit. And once that happened . . .ʺ She shrugged. ʺLike I said, weʹre only guessing. But Sonya thinks once your own strength broke you away, you didnʹt need any help being pulled back from death. You did it on your own. And when you freed yourself of spirit, you freed yourself from me. You didnʹt need a bond to keep you with the living.ʺ

  It was crazy. Impossible. ʺBut if . . . if youʹre saying I escaped the land of the dead, Iʹm not, like, immortal or anything, am I?ʺ

  Lissa laughed again. ʺNo, weʹre certain of that. Sonya explained it, saying anything alive can die, and as long as youʹve got an aura, youʹre alive. Strigoi are immortal but not alive, so they donʹt have auras and—ʺ

  The world spun. ʺIʹll take your word for it. I think maybe I do need to lie down.ʺ

  ʺThatʹs probably a good idea.ʺ

  I gently eased myself onto my back. Desperately needing distraction from what Iʹd just learned—because it was still too surreal, still impossible to process—I eyed my surroundings. The lush room was bigger than Iʹd previously realized. It kept going and going, branching into other rooms. It was a suite. Maybe an apartment. I could just make out a living room with leather furniture and a flat screen TV. ʺWhere are we are?ʺ

  ʺIn palace housing,ʺ she replied.

  ʺPalace housing? Howʹd we end up here?ʺ

  ʺHow do you think?ʺ she asked dryly.

  ʺI . . .ʺ I couldnʹt work my mouth for a moment. I needed no bond to realize what had happened. Another impossibility had occurred while Iʹd been out of it. ʺCrap. They had the election, didnʹt they? They elected you queen, once Jill was there to stand in for your family.ʺ

  She shook her head and almost laughed. ʺMy reaction was a little stronger than ‘crap,ʹ Rose. Do you have any idea what youʹve done?ʺ

  She looked anxious, stressed, and totally overwhelmed. I wanted to be serious and comforting for her sake . . . but I could feel a goofy grin spreading over my face. She groaned.

  ʺYouʹre happy.ʺ

  ʺLiss, you were meant for this! Youʹre better than any of the other candidates.ʺ

  ʺRose!ʺ she cried. ʺRunning for queen was supposed to be a diversion. Iʹm only eighteen.ʺ

  ʺSo was Alexandra.ʺ

  Lissa shook her head in exasperation. ʺIʹm so sick of hearing about her! She lived centuries ago, you know. I think people died when they were thirty back then. So she was practically middle-aged.ʺ

  I caught hold of her hand. ʺYouʹre going to be great. It doesnʹt matter how old you are. And itʹs not like you have to call meetings and analyze law books all on your own, you know. I mean, Iʹm sure not going to do any of that, but there are other smart people. Ariana Szelsky didnʹt make the last test, but you know sheʹll help if you ask her to. Sheʹs still on the Council, and there are others you can rely on. We just have to find them. I believe in you.ʺ

  Lissa sighed and looked down, her hair hanging forward in a curtain. ʺI know. And part of me is excited, like this will restore my familyʹs honor. I think thatʹs whatʹs saved me from a total breakdown. I didnʹt want to be queen, but if I have to . . . then Iʹm going to do it right. I feel like . . . like I have the world at my fingertips, like I can do so much good. But Iʹm so afraid of messing up too.ʺ She looked up sharply. ʺAnd Iʹm not giving up on the rest of my life either. I guess Iʹm going to be the first queen in college.ʺ

  ʺCool,ʺ I said. ʺYou can IM with the Council from campus. Maybe you can command people to do your homework.ʺ

  She apparently didnʹt think the joke was as funny as I did. ʺGoing back to my family. Rose . . . how long did you know about Jill?ʺ

  Damn. Iʹd known this part of the conversation would eventually be coming. I averted my eyes. ʺNot really that long. We didnʹt want to stress you until we knew it was real,ʺ I added hastily.

  ʺI canʹt believe . . .ʺ She shook her head. ʺI just canʹt believe it.ʺ

  I had to go on her tone, not the bond. It was so strange, like losing one of my key senses. Sight. Hearing. ʺAre you upset?ʺ

  ʺOf course I am! How can you be surprised?ʺ

  ʺI figured youʹd be happy . . .ʺ

  ʺHappy to find out my dad cheated on my mom? Happy to have a sister I hardly know? Iʹve tried to talk to her, but . . .ʺ Lissa sighed again. ʺItʹs so weird. Almost weirder than suddenly being queen. I donʹt know what to do. I donʹt know what to think of my father. And I sure as hell donʹt know what to do with her.ʺ

  ʺLove them both,ʺ I said softly. ʺTheyʹre your family. Jillʹs great, you know. Get to know her. Be excited.ʺ

  ʺI donʹt know if I can. I think youʹre more of a sister to me than sheʹll ever be.ʺ Lissa stared off at nothing. ʺAnd of all people . . . I was convinced for so long that there was something going on between her and Christian.ʺ

  ʺWell, out of all the worries in your world, thatʹs one you can let go because itʹs not true.ʺ But within her comment was something dark and sad. ʺHow is Christian?ʺ

  She turned back to me, her eyes full of pain. ʺHeʹs having a hard time. I am too. He visits her. Tasha. He hates what she did, but . . . well, sheʹs still his family. It hurts him, but he tries to hide it. You know how he is.ʺ

  ʺYeah.ʺ Christian had spent a good portion of his life masking dark feelings with snark and sarcasm. He was a pro at fooling others about how he truly felt.

  ʺI know heʹll be better in time . . . I just hope I can be there for him enough. So much is happening. College, being queen . . . and always, always, thereʹs spirit there, pressing down on me. Smothering me.ʺ

  Alarm shot through me. And panic. Panic over something far worse than not knowing what Lissa was feeling or where she was. Spirit. I was afraid of spirit—and the fact that I couldnʹt fight it for her. ʺThe darkness . . . I canʹt absorb it anymore. What will we do?ʺ

  A twisted smile crossed her lips. ʺYou mean, what will I do. Itʹs my problem now, Rose. Like it always should have been.ʺ

  ʺBut, no . . . you canʹt. St. Vladimir—ʺ

  ʺIsnʹt me. And you can protect me from some things but not all.ʺ

  I shook my head. ʺNo, no. I canʹt let you face spirit alone.ʺ

  ʺIʹm not exactly alone. I talked to Sonya. Sheʹs really good at healing charms and thinks thereʹs a way to keep myself in balance.ʺ

  ʺOksana said the same thing,ʺ I recalled, feeling hardly reassured.

  ʺAnd . . . thereʹs always the antidepressants. I donʹt like them, but Iʹm queen now. I have responsibilities. Iʹll do what I have to. A queen gives up everything, right?ʺ

  ʺI guess.ʺ I couldnʹt help feeling frightened. Useless. ʺIʹm just so worried about you, and I donʹt know how to help you anymore.ʺ

  ʺI told you: you donʹt have to. Iʹll protect my mind. Your jobʹs to protect my body, right? And Dimitri will be around too. Itʹll all be okay.ʺ

  The conversation with Dimitri came back to me. Who were you going for? Me or her?

  I gave her the best smile I could. ʺYeah. Itʹll all be okay.ʺ

  Her hand squeezed mine. ʺIʹm so glad youʹre back, Rose. Youʹll always be part of me, no matter what. And honestly . . . Iʹm kind of glad you canʹt see my sex life anymore.ʺ

  ʺThat m
akes two of us.ʺ I laughed. No bond. No magical attachment. It was going to be so strange, but really . . . did I need it? In real life, people formed bonds of another nature. Bonds of love and loyalty. We would get through this. ʺIʹll always be there for you, you know. Anything you need.ʺ

  ʺI know,ʺ she said. ʺAnd actually . . . I need you for something now . . .ʺ

  ʺName it,ʺ I said.

  She did.

  THIRTY-FIVE

  I WISHED LISSA HAD ʺneededʺ me to go take out an army of Strigoi. I would have felt more comfortable with that than what she needed to do now: meet with Jill to discuss the coronation. Lissa wanted me there for support, as a kind of go-between. I wasnʹt able to walk that well yet, so we waited another day. Lissa seemed glad for the delay.

  Jill was waiting for us in a small room Iʹd never expected to see again: the parlor where Tatiana had berated me for moving in on Adrian. It had been a pretty bizarre experience at the time, seeing as Adrian and I hadnʹt actually been involved back then. Now, after everything that had occurred between him and me, it just felt . . . strange. Confusing. I still didnʹt know what had happened to him since Tashaʹs arrest.

  Walking in there, I also felt terribly . . . alone. No, not alone. Uninformed. Vulnerable. Jill sat in a chair, her hands folded in her lap. She stared straight ahead with an unreadable face. Beside me, Lissaʹs own features were equally blank. She felt . . . well, that was the thing. I didnʹt know. I didnʹt know. I mean, I could tell she was uncomfortable, but there were no thoughts in my head to tip me off. I had no specifics. Again, I reminded myself that the rest of the world worked like this. You functioned alone. You did your best to manage strange situations without the magical insight of another person. Iʹd never realized how much Iʹd taken the thoughts of even just one other person for granted.

  The one thing I felt sure of was that both Lissa and Jill were freaked out by each other—but not by me. That was why I was here.

  ʺHey, Jill,ʺ I said, smiling. ʺHow are you?ʺ

  She snapped out of whatever thoughts had been occupying her and jumped up from the chair. I thought that was strange, but then it made sense. Lissa. You rose when a queen entered the room.