In some ways, this was the beginning of my journey toward greater mindfulness.
The Problem Is You
As upsetting as this incident was, however, for both my mother and me, I learned an important lesson: I was the problem. My reaction was the problem.
I spend an inordinate amount of time with my mother. Not only are we on the show together, but she is my manager. The truth is, sometimes I still speak to her in a harsh and unpleasant manner. After seeing those episodes, I tried to change my ways, to soften my exchanges with her, and I’d like to think I’ve had some success. I’m not there yet, but I’m trying, and I’m going to keep trying till I get it right.
If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.
—Maya Angelou
I believe that what we put out in the world—our energy, our treatment of others, our work—is hugely important and has real effect. I also think that many of us aren’t sufficiently aware of the way we behave with other people. I was lucky because the camera showed me something about myself that I desperately needed to address, and I’ve been working on it ever since.
Now I smile more often. I’m friendlier and more open. I take the time to notice little changes in the people around me: I tell them I like their hair or their new shoes or their beautiful smile. It really boils down to kindness, and one of the things I’ve learned about kindness is that it helps me as much as (maybe more than) it benefits the person I am kind to. When I’m kind, I feel good about myself. And I like to feel good about myself, so I try to practice kindness every day. Being kind is transformative: It affects everything that follows the act of kindness, and generally for the better!
Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I’m a total bitch. But I do my best to catch myself and get back on the kindness track. And like everything else in life, it takes practice. But it’s not that hard. Really! You just need to become aware of how you treat other people. If you’re not putting positive energy into the world, you’re doing something wrong.
I was at a restaurant recently with a group of friends, and our waitress was so upbeat and happy that she put all of us into a great mood. So I’m not talking only about the way you treat your friends, but about the way you approach everyone. Even a simple smile can change the course of someone’s day for the better. I want to be known for putting people in a good mood. I know I’m not always going to succeed—sometimes I get caught up in my own shit—but I am certainly going to try.
Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, “What are you doing for others?”
—Martin Luther King Jr.
The Power of Kindness
A small act of kindness has terrific power. And if you do it often enough, it becomes second nature. You’re working your kindness muscle. You’re getting strong in ways you never even imagined.
When I was a kid, the whole family would be at the dinner table, and my father would always try to get us to talk about our day. Since he didn’t really know my classmates and could seldom keep their names straight anyway, I would describe them through their looks. If I described a friend as “the brunette girl,” that was fine with him. But if I spoke of “the girl with acne” or “the overweight girl,” it would bother him. “Is that really the best way to describe her?” he would say.
He made me aware of the way I viewed other people. If it didn’t come from a kind place, he wanted me to address that. It is easy to describe people through their flaws or imperfections, but my father taught me to try to find the positive in those around me. From him, I learned that you can find something to like in almost everyone, and that the right way to live is to focus on the good in people.
“What’s another way to describe her?” he would say.
And I would say, “Well, she tells very funny stories.”
And my father would say, “That’s good. Now I’ll always remember her as the girl who tells funny stories.”
This lesson has stayed with me throughout my life: If you look for something positive in people, you will find it. And while it’s human nature to judge others, you can teach yourself to judge from a place of generosity. Everyone struggles. Everyone has issues. Everyone is trying to figure out this business of living. If you look at it that way, it’s easier to cut people a break when they behave badly.
Every day before work, my father would read the Bible, and he would often jot down the verses that spoke to him in a profound way. He would write the verses in his own hand on a three-by-five card; eventually he created a collection of cards, which piled up in a drawer. Some years ago, my sisters and I were brainstorming about what to get our brother, Rob, for his birthday, and we ended up creating this beautiful plaque filled with my father’s handwritten quotes from the Bible. I know Rob was really moved by the gift, and he cherishes it to this day.
Another reminder of the power of kindness came from a friend of mine whose father used to leave a Post-it Note on the inside of his lunch pail every day. My friend would go to school and open his lunch pail, and he would find a short inspirational message from his father. This brightened his day every single time. Many years later, long after the practice had ended, his father passed away, and I wanted to do something nice for him. One afternoon I sat down with a bunch of Post-it Notes and I wrote dozens of inspirational quotes to try to help him deal with his loss. Then I put them in a little gift box and mailed them to him. When he called to thank me, he was in tears. He said it was the most thoughtful gift he had ever received. This was an eye-opening experience for me. I never imagined that my small act would have such a profound effect on him. Actually, it had a profound effect on both of us, because it taught me that even a tiny kindness can have the impact of a tidal wave.
Kindness tends to be infectious. When you show kindness, you inspire it in others. You pay it forward and fan the flames, and a small act of kindness suddenly takes on a life of its own. If you reach the checkout line at the grocery store at the same time as another person, let that individual go first. If you are driving along in rush-hour traffic and another driver is trying to merge in, slow down and let that other car in. That tiny act of kindness might make that person’s day, leading him to share that positive energy with others. Think of the ripple effect! A dozen, maybe even a hundred people, all having a better day because you let a complete stranger get into the checkout line before you. That’s what people mean when they say kindness is its own reward.
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
—Mark Twain
There’s one more story I’d like to share about my father. One day when I was about twelve or thirteen, we were driving along Ventura Boulevard and saw a homeless man huddled in a store doorway. My father stopped the car, opened the trunk, and walked over with a blanket and a pair of shoes. He had a brief exchange with the man, who looked very appreciative, then got back into the car. “Wow,” I said, “it’s lucky you had that blanket and your old shoes in the trunk of your car. That homeless man looked very pleased.”
And my father said, “It wasn’t luck. I always keep blankets and my old shoes and used clothing in the trunk of my car, because I know there will be plenty of opportunities to share with people who have less than we do.”
I remember I almost wept, but it came from a place of joy. I felt incredibly lucky to have a father who never forgot to count his blessings and who was so considerate of others. I remember thinking, and it’s something I think to this day, “If there were more people like my father, the world would be a much nicer place.”
Compassion
Compassion is kindness taken to another level. For me, compassion is about being sensitive enough to know that everyone struggles and that you shouldn’t stand in judgment. When you work at being uncritical, people respond in a different way. They sense your spiritual generosity.
Everyone is flawed, even you! We are all perfectly imperfect, and people will love you despite—or even because of!—those imperfe
ctions. Learn to accept the imperfections. Give people a break and concentrate on your own issues; work every day at becoming a better version of the person you are today.
It hurts to be criticized, as everyone knows from personal experience. For example, I’m not one of those girls who shows a lot of skin, whether on the dance floor or at the beach, and I get criticized about it for all the wrong reasons. Somebody will say that I must not like my body. Or they’ll assume that I’m keeping myself covered up because all of my hard work in the gym hasn’t yet resulted in six-pack abs. And it’s total bullshit, but it can still be hurtful. (Then again, I don’t know why I let it hurt me, so I’m working on that.) And I guess I shouldn’t complain, because experiencing how thoughtless people can be with their comments and criticism has made me more thoughtful. I learn a great deal from my own mistakes, but I learn just as much from watching other people make mistakes.
Still, you’re not going to get away from criticism. Everyone gets criticized. Heck, Mother Teresa got criticized. And even Jesus got criticized for hanging out with lepers and prostitutes. As Aristotle said, “Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” If you don’t want to be criticized, you pretty much have to stop living.
Another form of compassion is to stop taking everything so personally. You never really know what’s going on inside other people. When they behave badly, you need to understand that it probably has very little to do with you. They’re dealing with their own shit and clearly not handling it well, and you shouldn’t personalize it. It’s not about you; it’s about them. If you accept that, you’ll be less reactive. And when you’re less reactive you make room in your heart for compassion. Remember, be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
Caitlyn Breaks Her Silence
I actually have a story that speaks to this very issue. It’s about my stepdad, Bruce, who not that long ago, for months on end, was stuck in a terrible rut. He had turned into a total Debbie Downer. I remember thinking, How the hell is he a motivational speaker? He’s always in a shitty mood. Then we found out that he was transitioning, and suddenly his moodiness made perfect sense. Kourtney’s partner, Scott, said something that was funny and moving at the same time. “Now I know why you’ve been such a dick for so many years. Because you’ve been keeping this to yourself and it’s been killing you.”
To be honest, I was upset that Bruce hadn’t told us about it sooner. And many months later, when Bruce was interviewed by Diane Sawyer, I was even more upset. There were so many things he didn’t share with us, things we found out that night, along with 16.9 million other Americans, and that hurt. We were family. Didn’t we have a right to know?
In fact, when the Diane Sawyer interview aired, we all gathered at my mother’s house to watch it, and I was truly astonished by some of the things I heard. There were so many intimate details he shared with Diane Sawyer, and with the world, that I felt betrayed. He had been a part of my life for twenty-six years, and I thought I deserved more.
On the other hand, it dawned on me that we never fully know other people, even the ones closest to us, and that we often make assumptions or pass judgment based on erroneous information or half-truths. Remember: Hurt people tend to hurt people.
That said, I was guilty of doing the same thing with Bruce. I had lost my father, and now I was losing Bruce. Bruce wanted to be a woman and I could only imagine the battle raging inside his soul. My heart went out to him. But, I saw the transformation as a huge loss.
In some ways I felt the worst part was that other people had known about the transition before we did. I felt devalued by that fact. Bruce had been working behind the scenes with Diane Sawyer and her crew, and he had even been in negotiation with E! about doing his own show, but most of the members of his own family had been kept in the dark. That hurt, and it still hurt when Bruce explained it to me. “Sometimes it’s easier to talk about something like this with a complete stranger than it is to share it with your own family,” he said.
Oddly enough, we ended up doing a special about the way we handled the news. After we filmed it, I knew that people were never going to understand my reaction. I was still upset and angry. I had not had time to process the news. And even before I saw the footage, I knew I was going to come across as hostile and unpleasant.
Later, however, I was truly happy for Bruce. If this is what he wanted, who was I to tell him he was wrong? He wasn’t grumpy anymore, that’s for sure! He seemed relieved and genuinely happy. He was about to begin the next chapter of his very unusual life, and it was clear he was excited about it. Caitlyn was finally free! But at the time the show aired, I was still hurting inside. I was losing Bruce, my stepfather. He was becoming another person. And I felt he hadn’t given me enough time to say good-bye. Did I blame him? Did I think he’d been unfair? For about a minute, yes. But then I remembered more wise words from Richard Carlson in Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff . . . : “One of the mistakes many of us make is that we feel sorry for ourselves, or for others, thinking that life should be fair, or that someday it will be. It’s not and it won’t. When we make this mistake we tend to spend a lot of time wallowing and/or complaining about what’s wrong with life. . . . ‘It’s not fair,’ we complain, not realizing that, perhaps, it was never intended to be.”
When the family special aired, it was all there, in my words and in my eyes. The pain and anger and hostility. When I get emotional, I get very emotional, and maybe I was too passionate and too vocal, but it was real; it was what I felt. It was my truth without the benefit of distance; it was truth unedited.
I want people to understand. This was not about Bruce transitioning into a woman; it was his decision and he had been struggling with it for a long time and I was happy that he had found the answer. It was about my own loss; it was about the pain I felt because he was walking out of our lives.
Later Bruce was completely open with us about everything. He was relieved that he could finally tell us and that he didn’t have to keep the secret to himself. But even then he had to do it in front of the camera crew and the producers and all sorts of people, because they provided a sort of safety net for him simply by being there. It’s like if you’re breaking up with someone it’s easier to do it in a restaurant because there’s less likelihood that he or she will make a scene in public.
But the message from Bruce was loud and clear. He basically said, “I am sixty-five years old. If tomorrow I was diagnosed with cancer and told I would not have time to transition, I would regret it for the remainder of my short life. It really means that much to me, and I ask for your support because I am going through with it.”
There are two reasons I’m sharing this story. One is to illustrate the fact that you never really know other people and therefore you should never stand in judgment. And the other goes back to something that I touched on earlier, about the importance of controlling your response to even the most challenging situations. I don’t think I responded badly to Bruce’s transformation, because I was deeply hurt, but I do think I was wrong to let my anger get the better of me, and for that I am genuinely sorry.
Plus the anger didn’t do anyone any good. Quite the contrary. Somebody once said that being angry is like holding a hot coal in your hand, and that’s absolutely right. When you hold on to anger, the only person you’re burning is yourself.
I got caught up in the emotion. It happens to all of us, and there will be times when it happens to me again. But I processed my feelings and got through it, and when I came out on the other side, I did so with a stronger, more understanding heart. And really, when you think about it, that’s not a bad result.
Also, the experience made me think about something that had happened many years earlier, when my father was dying. One day, while he was in the midst of saying his good-byes, he sent for Bruce. Bruce went to see him, and my father told him, “I feel very comfortable leaving my kids with you. You have been a terrific second father to them. I
t gives me comfort knowing that they are in such good hands. Promise me you will always take good care of them.” Afterward, he told us kids how much he appreciated Bruce. “You have a stepdad who really loves you and treats you as if you were his own. I just want to make sure you appreciate it and that you keep him in your prayers.”
I still get choked up when I think about that. Even on his deathbed, my father was doing his best to offer us a little guidance in this uncertain world.
Nowadays, whenever I’m with Caitlyn, there are times when I feel like crying with happiness. She’s free. Never in my life have I been witness to such a monumental transformation. Caitlyn has been released from a prison not of her own making. In her mind, for years now, she’s been saying, “I’m not this person. I don’t want to be this person. I know I have the soul of a woman.” And to me that level of self-acceptance is a truly beautiful thing. It is the ultimate source of strength. It’s as if Caitlyn finally said, “I need to be who I want to be, and I have to be honest, and I just hope that other people will accept me.”
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