Unsurprisingly Complicated

by Claudia Burgoa

  “I thought things have progressed,” I say looking around my room. “Our relationship is evolving.”

  “You’ve taken it further than I intended,” he tells me, engrossed with the task of packing.

  “Me? We both did.” Didn’t we? I am trying to find fault in my actions for this new development, but I can’t find any. “Your entire wardrobe is here. I never told you to bring it over.” I point at my closet. My pumps, sandals, boots, and miscellaneous shoes share their space with all kinds of industrial boots, running shoes and a pair of dress shoes. “It’s like you moved in and I didn’t know, but it happened naturally, nothing forced.”

  “No, there’s still shit at my place.”

  I can’t help but laugh, not sure if it’s the nerves of not knowing what exactly is going on or the fact that he has a new place. “Are you going on a trip, Mase?”

  “No, I’m taking my shit back where it belongs.” His harsh words make my heart twinge. “This being here is giving you the wrong idea. I know it gave my mother the notion that you and I are serious.”

  “Mase!” The strangled sound of his name is due to the knot constricted in my throat. I rub my hands on my jeans, grounding myself, and try to understand what is going on. One day we’re happy playing a game, the next he’s withdrawing from me and vanishing. “The last time I checked, we were in a committed relationship. Weren’t we?” For the love of God, what happened?

  He stops the task of packing and turns to face me, giving me his attention for the first time since he stepped into my room. “Not that committed. Sorry, Ainsley.” He goes back to scanning the room. “We said no expectations, live the moment and have fun. I never intended to give you that idea, and you are already throwing words at me that I can’t reciprocate.” His eyes flinch, but recover fast. “You barely finished your fucked up relationship with Porter and suddenly you’re saying things we both know you don’t mean. The thing is, AJ, I’m fucking tired of picking you up each time you fall.”

  After hearing all that fucking crap, I’m fueled by rage. Picking me up… in love with Porter?

  “Things?” I shriek. “What kind of things did I say, that according to you, I don’t mean?”

  “That you love me,” he whispers. “Like you never loved…” He doesn’t finish.

  Can someone stop squeezing my tummy? I have enough with the kicks my heart is receiving. ‘Not only love, love like I’ve never loved anyone before,’ I remember telling him a few times.

  “Porter and I broke up years ago,” I raise my voice. This man in front of me isn’t Mason; this one is an asshole who is looking to hurt me so bad I’ll bleed for the rest of my life and never recover. No one is allowed to do that, not even him. “I know what I feel, Mason. You don’t get to dictate what I should or shouldn’t feel.”

  Months ago this would’ve killed me, but today I have it under control. Multitasking, as I keep breathing, reminding myself not to hurt him with my words. Keeping my calm, I take charge of my feelings. “I won’t lie, Mason,” I confess the only thing I really hoped for while together. “I honestly believed that you’d learn to love me if I loved you. That you’d learn to let others love you and to let yourself love. Congratulations, your heart is safe from feelings and messy situations.”

  He stops and gives me an annoyed glare. “Look, AJ, my life is too complicated to continue with you.” I gasp at that name; he keeps calling me that, which he has never done in his life. “We’re about to sign a few contracts and I need to focus on me and what I want out of life. If I’m lucky, I’ll be gone for about a year. I hate to be in one place. I suffocate, you suffocate me.”

  A few deep breaths later, I finally find my footing. “All those nights I wrote songs about our love story, and you were searching for a way to escape, to write your own adventures.” I stare into those grayish eyes. Whatever happened when his mother came to town created this. That morning two weeks ago my heart warned me that everything was about to crumble, but I decided to believe in small miracles.

  “After Porter, I tried to keep myself safe.” A wave of sadness hits me, and the rush of tears threaten to slide down my cheeks. “I guarded my heart with a coat of ice to avoid another heartbreak. You melted it and now you’re telling me to fuck off?”

  Toby enters the room purring and jumps onto the bed, curling himself next to my pillow. At least I still have him. As I move my gaze back to Mason, I see him stare at the kitty he gave me, or maybe he’s just looking at the bed. I’d pay good money to know what he’s thinking and why he is doing this. Those promises of never hurting me, staying friends is broken.

  “Don’t take it that way.” Mase’s gaze locks with mine, he throws the duffle bag and puts his hands in his pockets. “We can slow things down, take away the intensity. The expectations.”

  The expectations? This entire conversation reminds me of Ryker, the married scumbag who had me as a side dish while the main plate worked. “You want me to be your fuck buddy?” I shout. “A booty call at your beck and call. Is that what I am to you, a good romp between the sheets?”

  He opens his mouth, closes it, and lets out a huge exhale, somehow giving me an apologetic look as he shakes his head.

  “I’m sorry,” I utter. “I have to break my promise, you also lost me as a friend.”

  Some tears make it through as I realize I won’t be able to call my friend Mase about my latest break up and how much it stings. More than it did with Porter. “I can’t stomach seeing you pile your shit as you escape us,” I tell him. I head toward the door, come to a halt, and without looking at him, say, “I know you felt something for me. I just wish I knew why you worked so hard to asphyxiate it. I’ll be next door. Text me when you leave, please.”

  “AJ,” he calls after me, anguish attached to those letters.

  “Nine!” I spin around shouting the name at him. “The name is Nine, Ainse, Janine. You never call me AJ. What was it, Mason?” Now I’m furious, or I’m becoming angry to cover the excruciating pain that this is causing me. “You found another girl?” I demand to know. “God, I’m such an idiot. But you know what, you won’t bring me down. This will hurt, but I won’t shut down. I’ll keep taking my chances at these—at life and love. Because everyone has a tale, a happy beginning with a love story attached to it.”

  My blurry vision clears as I reach my parent’s home. They are out of town. Like the grown woman that I am, I’ve decided this isn’t worth interrupting anyone. I’ll ride the wave for a few months until the pain subsides. My only hopes are that Mason hurries gathering his shit and leaves my life. I wish I could regret loving him, but I don’t. Those months I spent with him were the best of my life, so far. A great start to a happy, healthy, mature life with grown up relationships. This real world thing sucks, too, but I’ll survive it.

  I fall asleep in my parents bed, and when my cell phone buzzes it’s dark outside.

  Mase: I’m out.

  Mase: I want you to know that there’s no other girl, I wish things were different.

  J-9: Thank you for everything, for all those years by my side. I’m going to miss you.

  J-9: For scientific purposes, what did I do wrong?

  Mase: Nothing, you’re perfect. One day you’ll make someone happy. That’s not me. I can’t risk any more of myself and end up like my father. Sorry.

  Risk? That sounds… stupid. He screwed everything up because I’m perfect and doesn’t want to take a risk? I’m not perfect and he isn’t his dad. His parents, his fear of not believing, all those experiences in his life affected him. They now affected me, too.

  J-9: I’m glad you called this off, then. It sucks to know I was the only one in this relationship. Next time, give it a try. Something wonderful might happen to you. Loving someone is one of the best thrills you can experience in this lifetime.

  Mase: Sorry.

  J-9: That’s okay, a part of me will always love you. Not only as a friend, but as a man, and you can’t change that. I wish you luck.

&nb
sp; Papi enters the house. He called me only a few minutes ago to let me know that he and Dad are leaving for Santa Barbara. He said that Dad’s on the phone finalizing some contracts with the executives of his company, and he wanted to come and talk to me before leaving.

  “You’ll be okay?” The fatherly concern is at an all-time high with these two men.

  “Yes, of course, I will. Why would you doubt that, Papi?”

  He shrugs and takes a seat. Toby jumps right into his lap and curls up. My parents love my cat; they even told me that whenever I needed a cat sitter, they would do so happily. Not that I would be traveling anytime soon.

  “Want to talk about the breakup?”

  Not particularly. I told them everything already. From the moment that Mina texted to the mysterious disappearance and the final goodbye. According to him, I wanted a lifetime subscription to Better Homes and Gardens while he wanted a few issues of Playboy.

  “I’m a foolish woman, Papi. Believing I could change a man with my love.” My arms tingle just thinking about the cruel reality. “Mase couldn’t reciprocate my feelings. He thought I was already imagining the next step. Not that I was asking for any more than we had, but he assumed.”

  “That boy is an idiot,” Chris shakes his head. “Not that I’m someone who can talk. I don’t blame him. It is scary to fall in love when you’ve never experienced it, Ainse. I almost fucked my entire life due to that fear.”

  That last sentence freezes my limbs. Without breaking the figurine I hold, I look at him waiting for more.

  “It becomes real and so fucking scary that you run away.” Well, Mason may or may not be in that boat, but he’s gone. “You run far without thinking that you’ll hurt the person you love the most.”

  As far as we know, the only person Chris has loved is… “Dad?”

  He bobs his head a couple of times as his lips press into a thin line. “I guarantee you that we fell in love way before either one noticed.” Toby purrs while Chris continues his small trip down memory lane without stopping his caresses. “Before we had sex. I’m not kidding here. Never before did I care where I slept, or about anyone around me. After he moved in with me, being at home became essential—being with him.”

  He watches me. His chin goes up as his lips stretch as wide as they allow it. “When you fall in love, your life changes. Gabe flipped my world.” Chris is lost in that haze of the past. “Your life orbits around each other, but the moment you stop and realize what’s happening, you run away. Gabe only learned this after we reconciled months ago, Ainse—that I loved him for longer than he thought. Longer than he loved me. I suppressed everything because I had no idea what I had in my hands.”

  It’s like my parent’s story will never end; every time something huge happens, there’s a new addition to the book they wrote. Chris tells me that during the last tour of Dreadful Souls, Gabe and he had threesomes with some lucky girl each night. They were wild. One night the girl left, and they stayed in the same bed—they were too tired.

  “Waking up in each other’s arms completed my life.” Chris is lost in his own story. “I watched him for hours. This was the first person I wanted to do anything for. Take a bullet, make him smile. You name it, I’d do it for Gabe. But it hit me. I couldn’t do it because I wasn’t like him or into guys. I had never been happy or had a family that cared for me. Then he takes me to your grandparents and less than two weeks after, I disappeared from his life. He deserved happy, a happiness I wasn’t able or wanting to give him.”

  “You make Dad happy,” I remind him. “How could you think…?”

  “I was an idiot, but I came around,” Papi interrupts me. “Mason will too, be patient. His parents scared him shitless. I was witness to some of it. They always fought in front of him.”

  His story is touching. My parent’s magical love is forever the best I’ve ever known and that I may ever know. The one-sided love I have for Mason is huge. An unexpected feeling that, unsurprisingly, complicated my life and yet filled it with joy. But I know what I saw. The unloving eyes, the regretful stare that he had lead me into something that would never become real. My friend knew he hurt me, and though he regretted it, he couldn’t do anything to take away the pain.

  “Out of all your children,” I tell him. “I’m the one who believes the most in happy endings, fairy tales, and the impossible dream. It might be a combination of being a girl, and that JC suffered too much years ago, and MJ was too close to JC to want to go through that shit. Either way, I believe that Mason was only a chapter—like Porter.”

  “If that is what will help you hurt less, I respect it.”

  Dad opens the door. He looks from Papi to me and then checks his watch before looking at us again.

  “Babe, you said only five minutes.” He points at the grandfather clock in front of us. “We have to go, Chris.”

  “Can we take her with us?” Papi asks. “She’s kind of cute.”

  “Adorable,” Dad responds. “My favorite of the three, but that’s mostly because she has your eyes. Though we can’t bring her with us; our baby girl is no longer a little kid. In fact, she’s an independent woman who is currently busy with her own life.”

  “If your sons hear that…”

  “I’ll brush them off, sweetheart. You’re their favorite, too,” Gabe answers. “For the last time, and be honest, are you sure that you are okay?”

  I nod. As soon as I told them Mason and I broke up, they rushed home to check on me. They pampered me last night, and sadly they had to head back to their own busy life today.

  “Call if you need us, please,” he implores. “At any time.”

  I head to where he stands and hug him, then hug Papi and usher them outside my house before they run into an accident because they can’t make it on time.

  As for me, I close the Mason chapter and am ready for the next adventure. Re-reading is so yesterday.

  “I see that it’s true.” Donna, Wings’ wife, shakes her head after looking around me, as if searching for my plus one. “Landon told me, but I didn’t want to believe him. We all liked her, Bradley.”

  “Let it go, babe,” Wings stops her from saying whatever she planned.

  Karen Kowalski already gave me a lecture about my breakup. This is the main reason I didn’t want to come to Donna’s party. My friends loved Ainse. After our break up, when they helped me move the cars and tools from her house, they both called me a prime asshole and an idiot.

  “How could you lose her—the perfect girl for the geek?” Kowalski slapped the back of my head. “No other woman will measure up to her.”

  “Meghan doesn’t even come close,” Wings agreed with Kowalski. “And you proposed to that bitch.”

  No one ever said that about Meghan, a girl who they hung out with longer than they did with Ainse. Wings, Donna, and I have known each other since high school. Donna and I found each other again in college. In fact, Donna introduced me to Meghan and remains an acquaintance of hers because of work.

  “We like Ainse more than we do you,” Wings adds. “Can we pick sides?”

  Asshole. “Did you forget who you work for?” I remind him.

  Ignoring the comments about Nine, I pull Donna’s present from the inside pocket of my blazer, the present Nine couriered to me today.

  I bought this for Donna’s birthday as we agreed. Kindly give it to her.

  AJ Colthurst-Decker

  AJ. She signed the most impersonal note. It wasn’t Ainsley, Ainse or Nine.

  “A present, for me?” Donna pulls the satin red ribbon and opens the rectangle box, smiling at a pair of earrings in the shape of a clef note. Ainse owns a pair; she bought them at some online store that sells handmade crafts. Donna loved them, but Ainse never gave her the information on where to get them. Now I understand why.

  “Oh my God, she also bought the pendant to go with it.” Donna hands the box to Wings and punches me on the arm. “She’s perfect, damn you. Idiot.”

  It’s going to take longer
for my friends to get over my girl than it will take me. I have plenty of work to keep my mind occupied. There are pending projects in my queue, it’s only a matter of time for me to reenter my old life. Staying at a hotel is temporary, the cot in my office is long gone. The rest of my shit is in storage, like me without a place to belong. A temporary fix; soon I’ll call the contractor and have him rebuild that old room again. The servers can go into another area.

  “Mind if I call her?” An unanticipated request from Donna.

  “It’s not like you care.” I shrug it off. “You never asked about Meghan and we were engaged.”

  “Yeah, but Meghan had been my friend first, and you didn’t love her,” Donna implies the same thing everyone else has so far. That I loved Ainse. As I open my mouth, she speaks. “Don’t say it, don’t deny it. That reminds me, she might come tonight.”

  “Who?” My heartbeat speeds up in anticipation.

  “Meghan.”

  I groan and check my watch. Ten to seven, I’m not hungry or in the mood to meet and greet, especially the ex.

  “She’s in town and heard about the party,” Donna explains. “What was I supposed to do? We work for the same company.”

  I shake my head. I shake Wings’ hand, then hug Donna and wish her a Happy Birthday. The only ex I’d like to see is unreachable. But things don’t go the way I plan. Right as I approach the door, I spot her. Dark hair, tall, and slim. Slimmer than I remember. The black dress she wears defines the angles of her body. Angles, not soft curves. Her dark eyes spot me and her lips draw a big smile. She waves at me pleasantly as I pass through without stopping. Another surprising reaction—I expected a scowl. We ended things in a bad way. She hated me for wasting her time and not caring enough to be with her. Care. I see the differences between her and Ainse. One wanted a house, status, a husband with some fancy job and didn’t care about our mutual feelings. The other only wanted one thing—to love and be loved.