A Kind of Vanishing

by Lesley Thomson

  The two girls hoisted markers that, besides their material worth, set important basic cornerstones. Both of them were seasoned experts at judging the social implications of owning three Sindy dolls with full wardrobe, versus a scratched pick-up truck complete with a winding handle and a dirty length of string which could lift cars right up into the air. Alice led the way on primary facts, rapping out questions and nodding with pursed lips at Eleanor’s garbled answers, or providing the answers herself while Eleanor cast about for a hilarious response.

  Alice had smaller feet than Eleanor, which she declared an advantage for ballet. She had just won a prize at school, presented only yesterday, for her dance to ‘Up, Up and Away in my Beautiful Balloon’. Eleanor knew that things were beyond hope when Alice began swooping around the doll’s house singing in a high-pitched reedy voice. She was especially unsettled, but dared not look away as Alice did a circle with her hands above her head for the balloon. There was more: last year Alice had received nine commendations for tidiness and clean hands. (Eleanor’s school did not give commendations.) Alice had been presented with her Sindy dolls on her eighth birthday, three months and three days before Eleanor’s birthday, which that year Isabel had forgotten. Eleanor announced that all dolls were sissy and that she preferred cars. She did not tell Alice that Gina had a Sindy doll with a cracked tummy from where Eleanor had bicycled over it by accident. Gina would be cross to be mentioned at all. All Eleanor’s cars had names, and were boys or girls with ever-changing relationships. Alice laughed at the names. Eleanor was incredulous as Alice assumed a starey-eyed expression and covering her mouth, sniggered through her fingers. This stopped Eleanor from telling her about the Citroën called Sophia who was married to the flat bed lorry called Desi, after Lucille Ball’s son, Desi Arnaz Junior. She had been bursting to tell Alice that Sophia’s family cut her off without a penny because Desi was half Cuban. It was so thrilling but she was confounded when she realised that Alice wouldn’t understand.

  Eleanor knew the difference between each day because of their colour and feeling. Monday was thick and yellow like cheese, which she didn’t like. Tuesday was orange with netball and piano lessons, which she sometimes enjoyed. Best of all was Friday: toffee flavoured and deep red with a story before home time. She would rest her head in her arms on the cool pencil-smelling desk, and listen to Miss Galliver. She wished Fridays would never end, and wondered what happened to Miss Galliver at the weekends. She didn’t say any of this to Alice.

  Alice liked yellow best except in sweets when she preferred strawberry. This was one thing they agreed on. Alice let Eleanor have a red Opal Fruit from an unopened packet as soon as they were upstairs, which gave Eleanor a burst of hope. After that it was always lime or lemon at the top when Alice reluctantly waved the sweets at her. Eleanor hated these two flavours but said yes to be friendly. When she suspected Alice of rearranging the sweets, she got the pain in her ribs like when her mother didn’t join them for supper.

  Alice pulled a face when she saw the doll’s house, insisting it was scruffy and dirty; but admitted she liked the green sofa. She wouldn’t help put back the furniture because everything should be washed and cleaned, or they would just be rearranging the dirt. Like a surveyor, she pointed out scratches all over the front of the house, and showed with the bat of a hand how the top of the porch was splintered, the dining room windowsill was hanging off, and with the prod of another finger, drew attention to a crack in the staircase. When Alice rubbed a window ledge, and thrust her finger under Eleanor’s nose, Eleanor nodded meekly at the grey fluff. She never thought about keeping things spotless. She got on with playing.

  After that, Eleanor had to answer Alice’s searching questions about Gina, whom Alice had seen at the stables. Alice said she wished Gina was her sister, and with a tired sigh, breathed that Gina was so-o-o very pretty. Eleanor decided that it was the way Alice popped a strawberry sweet in her mouth and screwed up the paper between fussy palms, that made everything she said true. She tried it after Alice had gone, exactly mimicking Alice putting a sweet between pouting lips, using a wrapper Alice had left in a neat ball on the window seat to round off the effect. Immediately Eleanor was Alice.

  ‘She looks so different to you. I can’t believe she’s your sister. She’s just like a princess. I heard one of the riding instructors say she will be a beautiful woman when she grows up.’

  Eleanor shrugged. She was revolted at the idea of Gina being any kind of woman. She was especially irked to hear that Gina had astounding poise on a horse and would be a famous equestrian one day. Alice pronounced each bit of the word ‘eck-wes-tree-an’ so that it took ages and put Eleanor off asking what it meant.

  Alice wouldn’t play with the doll’s house, nor would she touch the cars or be spies. There was no game that suited them both, so after a tour of the house they had ended up each end of the wide seat in one of the playroom windows, looking down on the garden through the metal bars. Eleanor leaned forward, drumming her heels against the seat. Alice sat up straight. They avoided looking at each other as they dissected the differing merits of their teachers, the children in their class, and compared school dinners and favourite pets. It was a lifetime later when Lizzie called out that Alice’s mother had come to take her home.

  Everyone said what a great success the visit had been, so Alice would just go home for lunch and come straight back afterwards. In fact it was decided that Eleanor would play with Alice every day. In those brief four and a half days Eleanor got to know every expression, every gesture: every little thing that made up Alice. Yet after Alice disappeared Eleanor didn’t give the police any clue as to where she might be, or think of anyone she might have gone off with. Eventually, to please them Eleanor had decided to let the policemen see two of her dens, knowing Alice would not be there.

  Eleanor didn’t tell the policeman he was wrong when he said she must miss her friend. Nor did she confess that she was relieved she no longer had to play with Alice. But she wanted to get the answers right because then he gave her sweets. She wanted him to be kind because he had a crack in his chin like the Senator. She didn’t admit that when she thought of Alice she got a pain in her ribs. Alice’s words hurt like the chunks of flint hidden at the Tide Mills that were sharp enough to cut up Crawford’s horsemeat:

  ‘I know a secret about you.’

  Alice had been sure she knew everything, but she was wrong about the secret.

  It had rained on the Saturday afternoon so, after their illicit trip to the Tide Mills that morning, the girls had ended up in the dining room, at the long oval table, doing pictures with oil pastels and the pencils that Eleanor loved because they went like paint when the ends were wetted. The mess created by the boxes of crayons emptied on the green baize tablecloth, the crumpled sheets of discarded efforts strewn around the chair legs, was at odds with the chilly formality of the room. Over the years Isabel had redecorated most of the White House but Mark had not allowed her to touch this room, presided over by the thickly daubed oil portrait of Judge Henry Ramsay.

  They had come close to their first argument during a debate about whether it was better to be deaf or blind, a subject brought up by Alice and on which she had, as usual, a firm opinion. Although later Eleanor couldn’t think what Alice had replied. She did remember that Alice had refused to answer when Eleanor asked if it was better to be alive or dead. Just as Eleanor had wondered if they could get away with being silent until it was time for Alice to go, she had spoken so quietly that Eleanor nearly didn’t hear:

  ‘I know a secret about your family.’

  ‘Secrets are stupid.’ Eleanor leaned closer to her picture: the Tide Mills from a small plane. She was the pilot, in goggles and a leather helmet.

  ‘I don’t care if you do.’ But she did care because she knew what the secret would be. It was what the secret always was and so really no secret at all. This time though, because she had been careful never to leave Alice on her own or with Gina, Eleanor had thought the sec
ret was safe.

  ‘Not all secrets are stupid. If this was my secret I would care.’ Alice had on her teacher’s voice: stern and disappointed. She pulled her bubble-gum pink cardigan tighter around herself, implying that, as well as dusty, the dining room was cold.

  ‘So what is it?’ Eleanor hadn’t meant to ask. She snatched up an orange crayon to make the sun as hot as possible, and busily colouring, she pressed too hard and snapped the crayon. She felt disloyal, but was unclear who or what she had let down.

  ‘Guess! I’m not going to make it easy.’ Alice hovered over her drawing of a stick girl with a bunch of flowers. She gripped the pencil like a dart. The figure took up one corner of the paper leaving an expanse of white space. Abruptly putting down her pencil, she sat back in the chair with folded arms. She was smiling with unblinking eyes. Later all Eleanor could think of was that when they had been out in the garden before the rain, Alice had refused to have a staring contest in case it was bad for her eyes. She hadn’t told the policeman this.

  Four days after this conversation, as Eleanor leaned over to dip into the policeman’s paper bag, feeling his fingers through the paper, she heard Alice’s voice and saw her face staring up from the sweets.

  ‘Wings off the table!’

  It was rude to slouch, she had hissed at Eleanor over lunch before their painting session, darting a look at Mark Ramsay, who had smiled back, which meant he liked her. Up until then Eleanor had been sure her Dad felt sorry for her for having to play with Alice. The shock of realising that along with everyone else, he too liked Alice had made her drop her fork on to the floor. As she reappeared above the line of the tablecloth, she caught the forbidding glare of Judge Henry reading her thoughts. That day Eleanor had realised that, contrary to family tradition, the Judge had no power at all. He could not stop anyone liking Alice.

  ‘Is it about Gina?’ Most things Alice talked about ended up with Gina. Eleanor considered it impossible that a secret about Gina would be interesting, but it might be useful.

  ‘No! Warm though.’ Alice picked up her pencil again and softly touched the rubber end with her tongue. Pink-red flesh whipped in and out. Alice always finished ice creams after Eleanor, taking small sippy licks to make them last. Her eyes would half close like Crawford’s when tucking into a lamb bone, content yet wary.

  ‘I give up.’ Eleanor purposefully gave the sun sharp fins: the heat was burning up the fields and evaporating the sea, and scorching the grass on the lawn. She picked light green and brown crayons, making the paper thick and slippery with colour. The rays of light fired like laser beams at the wings of her plane, as she soared into the distance beyond the horizon line, where the earth met the sky. Far away from Alice.

  ‘No. Guess! It’s really funny.’ Alice made the snuffly noise behind her cupped hands, glancing quickly at the closed dining room door. Eleanor looked too, hoping someone would come, even Gina would do. The house was quiet. Alice tucked her hands under her legs as if they might give her away, she wriggled with suppressed glee, making a show of forcing herself to look serious. Eleanor did not think any of Alice’s expressions were real. Alice was always being someone else. She wanted to tell the policeman with the crack in his chin that Alice had pretended all of it. This pretence was odd because Alice wouldn’t play spies or spacemen, saying they were not real.

  ‘If it’s about my Dad breaking the club house window with the cricket ball, I know, I was there.’ Relief made Eleanor exhilarated. It would be all right. ‘He doesn’t care, a cheque will sort it, I heard him telling my Mum.’

  ‘Cold again! We were all there, how could that be a secret?’

  Later Eleanor remembered birds’ wings rushing by her ears and then complete stillness before she heard Alice’s voice down a long pipe:

  ‘It’s about your Mum!’ Alice pulled a face pretending the words had slipped out by accident and clapped her hands to scare them off. She leaned on her elbows, resting her witchy chin in her hands, watching Eleanor, with the Judge behind her left shoulder. The table creaked under her weight.

  ‘It’s stopped raining.’ Eleanor began shovelling up the crayons. Gina was upstairs with Lizzie, she could hear their voices and footsteps through the ceiling. Her father was working in his study and Lucian had gone fishing. Her Mum was in her bedroom lying down.

  ‘Don’t you want to know what it is?’ Alice snatched up her own drawing and screwed it up, tossing the paper ball back and forth in her hands.

  ‘I said I don’t care.’

  The crayoned sun stung her cheeks, yet her body was crammed with ice, aching cold spreading into her legs. She couldn’t move.

  ‘I’m not letting you go until you answer the question.’ Alice rose up from the table. She threw off her cardigan and grasping a wooden ruler, sidled towards the door.

  ‘If it’s a secret, that’s the thing.’ Eleanor was briefly pleased with herself. Originally she had planned to draw a metal frame around the picture to make the edges of the aeroplane window. But now she had packed the grey away. She must not be scared. Outside a watery sun lifted the greenish light of the storm.

  ‘We can go out in the garden now. Or, if you want, you can go home.’

  ‘So is it true? You must know.’

  ‘What do I know?’

  ‘Your Mum tried to kill herself by eating cheese with her medicine!’ Alice made a shrill noise and still she paced in front of the closed dining room door, smacking the ruler across her palm in time to her words: ‘Is it true?’

  Slap. Slap. Slap.

  ‘What do you mean?’ Eleanor made the question part of a hearty guffaw. She went on packing up the crayons, drawing out the activity. Light colours at the left, getting darker to the right. Black at the end. Where was the black? She shoved the paper around, and lifted the heavy baize cloth. She must find it, or someone would tread on it and blame her.

  ‘Is it true that your mother would be dead now except Doctor Ramsay saved her life by pumping out the inside of her stomach?’

  ‘No!’ Eleanor slammed shut the lid on the crayons and tried to get up, but sank down. She couldn’t leave. ‘That’s stupid. You can’t die from cheese. We had some for lunch.’

  ‘Well, that’s what my Mum said and she’s not stupid.’ Alice bit back tears.

  ‘She was wrong.’ Eleanor didn’t see what Alice had to cry about.

  ‘That’s rude. How could she be wrong?’

  ‘She is. That’s all.’

  ‘The whole village knows. She said that’s why your mother stays in bed. It’s called dee-presh-shon.’ Alice was speaking faster, and it seemed to Eleanor that Alice’s mother – the source of this secret – was in the room too, in step behind her daughter, nodding all the while to show how right she was. ‘She tried killing herself by holding her breath until she was dead. That didn’t work so she ate cheese and then drank her medicine.’

  ‘She’s not always in bed.’ Eleanor’s hands were limp and dutiful in her lap.

  ‘She’s in bed now!’ The ruler cleaved the air with a swipe. ‘How do you know she’s not dead right this minute?’

  Eleanor saw the black crayon. It lay inches from Alice’s feet. She addressed it in a whisper:

  ‘She’s tidying her bedroom. She’ll be down soon.’

  These were the ‘open sesame’ words. At the possibility of the approach of Mrs Ramsay, Alice laid down the ruler and said she had to leave; she was already late. She was supposed to be staying for tea under Uncle Jack’s tree. Eleanor was not keen to remind Alice of this and willingly watched her go. Alone with the Judge, Eleanor rose unsteadily to her feet and picking up the black crayon she slotted it into the gap in the box.

  After Alice had gone Eleanor had run up to her Mum’s room. Isabel hated to be disturbed, especially when she had a headache. Eleanor stopped outside the door and, with her ear pressed to the wood, listened.

  There was no sound.

  Downstairs Lizzie had started dinner, singing lustily to a tinny Tom Jones on her t
ransistor. These were noises in her home that Eleanor loved, but now she required silence. Gina must have gone to muck out her horse and Lucian was still out. There was no sound from her father’s study further down the corridor. She inched the doorknob round. With a loud clunk she fell forwards into the room. She had forgotten it was impossible to go into her parents’ bedroom quietly, the door was warped and could only be banged shut or shouldered open with a clatter. Her mother complained every time they came down, but nothing that was broken or faulty at the White House was mended unless it brought things to a halt.

  ‘For God’s sake. Who’s that?’ The voice groaned from beneath the bedding. The mound moved slightly.

  ‘Only me.’

  ‘Who’s “Only Me”?’

  ‘Elly.’ Eleanor just stopped herself from saying ‘your daughter’. The Cheese Secret had made her mother a stranger. ‘Just came to see if you were ali…if, if, you wanted anything…’

  ‘Can’t you all leave me alone, must you all constantly barge in?’ Her mother always said this even if she had been left alone for hours. ‘First Gina, then…’

  ‘What did Gina want?’

  ‘Oh, Eleanor! What do you want?’

  ‘Do you need a cup of tea or a drink? It’s nearly after the Yard Arm.’ Their special joke, but her mother groaned and, extracting her hand from under the blanket, flapped feebly at the door.

  ‘It’s the afternoon, Elly. Push off!’

  Eleanor wandered disconsolately up to the playroom, thumping a rhythm on the banister as she climbed. She swung open the front of the doll’s house. It made a snapping sound and stuck half way. Alice said the hinges were rusted and the door was wonky. The dusty furniture had been tossed back into the rooms any old how. She had not touched it since she met Alice. Now she picked up each piece and returned it to the right room. She straightened the tiny bedspread and laid the sitting room rug beside the bed. She hated stepping on the freezing floor in the mornings during winter holidays. She dragged the bed over to the window so the sun would shine on the pillows first thing. Her mother said sunshine made her happy and, when she didn’t have headaches, she loved sunbathing best of all.