The Winter Games Box Set

by Rebecca Sharp

  Oxygen felt like poison—like tar—in my lungs, clogging every molecule and fiber that allowed me to breathe.

  Was this real?

  The room began to spin.

  “Ally…” It was like her hands were wrapped around my throat and I was begging her to let go—and let me breathe again.

  “No!” Her hand came up in my direction before it pushed into her brother’s chest, pushing him back. “And now, you have the nerve to ask her why she would be upset? After it’s taken her weeks to find the courage to admit to you one of the most heartbreaking losses—“

  “Ally!” Her name exploded from my lips that finally decided that they knew how to work. Tears rolled like hot acid down my cheeks.

  It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

  My tone was enough to shock her and she spun on me with complete confusion on her face.

  My tongue that was far too big for my mouth began to move lamely in my mouth. “T-that’s not—“

  “What the—is going on in here?” Nick stormed into the room, tugging Lila by the hand. She wasn’t crying anymore, but her cheeks were stained red.

  Ally turned and froze, the color draining from her face.

  “Who…” Her head flicked back and forth between Nick to Chance and then to me. “What…”

  It was a moment that could have been plucked straight from a Greek comedy… or a tragedy—depending on how you looked at it. So many mistaken assumptions.

  “Jessa…” Ally squeaked, her big blue eyes now solely focused on me, tears welling in them. “What’s going on?”

  “Ally, this is Frost’s daughter, Lila,” Chance ground out, pinning me with his stare. “This is the kid that Jessa just got so upset over.”

  I hated silence. Awkward, drags-on-forever, stifling silence.

  Ally’s hand came up to cover her mouth as she realized what she’d just done. It wasn’t her fault, really. Something this big shouldn’t have remained a secret for so long.

  “Jessa,” she whispered, walking towards me.

  “Is it true?” Chance asked and I couldn’t keep my eyes on my friend any longer.

  I had to look. I had to see.

  Burning sulfur—that’s what I saw; a bright indigo lava that glowed white along the edges.

  I felt every cell wither under its intensity, his molten anger and betrayal charring everything in its path.

  “Is. It. Fucking. True?” he asked again and Nick growled from the corner at the use of expletives in front of his little girl. I wanted to look—to apologize for Chance—but I couldn’t. “Were you pregnant with my child?”

  I couldn’t move.

  Raising my chin, I did the very first thing the mountain had ever taught me—sometimes, the only thing that you can do in life…

  I rose up. From my fear. From my despair. From the ashes.

  “Yes.” Strong. Steady. The word came down like a gavel in the silence even though I couldn’t stop the tears from pleading my case.

  Betrayal.

  It was the elephant in the room. It was the final lie that I’d subjected him to. I had my reasons, I could argue

  “Chance…”

  The tongue may be the strongest muscle in the body, but it is what the tongue creates that has the greatest ability for harm. Syllables that cut like swords. Words that are harsh and so sharp that their utterance should make the mouth bleed. The worst are the landmines—wordmines; these are the words that seem like nothing when you step on them, only to realize that they conceal a bomb underneath—an explosion of anger waiting to erupt.

  “Get out.” A wordmine barely containing the bomb of anger and betrayal that sat beneath the surface.

  It was ironic—how I felt about Chance.

  He could rip my heart from my chest and tear it in two. And no matter how it got put back together, it would always beat for him.

  At first, I thought the strangled cry came from my mouth, but here it came from Ally. No, I was used to losing Chance at this point in my life. I’d done all the wrong things. Right or wrong, the reasons no longer mattered.

  I thought I’d exhaled—a painful relief that the truth was freed from me—but his name must have been carried out with the air because his jaw ticked dangerously again before he said, “Actually, no. I’m fucking leaving. I knew I never should have come back to this fucking place.”

  I felt his pain. Learning about a child only to subsequently lose it. I knew the exquisite torture that came when shock and pain blended inside your heart. And after everything I pushed him to admit to me, to know that I kept this from him.

  I stood tall—like a string had been tied from the top of my head to the ceiling, pulling me tight. A puppet. With a nose that should have reached to the door for all the lies that I’d told.

  I nodded even though I couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

  Ally grabbed my hand as he walked by. I didn’t argue. It’s not like I had anywhere else to go either.

  “Chance.” I squeezed her hand, a silent plea to just let it be. There was nothing more that needed to be said. Her fingers tightened on mine and I knew it killed her to walk away from this—to not be able to stand up for me like I’d done for her.

  “Who have you become?” she whispered, utterly tortured by her brother’s reaction. I wish I could say it sounded even remotely close to what was inside of me, but how she felt was a raindrop compared to my ocean.

  I HAD TO GET OUT of there—out of the house that had only started to feel like home again because she was in it. Looking around as I stalked out, all I saw was her—the candles, the fucking La Croix cans (three of them in my exit path), her boxes that were only still half-unpacked, and the stack of Tarot cards on the coffee table in the living room. The space was more her than it was me.

  My wheels spun in the snow as I pulled out of the driveway. This is what I did when I was broken—I ran. And I told myself it was because I didn’t need any of this shit. Except, I wasn’t dumb enough to really believe that anymore.

  I’d been a father.

  A dad.

  I could have had a baby. With Jessa-fucking-Madison.

  Hot tears beat angrily against my eyelids, wanting to fall. I hadn’t even cried when they told me I’d never compete again. But that felt like taking a toy from a child compared to this.

  I had so many questions—more questions than the sky had stars—How could Jessa have been pregnant? How long was she pregnant? How could she not have told me?

  The nagging voice of reason in my head—her voice—asked why would she? I’d cut her off—slandered her in front of everyone that she and I had known back then. I’d turned her into an outcast because my pride was suffering. She’d had no one left here except for Tammy when she moved to Texas. What other choice did I give her?

  I’d been a father.

  Just like fucking Frost—who was going to have to fend for himself back there. He knew he could stay as long as he needed; I didn’t need to be there.

  It was already dark out; we’d been on the mountain for most of the day.

  I pulled into Big Louie’s and stalked inside. I needed a strong drink. No, I needed an over-the-counter amnesiac and analgesic. I wanted to not feel the pain. More than that, I wanted to forget the pain ever existed.

  How could she not have told me?

  Even though I knew the answer. The question still stung. It was ironic that this all started because I’d wanted revenge—I’d wanted to make her feel betrayed and break her heart because she’d done the same to me.

  What were the chances that the kiss with Frost—my whole reason for all of it—was nothing like I thought? What were the chances that one betrayal was erased only to be replaced with another?

  “Whiskey. Double.”

  “What—“ The bartender approached me, about to ask which whiskey I preferred.

  “I don’t fucking care, Jimmy. Whatever kind gets it in the glass the fastest.”

  I swirled the liquid in the glass—molten amb
er amnesiac. Except instead of making me forget, it only made me remember Jessa’s eyes. With a growl, I downed the entire thing.

  My next request was for vodka.

  My phone buzzed, but I ignored it. I needed one goddamn minute to process.

  I’d become a father and lost my child all within the space of a minute.

  The clear alcohol lit a path of matches down my throat as I tried to swallow it and the truth.

  Maybe I shouldn’t have left.

  I pulled out my phone, ignoring the second buzz from a text from Frost.

  I tapped into my ‘Favorites’ list, finding the number I was looking for.

  “Hello?” My twin’s voice rang clear from the other end of the line.

  “You busy?” I bit out.

  “What’s wrong?” she immediately asked.

  I pushed my empty glass away. “I’m coming over. We’re going for a drive.”

  “Ok.” No questions. No nothing. Channing could read me because in some ways, she was me. And this discussion wasn’t going to be started over the phone while I sat in a bar, drinking down fear, regret, and the bitter stab of betrayal.

  I left cash on the counter and stalked out to my car. The shots that I’d taken barely brought any degree of warmth into my bones. Everything was cold again. Just like it had been before everything had started with Jessa.

  The drive to Wyatt and my sister’s townhome was short and she’d been waiting because I barely put my jeep in park before she was out the door and jogging to the car.

  There was a burst of cold as she quickly slipped into the passenger seat, not bothering with a seatbelt before she turned to face me.

  I met her, stare for stare. Blue for blue. I looked for the clearer version of myself in her eyes. I didn’t like what I saw.

  “Hope I didn’t interrupt anything.”

  One eyebrow raised. “Why would you ever be an interruption? Jerk? Maybe. Interruption? Never.” Not when it was something important were the words that went unsaid.

  I shrugged and backed out of the spot.

  We sat in silence for a few minutes as I drove through the sleepy streets. Friday night, everyone was out in one bar or another, leaving most of the roads empty except for the snow. Unlike Ally who would have been knee deep in this conversation, her mouth moving at sixty words per mile. Channing, though, knew that what needed to be said, needed to come from me.

  Why I pushed her… all of them away… was becoming more and more of a mystery to me.

  I glanced over at my patient twin and a small smile tugged at my lips.

  Whatever we were made of, she and I were the same.

  The car came to a stop and we both stared out the windshield at the yellow dots that lit up the mountain. I hadn’t planned on coming here. I hadn’t planned on a lot of things.

  “I was a dad,” I began, but she hid her shock well. “For a little while anyway.”

  I thought it was going to be harder, but it wasn’t—telling Channing everything that had happened with Jessa, everything about the past, and then the revelations of today. And she sat there calmly, asking nothing of me except that I continue to say whatever I needed to.

  “What do I do?” I finally stopped to ask.

  Silence. And then the door locks flicked open. “Let’s go for a walk.”

  She hopped down from the car before I could say any different.

  “You look like I did, the night you came back.”

  I scoffed, my breath fogging into the crisp cold air as we ambled aimlessly towards the main lift. “Lil, you were a mess. You could barely stand up straight you were crying so hard.”

  She put her hand on my arm to slow me. “I never said that you looked the same on the outside,” she said. “Chance, it sounds like you found something—someone—that meant more to you than the mountain; it sounds like you found her a long time ago. And like me, you pushed back because you felt betrayed, because you felt like you didn’t have faith.”

  The crunch of the snow stopped as she came to a halt, a few flurries blowing her short hair in front of her face.

  “I don’t know what to do, Lil.” My hand rubbed over my mouth and I realized how cold it was; I didn’t feel anything though except what was coming from inside. “I’m angry and I’m hurt. And I feel like she fucking betrayed me again.”

  “Then why are you here?”

  Because I love her. And it hurts so fucking bad.

  “Because I feel like I fucking betrayed her,” I admitted softly. “All this started because I’d wanted revenge—I’d wanted to make her feel betrayed and break her heart.” A pained laugh escaped me. “And when I left the house tonight, I wanted to feel like I should have just stuck to my plan. But I couldn’t. I always figured one of us would end up broken by this, except I think it managed to break us both.”

  “When you came back, you told me that the mountain and snowboarding wasn’t everything—that you had to learn that the hard way. I learned it wasn’t everything because it had been replaced by Wyatt without me even realizing. What you didn’t say was that even though you learned it, you had nothing to replace it with. You’ve been empty this whole time, Chance.”

  I listened to her, but I heard myself. She was my mirror—the glass that distilled out all the vanity and vengeance and only reflected veracity.

  “Until her.”

  The words hung between us like a lantern in the distance—bright, pulsating, and warm.

  I didn’t even know who said it. Maybe it was the wind—a whisper from the mountain. The one last truth that it would teach me.

  “But you didn’t run.”

  “No, I drove. I left the house and I drove away.”

  “That’s not what I meant,” she huffed. “You were angry and hurt when you broke your knee and you ran—not just drove down the road. You ran all the way to California. And you can justify it however you want—that it was also for me or whatever,” her hands came up, “and I’m sure that that is true. But the truth is that you ran because you felt like you failed. And you’ve been running ever since you came back—away from healing, away from the opportunity that Wyatt and I offered, away from giving meaning to your future, and away from those who care about you.”

  “What’s your point, Lil?” I bit out.

  “Tonight, you stayed. You stayed and you called me and you asked for help.” She wrapped her arms around my chest and I pulled her tight to me. “Tonight, you finally stopped letting your pride stand in the way of the happiness you could have.”

  “She should have fucking told me. I should have been there.” I reached up and brushed a snowflake off of my nose. The snow was coming down harder now. Looked like we were in for some inches overnight.

  “How do you know she didn’t try?” Lil whispered. “You don’t. You don’t because you only got Ally’s ranted version of the story.”

  “I know that I’m hurting—and she probably is, too.”

  “What are you afraid of?”

  “That I’ll find out that I’ve let her down again. That I’ve failed again,” I whispered into the beanie that she was wearing.

  “How many times have you picked yourself up from a fall? A lot. How many times have you picked me up from a fall? Even more. You told me a few months ago that we don’t give up when we fall, we get back up. We don’t ever give up on something or someone that we love. And I’m not just talking about Jessa, I’m mostly talking about yourself. We all make mistakes that change our lives in one way or another. It’s how we respond to those changes that defines us.”

  “And how should I respond? How will she respond?” I groaned, now remembering the heart-shattering look on her face before I walked out the door.

  “You know I can’t answer that. Just like you couldn’t tell me how Wyatt would react when I tried to win him back. It’s an unknown,” she said. “But, at some point you have to step into the unknown, Chance, because the unknown is the only place where you can overcome anger and ego.”

 
“Comforting…” I grumbled.

  I felt her laugh against me.

  “Do you love her?” She pulled back to look up at me and asked. I knew that question was coming at some point or another.

  “Yes.” Fuck if I knew what to do with it though.

  “Then, I’d have to say that you’re here, Chance, and you love her—I think you’ve already decided how to respond.”

  I held her close and stared up at the snow-capped peaks that glowed under the moonlight. The mountain wasn’t everything—it was a part of my past and a part of my future—but it wasn’t everything. It was the means, not the end. It brought me to the people that I loved and who loved me.

  With my arm around her shoulder, we walked back to the car—anyone behind us would have thought they were seeing double.

  I’d made my decision. I may have left the house, but I wasn’t going to leave her.

  Whatever role I’d played in this mess, I was going back there to work through it because Jessa was everything to me. Whatever it took, I wasn’t letting her go again.

  “Thanks, Lil,” I said softly as I put the car in park at her house. The light was still on so I knew that Wyatt had waited up. We’d been out for almost three hours. “Tell Wyatt I’m sorry for keeping you out late.”

  She waved her hand at me to say not to worry about it.

  “You’re worth it, Chance. You’re worth the fight. You’re worth hiring and you’re worth loving. I’m glad that Jessa finally made you see that. Now, go show her that she is, too.”

  “Love you.” I smiled tightly, silently praying that I didn’t fuck this up, too.

  “Love you, too.”

  The house was completely quiet and everything Jessa when I finally walked through the door. That one candle that she insisted on burning—pine and pineapple—was still half-melted on the coffee table. I looked farther in to see Emmett sitting at the kitchen counter, typing furiously on his phone.