by Louise Stone
I gasped, my heart wrung out with a torrent of emotions. ‘How can you say that? When did it all go so horribly wrong, Stephen? When did you decide I wasn’t attractive any more?’ I stared hard at him, tears brimming. ‘You use the adoption papers as a way of reminding me of my failure as a mother every time I’m anything less than perfect; I don’t need you throwing it in my face every day when I already blame myself. We both know you would sue for custody and that Zoe would choose to live with you because you spoil her rotten.’ I bit my lip, and it started to bleed. ‘And if I did have an affair it would be because you show me no love, no affection, no respect. You clearly don’t want to be in this marriage either, but you’re so obsessed with money that you’d rather stay married to me than divide our finances – or, God forbid, have to declare all your murky income fiddling to an independent court. You’re happier for us to all stay together in our beautifully furnished house and pretend.’ I drew a deep breath. ‘To be honest, we both know we’re staying in this for Zoe. Well, I am.’ I nodded. ‘When she leaves school, we’ll see…’
‘You’ll see, will you? Always think you’re blameless, don’t you, Freya?’ He tensed his jaw; the vein in his neck had started to throb. ‘Well, come on, admit it, ever since we had Zoe, you have not been the woman I fell for.’
‘Stephen.’ I gave a short laugh. ‘Can you hear yourself? For the last bloody time, I had post-natal depression. I went to counselling, I took pills. Then one day the cloud lifted, but you had already decided it was too late and you were going to smother Zoe with everything you thought I couldn’t give her.’ I shook my head, silent tears coursing down my cheeks. ‘No relationship is without its problems, that goes for us, as well as for me and Zoe. Zoe and I have had a tough time of it, I’ve never denied that, but I seem to remember your insane jealousy when she and I did start to become close. When she was five-ish, and starting primary school, you started to resent how she began to look to me for comfort instead of you. You showered her with ridiculous gifts, you spoiled her, and I was left to be the big, bad wolf who told her off and set boundaries. I’ll never be able to win with you, will I? You hate it when Zoe and I are close, and you blame me when we’re not. It’s true, isn’t it?’
His jawline flicked with tension. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. Just listen to yourself, Freya.’
‘Do you think that makes you a good parent, Stephen?’ I was on a roll now, and couldn’t seem to stop the words from tumbling out of my mouth. ‘Spoiling your daughter, buying her love?’ I moved a step closer to him.
‘You’re the one who’s jealous,’ he said, ‘because she’s always been a daddy’s girl, and since she hit the teen years, she and I have been closer than ever.’
‘Only because you let her have her own way all the time.’ I moved past him now and into the bathroom, running the cold water and splashing it over my blotchy face. ‘Maybe I’ve grown so sick of you getting Zoe on side all the time that I’ve felt left out, unloved.’
He shook his head. ‘Self-pity doesn’t suit you, Freya.’ I watched him in the mirror. ‘You’ve changed recently. That’s why Zoe’s been acting out, getting up to mischief. You haven’t been there for her. Your mind is always somewhere else.’
‘I have not changed.’ I glanced back at myself in the mirror.
‘You have. Over the past year, you seem lighter, happier.’ He furrowed his brow. ‘You’re like the old Freya. The one I married. It’s weird because I feel like you’ve got your confidence back.’
‘You make that sound like a bad thing.’
‘No, but with it, you’ve been distracted.’
I could feel his piercing gaze on me so I cupped more water into my hands, my heart fluttering. ‘I’ve been distracted, I suppose, yes. I decided to focus more on my career because I’m not judged there, because people respect me for who I am, for the quality of my work.’ I paused. ‘Unlike you.’
‘Well, if you had managed to transfer a bit of that lightness and happiness into your family life, then maybe Zoe wouldn’t have gone off the rails.’
I lifted my head and turned to stare at him. ‘Fuck you.’
‘Well, it was bound to happen, wasn’t it?’
I maintained eye contact, the only noise coming from the running water.
I didn’t say anything, didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of finding out he was right about me having an affair. But I should have realised Stephen would always need to have the last word.
‘Your daughter became a more beautiful version of you and you have to live with that every day.’
I straightened up, turned the tap off and, as he moved out of the bathroom, I slammed the door on his retreating figure, ensuring that the sound of the lock moving across was loud enough for him to hear. He had been right that we never used the locks in this house. We gave the impression we implicitly trusted each other but, as I knew all too well, not every secret was kept at home.
I sat on the edge of the bath once more. My head swam with images of Zoe provoking Jerry, confiding in Stephen, online with random strangers as she posed nude. Zoe had been using a social networking site to sext with older men – she had her secrets – but then, didn’t I have mine? The realisation of our similarities jarred my senses and I clung to the edge of the bath, afraid I might slip further into some sort of void.
I thought about Friday night, with Robert. Perhaps I needed to forget myself, forget my real existence, I had allowed myself to relax more than usual, knowing that Stephen was away at his conference. As far as I knew, Zoe had been at Keira’s, or at least I’d thought she was. My only thought, my selfish thought, I realised now, was: I was free. Robert and I had gone for a walk. Not holding hands, in case we were seen, but it had felt electric just having him near.
It was at times like those, though they were rare, that I allowed myself to imagine that this really was my life. To imagine a young man could find me attractive and I was able to make him laugh and smile. It felt undeniably good. On Friday night, because of my sense of being at liberty, I had drunk more than normal. Robert had, too. I remembered now, the memory suddenly flashing through my mind, that he had, however, appeared a bit more nervous than usual. While it was ordinarily me who couldn’t quite relax into our time together in public, on Friday night it had felt as if he was worried about being seen. It had struck me as odd but until now I hadn’t thought hard about it. He had taken a call during which he had struck me as monosyllabic, and told me his friend had been taken to A & E – something about a bike accident. He had asked me to meet him at his flat; he wouldn’t be long.
Sitting on the edge of the bath, I looked in the mirror and suddenly felt very alone, unsure who I could really trust. I had a strange feeling that I couldn’t shake off but I decided it was ridiculous: Robert could not have been involved in Zoe’s disappearance. I had made my way to his flat and he had joined me only a couple of hours later.
I pushed down the thought that kept threatening to break my resolve entirely: I had asked him his friend’s name and he had told me it was some guy called Jeff but hadn’t said much more, despite my questioning.
My grip on reality, on what I knew to be true, was crumbling, and I had nothing firm to hold on to, no one I could count on. Had Zoe been taken by someone? Had she run away to get our attention? What secrets was Stephen hiding? Or Keira? Or even Robert? I could honestly say that, at that point, I had no idea.
Now I realised I had to show Carter the USB stick with the video. He was the only person who could be objective about the facts of this case – I knew I couldn’t be. I also knew I had to keep Keira on side; I was sure she knew more than she was letting on. Who knew better than I did about keeping secrets from your family, from the police? Once Zoe had revealed a scar on her wrist. I had immediately jumped to the conclusion that she had been self-harming and my overwhelming fear had turned to disbelief when she proudly told me that she and Keira had in fact swapped blood: they were now blood sisters. Perhaps Keira was keeping a secret
for Zoe?
What I did know was that, in order to keep Keira on side, I couldn’t tell Carter she had given me the USB stick and that she had been in possession of it all along. If I played it right, perhaps Keira would lead me to Zoe; she certainly seemed to be the one who knew my daughter best.
***
As the day drew to a close, Stephen and I sat in an uncomfortable silence in the living room. He nursed a tumbler of whisky as we both retreated further into our own thoughts. I watched the clock ticking on the mantelpiece and, with every movement of the minute hand, my heart grew heavier with worry. I stroked the side of the armchair mindlessly, my mind turning over the events of the last two days.
After another ten minutes or so, Stephen got up and I heard him pour himself another whisky and slowly climb the stairs. I watched his retreating figure, his shoulders hunched as he made his way across the landing to his study and then the resounding sound of the key in the lock.
I looked forward again, my eyes resting on the clock once more, and waited, tears wetting my face.
8
On Monday morning I rang the mobile number DI Carter had given me.
‘Hello?’ he answered, and I could hear him tapping the keys of his keyboard.
‘Hello, Detective, it’s Freya Hall.’
‘Oh, hi. You okay?’
‘I found something in Zoe’s room late last night that I think you should see.’
‘Really?’ He sounded surprised. ‘I thought my team had thoroughly checked her room. Would you bring it to the station now?’
‘Now?’ I was surprised and silently berated myself for not making out the USB stick had been elsewhere in the house.
‘We have no time to waste on this, Mrs Hall. I need to see what it is you’ve found and ask you a few more questions.’ He paused momentarily. ‘Give me twenty minutes and I’ll pick you up.’
I gathered my handbag off the bedroom floor and headed downstairs. Stephen was in the living room looking through photo albums.
I hovered in the doorway. ‘What are you doing?’ I asked.
He looked up at me. His features flickered with surprise at my presence and his eyes were bloodshot. ‘Oh, Frey, you surprised me.’ He rubbed his eyes. ‘I was just looking at photos of Zo.’
‘Can I join you?’ He nodded and I sat. ‘Why did you say those things yesterday, Stephen? Is that what you really think of me?’
He exhaled loudly. ‘I can’t lie, Freya. You are married to your career of late and Zoe doesn’t confide in you. That’s all true.’
‘Carter wants to ask me a few questions.’
Stephen jerked his head back. ‘Really? Why?’
‘Don’t know.’ I stood and shrugged.
As I made a move for the front door, Stephen asked, ‘Freya, are you keeping something from me?’
I turned and manufactured a smile. ‘No, Stephen, I would never keep anything from you.’
***
DI Carter drove up to the house and as I was already waiting outside he didn’t need to come to the front door. I noticed he was unshaven with black smudges beneath his eyes.
‘How you holding up?’ he asked as he drove.
‘You know, as well as can be expected.’
He nodded, his face grave. ‘Yes, I think you’re coping remarkably well.’
I gave him a sidelong look. ‘Meaning?’
He glanced my way before focusing once again on the road. ‘Meaning you’re clearly a strong woman, Mrs Hall.’
‘Freya, please. I feel like I’m a primary school teacher when you call me that.’
He smiled. ‘Sorry.’
‘Even my students call me Freya.’
‘Or Prof?’ he joked.
‘That, too.’ I returned the smile.
‘I was wondering about your students actually.’ He paused. ‘If any of them know Zoe?’
My palms began to sweat and I put the car window down a touch, grateful for the cool air across my forehead. ‘Sure, I mean a few have met her when she’s dropped by the office, but she tends to keep away from the university. I think she finds my job a bit geeky and strange.’ I let out a short laugh. ‘Which may be spot on.’
He nodded. ‘Don’t worry, my kids are the same.’ Turning into the station forecourt, he brought the car to a standstill, put the brake on and turned to me. ‘I ask because when we’ve spoken with her friends they all refer to Zoe liking older guys. Does that come as a surprise to you?’
I sighed deeply, thinking about everything I had learned about my daughter in the last forty-eight hours. ‘No, I suppose after the news of the sexting and posing naked on the social networking site, nothing really surprises me.’
‘But you had no idea that she might be having a relationship or relationships with older men?’
‘Whoa,’ I held my hands up, ‘you never said she was having a relationship!’ I stared straight ahead at the station, unspeaking for a moment while I gathered my thoughts. ‘You think a guy, an older guy, might have taken her?’
‘No, not necessarily.’ He tapped the steering wheel with his forefinger. ‘It’s a possibility. Of course, there’s also the possibility that she voluntarily left with someone.’ He looked at me.
I swallowed hard. I had come to the same conclusions myself last night. ‘Stephen tells me you’ve been particularly distant recently.’
‘Does he now?’ I looked away. ‘Stephen seems to think he knows everything about me.’
As soon as the words had exited my lips, I regretted it. I knew I was drawing attention to the cracks in our marriage.
Not missing a trick, Carter said, ‘And he doesn’t? Your husband doesn’t know everything?’
‘I was just being stupid. Of course he knows everything.’ I gave a half-smile. ‘I guess Zoe’s disappearance is taking its toll on us, that’s all.’
He nodded and got out of the car. I followed him inside and up to his office where he indicated I should sit down while he busied himself with a white, plastic kettle.
‘Coffee?’
I nodded. ‘Please.’
‘I’m afraid I only have instant.’
‘That’s fine.’
As we waited for the kettle to boil, he sat on the other side of the desk to me. ‘So, I believe you’ve got something for me?’
‘Yes, I found this in Zoe’s room.’ I handed him the USB stick.
‘Really?’ He raised a brow. ‘Do you mind me asking where?’
My breath caught momentarily and my mind froze in panic. ‘Um, it was under her bed.’ I looked at the floor, pretended to fiddle with my shoe, but I could feel his eyes on me.
‘Right. Well, have you looked at it?’
‘Yes.’ I brought my head up. ‘I think it’s important you see it.’
He slipped the stick into the port on his computer and the same image of Zoe I had seen before filled the screen. He pressed play and I studied his face as he watched my daughter openly provoking Jerry Wyre. I felt a wave of guilt wash over me as I realised I was essentially confirming the rumours that Zoe was, in fact, an overtly sexualised girl. For a split second, I questioned my morals as a mother but this video appeared to be important – or, at least, that was the impression Keira had given me – and at this point I would do anything to get my daughter back. But I still needed him to find Zoe without finding out about me and Robert. This USB stick was potentially the clue he needed.
When it finished, he nodded. ‘This is the video Keira was talking about? Or one of them?’
‘I don’t know. I suppose it is.’ My gaze flitted around his office and I twisted my hands repeatedly in my lap.
‘I heard Keira dropped by your office yesterday morning. Did she give you the video then?’
‘Look,’ I said, suddenly defiant, sidestepping his question, ‘I showed you this because it makes it look like Jerry Wyre may be more involved than he’s letting on.’
‘Does it?’ He got up and poured water into the mugs.
‘Well, don’t yo
u think so?’
‘No, I’m afraid, Freya, I don’t.’ He stirred the coffee, added long-life milk and put the cup in front of me. ‘What it does show me is that Zoe has been quite forward with Jerry Wyre and I will certainly be talking to him again, but it doesn’t change my view that Zoe probably wasn’t taken against her will.’
I took a slurp of the hot coffee and it scalded my mouth. ‘So where are you looking now?’ My heart started to beat faster. This was not how I had imagined this conversation playing out.
‘We’ve had some new evidence come in which we’re in the process of confirming, but any information you can give me on any of your students would be most helpful.’
I put the cup back down, my shaking hand causing the liquid to spill on his desk. He offered me a tissue.
‘Freya, are you okay?’
‘Why do you think this has anything to do with a student?’ I looked at him. I tried not to let my unease show on my face.
‘Could Zoe have met any of your students? Do you invite them to your home, or see any of them outside of class?’
‘No. Stephen didn’t like it when I brought work home. As far as I know, Zoe’s never met any of my students.’ I indicated the USB stick. ‘I thought this was useful.’
‘Oh, it is.’ He peered at me over his coffee. ‘Very useful.’
‘We are going to find her, aren’t we?’ Panic grabbed at me. ‘I mean, she will be fine, won’t she?’
He frowned. ‘I hope so, Freya, but we are doing everything we can. Please know that.’
I nodded and stood up. ‘I presume I’m done here, then?’ I could feel my legs threatening to give way and I knew I had to get out of Carter’s office as quickly as possible.
‘Yes, let me get someone to give you a lift home.’
‘That’s okay. I need to pop by the office anyway to make sure someone will be covering my tutorials this afternoon.’ He didn’t say anything. ‘I’ll be fine.’
He must have heard the defiance in my voice as he nodded, conceding.