by Louise Stone
As I walked stiffly from his office, I felt my mobile buzzing in my bag and, as I stepped out of the station, I looked at the caller ID. Student Admin. Exactly who I needed to speak to.
‘Hi, Freya,’ said Robert. ‘Any sign of Zoe?’
‘No, not yet.’
He breathed heavily into the receiver. ‘Christ, you must be worried sick.’
‘I am.’ I choked back a sob. ‘So worried.’ Robert and I needed to talk. After the seeds of doubt that Detective Carter had sown in my head, I knew I had to speak to him face to face. ‘Can I see you? I need to see you.’
‘Of course. Oh, you poor thing, come to my flat. Or we could meet somewhere?’
Suddenly, the image of Robert with that student, Anne, flashed into my head again, anxiety starting to swell through me. If he had been fooling around with her, then what was to say he hadn’t been fooling around with other young, beautiful girls? Perhaps even… I couldn’t let my thoughts go down this route – of course it was ridiculous, but then, before I knew it, the words were tumbling out of my mouth.
‘Rob,’ I said with as much nonchalance as I could muster, ‘you know that woman I saw…’
He didn’t let me finish, his mood quickly darkening. ‘Freya. Drop it, okay? Look, she’s a friend. I’ve already told you that.’ He paused. ‘I wish you would stop making such a big deal of it. You have to trust me. I’m allowed friends.’ I could hear the strain in his voice. ‘Listen, I would love to be with you all the time but I can’t because you’re married and because you’re my supervisor. So, I’m allowed a life when I’m not with you.’ His voice started to warm again, ‘You know how much I love you, and I’d do anything to come out and tell everyone about us.’
I nodded. I was being silly. Of course he had friends. Of course I couldn’t stop him living. I had no right to question who he socialised with, but there was more to my anxiety than just that. I knew, however, I needed to tread carefully. ‘Rob, please. You know I love you. But I have a family. It’s not that easy for me.’ I paused. ‘And you’re right, it’s none of my business who you hang out with.’
He sighed. ‘Look, Frey, it’s easy – you either want to be happy or you don’t.’
I swallowed hard. ‘I know it seems that way to you.’ I took a silent, cleansing breath. ‘But I have to think of what impact this all might have had on my daughter.’ I hung my head. ‘I realise now that I’ve not been there for her as much as I should have, so maybe, even though she doesn’t know about us, we’ve already had a negative impact on her.’
‘She’s sixteen. She’ll be okay with it when she sees you’re happy.’
I thought about what I had learned about Zoe’s behaviour and knew Robert was wrong. ‘No, you don’t understand, it’s more complicated than you could ever imagine.’
‘Here you go again, Frey. You want me, but you don’t want to let me in.’
He was right; but the other Freya, the one I was at home, wasn’t someone I was proud of, and I was afraid that Robert wouldn’t touch that Freya with a bargepole. I thought again of what Detective Carter had said, and I had to ask him: this was my moment. I braced myself for his reaction.
Silence filled the line and when I eventually spoke, my voice was almost a whisper. ‘Do you know her?’
‘Know who?’ He grew quiet and I imagined I could hear the flicker of recognition as he realised what I was asking. ‘Are you talking about Zoe?’
It bothered me that he had made that connection, that he had known I was asking about Zoe. But then, Robert had always just got me – it was part of the reason I was so attracted to him. But now he was suddenly angry, I could tell by his voice. ‘Why on earth would you think I know Zoe?’
‘I don’t know, Rob. It was just something the detective said, and now I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m desperate.’
Electricity crackled down the line. ‘Freya, are you asking me if I had anything to do with your daughter’s disappearance?’
‘No, no-no,’ I stammered. ‘Of course not. How ridiculous would that be?’ My tone didn’t sound convincing even to my ears.
‘Why would you even think something awful like that?’ He wasn’t going to let it go now and I knew, in my heart, that it was my jealous paranoia about Robert being in relationships with other women – girls – that had allowed Carter’s questions to affect me like this.
‘It’s stupid.’
‘Tell me.’
‘I saw a tattoo on her ankle.’
He gave a small laugh. ‘A tattoo? Does Zoe even have a tattoo?’
‘No,’ I conceded. ‘Not that I know of.’
Stephen and I, I remembered now, had not been on the same page once again when Zoe announced she was going to get a tattoo.
‘No, no way,’ I had said and watched my daughter’s hopeful expression transform into one of defiant rage. ‘You’re too young,’ I had said firmly.
‘Says who?’ Zoe had come back with.
‘It’s the law, darling. There’s a reason you have to be eighteen to get a tattoo, even with parental permission.’ Stephen had said she needed to be able to express herself; he had promised he would talk me round and figure out a way she could get one – maybe on holiday somewhere over the summer? I had put my foot down and said, ‘Over my dead body.’
Stephen and I didn’t speak to each other for days after that. Zoe had been frosty with me for a whole month – all slammed doors and moody, monosyllabic responses. And then one day she had come home with a smile on her face, and I had breathed a sigh of relief, telling myself that she had finally got over it. Now I wondered, an ache forming in my heart, whether she’d gone ahead and done it anyway just to spite me. She probably had a fake ID, and she was a beautiful girl; with make-up she could easily pass for eighteen.
Robert paused. ‘Dr Hall, are you accusing me of something?’
‘Of course not! I’m just being paranoid about everything at the moment because I’m so desperately worried.’ I started to cry, sobs wracking my body.
He left me hanging for a moment and then very gently replied, ‘Frey, come on. Look, let’s meet up, you clearly need to talk to someone. I’m always here for you.’
I sniffled. ‘I can’t, Robert, I need to head back home to Stephen. I need to be at home if Zoe turns up.’
He didn’t reply for a few seconds and I checked he was still on the line.
‘Rob?’
‘Yeah, Frey, call me when you need me.’
I went to speak, my hand shaking as I held the phone against my ear. ‘Rob, this is not about us. This is about my daughter.’
He sighed deeply. ‘I know, but I’m tired of everything always being on your terms. Let me know if you hear anything.’
He hung up and I brought my phone slowly away from my ear, the tattoo and a girl’s slender ankle engraved on my mind.
9
With more resolve than ever, I phoned Keira’s mobile – I had asked Zoe for her number in case of an emergency – and asked her to meet me by the river in Oxford, away from the prying eyes of the cameras and police.
‘Please, Keira,’ I found myself begging.
‘I’m not so sure that’s a good idea, Mrs Hall.’ She paused. ‘Sorry.’
‘Keira, you gave me a video yesterday which you clearly wanted me to see so I think you owe me at least a chance to talk to you. Tell me why you insisted I watch it.’
I could hear Keira’s mother calling her in the background.
Keira dropped her voice and I put my finger in my other ear in an attempt to hear her. ‘…Ever since Zoe went missing, Mum’s not letting me out of the house. In case something happens to me, too.’
‘What if I can assure you it won’t?’
‘You can’t do that.’
‘I’ll make sure nothing happens to you, okay? I’ve let my daughter down; I won’t let you down, too.’
After a long pause, she agreed. ‘Listen, I’ll tell Mum I have to go to the library and I’ll meet you outside the W
estgate Centre in an hour.’
‘Thank you,’ I said, truly grateful.
I started the walk towards the shopping centre that housed the city’s public library. As I walked through Oxford’s perennially busy streets, my eyes scanned the faces in the crowd for Zoe. I shivered despite the October sunshine and checked over my shoulder repeatedly for a sign that someone was watching me. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wasn’t alone.
My phone buzzed and, on seeing it was Robert, my heart lifted.
‘Hey.’
‘Freya, you sound breathless,’ Robert said. ‘Where are you?’
‘Just walking to clear my head, why?’ I paused.
‘No reason. Listen, I’m sorry for how I reacted earlier. I know you’re just worried about Zoe.’ He sighed. ‘I guess I just hate to think you’re going through this without me.’ He paused. ‘But you need to trust me. There’s nothing going on between me and Anne, I promise.’
Why couldn’t I shake this anxious fluttering in my stomach?
I knew it was more than some strange jealousy; for some reason, I couldn’t remove Zoe from the picture. I sighed, defeated. I must have been mixing up my worry for Zoe with this dangerous affair I was having. The pressure of keeping it from Stephen had been bad enough – but now I was lying to the police as well. No wonder I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown.
Maybe I had finally come to realise that I was too involved with him. He could only ever hurt me. He was young, had his life ahead of him; I wasn’t sure what I had in my future, but it was very, very different.
‘Look, maybe you should be seeing her instead of me.’ I pushed the lump in my throat down. ‘Anne, I mean. If you like her then that’s good, that’s healthy. Don’t you think?’
‘Freya,’ Robert warned. ‘I’ve told you a million times… We’re just friends.’
‘I imagine she’s very nice,’ I insisted. Nice? I shook my head, realising how old I sounded.
‘Freya, for fuck’s sake, stop this! You’re being totally paranoid.’ He sounded warm, genuine. I think I was hanging on to the idea of him with Anne because I couldn’t bear for that ankle to have belonged to someone else… ‘I love you, Prof. Nothing else matters.’
I smiled despite myself; he had a way of making everything easier to cope with. I realised I really did need to see him; I needed the comfort he could bring me. The comfort Stephen couldn’t.
‘I’ll come by your place soon. Is that a good idea?’ I stopped, my eyes brimming with tears, his kindness threatening my resolve. ‘Or we could meet somewhere.’
He hesitated. ‘I’ll meet you somewhere. I’m sure I can find you.’
I looked around me. ‘In Oxford? It’s quite a big city.’
‘Look, just go and do whatever you’re going to do and I’ll find you.’
‘Okay,’ I said, the warm glow giving way to a gnawing anxiety.
‘Freya, I’ll come and find you, okay?’
My eyes flitted left and right, drinking in the faces of the people around me, drawn to the shadows of shop doorways.
‘Where are you, Rob? Can you see me?
‘How could I see you? We’re on the phone!’ He said a quick bye and the line went dead.
I spun around, convinced I could feel his eyes on me. Sweat formed on my forehead and upper lip, my breathing grew ragged. Stuffing my phone back in my bag, I looked at my watch. I needed to get to the library, speak to Keira. I moved forward and pounded the pavements hard and with purpose. As I rounded the corner to the Westgate Centre, I was unbelievably happy to see Keira already outside. The familiarity of my daughter’s best friend somehow made me feel strangely safer.
‘Hi, Keira.’ I smiled at her as I approached. ‘Thank you for meeting me. Shall we walk and talk?’
‘I’ll take you somewhere Zoe and I go when we want to hide away from the world.’
I nodded vigorously, tears filling my eyes once again. ‘Yes, I would like that very much.’ I so desperately wanted to feel near my daughter.
Keira made a beeline for the Covered Market, and when we emerged from the other side, she continued on, and didn’t let up the pace until we hit South Parks Road and the entrance to the University Parks. We didn’t speak, perhaps saving our conversation for later or, from the way she walked, with a sort of skittishness, I think she, too, felt nervous and wanted to feel safe before she could open up.
Eventually we arrived in a part of the park, behind LMH College, which I had never seen before. This side of the park had a high, red-brick wall running down to the River Cherwell and Keira moved towards a door in it, which had pale-blue paint flaking off. She looked both ways then pushed it open and nodded at me to follow her. Once I was inside she closed it again.
We sat on a rickety bench in the corner, the weak autumn sunshine finding us despite the high walls.
‘Like I said, this is where I used to come with Zo.’ She glanced at me. ‘This is where I keep coming back to since she went missing.’ A tear ran down her cheek and she brushed it away in frustration. ‘God, I haven’t stopped crying. I keep coming back here, and I pray every time I open that door that she’ll be sitting on the other side.’
I nodded, a lump rising in my throat. ‘What is it? Is it part of the park?’
Keira took a cigarette from her bag. ‘Do you mind, Mrs Hall?’
I went to say something but at this point I couldn’t be bothered to argue with her. I shook my head instead.
She lit up and took a long drag. ‘I guess so. We’ve never seen anyone in here. Probably because they see the door and think they can’t go in.’ She laughed. ‘It was Zoe’s idea. She thinks like that. She said, ‘If no one thinks they can go in there then they won’t, but we will and it’ll be all ours.’ She called it reverse psychology or something.’
I smiled. ‘Yeah, that definitely sounds like Zoe.’ I had never heard Zoe talk like this, so I had no idea whether it sounded like her or not. But I wanted to know, I wanted to be the kind of mother who rolled her eyes and laughed and said ‘that sounds like my Zoe’. If Keira noticed, she didn’t say anything. I watched her blow the smoke from her lips in a surprisingly graceful way. ‘Does Zoe smoke?’
Keira narrowed her eyes and then she smiled. ‘Yeah, Zoe introduced me to smoking.’
I nodded, suddenly feeling like maybe I didn’t want to know, after all. It felt like I was having to get to know my daughter through Keira, and I knew that Keira was all too aware of it.
‘What did you want to see me about, Mrs Hall? I haven’t heard from Zoe, if that’s your question. I’ve told you everything.’
‘No, I wanted to know about that video.’
‘Have you given it to the police?’
I nodded. ‘I had to, I had no choice.’
Keira didn’t say anything momentarily. ‘No, I suppose not. Do you get why I wanted you to see it first?’
‘Well, yes, in that there’s a lot of stuff on there that’s, um…’ I thought about it, choosing my words carefully. ‘Uncomfortable to watch.’ I shrugged my coat off, starting to feel too warm in the gated garden. ‘You mentioned Zoe appearing angry that day.’ I tried to keep my voice level. ‘Do you know why?’
‘No, I don’t.’ She stubbed out her cigarette on the ground with her trainer. ‘But I do know she felt like you were ignoring her.’
I nodded, guilt surfacing once again, and I felt a tear fall down my cheek.
Keira picked at the split in the knee on her skinny jeans. ‘Last week some time Zoe and I were here, actually. She was acting a bit odd.’
‘Odd how?’
‘Like talking all mysteriously.’
My heart quickened. ‘About what?’
‘She said something about following in your footsteps and how…’ Keira stopped abruptly.
‘Just say it, Keira.’
‘That if she ever had a daughter, she wouldn’t encourage her daughter to follow in her footsteps, not like she’s followed in yours.’
I jerk
ed my head in surprise. ‘Zoe? Follow in my footsteps? If she’s looked to anyone, especially of late, it’s her father.’
Keira nodded. ‘Yeah, okay, she finds it easier to talk to Mr Hall but I think she sometimes finds him a bit full-on.’
I pulled a face. ‘Hmmm.’ I glanced at her. ‘Did she say anything else?’
‘No, that’s what I mean; she was really vague and strange that day.’
‘When was this?’
‘On Monday afternoon. She went to some doctor’s appointment and then we met up here after college to plan our film project.’
‘Doctor’s appointment?’ I sat up straight, my body strung out with sudden tension.
‘Yeah, didn’t you know?’ Keira screwed up her nose. ‘She told me you were taking her?’
I shook my head. ‘No, I didn’t know anything about a doctor’s appointment.’ I nibbled on my lower lip. ‘Christ. How could I not have known about something like that? She didn’t mention what it was for?’
‘No, and I didn’t ask.’
‘You said she wasn’t feeling well on Friday – was it the same thing?’ I looked at my nails. This was much more serious than missing a parent-teacher conference. How could I not have known? Had Stephen known? Had he taken her? I looked at Keira. ‘I know you think I’m a bad mum, Keira, but I’m doing my best. I guess I’ve just been so wrapped up in…’ I paused. ‘Stuff.’ I thought of Stephen and my desperate need to escape him and run into the loving arms of Robert.
Keira was still watching me. She tapped the cigarette box on the arm of the bench.
I eventually broke the silence. ‘Tell me about the Truth or Dare game. Is it just for fun or is it for your college project?’
She nodded. ‘Well, like I said to you when we were in your office, we’ve been playing that game since we were, like, thirteen or something. Only, of course, as you get older the truths get harder to answer and the dares get more dangerous.’
I swallowed hard. ‘So you dared her to…’ I chose my word. ‘Talk to Jerry Wyre?’
Keira hung her head. ‘Yeah, that was my dare, but I never expected her to do it and I certainly didn’t dare her to, you know…’