Never Out of Sight

by Louise Stone

  ‘Flirt with him?’

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘So what did you expect her to do?’ I brought my hands together in a tight clasp, feeling suddenly nervous.

  ‘I expected her to tell me the truth.’

  ‘What was the question?’ I let out a slow, shaky breath.

  ‘I asked her if she could sleep with a guy, who would it be?’

  ‘And?’

  ‘As I say, she didn’t answer and chose to do the dare.’

  ‘Surely,’ I said, fighting to keep in control, ‘you two talk all the time, she would tell you stuff like that?’

  ‘You’d think so.’ Keira brushed angry tears away. ‘I thought we told each other everything, but then she changed. A few months ago she got all secretive about stuff, and I’ve often felt like she’s not really here when we’re talking.’

  Panic scratched at my throat and my hand involuntarily rubbed my neck. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Well, it’s like she’s so worried about stuff, and angry all the time.’ She looked at me. ‘Surely you’d noticed? Unless she’s only like that with me.’

  ‘Oh, no, no, Keira. I noticed,’ I lied. ‘She has changed a lot recently.’ I thought about what Stephen had said, how he had noticed she was quieter. How had I not noticed these things?

  My mind was running at high speed with images of older men – the ones she’d been messaging on the social networking site.

  Keira suddenly grabbed my hand and I looked at her, surprised. ‘Zoe just wants you to love her.’

  ‘Love her?’ I shook my head with sadness. ‘God, I love her so much. I wish we were closer. Did she question how much I love her? Is that why you’re saying that?’

  Keira withdrew her hand, remained silent.

  I couldn’t bear the thought that Zoe was out there somewhere and thinking I didn’t love her. Why hadn’t I told her? Why hadn’t I shown her more affection? At this moment, here in the park, where Zoe had clearly spent a lot of time, I felt further from my daughter than ever.

  ‘Thank you for the video, and for telling me that stuff.’ I stood and Keira got up, too. ‘It has opened my eyes.’

  She nodded.

  As I was speaking, a thought occurred to me. ‘Why did you lie to the police about keeping a copy?’

  ‘Because…’ Keira looked at the ground, scuffed the toe of her trainer in the gravel.

  ‘Because what, Keira? You wanted me to go to the police with it?’

  Keira looked up quickly. ‘No, no.’

  ‘Well, why then? You want to get Zoe into trouble? Why, Keira?’

  I could feel an invisible wall coming up between us and I knew that, if Keira was going to be honest with me, I had to keep her on side. But it was too late. I watched as the previous openness in Keira’s face disappeared.

  ‘Do you know where Zoe is?’ I asked and grabbed Keira by the shoulders, squeezing them tightly. Too tightly.

  ‘Ow, you’re hurting me.’ She shrugged me off and picked up her rucksack. ‘No, I don’t fucking know where she is. Even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you. It’s no wonder Zoe hates you so much.’ She looked me in the eyes. ‘I know about you and that student, about Robert. What kind of mother are you that you can sleep with someone who’s, like, closer to our age?’ She pulled a face.

  I hung my head, unspeaking, tears burning my eyes.

  ‘Did you tell Zoe?’ I asked, too afraid to hear the answer.

  ‘No, I didn’t.’ She paled with anger. ‘I saw you two the night Zoe disappeared. I was actually coming here, wondering if Zoe might have made her way here, too, since she had bunked off college. Then I see you walking down the street with that guy. You couldn’t keep your hands off him.’

  Inwardly, I smarted. Had I had my hands all over him? I couldn’t remember that, but I knew I had felt more relaxed with him on Friday night than normal.

  ‘There’s nothing going on,’ I said, looking up. ‘He’s one of my DPhil students; I’m helping out with his research. He’s a bit behind.’

  She rolled her eyes. ‘Please. I saw you through the restaurant window; no way is he just your student.’ She stopped momentarily. ‘You want to know if Zoe knows about you and that guy, why don’t you read her diary? Didn’t stop you before.’

  With that, she turned on her heels and walked fast towards the door. I watched her exit the enclosed garden and I sat, suddenly feeling more alone than I ever had before. What had my life come to that I was sitting in a park by myself having been told that my own daughter hated me? Once I had started crying, I couldn’t stop. My shoulders shook uncontrollably and, as a cloud moved over the sun, I shivered, and drew my coat around my body. I closed my eyes and spoke a silent prayer to Zoe, telling her how much I loved her, how I would do anything for her. The sun came out again and I took it as a sign that she had heard me. Deciding to make the most of my freedom, I closed my eyes again, the sun warming my skin. Another shadow moved across its path and I slowly and reluctantly decided it was time to move.

  Then I saw his shoes. Robert was standing above me, the sun creating a sort of halo effect around his head.

  ‘Frey,’ he said smiling. ‘I found you.’

  I jumped and, trying to pull myself together, I sat up straight. It was impossible to ignore the sound of my heart drumming in my ears. ‘You scared me.’ I gave him a small, shaky smile back. ‘Were you following me?’

  ‘I told you I’d find you. Budge up.’ He gestured to the bench and I shuffled to the side.

  ‘I should probably go,’ I said, trying to let go of his hand, hoping he hadn’t noticed how sweaty my palm was.

  ‘I thought you were coming to find me anyway. Now I’ve saved you the bother.’ He tilted my face towards his using his forefinger. He was so gentle it caused tears to form, once again, and I held my breath, willing myself not to cry.

  ‘Oh, Frey, come here.’ He drew me into him and I clung to him, despite knowing it was wrong. I inhaled the scent of cologne and soap from his skin and allowed myself a second’s respite from the craziness of reality.

  I allowed my body to melt into his but as soon as an image of Zoe flashed into my mind, I felt myself tense and disentangled myself.

  ‘Oh, Frey. What’s up? I hate seeing you like this.’ His voice was ridiculously kind. I didn’t deserve anyone’s kindness. ‘So,’ he said and met my gaze, ‘who was that you were talking to?’

  ‘Just a friend of Zo,’ I said quietly. ‘Her best friend, in fact.’

  ‘Is she okay? She must be finding it tough. She looked pretty distraught.’

  ‘Yeah.’ I thought about our parting words, about her knowledge of my relationship with Robert, but something prevented me from telling him. A niggling doubt about Robert’s controlled calmness was eating away at me, but I couldn’t pinpoint why. It then occurred to me that, in some sense, I was drawing some comfort from the fact that he hadn’t known who Keira was because that seemed to me to confirm he didn’t know Zoe either. My irrational fears about him and Zoe, and the tattoo she probably didn’t have, were finally laid to rest.

  He nodded and tightened his hold on me. His embrace was firm, caring, almost claustrophobic. I felt my pulse skip a beat but I wasn’t sure why I was suddenly feeling on edge again.

  ‘As much as I don’t want to, I really should get back. The detective thought I was just popping into the office briefly before heading home.’

  ‘Why would he think that? Where had you been?’ He raised a brow.

  ‘He took me to the police station. He wanted to speak to me. Ask me a couple of questions.’

  ‘What was he asking you about?’

  I glanced at him. ‘That girl you just saw, Keira, showed me a video of Zoe behaving… well, behaving badly. A while back she had told me that this older guy had made a pass at her, so I went and told him in no uncertain terms to stay away from my daughter. But now it seems the video tells a different story about what was going on.’

  ‘What was going on?’


  ‘I don’t know what to believe. But if it’s not true, it’s a pretty extreme lie.’

  ‘Obviously I don’t know your daughter,’ he soothed, ‘ but when you’re young you sometimes do and say things to get attention.’ He smiled. ‘I remember once telling my mum I had shoplifted. She inevitably went mental and then I had to tell her it was all a lie. She asked me why I came up with such a far-fetched story and I told her’ – he paused, kissing me on the top of my head – ‘that I just wanted her to pay me more attention.’

  I felt the onset of a pounding headache. ‘What did she say to that?’

  ‘She was shocked and upset. Naturally, I suppose.’ He squeezed my knee. ‘But it was all fine in the end.’

  ‘And your mother, did she pay you more attention after that?’

  ‘Yes, she did, and maybe I shot myself in the foot because, not only did she pay me more attention, she totally ruined any street cred I had by picking me up from school every day and so on.’ He let out a short laugh. ‘Be careful what you wish for!’

  ‘You see,’ I said, growing emotional again, ‘I should have been there for Zoe. I thought I had sorted it by confronting the guy but now I’m wondering if it was actually a cry for help?’ Huge, salty tears slid down my cheeks and landed on my lip. ‘God, it’s taken Zoe going missing for me to realise how bad a mother I am.’

  Robert let out a long, slow breath. ‘It’s my fault. I should never have persuaded you to spend quite as much time with me as you have been. The thing is,’ he paused, his eyes dancing, ‘I’m bloody addicted to you, woman. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me.’

  ‘You’re twenty-five!’

  He put his hand up. ‘Let me finish. I want to help you find Zoe. I want to because I love you and maybe one day,’ he smiled at me, ‘maybe one day we can be together and Zoe can stay with us. Hell, she could live with us if she wanted to! We could have this’ – he moved his hand between us – ‘all the time. Imagine?’

  My eyes widened. ‘Are you serious?’

  ‘Yes.’ He took both my hands. ‘I love you, and I can’t stand to see you suffering like this.’ He looked at me with such tenderness, I thought I could literally feel my heart breaking with happiness.

  ‘I’d love that,’ I said quietly. ‘I’d love it even more if Zoe could accept me. Accept us.’

  ‘She would!’ He grinned. ‘She will!’

  ‘I love your certainty about life. It’s only when you get to my age you don’t have such a positive outlook.’

  ‘No…’ He took both my hands now and drew me to my feet, his eyes searching mine. ‘Now you don’t have a positive outlook because you’re not treated as you should be by your husband. I get it.’ He nodded. ‘You’re scared of the what ifs, of the unknown, but I can assure you I will stay with you for as long as I live.’

  I sniffed back more tears. ‘I just want Zoe back safe. I would give up everything for that.’

  He nodded. ‘And she will be back, I feel it.’ He smiled at me and kissed me softly on my lips.

  I returned the gesture and for the briefest moment I remembered why I needed Robert in my life.

  ‘Listen, I don’t want you to get upset and worry,’ he said, his mood growing serious. ‘I wasn’t sure whether to show this to you or not…’

  ‘What? What is it? What are you talking about?’ The anxious feelings had returned and the bliss of his lips on mine disappeared just as fast.

  He felt around in his back pocket. ‘So, someone put this through my door, back at my house. I found it on my way out, and I think somebody must have seen us and put two and two together.’

  I snatched the piece of paper he held in front of me and read, the words swimming before me.

  STAY AWAY FROM FREYA HALL

  Hysteria surged through my body. I was so shaken I found myself letting out a high-pitched moan.

  ‘Freya?’ he asked, frowning, drawing me into him. ‘Listen, like I said, I’m sure it’s just someone causing trouble, a student who’s got a crush on you… or maybe Dr Jenson? You’re always saying how she’s been after your job since she joined the department.’ He looked down, and wouldn’t meet my eyes when he offered his final suggestion. ‘Maybe your husband found out.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. If Stephen knew, he wouldn’t send you a note. Can’t you see what it means?’ My voice cracked with stress. ‘It means someone definitely knows about us.’ I thought about Keira, but why would she have sent this if she had been planning to confront me face to face? But who was it? ‘It means, Rob, someone knows about us and isn’t happy.’ My hand was shaking as I gripped the note.

  ‘Well, do you have any idea who might know about us?’ He studied me, deep concern etched across his features. ‘Shit, I knew I shouldn’t have shown this to you.’

  ‘No, I’m glad you did. I need to take this to the police. I think it’s that farmer, the guy I confronted about making a pass at Zoe. Who else could it be?’ My legs had gone weak and threatened to give way. ‘What if he has her, Robert? What if he’s done something awful to her?’ I buried my head in his chest, wishing the ground would swallow me up, take me away from it all.

  ‘Okay, well the best thing, as you say, is to take this note to the police.’

  I nodded. ‘Yes, I’ll go now. I need to take it to the police. I’ll have to tell the detective about us.’ I thought about the broken home Zoe would be returning to if the detective told Stephen. We were basically over anyway – after our last argument, it was hard to see how we could patch things up even for Zoe’s last two years at home. But there was still the fact that, if it became known I was sleeping with a student whose DPhil I was supervising, I would likely face a disciplinary hearing; I might even lose my job. Robert could sense my hesitation.

  He took a step backwards. ‘I thought you said it was Stephen who cared about appearances?’ He paused. ‘But maybe, in fact, it’s you.’

  He turned to go and I grabbed his arm. ‘Robert, I could lose my job, my research grants. It’s not about Stephen.’

  ‘Which is worse, losing your job or your daughter?’

  I hung my head. ‘Of course Zoe’s more important. Of course I’m going to take it to Detective Carter.’ But I couldn’t help feeling sick at the thought of losing everything I had worked so hard to achieve – my career, my reputation, my funding. As had become so crystal clear to me over the past couple of days, my job was the only thing I was good at.

  10

  I walked across the park, away from the walled garden, the note burning a hole in my pocket.

  I tightened the belt on my coat and braced myself against the sudden chill in the air. Quickly checking my phone, I realised I had been gone for hours… and there were ten missed calls from our home phone and a voicemail. Clamping the phone to my ear, I listened to Stephen’s voice and realised I felt nothing. I didn’t even care enough to tell him I was okay.

  ‘Freya, it’s Stephen. Carter’s here, wondering where you are. Apparently, you left the station ages ago. Don’t make their job harder than it already is, okay? Just come home.’

  I walked to the nearest bus stop and checked the timetable. My mind tried to filter all the information. I still hadn’t been able to get a straight answer from Stephen about why the police had been questioning him for so long on Saturday night – there was a simple explanation for the pictures of Zoe on his computer, so it couldn’t have been that. Could it have had something to do with whatever money he was paying the woman he was having an affair with? What possible reason could he have for kidnapping his own daughter? The thought was paralysing and caused my breaths to come in shallow bursts, as if someone was holding my head under water for seconds at a time.

  After a few minutes, the number fifty-two came to a standstill and I boarded.

  ‘Single to Chilcote, please.’

  I fumbled in my bag for my purse and popped the change on the tray before sitting towards the back of the bus. For a moment, I allowed my heavy lids to close and let my
head fall back on the seat rest. The bus’s engine started up and we moved off through the dense Oxford traffic. I opened my eyes briefly and glanced outside as I tried to imagine what different individuals’ day-to-day lives entailed. Did many people carry the weight of secrets as dark as mine with them?

  My gaze skipped over the passers-by as the bus rumbled on and I was just about to close my eyes again, giving in to sleep, when I saw her.

  She was there at a bus stop, her back to the bus.

  Her dark, glossy hair glinted in the sunshine and, as the bus’s doors started to close again, I jumped up and pushed the bell to alert the driver.

  ‘Stop, I need to get off!’ I shouted, pushing past the people standing in the central aisle, my foot catching on the wheels of a buggy. The driver opened the door once more for me and I stumbled off the step. I ran to Zoe and touched her on the shoulder.

  ‘Zo!’

  Zoe turned around: only it wasn’t her.

  ‘Can I help you?’ said the girl.

  ‘Oh,’ I choked back a sob, ‘I thought you were someone else. Sorry. I thought I saw my daughter.’

  She raised her brows and moved away from me.

  I felt as if I had been kicked in the stomach. I had to sit down on a bench for a few minutes before I could breathe normally again.

  My phone buzzed in my bag and I answered, without looking at the caller ID.

  ‘Freya, where the hell are you?’ It was Stephen.

  ‘Coming home,’ I said flatly.

  ‘Where the heck have you been?’

  ‘I said I’m coming home.’ I went to cut the call but Stephen stopped me.

  ‘Wait. The reason I’m ringing is because someone’s vandalised our cars.’

  My heart stopped. ‘What?’

  Our cars were parked up the road, away from the house, where we rented parking spaces at extortionate monthly prices. It was either that or battle to park on the street outside our own house every morning and evening.

  ‘Yeah,’ Stephen continued, ‘some sickos probably saw us on the news and spray-painted a load of weird stuff on our cars.’

  ‘What do you mean? Weird stuff?’ As I spoke I boarded the next bus that would take me to Chilcote and, for the second time that day, handed over my fare.