Never Out of Sight

by Louise Stone

  ‘Right, Freya,’ he said, sitting down and rubbing his eyes. ‘How can I help?’

  ‘The student I’m seeing, Robert Malhoney, he met Zoe at a party a few months ago. He knew her, Detective.’

  ‘Okay,’ he nodded slowly. ‘Is there more?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Go on.’ He sat back in his chair, gulped down half of his water.

  ‘Robert met Zoe at a party. Four weeks later she had an abortion.’

  Time slowed and my head began to swim. I’d finally said it out loud. I suspected my toyboy lover of having got my teenage daughter pregnant. I felt sick.

  ‘So you think he may be in some way involved with Zoe’s disappearance?’

  ‘I don’t know, I don’t think so, but I’m not sure about anything any more.’ I paused. ‘I think you should question him.’

  ‘Your daughter was how old when she got pregnant?’

  ‘Fifteen! That’s why I’m telling you this. Even if it wasn’t Robert, whoever got her pregnant, it was statutory rape! We both know she liked older guys.’ I looked at him, waiting. ‘Don’t you think this information is relevant?’

  ‘Possibly.’ He nodded. ‘We’ll certainly take it forward.’

  Hysteria started to bubble up inside me. ‘I’m not sure you’re taking me seriously. I want you to speak to Robert. The sickening thing is, Detective, I think I’ve been sleeping with the man who got my daughter pregnant. Whether or not this is why Zoe has disappeared, I don’t know, but I do know she was fifteen when she got pregnant and, for that reason alone, I’m asking you to look into it.’ My voice had risen to a crescendo. I paused. ‘To take me seriously.’ My hand flew to my mouth as another sob escaped. My mind kept flicking through images of Robert, as though watching an old cinema reel: Robert kissing my lips, his hands on my body, his tenderness when he told me he loved me.

  Exhaustion took hold of me and I looked at Carter.

  ‘The thing is…’ I started and stopped, almost embarrassed at my own naivety. I paused, almost too beaten to continue. ‘I think Zoe has run away because she felt we weren’t there for her.’ I frowned. ‘I’ll never be able to make that better but I can give you all the information I have.’ I looked at him, my voice pleading. ‘Please, Detective, whatever you have to do. Speak to Robert.’

  25

  I walked slowly down the station steps and realised I had nowhere to go. I couldn’t go home; the only place I felt safe was my office, surrounded by the books and certificates that gave me some sort of identity other than being Stephen’s wife.

  Making my way across Oxford, I walked head down, heading towards my office, but without any sense of purpose or efficiency. I felt the energy drain out of me, so I stopped and bought a coffee, and sat for a while, marvelling at the speed with which my entire world had fallen down around my ears. I don’t know how long I sat there, but when I got up I was stiff and it was dark.

  I started walking again. As soon as I saw my college building, I picked up my pace and moved quickly over the dewy grass, feverishly gripping the keys in my pocket. I reached the door, and realised it was already open. I looked over my shoulder and walked inside, my heart thumping furiously.

  As I stepped into the old college building, I heard someone behind me. I tried to control my breathing, concentrating on treading softly.

  ‘Hi, Freya,’ came a voice, and I jumped before quickly realising it was my colleague Dr Helen Jenson. She had been vying for my job since arriving at the university.

  ‘Hi, Helen, I didn’t expect to see you here at this hour.’ I turned to face her and smiled.

  ‘I was walking past and noticed the door was wide open. Just checked the grounds, everything is pitch black.’ She pointed up the stairs. ‘So I’m sure it was just Mick forgetting to shut up properly. He was the last here.’ She eyed me with false concern. ‘How you holding up?’

  I nodded slowly. ‘Stephen and I are just taking each day… no, hour, really… as it comes.’

  ‘Stupid question to ask.’ She paused, a strange smile playing on her lips. ‘And listen, I’m sorry about everything.’ She blinked. ‘I personally thought the decision was harsh but I guess you weren’t that surprised.’

  I creased my brow. ‘What? What are you talking about? What decision?’

  She looked at me; triumph flickered in her eyes. ‘Oh, I thought Mick had already spoken to you?’

  ‘About what?’ I said, my heart fluttering.

  ‘About the impending investigation. We had an emergency meeting only an hour or so ago. Apparently, a student reported you for indecent behaviour.’

  My head started to spin. ‘Indecent behaviour?’

  ‘Yes, a Robert…’ She pretended to wrack her brain. ‘Robert Malhoney, the second-year doctoral candidate. Aren’t you his supervisor? Anyway, I’m sure Mick will have a long talk with you.’ She patted my hand. ‘Hang in there. We’re all thinking of you.’

  I watched her as she made her way towards the exit, my face twitching with unshed tears, and then started to climb the stairs to my office. I was losing everything, and I only had myself to blame…

  Carter must have spoken with him already. He would have known the accusation had come from me. I guess I couldn’t blame him for lashing out by reporting our affair to the dean.

  The corridor was eerily quiet and I felt my way along the wall to the lamp on my desk and flicked it on. I couldn’t bear a bright light right now. Its warm orange glow made the room feel momentarily cosy but, as I peered out into the dark corridor, an icy dread moved through me. I couldn’t shake off the feeling that someone’s eyes were on me, but surely I had seen Helen leave? No, I realised, it was my imagination playing tricks on me.

  I shut the door quickly and went to lock it, when I saw an envelope on the floor. Picking it up, I saw that, like the last one, it was printed rather than handwritten. What did I have left to lose, I thought.

  Freya, here is the final instalment of Zoe’s story. She hopes you finally understand how much she needed you and yet you weren’t there for her. She needed her mother and because of your selfish ways she had no one.

  Dear Diary,

  I went to a party with Keira. I made her go. She didn’t really want to and, to be honest, nor did I, except for one reason: Robert Malhoney, the guy my mum’s having her sordid affair with, was going to be there. We drank a lot – I needed to for Dutch courage – and then I don’t know why but I started flirting with him. I think it’s because I wanted to see what he was like, see why Mum has ignored her family for all this time. He was okay, quite nice, I guess, but he wasn’t at all interested in me, which made me angry. I mean it’s gross to think of someone that age finding my mother more attractive. Anyway, I got cross and started saying stuff to him but he told me I wasn’t making any sense and he called a taxi for me. I tried to get him to kiss me, I even pushed his hands into my top, but he said it was wrong and that I should go home. He waited with me for this taxi and I gave the driver Keira’s address. Robert left and, just as the driver was about to drive away, one of Robert’s friends got in and said he wanted to go with me wherever I was going. I was angry and thought, why not? I told the driver to take us to the park, the one with the secret garden that Keira and I go to. The driver was about to ask questions, I could tell, but this guy pretended to be my boyfriend and that was that. I have to be honest, I don’t remember much after that.

  I looked up from the note and peered out into the darkness. I was sure I had heard a floorboard creak. I couldn’t see anything and I looked back down at the note in my hands.

  I couldn’t believe it; the words swam before my eyes. Robert had been telling the truth. I shivered as I stared out at the darkness. What had I done? I had lost everything.

  I turned, walked quickly to my desk and picked up the phone. I needed to speak to Robert. I dialled his number quickly and waited. He picked up on the second ring, his voice cool and unfamiliarly stony.

  ‘Robert, I’m sorry,’ I blurted, ‘I
’m so sorry that I didn’t trust you.’

  ‘It’s a little late for apologies, Freya.’ He paused. ‘I loved you so much and you just kept rejecting me.’

  ‘I didn’t!’ My voice grew shrill. ‘I didn’t mean to reject you. I was scared and I didn’t know who to believe, but I know it’s not you.’

  ‘Freya, the police have been around here questioning me. It’s too late for sorry. I’ve told the dean about us, and it’s all over.’ The phone filled with silence. ‘Just concentrate on finding your daughter and leave me alone.’

  He hung up and I threw the phone on the table, my shoulders slumping over the desk as I tried desperately to draw breath through my sobs.

  I gasped as I caught a glimpse of a shadow passing the entrance to my office. I brought my head up quickly and jumped as my office door slammed shut.

  26

  I ran to the door and pulled it wide open, my heart beating thunderously in my chest.

  ‘Hello?’ I called into the darkness. ‘Is somebody there? Robert?’

  I swallowed hard. I knew the overhead light switch was just off to my right and I slowly felt my way along the wall, bathing the beautiful old stone walls in harsh fluorescent lighting.

  My hand flew to my mouth as I scanned the communal area. Someone had taken red spray paint and written in large letters across the far wall and down the corridor. I couldn’t make it out but I walked fast towards the start of the message, my entire body trembling as my eyes followed the trail of red paint. I realised the initial words were dry; perhaps I had walked past them earlier in the dark? Then I thought of Helen; surely she would have spotted the graffiti? Then I remembered she had found the door open and come to lock up: that didn’t mean she had entered the building.

  Keira. Keira had spray-painted our cars. I had to catch her and get her to clean it up. My mind went into overriding panic wondering how I would get rid of the paint before anyone saw it. I had to fight for my job in the morning; I couldn’t have them see the trail of destruction I was bringing to the college.

  Robert and Freya

  Sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s

  I moved along the wall and through a door, my mind spinning with the possibility of who was at the end of the message and where it would end. If it was Keira, then this had gone too far.

  i-n-g

  Forgotten all about her family

  First comes deceit

  I read as I started to make my way down the stairs, my eyes flitting from the words on the wall to the spiralling staircase. Every now and then I looked behind me, expecting to be attacked from any angle.

  Second comes betrayal

  I stood for a second gulping back tears as the hate from the message taunted me from every section of the ancient college walls.

  Third comes the reason

  you’ve been receiving

  hate mail

  I put my hand up to the paint. This section was damp; it had only just been written and I took my hand, now covered in red paint, and dragged it down the wall as I walked further. My eyes darted down the stairs and then upwards, searching for any sign of life, but there was nothing, no movement. I knew I was being watched. I could feel it. My body shook and my skin crawled with goosebumps.

  ‘Hello?’ I said, my voice cracking with fear. ‘Come out, whoever you are.’

  Nothing.

  ‘I don’t know why you hate me so much,’ I whimpered, now pinning myself up against the wall. ‘Please. I know what I did was wrong but I never meant to hurt anybody.’

  Then I caught sight of an envelope taped to the stone. I slithered along the wall to retrieve it, my hand fumbling to rip it off. I ripped it open, my hand shaking so much I could barely read the text.

  Freya, here we are. The story ends. Your time is up. This is where your secret comes out and everybody finds out how many people you’ve let down.

  Meet me in the secret garden.. You have until eleven p.m, or you will never see Zoe again.

  I gasped, looked at my watch. It read 10.51. It took at least a quarter of an hour to get there, and with the gates locked at dusk, I’d have to find a place to climb over the railings. Without thinking I ran down the stairs, the letter in my hand, and sprinted out of the college door. I stumbled on the step to the building and fell onto my knees. Quickly I rose, ignoring the pain, and moved as fast as I could go over the college green, through the back streets of Oxford city centre and past the Bodleian Library. As I ran, my lungs burned with the cold autumn air but I knew I couldn’t slow my pace. I used the street light outside the library to check my watch again.

  10.59.

  No! It would take me at least two minutes to run across the park. My shoe caught on the sharp edge of a cobble and I flew forward, my whole body crashing to the ground. I lay there for a millisecond as I realised what had happened, my cheek resting against the gritty road.

  A man walking his dog saw me and ran over.

  ‘Jesus, are you okay?’

  I was sobbing as I pulled myself up. ‘I need to go.’

  ‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ He peered at me and then glanced in alarm at the red on my hands, which was now smeared over my clothes. I nodded, limping forward.

  ‘Yes, I have to go, thank you.’ I jogged a few paces forward, my knees red hot with pain, and then glancing at my watch I saw that it was now 11.01.

  The man came after me and put his hand on my shoulder. ‘Listen, you’re clearly not in a fit state…’

  I didn’t let him finish and brushed his hand off angrily. Not having time to explain, I ran again and bit down hard on my lip so that I could focus on that pain and ignore the throbbing in my knees.

  I arrived at the park fence and clambered over. I could just make out the blue door in the distance; the nearby college building’s windows lit up the park, a blanket of mist sitting just above the ground.

  The wet grass soaked my shoes and the muddy ground made it difficult to find traction. As I neared the door, I prayed it wouldn’t be too late. I didn’t know who or what to expect on the other side. I just knew I had to get there and I had to bring Zoe back safely. I was her mother and I loved her. It was all that mattered now.

  As I reached the door, I drew a deep breath through my nose and with a trembling hand pushed the door open. I walked very slowly forward, readying myself for an attack.

  I turned my head towards the bench where I had last seen Robert. There was no one there.

  ‘Hello?’ I said softly into the night. ‘Is there someone there?’

  I took out my phone and turned on its torch, shining it at the bench. I noticed the embers of a cigarette and once again my mind flashed to Keira.

  ‘Keira? If you’re there, please come out. There’s no need for all this.’

  Then, as the light bounced off the furthest wall, I saw the now-familiar red spray paint. I walked forward, the light held out in front of me, and as I neared the wall the words grew clearer.

  Truth or Dare

  My breath caught. ‘Keira?’ I called more loudly now. ‘Stop this at once.’

  I choked on my tears and rushed forward to the writing. Once again the red came away on my hands and I spread it across my face as I wiped my tears away. There was an envelope stuck to the wall and I tore it off, opening it fast.

  Who do you love more, your daughter or your lover? Truth or Dare.

  ‘Truth!’ I shouted, turning in a full circle, my eyes catching glimmers of shadows through the blur of my tears. ‘I love Zoe more than I will ever, did ever, love Robert!’

  Then my mind was hit by another thought: what if it was Robert out there in the dark? By admitting I loved Zoe more, was I putting myself in danger? I backed up towards the wall, my eyes constantly scanning the gloomy outline of shrubs and trees.

  ‘Robert?’ I asked. ‘Is that you? Is this some sort of test? You know I love you, Robert, but I love my daughter in an entirely different way. She is a part of me.’

  I held my torch up once again and it caught sigh
t of more words on the opposite wall. Dread flowed through my veins as I stepped tentatively forward.

  Truth or Dare. I dare you to look behind you.

  27

  I froze as I heard the cracking of twigs underfoot and somebody’s breathing behind me, heavy and laboured.

  Swallowing hard, my heart racing, I turned, my eyes following the light from my phone’s trajectory. I gasped, my heart wrung out with fear and disbelief.

  I thought my eyes were deceiving me.

  ‘Zoe!’ I screamed. She stood in front of me, her glossy, dark mane glinting in the light, and I ran towards her, bringing her into a firm embrace. ‘Oh, my God, oh, my God,’ I kept mumbling into her hair. ‘You’re alive, you’re okay.’ I held her at arm’s length. ‘Where have you been? Who did all this? Are they here? Have they harmed you in any way?’ My questions fell out of my mouth in a kind of nonsensical torrent and I didn’t stop until I noticed Zoe wasn’t moving; she showed no sign of emotion.

  I shook her hard and she just stared at me as though I was a stranger. ‘Zoe, are you okay? Have they done something to you?’

  She started to laugh and I let my hands drop to my side. ‘What’s going on?’ I was filled with a cold bewilderment as I watched my daughter’s face twist with hysteria. She was finally in front of me and, after everything I had been through, she still felt like a stranger to me.

  ‘It was me. I did this.’

  I gaped at her. ‘You? You were behind all of this?’ I shook my head in disbelief, a sick feeling rising through me. ‘I thought Keira…’ My words trailed off. ‘Keira told me she had written some of the notes.’

  Zoe snorted, looked at me mockingly. ‘Keira does what I tell her. She agreed that you and Robert were disgusting, but you don’t actually think she would have done all that stuff without me? Without me showing her my diary, without being there for me in the months of hell I’ve been through?’ She inched closer to me. ‘Do you know what I’ve been through?’

  I let out a moan and flinched as if I was about to be hit. ‘I’m sorry, Zoe. I really am sorry. I had no idea that you needed me as much as you did. You’ve always been so distant from me and I thought you didn’t need me.’ I paused. ‘I realise now how wrong I was…’ My eyes implored her. ‘Please, forgive me. Please, let’s somehow get over this.’