Deep Water

by Lu Hersey

  You don’t meet many people out at this time in the morning. I only see one dog walker on my way. I widen the search beyond anywhere I’ve ever known her to park, until the drizzle penetrates my clothes and I start to feel cold. I walk slowly back home.

  I’m glad I left the TV on. The place feels less empty.

  Dad calls again.

  “I’m on my way, love. Just checking she’s not back yet.”

  “No, she’s not.”

  “And she still hasn’t called?”

  “No.”

  He doesn’t say anything for a minute. I wonder if he was hoping he wouldn’t have to come.

  “Okay, won’t be long.”

  “Thanks for coming, Dad.”

  “Don’t be daft. Like I said, it’ll be great to see you!”

  In different circumstances, I’d be looking forward to seeing him too.

  The phone rings at seven, and this time I’m sure it’s going to be Mum. It’s not. It’s Levi asking if I want to take Cheryl to nursery with him on our way to school. School? I hadn’t even thought about it. I tell him about Mum.

  Twenty minutes later Levi is at the door with Cheryl in her pushchair. He’s looking worried.

  “Danni? Have you called the police?”

  I shake my head. Levi rarely takes things seriously. He’s making me panic again.

  “Have you called anyone? Her friends maybe?”

  “Just Dad. He’s on his way.”

  “Has he called the police?”

  “Don’t think so.”

  “Well my mum reckons you should call them. Just in case. Listen, I’ve got to take Cheryl to nursery now. Call me later. I want to know everything’s okay.”

  “Thanks, Levi.”

  “I’ll tell the school what’s happened. But you’d better call them as well if you get a chance.” He smiles. “Try not to worry, Danni. I know you will, but she’s probably fine, okay?”

  I attempt to smile back. He walks away and I watch him pushing Cheryl up the road until they turn the corner, wondering what number you call for the police if it isn’t an emergency. Or maybe it is an emergency?

  I close the front door.

  The phone rings again and I answer immediately.

  The woman sounds official.

  “Is that Danielle Lancaster?” My heart starts racing.

  “Yes, I’m Danni. Who’s that?” My voice is shaking.

  “Hello, Danni. This is PC Barnes calling from Graymouth Police Station.” She sounds super friendly, so I’m convinced it must be bad news. I can hear the blood rushing round my eardrums.

  “Is your father with you yet?”

  “No, but he should be here soon.” I feel like I can’t breathe.

  “Okay, Danni, now try not to worry. Your father has informed us that your mother may be missing. I’m calling to let you know that we haven’t any information about her yet – but that’s generally a good thing. If she’d been in any kind of accident, we’d be likely to know.”

  But what if someone’s killed her? Would they tell me now, or wait until Dad’s here? The policewoman’s still talking.

  “If she doesn’t turn up in the next few hours, we’ll send an officer round to talk to you and Mr Lancaster, okay, Danni? As you’re under sixteen we need to make sure someone’s responsible for your care.”

  “Thanks.” It feels so weird that there’s a policewoman talking to me. Somehow what she’s saying doesn’t seem real.

  “Meanwhile, perhaps you could find us a recent picture of your mum to help with our investigation?”

  “Okay.” The hall seems to be getting darker. I think I’m going to faint.

  “We’ll come round at about midday if we haven’t heard from you.”

  “I’ll tell Dad.” My voice comes out as a stupid squeak.

  “Please let us know if she comes back in the meantime, won’t you?”

  “Yes of course.” I just want her to get off the phone so I can try to breathe, but PC Barnes insists I write down her number in case I need to contact her.

  At last she’s satisfied that I know what to do and I can put the phone down. I sit on the chair in the hall, unable to move for several minutes. My mind’s whirring.

  So Dad called the police. He must have done it straight after he last called me. Which means that now he’s worried too.

  I pace up and down, trying to think. I can’t help imagining all the worst case scenarios.

  After a while I go to the kitchen and pour myself some cereal to pass the time. I don’t know why. I don’t feel like eating, and the crunching sounds too loud in my head when I try. I give up and empty the cereal into the bin. All the while I keep an eye on the time. Everything seems to have slowed down.

  I wonder if I should phone the school, but decide to focus on finding a recent picture of Mum first. There are a couple of photo albums on the bookshelves in the alcove in the front room. The photos won’t be recent because we don’t get many printed these days, but it’s all I can think of. I move my swimming trophies out of the way and pull the albums down.

  In one of them there’s a series of pictures of me on the beach with both Mum and Dad. I wonder who took them since we’re all in them. Must have been one of Dad’s relatives. Mum doesn’t have family. I’m about five in the photos. Mum and Dad don’t look very happy. Probably just before they split. The colours are a bit faded as the prints are so old.

  Apart from that, it’s nearly all pictures of me at various ages. Some at school, some with friends. Lots of me at swimming galas. There’s one of Levi with an afro. I remember his mum moaning about it and making him have it cut. No recent pictures of Mum though. I take out one of the beach photos and look at it more closely. You can make out Mum’s dark brown eyes and her wispy fair hair. I guess she still looks like that, just a bit older. I wish I’d taken more pictures of her.

  If she comes back, I definitely will.

  When she comes back. I must try to stay positive.

  I stare out of the front room window, thinking of all the detective programmes Mum likes watching. Maybe the police will want to know what dentist she goes to? They always check dental records against unidentified corpses. I shudder and turn away from the window. I can’t think about things like that. She hasn’t been gone that long. Like Dad said, she’s probably fine.

  Some chef on TV is talking about his new book on Italian cooking.

  I think back over the last conversation I had with Mum. I’m almost positive she didn’t say anything about it being her day off yesterday. I’m about to call her work again to double-check, but the doorbell rings just as I’m going to the phone. I run to open it.

  chapter 3

  “Dad!”

  Dad looks really pleased to see me. I throw myself at him and we hug for a moment. A familiar smell of incense wafts from his clothing and fills my nostrils. Then I notice.

  “Dad? What have you done to your hair?”

  Last time I saw him, his hair was mousy brown. And not in dreads.

  “Thought I’d dye it.”

  “Okay…but why orange?”

  My attention is diverted by a flurry of excited barking coming from Dad’s car.

  “Better let Jackson out before he injures himself,” I say.

  Dad’s Jack Russell is bouncing up and down trying to see out of the window, and barking like a maniac. The car is a decrepit-looking Ford estate, which some previous owner once hand painted a nasty, lurid pink. Dad bought it at an auction a couple of years ago, amazed that no one else even bid for it.

  We let Jackson out and the little black and white dog jumps up at me excitedly. I’m really pleased he remembers me.

  Dad puts on Jackson’s lead. “Do you think Mum will mind me bringing him into the house?”

  “She’s not here, Dad, so she won’t even know.”

  I can see he’s worried. He looks up and down the street as if he’s checking Mum’s not about to come round the corner. I don’t like to tell him she’d be
far angrier about him being in the house than Jackson. I’m just glad he obviously thinks she’s still alive.

  Dad shifts uneasily in his chair as he looks round the room. He hasn’t been here for a long time. I think back to our conversation on the phone. He seemed so calm about it all while we were talking, as if it wasn’t unusual for Mum to vanish for no reason.

  “Dad, did Mum ever do this before, when you were together?”

  “Well, you know how it was, Danni. I probably annoyed her…”

  It’s true. He did.

  “But yes, she went a couple of times without saying anything. Came back the next day…”

  I think about it for a minute. From what I remember, Mum and Dad used to row all the time. She probably just wanted to get away from him for a bit. But Mum and I rarely fall out. We’ve been arguing more since I told her I wanted to stop competitive swimming, but that’s only because she always thinks she knows what’s best for me. It’s not the same as her and Dad.

  “I think something really bad has happened this time, Dad.” It’s almost a relief to voice my fear out loud.

  “Give her a chance, Danni. No news is good news.”

  But if he really believed that, he wouldn’t have called the police.

  There’s nothing to do but wait. I can’t stand the tension of being in the house any longer.

  “Dad, the police aren’t coming until midday. Let’s take Jackson out for a walk or something. I’m going mad sitting here.”

  Jackson hears the word “walk” and races to the front door. Dad picks up his lead. Looks like Dad can’t wait to get out either.

  We walk round to the park and throw sticks for Jackson for a while. It’s getting on for eleven when I think about Mum’s work again. I suggest we call in before we go back, and Dad thinks it’s a good idea.

  It’s only when we get to the supermarket, I realize I was half hoping Mum would be here, working as usual, and she’d make some feeble excuse for not contacting me. Of course she’s not. As Dad and I stand in the store talking to her colleague, Hayley, I begin to think coming here was probably a mistake.

  For a start, Hayley isn’t concentrating on what I’m saying. She’s too busy staring at Dad, transfixed by his ripped vintage Sex Pistols T-shirt and the orange dreads. Admittedly anyone who knows Mum is going to be surprised meeting Dad. They could be from two different planets.

  When Hayley realizes I’m asking about Mum, she’s suddenly all concerned. Mum hasn’t called the store either and they were expecting her here for the 10–4 shift today.

  “It’s not like her not to call, is it? I hope she’s all right,” says Hayley.

  I don’t want to stay here a minute longer.

  “Anyway, we’ve got to go now, Hayley,” I say. “The police are coming round.”

  Her eyes widen with interest. I bet she can’t wait to tell everyone the gossip. I’ve no idea why Mum likes her job here so much. She’s even taking the Betterbuys Superstore management course.

  At least, she was.

  On the way out of the store I spot some framed photos under a banner that reads, Our friendly staff – helping you at Betterbuys! There’s a picture of Mum in her supermarket overall, smiling. My heart clenches. It’s a recent picture. I turn back to ask Hayley for a copy to give to the police, but she’s disappeared already. Dad has lost no time getting outside, and I can see him through the plate glass busy untying Jackson’s lead from a railing. Jackson’s jumping up and down, barking. I can’t face hanging round to find someone else to ask about the photo, so I just lift the whole frame off the wall and tuck it under my arm.

  The police come round exactly on time. It’s a policeman and a policewoman and they ask a lot of questions.

  “Are you sure she didn’t say anything about where she was going yesterday, Danni?”

  “I don’t think so. Maybe she told me when I wasn’t listening. She looked as if she was going to work like normal when I left for school. But then I found out later it was her day off.”

  The policewoman smiles at me. “And you didn’t have a row?”

  “No. Definitely not. She made me a packed lunch to save me rushing, and I went off to school as usual.” I think about the packed lunch. Mum always makes me healthy sandwiches with loads of salad in, even though I moan about it. Yesterday she put an orange in my bag too. I don’t like oranges that much, but she said I needed the vitamin C. I get a lump in my throat and my eyes start welling up. “Do you think…maybe something awful has happened to her?”

  “I doubt it,” says the policeman. He smiles at me kindly. “Maybe she just needed a break.”

  He’s wrong. I know it. The tears fall down my face and I reach for a tissue in my pocket. I tell him she’s not the type to just disappear. He can ask any of her friends at work and they’ll say the same.

  The policeman wants to talk to Dad alone, so the policewoman offers to come to the kitchen and make a cup of tea with me.

  She sounds all friendly but I can see she’s looking round the room carefully.

  “Are you sure she didn’t leave a note, Danni?”

  “I’m sure. That’s where we always leave notes for each other – see?”

  I point at a red London bus magnet stuck on the fridge. Mum bought it when she took me there on a day trip once. There’s no note.

  I realize the policewoman is talking to me. “And you say she left her phone here – she hasn’t got another phone, like say, one for work?”

  “I don’t think so. She works in a supermarket.”

  The policewoman writes it down in her notebook and asks for the name of the store.

  “Maybe you could fetch her phone for me, Danni? We may need to check it back at the police station.”

  I run up to Mum’s room and grab the phone off her bed. I hesitate a moment, remembering the way Mum talks into the phone a bit too loudly, as if the person she’s talking to is deaf or something. I often tease her about it. I feel like crying again. I hurry back down and hand it to the policewoman. She takes the phone and looks at me sympathetically.

  “We may as well go back to the front room and join your dad,” she says, putting the phone into a bag.

  Back in the front room, Dad glances up and smiles, but he looks worried. I wonder what the policeman has said to him.

  “Your father is going to take you to stay at his place for now,” says the policeman. “We think this would be for the best, as you’re still a minor.”

  “What do you mean?” I’m starting to panic. Surely I don’t have to go?

  “We can’t allow you to be left on your own. How old are you? Fourteen?”

  “Fifteen.”

  He checks his notes. “Oh yes. Well that’s still too young.”

  “But that’s stupid! I can look after myself. What if Mum comes back?”

  Dad interrupts. “Mum will understand. She wouldn’t expect you to stay here on your own. Anyway, it’s not that far!”

  He’s lying. It’s miles.

  I’m so upset that I can’t speak for a few minutes. I feel like I’m abandoning Mum. Like I’m already accepting that she’s not coming back, even though it hasn’t yet been twenty-four hours since I came home from school to find she wasn’t here.

  Dad gives the police his number at the shop and they say they’ll let us know as soon as they hear anything. At the last minute I remember the photos from the album and hand them to the policewoman.

  “They’re a bit old, aren’t they?” says Dad.

  “I brought a more recent one back from the supermarket,” I mumble. I bring out the frame from where I shoved it beside the sofa. I probably shouldn’t have taken it from the supermarket without asking but I don’t care. I just want them to find Mum.

  “You’d better pack what you need for a few days, Danni, just in case.” The police have gone and Dad wants to get back to Cararth soon. Even Jackson seems restless again.

  “What about school?” Even as I’m saying it, I remember today’s the last
day of school before half-term. Suddenly I feel a glimmer of hope.

  “Dad, can we take Levi?”

  “If he’s allowed, yes of course.” He looks at his watch. “Will he be back from school yet?”

  “Not yet, but I need to get some stuff together anyway.”

  “Okay. As soon as he’s back, we’ll go round and ask.”

  I look at Dad with his rainbow titanium nose ring and his glowing dreads. I almost have second thoughts.

  If Levi’s mum is surprised at Dad’s appearance, she hides it well.

  “It’s nice of you to ask, Nigel. I know he’d love to come but I need him here when I’m working. He looks after the other two for me during the half-term holiday.”

  Behind her, Syrus and Cheryl are having a pillow fight with the cushions on the sofa. Levi picks them both up and pretends he’s going to throw them out the window. They squeal with delight.

  “Perhaps he could just come for the weekend then?” says Dad.

  Her face brightens. “Are you sure? It seems like a lot of trouble…”

  “It’ll be a pleasure. Danni might want to come back to fetch a few more things anyway. In fact her mum will probably be back by then.”

  He adds the last bit as an afterthought.

  He doesn’t believe it either.

  chapter 4

  I wake up and stare at the ceiling. It’s pink, and there are fairy stickers all over it. For a second I can’t work out where I am. Then I remember. I’m in Michelle’s room. She’s my half-sister. I haven’t seen her for ages. Dad’s not with her mum any more either, but she gets to stay with him more than I do. I guess that’s why the spare room here is mostly hers.

  Dad’s house is on Cararth High Street. The shop takes up the ground floor and his flat’s upstairs above the shop. I get up, pull some clothes on, and go to the kitchen. I can’t go in the front room yet as Levi’s still sleeping. Yesterday I didn’t eat that much because I was too upset, so now I’m starving.

  I say hello to Dad as I walk past his room. He’s working at his desk and looks up and smiles.

  “Make us a cup of tea, could you, Danni?”

  “Okay, Dad. One sugar?”