Deep Water

by Lu Hersey

  “How come?” I’ve no idea what she’s talking about.

  “Surely you must know?” Mrs Goodwin stares at me. “You’ve heard what happened with the Chosen?”

  I shake my head. “Chosen what?”

  She looks genuinely surprised. “Usually it’s the only thing people know about Ancrows. It was a cult. Extremists of course. They’re always bad news. Get Elliot to tell you about it on the way home if you’re interested.”

  I realize Mrs Goodwin is encouraging everyone to leave. I glance at my phone and see it’s ten o’clock already. Elliot and I go to find our coats, and gradually everyone starts moving towards the door. I can’t believe the evening has gone by so quickly and I feel almost guilty that I’ve hardly thought about Mum until now. I guess there still isn’t any news about her or Dad would have called me.

  When we get outside, Elliot suddenly puts his arm round me. I catch the faint scent of something like pine resin. Maybe cedar.

  “Are you okay, Danni? You seem a bit quiet. Are you worried about your mum?”

  Feeling him so close, I’m no longer able to think about anything except him. My heart’s beating so fast, I don’t know what to do. I rest my head awkwardly on his shoulder. The smell of cedar gets stronger.

  I realize someone’s calling me.

  “Danni?” Dad beckons to us from the car.

  Great timing, Dad.

  I feel awkward, but try to look casual as I move away from Elliot.

  “Just going to fetch Levi,” I call over to Dad.

  Then I run back inside the chapel to find him, still tingling with excitement that Elliot put his arm round me.

  It’s annoying not getting a chance to talk to Elliot, but Dad insists I sit in the front seat next to him. As we set off back to Cararth, he keeps glancing at me like he wants to say something.

  Suddenly I feel a wave of anxiety. “What’s up, Dad?”

  He coughs nervously. “Listen, love, I don’t want you to worry, but the police called earlier.”

  I feel like someone’s tipped a bucket of cold water over me.

  “Have they found Mum?”

  There’s a short silence.

  “Possibly…” He’s staring ahead through the windscreen. He’s avoiding looking at me.

  “Possibly? Is she…?” I can’t bring myself to say “alive”.

  “If it’s her, yes, she’s alive. But I don’t want to raise your hopes…”

  “If it’s her? Dad, what do you mean if?”

  “A woman matching Mum’s description was found near here two days ago. But she had no ID on her, so the local police force have been working through national missing person reports and they only just made the connection.”

  For a moment I don’t say anything. I don’t get it. What does he mean, found? My mind’s whirring. If it is Mum, why wasn’t her bag with her? She takes it everywhere. Had she been attacked? And why was she here and not in Graymouth?

  I want to ask a million questions but I feel so churned up I can hardly talk.

  “Please can you stop the car? I feel sick.”

  chapter 7

  I sit on the verge in the darkness. The cold air is making me feel slightly better, but I still feel ill.

  “Of course it might not be her.” Dad is trying to play it down. Maybe he’s worried I’ll be even more upset if the woman the police have found turns out not to be Mum.

  “The police wouldn’t have contacted you if they weren’t pretty sure,” I say.

  “Hopefully you’re right, Danni – Graymouth police won’t tell us anything more until they confirm details with the local force over here. They just said the woman that’s been found has some kind of amnesia. But she hasn’t any obvious injuries.”

  I shiver.

  “Why can’t we go to see her right away? I don’t understand!”

  “Love, I told you. They won’t even let us know where this woman is until they’ve checked out every possibility. They have to be thorough. I’m guessing they have a lot of safety measures in place to protect everyone involved. They’ve promised to call first thing tomorrow.”

  I start crying again in sheer frustration. “But if it’s Mum, she’ll want to see me now! What was she doing round here?”

  “Danni, I haven’t got any answers, I’m really sorry. There’s nothing we can do until the police call in the morning.”

  I glance up at Dad’s car, parked up by the side of the road. Elliot’s staring anxiously in our direction from the back window.

  I take a deep breath and stand up shakily. I can’t stay out here all night arguing with Dad about it. We might as well get back in the car. I walk over and open the passenger door.

  “You okay, Danni? Do you still feel sick?” Elliot sounds really concerned.

  “I’m fine. Sorry to hold you up.”

  “It’s no problem, really. If there’s anything I can do…”

  “Don’t think so. But thanks.” I slide onto the front seat and put my seatbelt back on.

  Levi doesn’t say anything, which shows he’s worried. We stay silent for the rest of the journey.

  When we drop Elliot off, Dad gives him a shop key so he can come and open up in the morning. We’ll be setting off to see Mum – because it has to be her – as soon as the police tell us where she is.

  I try to smile at Elliot.

  “Thanks for taking us to the club this evening. See you tomorrow maybe.”

  “Hope so – see how you get on.” He looks at Dad. “Don’t worry about getting back in time for the shop, Nigel. I can lock up.”

  “Thanks,” says Dad.

  I wind up the car window.

  Hope so. That’s what he said. It’s the only good thing I can hang on to right now.

  Elliot raises an arm to wave as we drive off. The way he’s standing, he looks so sad. I wonder when his mother died.

  Then I stop thinking about Elliot and my mind floods with worry about Mum.

  Dad wants us all to go to bed when we get inside.

  “We’re not going to do any good sitting here talking all night. We should get some rest. Tomorrow could be a long day.” He wanders off to his room, yawning.

  I still feel wide awake. I chat quietly with Levi for a while, but I can tell he’s really tired too. He does his best to reassure me about Mum, and I realize it’s pointless me speculating any more. I can’t do anything until the morning. Eventually I decide I should leave Levi in peace and go to bed.

  I climb under the duvet and lie back on the pillows. I’ll never be able to sleep. I keep going over and over the few details we’ve been given. Maybe it’s not Mum after all. I certainly can’t think of any reason why she would have come here to Cornwall when she always avoids the place. Yet the police obviously think it could be her…

  I close my eyes, just for a moment.

  Under the waves, the rocks are mottled white like corpse flesh. A gold chain spirals in the dark green light. The current pulls me. I can’t get away. I can’t breathe. As I hit the rocks, I’m sure I’m about to die.

  I wake up with a start. It’s daylight, but only just. The image of the rocks is still seared on my mind. I even feel my head tentatively to check for bruises, then feel stupid. Of course there aren’t any.

  A few minutes later, Dad hands me a cup of tea. He’s still in his pyjamas.

  “Drink this, love. And don’t rush. I don’t want you burning your throat. The police haven’t called yet so you’ve plenty of time.” He smiles encouragingly, but he looks worried. “Are you okay? I heard you shouting in your sleep…”

  I nod. “I’m fine, thanks. Just a nightmare.”

  I hear Dad’s phone ring a few minutes later while I’m in the shower. I grab my towel immediately and run out of the bathroom, dripping water everywhere.

  Dad’s standing in the kitchen still holding his phone.

  “Good news, Danni! The police say the woman they’ve found is definitely Mum. They managed to confirm it using her medical records. S
he’s in Bodmin hospital, which isn’t that far from here. We can leave as soon as we’re all dressed.”

  I should be overjoyed, but there’s something about the way he said it.

  “So what’s wrong with her?”

  He hesitates. “Apparently she’s still got this amnesia thing. They said to warn you she’s not making much sense yet.”

  “Perhaps she’ll be okay when she sees me?”

  “Hope so!” he says. His voice sounds a bit too bright and breezy, and somehow it doesn’t ring true.

  “Did they say anything else?”

  “No, not really. That’s all. Let’s just get ready and we can go.”

  We pull up in the hospital car park. There’s a moment of silence when Dad turns off the engine. I look up at the ugly concrete building in front of us.

  I open the car door and get out. Levi climbs out of the back.

  “You don’t have to come in, Levi.”

  “Nah, it’s okay. You need someone sensible with you.”

  I glance at Dad. His dreads glow even brighter in the early morning light. He’s chosen to wear a diamanté nose ring today, to match his sequinned Blondie T-shirt. Worst of all, his jeans are way too short and he’s wearing pink loafers. I wonder how he could possibly think that outfit was a good idea.

  Levi is right. I do need someone sensible with me.

  The foyer is dismal, though they’ve tried to cheer the place up by painting it buttercup yellow. A small notice says the framed pictures on the walls are all done by former patients.

  “Pity they obviously needed therapy,” observes Levi.

  We troop up to the reception desk. Two middle-aged women behind the desk are discussing someone’s wedding arrangements and it’s a while before they notice us. One of them finally looks up.

  “We’ve come to see Erin Lancaster,” Dad says as he catches her eye. “The police said you’d be expecting us.”

  “The police? Oh! Is that the poor woman they found on the beach?”

  Now we’ve definitely got their attention. They look at each other furtively and then one of them points us towards the lift.

  “Go up to the third floor – the psychiatric unit. We’ll let Dr Murphy know you’re coming.”

  The psychiatric unit? They told Dad she had amnesia. I think of a horror film Levi and I watched recently, about a psychiatrist experimenting with people’s brains. Levi and I laughed so much at the time. Suddenly it doesn’t seem so funny.

  As we walk into the lift, I see the receptionists whispering to each other. I think I hear the word naked. I’m beginning to feel like I can’t breathe. One of them picks up the phone.

  A woman in a white hospital coat is waiting for us when we reach the third floor. She looks too young to be a doctor. Her dark hair is scrunched back into a ponytail.

  “Mr Lancaster?” Her accent sounds familiar but I can’t place it. I’m not great with accents.

  “Call me Nigel,” says Dad, shaking her hand.

  “I’m Dr Murphy.” She turns to me. “You must be Danni. The police told us about you.” Her eyes are different colours, one blue and one green. I nod and try not to stare.

  “Is it okay if my friend Levi comes in too?”

  She smiles at Levi before she answers.

  “Yes of course. These things are much harder on your own – I’m glad you’ve brought a friend with you. I’ll take you to your mum’s room. We’ve put her in by herself at the moment, until she…well, just for now. I warn you, Danni, she’s not really responding yet. We’re hoping she’ll improve soon – and maybe your visit will help.”

  We follow her down a long corridor which has lots of closed doors on both sides. Horrible wailing sounds come from behind one of the doors. The place smells of disinfectant. My legs start to feel like they belong to someone else. I want to run away but they keep propelling me forwards.

  “You’ve got eyes exactly like your mum’s,” Dr Murphy says to me. “Same lovely velvet brown.”

  “Thanks.” I smile nervously. “People often say I look like her.”

  “She’s got my ears though,” says Dad, trailing behind us along the corridor.

  Dr Murphy glances back at Dad and doesn’t say anything. You can’t see Dad’s ears anyway as they’re hidden under the orange dreads.

  “Where are you from?” I still can’t place Dr Murphy’s accent.

  “Ireland – west coast. Have you ever been?”

  I shake my head. “Sorry.”

  “It’s beautiful. You should go sometime.”

  She stops by one of the doors. “This is her room. Now before we go in, keep in mind that she’s not well, Danni. That’s why she’s here. She may not even recognize you, but try not to get too upset – it’s still very early days.”

  My heartbeat sounds so loud in my ears, it’s practically deafening me. Dr Murphy opens the door and we follow her into a small, stuffy room painted sickly green. It smells a bit like feet. A tiny window lets in some daylight but it’s too high up to see out of.

  Mum sits motionless on the metal-framed hospital bed, propped up against stark white pillows. I hardly recognize her because of the total lack of expression. But it’s definitely her.

  My heart plummets. It’s a real shock to see her like this, even though I’ve been warned.

  “Mum? Mum!” I go over to the bed and gently shake the sleeve of her hospital gown. She looks blankly at a point somewhere above my head. Then she just turns and stares up at the window.

  “Mum?” I stroke her hair. She doesn’t even blink.

  This can’t be happening. What’s wrong with her?

  “Just keep talking to her, Danni,” Dr Murphy says quietly. “Don’t give up. We’re not sure if she can understand or not, but we think she can hear okay. Talking to her could be really helpful.”

  I feel uncomfortable and try to think of what to say. I glance at Dad but he just looks like a rabbit trapped in the headlights.

  “I’m going to try and catch the consultant a moment so he can have a word with you,” says Dr Murphy. “He’s not in for long today, what with it being a Sunday – but you may be lucky.”

  She heads towards the door, taking her clipboard. She smiles at me on her way out.

  “Don’t worry, I won’t be long. Ring this bell if you’ve any problems.”

  The door swishes closed behind her.

  Dad seizes the opportunity. “Maybe I should go and grab a coffee before she comes back,” he says. “Give you some time alone with Mum.”

  He leaves the room so fast I don’t have time to argue, but I feel really angry with him. How can he just leave me here? I know it must be a shock for him to see Mum like this, but what about me?

  Levi touches my arm gently. “Do you actually want some time alone with her, Danni?”

  I calm down and think about it for a minute. At least Levi isn’t running away.

  “Yeah, maybe it’s not such a bad idea. I’ll probably feel less stupid talking to her on my own. Looks like she’s not too big on answers right now.”

  He nods. “I’ll be right outside the door, okay?”

  If only Dad could have said that.

  I sit on Mum’s bed and stroke her face softly. She’s just staring at the wall. I find her hand and try to hold it. The hand is cold, even though the room is like an oven. It feels like there’s no air in here.

  Suddenly, she jerks her hand away, and I jump. She starts tugging frantically at her sheets, eyes flicking round the room like she’s looking for someone. She doesn’t seem to see me at all.

  “What do you want, Mum?”

  She’s scaring me.

  “Shall I ring the bell or something?”

  She doesn’t answer. I don’t think she’s even heard me. She’s getting more and more agitated. I’ve no idea what to do. I keep wondering if I should press the bell.

  “Where’s it gone? Who’s taken it?”

  The sudden sound of her voice shocks me.

  “Help me, yo
u’ve got to help me…Mam?” She’s getting louder.

  Then she looks directly at me for the first time. “Find Mam for me?”

  I’ve no idea what to do. This woman in front of me is nothing like my mum. Yet it is Mum, of course it is. Levi pops his head round the door. He must have heard her shouting.

  “You all right in there?”

  I nod and try to smile. But I don’t feel okay at all.

  “The doctor’s coming back.”

  I know he’s trying to reassure me.

  “Thanks.”

  He hesitates a moment, then disappears back into the corridor.

  As soon as I’m alone with Mum again, she starts whimpering. I can’t do anything to stop her.

  I’ve never felt so powerless or sad in my entire life.

  Through the window I hear the sound of a road drill somewhere in the hospital grounds. It seems strange that other people are out doing normal everyday things.

  I try to get Mum’s attention again. “What’s happened to you, Mum? Are you still in there somewhere? Please don’t do this. Please?”

  I might as well be talking to a zombie. She doesn’t look at me. I hear voices out in the corridor and bite my finger hard to try and stop the tears coming.

  The door opens and Levi comes back in with Dr Murphy and an older man with thinning grey hair. The man stares at me through steel-rimmed glasses.

  “Danni? I’m Mr Albright, your mother’s consultant.”

  I nod and we shake hands.

  “I understand you’re the next of kin?”

  I’ve never thought of myself like that, but say yes anyway.

  “Do you have an adult here with you today?”

  “My father. He’s just gone to get coffee.”

  “You may want him here with you.”

  Mr Albright sounds impatient, a bit like my headmaster at school.

  “Can I run and find him?” I feel nervous.

  He looks at his watch, shakes his head. “No matter, you can tell him later.”

  Dr Murphy shifts uncomfortably and for a second I think she wants to get Dad for me.

  “I’ll go and find him,” says Levi. He looks at me and mouths “Won’t be long” as he leaves the room.