Love by the Numbers

by Karin Kallmaker

  Nicole gave her a quizzical look.

  “Tell me about Lily. The truth.”

  Nicole choked in midswallow.

  “Don’t tell me you don’t know what I mean. You were in her room at four thirty in the morning. She had obviously been asleep just before she answered. You said you were asleep and didn’t hear the phone. I had thought perhaps there weren’t enough rooms at the hotel so you were sharing, but just now, when you spoke—I am your mother.”

  “I know,” was all Nicole could think to say. There was not a chance she could meet her mother’s gaze. Heat radiated from her cheeks.

  “I know you well, Nicky. You spoke in a way I have never heard you speak before.”

  She could feel herself turning into a little girl, swamped with the fear of discovery of a misdeed. But she wasn’t a child. She would not die because of the truth. There was nothing wrong with how she felt. “I feel more than friendship.”

  “Does she?”

  “I don’t know. But she’s not even as old as some of my graduate assistants and Meredith is too quiet, too small for her.”

  Her mother made a sound of distress and Nicole stole a glance. The frown was deep, but not necessarily angry.

  “Mom, you have so much on your mind. Let’s talk about this later.”

  “No. We’ll talk about it now. It’s a relief.”

  “Explain?”

  “You are over thirty and alone. That’s not natural.”

  “For some people it is.”

  Her mother shrugged—an eloquent statement of “You may think that but you are of course wrong” that Nicole had never mastered. “I did not expect this to be the reason why you refused to marry, or even dated. But I am glad there is a reason. Glad that you haven’t been lonely, even if you felt you had to keep some of your life from me.”

  “I’ve been devoted to my work, mostly. You know that, right?”

  “Yes. Your success is clear, Nicky, and I am proud of you.” Her mother’s eyes were suddenly filled with tears. “I hope that you don’t think that’s all I wanted for you. Success and money. I want you happy and happiness comes from other people.”

  “There are monks who would dispute that.”

  Her mother’s eyes turned into laser beams. “We are not talking about monks, Nicky.”

  With a quaver in her voice she couldn’t control, Nicole said, “I knew I liked women. I’ve always known. But Lily is the first time I’ve felt this way.”

  Her mother’s expression eased. “I will tell my brothers to give up all hope.”

  “Well, that’s a relief.” Nicole tamped down on the urge to laugh hysterically. From about age sixteen she’d expected this conversation to include recriminations, yelling, despair and dire predictions of social, financial and moral ruin. “None of that matters, does it?”

  “It matters. I will worry.”

  “Of course you will.” That would never change.

  “But I am sitting in a hospital waiting to hear if one of my daughters will live. My brothers and their far-away concerns are the sands of a desert I do not need to cross.”

  Her mother took her hand and seemed content to be silent for a while. After a few minutes, Nicole realized that there was not really anything more to say. Just like that, she was on the other side of yet another barrier, one that she’d thought impenetrable and only now realized was made of bricks she’d created all by herself.

  * * *

  The miles from Logan to Meredith were long and lonely. Lily recalled her first drive to Meredith, filled with uncertainty and running for cover. Now she couldn’t wait to get there. Her world was on a tilt and wouldn’t be right until she saw Nicole again.

  If nothing else, she needed closure. It was possible—though, for Kate’s sake and her own, she prayed not—that she and Nicole would part in a few days, tour canceled and the need for Lily’s services at an end. If that happened she would accept it, of course. Nothing else to be done. So they’d had great sex.

  Really great sex, okay, obviously their chemicals were resonating or congruent or compatible when it came to sex.

  Impatient with the painful merry-go-round of her thoughts, Lily turned up the radio. Last trip she’d soothed her ragged soul with Beethoven. Right now she needed loud. She pushed the buttons quickly past the sound of Adele’s haunting voice—like that would help—and settled on what sounded like some new Green Day. But the next song up was Muse’s “Madness” and that put her right back into the bar in New Orleans, getting erotically high on the scent of Nicole’s jacket.

  She turned the radio off and endured the silence. The sleepy lights of Meredith finally appeared around the next corner, and she consulted the GPS on how to get to the hospital.

  She made her way to the visitor’s parking lot, not full, and realized once inside the door that she didn’t know if Kate was in maternity or the ICU. She texted the question to Nicole and stepped into the little gift and flower shop in the lobby while waiting for an answer.

  She was inhaling the rich, velvety scent of a dozen roses when a peculiar, pleasant tingling told her that Nicole was behind her. Without looking up she asked, “Does Kate like roses?”

  “Yes, but they’re not allowed in the ICU.”

  “Pity, these are gorgeous.” She straightened up and turned with nonchalance, an air that fled the moment she saw Nicole’s eyes. The rest of her face was as composed as ever, if a little pale, but her eyes were red and glistening with tears. “Is there news?”

  “No, nothing new. I’m glad your drive was safe.”

  “How is your mother doing?” They fell into step on the way to the elevator.

  “She’s as good as one might expect. Better in some ways than I expected, even.” Nicole’s voice was laden with something Lily couldn’t identify. “Baby Aliyah-Juliet is doing fine.”

  “Is that her name?”

  “One or the other. Kate can’t say so we’re going to pick her two top choices for now.” Nicole looked up at the indicator. “It takes forever to arrive. It’s only two flights. Take the stairs?”

  “Sure.”

  Nicole looked down. “Even in those?”

  Lily tried not to flush. She’d grabbed the Manolos because they were the first pair she’d found in the hurry to leave for the airport. She had had ample time during the wait and then the drive to change into something more practical. But Nicole had obviously liked her wearing them…“I’m fine.”

  The stairwell was drab and cold and they were passed by several nurses and a doctor hurrying downward. It was deserted when they reached the third-floor landing. Nicole paused with her hand on the door handle.

  Lily looked at her inquiringly. Nicole seemed about to say something but all she did was reach up to touch Lily’s hair.

  There didn’t seem to be the right words in Lily either. She turned her head to kiss Nicole’s fingertips.

  “This isn’t a good time,” Nicole whispered.

  She didn’t resist when Lily pulled her close for a quick, hard kiss. The tight-wound knot in her stomach relaxed, finally, relief and arousal mixing in equal measures. Nicole’s quick intake of breath seemed to echo her feelings even as Lily wondered exactly what it wasn’t a good time for. Kisses? Talking? Being together?

  A slamming door below them forced them apart. How Nicole managed to look so composed so quickly was beyond Lily. Her own cheeks were hot and her lips felt bruised and swollen.

  It didn’t help that the first thing she saw as they stepped out of the stairwell was Indira rushing toward them.

  “She’s awake! She’s breathing completely on her own now. They might remove the tubes. They’re checking her vital signs and then we can go in for a minute.”

  Nicole embraced her mother tightly and they rocked together. Lily dug in her handbag for a tissue, handing it to Indira, who gratefully dabbed at her eyes.

  “I’m so glad to hear Kate is improving,” Lily said. “It can only get better now.”

  “It is a ple
asure to see you again, Lily. Nicky says you have been an excellent assistant.”

  Lily fixed her gaze just above Indira’s eyes. She felt as if her feelings for Nicole were etched on her forehead. It was a first, being in the company of a lover’s parent. Lily had put that on a personal To Do list—like, never. She controlled the urge to blurt out that it wasn’t just sex for her. “We’ve had some adventures, that’s for sure.”

  They all turned at rapid footsteps and a man’s voice saying, “Mrs. Hathaway? You can go in now. The baby is already with her, so you’ll need masks.”

  “I’ll wait here,” Lily said before the nurse could discourage her from crowding the room. Kate needed the comfort of those she knew, not making polite conversation with a virtual stranger.

  She watched the two Hathaways follow the nurse down the hall. It was probably a good idea to squelch the flicker of hope that perhaps, in a week, their tour would resume. Libido was pleased with the idea, but Circumspect woke up Common Sense and they both reminded her that “assistant with benefits” wasn’t going to feel good when it was over.

  * * *

  Nicole heard the baby’s weak half-cry as they opened the door. The head of Kate’s bed had been raised so she was slightly elevated, and the baby was cradled on her chest. One hand rested on the tightly wrapped bundle and Kate’s eyes were closed.

  “I think she’s asleep,” she said to her mother. She pulled her mask more firmly into place even as she thought that the damp constriction was another thing that would have made a profession in medicine impossible for her.

  Kate’s eyes blinked half open. She slurred, “No, she’s drugged and not with the really good stuff.”

  Nicole laughed. Her worry that having lost her heartbeat twice would leave her with brain damage dissolved. Kate was still very much Kate.

  Her mother’s eyes were dry and bright. “Don’t tire yourself out. And now you’ve met your daughter.”

  Kate’s hand tightened on the blankets. Even considering that Kate was still seriously ill, Nicole was caught off guard by how much Kate suddenly resembled their mother in the set of her jaw and the watchful glimmer in her eyes. “She’s been a real pain up until now. But she stopped wailing the moment the nurse put her down.”

  “It’s only the beginning.”

  “You came back,” Kate said. “Like you care or something.”

  “Or something,” Nicole teased. “I care about my niece, that’s for sure.”

  “What is her name to be?” Her mother dabbed the corners of Kate’s mouth with a wet tissue smeared with lip balm, easing off the remnants of tape.

  “Juliet.”

  “I was calling her Aliyah-Juliet,” Nicole said. “She could be A.J. for short.”

  “No,” Kate and her mother said simultaneously.

  “Just a thought,” Nicole muttered. “I like Juliet.”

  The door opened behind them and the male nurse said kindly but firmly, “The baby needs to go back to the nursery and new mom needs her sleep now.”

  “Of course,” Nicole said automatically. She hesitated long enough to get out her phone and take a picture.

  “Stop that! No pictures, Nicky.” Kate glared. “You better fucking delete that.”

  “No such language in front of the baby, Kate,” her mother snapped. “I’ll be back in the morning, and we’ll talk about getting you strong and ready for when Juliet comes home.”

  Nicole made a hasty retreat and wondered, now that there was a baby to be protected, if her mother’s hearing would extend to Kate’s voice and often colorful choice of words. She couldn’t help a little schadenfreude at the thought.

  Lily was leafing through a magazine when they returned to the waiting area.

  Nicole held out her phone. “Mother and child.”

  Lily gazed at the picture then looked at Indira. “They’re both beautiful.”

  “The women in my family have all the looks.”

  Lily’s agreement sounded perfunctory, but her color was high. Nicole suddenly woke up to how Lily must be feeling. She wasn’t aware that her mother knew about them. Maybe, just maybe, there were some social situations that Lily didn’t know how to handle. Even as she tried to think of how to ease Lily’s anxiety she felt a wave of panic that her mother would tell Lily that Nicole had admitted to feelings.

  “I think we should go home,” her mother said. “Lily, the guest room has baby gifts in it, but otherwise, it is yours to make use of.”

  “I was planning on a hotel—”

  “No. You shall stay with us.”

  Lily made no further argument, but the decision left Nicole even more flustered. At the parking lot she turned in the same direction as Lily, just as she had for the last five or so weeks, but stopped short. Her mother was drooping with weariness.

  “I’ll drive, Mom.” She held out her hand for the keys.

  “I’ll follow you,” Lily said. “If we get separated I know the way.”

  “You can always use the GPS.”

  “And end up in Lyubytino.”

  They shared a fleeting smile and parted ways.

  Nicole was backing out of the parking space when her mother said, “Why did you tell me that you didn’t know if Lily had feelings for you?”

  “I don’t know if she does.”

  “No. You refuse to see.”

  “Why wouldn’t I want to know?” She glanced at her mother then turned onto the Daniel Webster Highway.

  “I am not the one with degrees in what makes minds work the way they do. But Lily cares very much about you. It’s plain as day.”

  “Mom, she’s sweet and kind and nice to everyone.”

  “You are just another woman to her?”

  “That’s not what I meant. Lily isn’t…She doesn’t…I don’t think I want to have this conversation now.”

  “You have studied love to death and still don’t know what it is.”

  The words stung. She realized her mother was very tired, so she clamped down on the urge to retort something she’d regret. “I do know what it is, Mom. But as with the marriage proposals conveyed by my uncles, this is my life.”

  “Lily is a beautiful, talented girl.”

  Nicole tightened her hands on the wheel. “I know.”

  There was no point in telling her mother that unless Lily could find some kind of fulfillment through the university or the Meredith tourism industry, there was nothing in Meredith to interest a beautiful, talented girl. Her mother had no idea the depth of Lily’s gift with languages and that Lily ought to be working in an embassy, planning cultural exchanges, celebrating the arts and spreading peace through food and laughter.

  The headlights from Lily’s rental stayed in the rearview mirror for the entire drive. At home Nicole hurried down the driveway from the garage to help get the suitcases out of the trunk. Lily was already tottering to the house with one of them, those absurd, sexy shoes not helping her keep her balance. A sharp, cold wind blew across the house.

  Lily returned. “It’s cold out here.”

  “Not as cold as Russia—but it’s good to be home.” Nicole eyed the thin sweater Lily wore over her blue and white striped dress. “You’ll need something heavier.”

  “I know. There was a cute little boutique in the village near Beekman’s. I thought I could likely find something there.”

  It was a surreal feeling and not one she much liked, thinking of Lily, her Lily, walking through the Meredith stores, and talking to shopkeepers, walking the same sidewalks and looking in the same windows that Nicole did. Lily would be around every corner of town for her after this.

  The feeling got worse when Lily rolled her suitcase into the guest room and reappeared in comfortable jeans. Watching her drink tea with her mother was as disconcerting as it had been on the day they’d met. She’d thought her some Barbie doll and now knew exactly how hot-blooded, spontaneous and wickedly intelligent Lily was. But her mother’s insistence that Lily had feelings for her? She didn’t see it. It
was all about sex, an intense physical connection, something her mother wouldn’t understand. Or, if her mother did, Nicole certainly didn’t want to know.

  She was used to living inside her own mind, most of the time, but it was now absurdly crowded. There were too many pictures in her head to keep clear. Too many impulses pumping through her muscles, too many chemicals mixing and changing her ability to reason, to react.

  Everywhere she looked there were green eyes and elegant fingers and in every quiet pause she heard Lily’s laughter.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Lily knew that if she could have forgotten where she was, she would have loved waking up in a real bed in a real house with real sheets and blankets. But even as the pleasure of it made her smile into the soft, downy pillow, the recollection that she was a guest in Nicole’s home caused her a pang. Libido loved being close. Circumspect insisted she find a way to avoid throwing herself into Nicole’s arms when they were alone. Common Sense made a short appearance, advising her to get far away and make it a clean break now before she made it into more than it would ever be.

  She snorted and sat up. It was too late to run away. Besides, she still needed this job. She wasn’t out of the woods of infamy yet.

  The alarm clock showed it was nearly nine—she’d slept hard after worrying she’d be awake half the night. The house was very quiet. Hoping it met Indira’s standards to be seen in her pajamas she peeked out the door of her room but still heard nothing. Perhaps they had both gone to the hospital.

  She tiptoed to the breezeway that led to where she’d seen Nicole park the car in the garage last night. She braved the sharply cold morning air and peered into the garage through the window. One car, not two. Yes, the hospital made sense.

  The house phone was ringing when she went back inside. She heard the distant clicking of an answering machine, then it was quiet again. In the kitchen the teakettle was still warm and came to a boil quickly. On the kitchen table was a bowl of oatmeal sprinkled with brown sugar and a note with her name on it. A few seconds in the microwave brought it back up to steaming and she settled in to enjoy every bite. It was vastly superior to anything they’d have found in their hotel’s dining room in Georgia.