We continued up the stairs and into the closest open door.
‘Wait here,’ she instructed. ‘I’ll get us something.’
I didn’t think we could squeeze in any further if we tried; the room was packed. Peyton reappeared, her fingers dipped into small plastic cups of Jell-O. She handed one to each of us. I looked down at the cup, trying to figure out how to eat it without a spoon. Squeezing the edges, I tried to slurp it.
‘Don’t chew. Just swallow.’ Meg laughed as I licked at pieces of Jell-O still clinging to my lips.
‘Always excellent advice,’ Peyton giggled.
Meg grimaced. ‘Eew. We’re only talking about Jell-O, Peyton!’
It took me a moment to figure out what the hell they were talking about, and I scowled in revulsion when I figured it out. Peyton took note of my delayed reaction. ‘Oh, Emma. Are you sure you had sex with that guy from the band? ’Cause I swear you’re a virgin.’
‘Let me get another round so you can try again,’ Meg offered, dragging Peyton with her.
When they returned, I took two little cups and awaited instructions.
‘Swipe your finger around the edge to loosen it and then pop it in your mouth.’ Peyton demonstrated with ease. I made another attempt and got most of it in my mouth. My Jell-O shot ineptitude made Meg laugh. But I did better with the next one.
‘Now you let it settle and wait for the Tickle before you drink anything else,’ Serena explained.
‘A tickle?’ Peyton questioned Serena with her brows raised. ‘Serena, you are so weird.’
‘Whatever,’ Serena said, turning away.
‘Tom!’ Peyton suddenly hollered across the courtyard to the opposite balcony. To my surprise, he heard her and waved. She grabbed my wrist, causing me to stumble after her, though she didn’t seem to notice, or care, as she forced our way through the crowd.
‘We’ll wait right here,’ Meg called out behind us.
‘I was hoping you were going to be here,’ Peyton exclaimed when she reached Tom, giving him a hug.
‘You’d know if you’d actually call each other,’ I mumbled under my breath. Tom and Peyton had a strange relationship. I kept hearing about him and how they’d meet up at parties. She was obviously interested in him. But we didn’t think they’d even exchanged phone numbers yet. We were all confused by it.
‘Hey.’
I looked up to find Cole standing in front of me. Gritting my teeth, I forced a smile, suddenly realizing why Peyton had been so adamant about bringing me along.
‘Wow, two parties. I’m impressed,’ Cole taunted.
‘Parties aren’t my thing,’ I countered in annoyance.
‘Obviously,’ he stated. ‘Otherwise I would have seen you before.’
‘True,’ I admitted with a slight nod. ‘Well, it’s a new year, so I’m trying new things.’
‘What’s next on your list?’ Cole enquired, his clear blue eyes focused on me. I avoided his gaze and studied the crowd around us.
‘Umm … stage diving,’ I answered without thinking. I really didn’t have a ‘new things’ list. I was making it up as I went. But now that I’d said it, I actually wanted to try it.
‘Nice. You’ll have to let me know when so I can witness that.’
‘We’ll see,’ I answered, not wanting to commit to seeing him again, no matter what he looked like. When he turned his head in the other direction, I slipped away. I heard Peyton call my name, but I ignored her.
When I squeezed my way to where we’d left Serena and Meg, they were nowhere to be found. I scanned the crowd and spotted them by the pool, then ducked into an apartment and grabbed something grape-flavoured and bubbly. I could barely feel the Tickle, so I figured I was still safe.
Meg saw me at the top of the stairs and waved. I nodded and followed the line down the steps. When I reached the bottom, an arm swept around my waist and pulled me to the side.
‘Hey, gorgeous,’ Gev murmured in my ear, kissing my neck. ‘I was hoping I’d see you again.’
‘Uh, hi,’ I stuttered, my entire body stiffening at his touch. I looked around in a panic, but I couldn’t locate Meg or Serena. Then Meg’s spirals came into view, and I connected with her. Her eyes flipped from me to Gev, and she pushed through faster, not caring that she was pissing people off.
‘So, how are you?’ I asked, my voice cracking slightly.
‘Sober,’ he complained. ‘I’m going up to get a drink. Wanna come?’
‘Emma!’ Meg exclaimed, her bright smile not entirely masking the concern flashing in her eyes. ‘There you are. We thought we lost you.’ She noticed Gev’s arm around my waist and the tightness in my shoulders as he squeezed me against him. ‘Hi. I’m Meg, and this is Serena.’ Serena just nodded and didn’t even bother faking a smile.
‘Gev,’ he responded. ‘Guess I’ll find you later,’ he said, kissing my cheek before disappearing up the stairs. I tried to smile while swallowing the sour taste of disgust that rose in the back of my throat.
‘Are you okay?’ Meg asked, taking me by the hand and leading me away.
‘Yeah, I’m fine,’ I responded meekly, taking large gulps of the purple stuff from the cup in my other hand.
‘He’s awesome-looking,’ Serena noted from beside me. ‘Too bad he’s a complete dick.’
I laughed, almost spitting out my drink.
Meg smiled. ‘We won’t let him near you,’ she promised, stopping near the pool.
‘Hey!’ Peyton exclaimed dramatically when she found us a few minutes later. ‘Em, why’d you take off like that again? Seriously, I think you should give Cole a chance.’
‘He’s not my type.’
‘Wait, are you talking about the guy you’ve been trying to set her up with for like forever?’ Meg clarified.
‘Uh, I just met him at the New Year’s party,’ I countered.
‘But I’ve been wanting you to meet him for way longer.’ Peyton sighed. ‘I need an in with Tom, and they’re never apart, so I figured you’d be a good fit for Cole.’
‘You obviously don’t know me very well.’
‘Come on,’ Peyton said, sulking. ‘Cole is everyone’s type.’ She eyed Serena in contemplation and corrected with, ‘Well … except for Serena. He’s lacking the freak factor.’
‘Fuck you, Peyton,’ Serena bit back.
Meg laughed at their banter. They were always throwing snide comments back and forth. I sometimes wondered if they liked each other at all.
‘Seriously, Em,’ Peyton continued. ‘He’s gorgeous. He’s intelligent. He’s a surfer.’
‘I don’t go for the surfer type. Just drop it – okay?’ I felt a sudden twist in my chest and swallowed the last of the alcoholic grape soda to be rid of it. ‘Um, I could use another drink. Anyone else?’
‘I’ll go with you,’ Serena offered, leading me towards another apartment. ‘She’s just being selfish as usual,’ she consoled. ‘Don’t let her force you.’
‘I’m fine,’ I said quietly.
I waited for Serena on the balcony while she got our drinks. I kept scanning the crowd around me, fearful of running into Gev again. She returned a few minutes later and handed me a red plastic cup.
‘Jack and Coke,’ Serena explained.
I took a sip, and my stomach lit up. ‘Whoa.’ I shivered. ‘That’s strong.’
‘Sorry.’ Serena grimaced. ‘I didn’t make it. Do you hate it?’
‘It’s not my favourite,’ I admitted as my mouth filled with saliva, ‘but I’ll drink it.’
We noticed Peyton and Meg dancing in a crowd by the pool.
‘Great,’ Serena grumbled and directed me to stand on the outskirts where it was less crowded. I leaned against the rough exterior of the building, under the overhang of the balcony, slowly sipping the Jack with a touch of Coke. The Tickle was turning into a slightly dizzying haze.
‘Someday we’ll go to a party where there’ll be music we can dance to,’ Serena promised. ‘This music is shit.’ I laughed.
Two guys came up behind Meg and Peyton, pressing up against them and putting their hands on the girls’ hips. Peyton turned around with a flirtatious smile and swung her arms around the guy’s neck. Meg scooted away from the other guy, and he eventually got the message and disappeared into the crowd. I grinned in amusement.
‘I’m getting another drink,’ Serena announced. ‘Will you be okay here, or do you want to come with me?’
The party was now at capacity, and I didn’t want to fight through the crowd. ‘I’ll wait.’
‘Don’t go anywhere,’ Serena stressed. I nodded and took another sip. She glanced back a few times on her way up the stairs, making me roll my eyes.
‘I found you,’ Gev announced, appearing in front of me out of nowhere. He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. I froze, not returning the kiss. He pulled back, confused. ‘Are you mad at me?’
‘Uh, no,’ I responded, not expecting the question.
‘Is it because I passed out on you last time?’ he continued. ‘You know, before we could have sex. I promise not to drink that much tonight.’
My breath stilled, and I stared at him. We didn’t have sex. Oh. Dear. God. We didn’t have sex!
‘No, that’s not it,’ I said, feeling my shoulders ease up. ‘I just think you got the wrong impression.’
‘Ah.’ Gev nodded in understanding. ‘You’re not that into me.’
‘I’m not into anyone,’ I stressed, not wanting it to sound so harsh. ‘Don’t take it personally.’
‘Not a problem.’ He shrugged. He really didn’t take it personally – he honestly didn’t seem to care at all. ‘Well, have fun, and if you ever need to relieve some of that tension, find me.’
‘Uh, will do,’ I responded flatly, watching him walk away.
‘Oh shit, Em,’ Serena groaned. ‘I’m sorry! I totally forgot about Fuckhead. What happened?’
‘We didn’t have sex,’ I told her.
‘Well … obviously,’ she replied. ‘I mean you’re in the middle of a party.’ Then she examined me. ‘Oh! You meant … before?’
I nodded. I’d held on to the guilt so tightly, I was having difficulty letting it go. But I couldn’t deny I felt a hell of a lot lighter learning it had never happened. Or maybe the Jack was starting to kick in. I spotted Meg still dancing along the pool’s edge and smirked.
‘Watch this,’ I said to Serena, dropping the empty cup on the concrete and shimmying my way towards Meg. Her back was towards me as I glided up behind her. Just as I was within reach, she turned towards me and smiled. Then she saw the devilish gleam in my eyes and her mouth opened in surprise as I pushed her over the edge of the pool. Just as I let out a triumphant laugh, she grabbed my wrist and we both crashed through the water’s surface.
‘This makes us even,’ Meg sputtered, blowing water from her lips and grabbing the pool’s edge.
‘For now,’ I jeered.
Everyone was looking at us, some in amusement, others in annoyance. When we dragged our wet bodies from the pool, we discovered Peyton glaring at us with her arms crossed. ‘Let’s go,’ she snapped. ‘They’re kicking us out.’
‘Why?’ Meg laughed in confusion. ‘Because we were in the pool?’
Peyton released an exasperated sigh and stormed off towards the gate.
‘I guess the building manager doesn’t care about the parties,’ Serena explained with a smile, ‘but he doesn’t want to put any extra effort into cleaning the pool, so no one’s allowed in during the parties.’
The crowd parted to let us pass, staring and snickering. When we made it to the sidewalk, we heard the announcement, ‘No one is allowed in the pool! If anyone else goes in, the party’s over.’
Meg and I started laughing.
‘Well, you definitely made an impression,’ Serena said, laughing alongside us.
‘I can’t believe you did that,’ Peyton scolded. ‘You promised!’
‘Meg promised,’ I countered. ‘Don’t worry, we won’t get your car wet. Do you still have the trash bags in your trunk?’
‘Of course,’ Peyton said, annoyed. ‘I still can’t believe you got us kicked out.’
As we were peeling off our wet jeans and socks to place them in the trash bag, Serena announced, ‘So, good news! Emma never slept with the sleazebag!’
‘What?!’ Meg and Peyton shot out in unison.
‘He passed out before it happened,’ I explained, averting my eyes.
‘I don’t understand,’ Peyton said, shaking her head. ‘How did you not know?’
I looked at her without understanding what she was asking.
‘I mean, couldn’t you feel that you didn’t?’ She sighed. ‘Wow, Em. You’re seriously clueless.’
‘Peyton!’ Meg reprimanded as we entered the car.
‘I’ve only had sex once,’ I defended. ‘I had no idea I was supposed to be sore every time.’
This made them all laugh. ‘Not … sore,’ Serena tried to explain. ‘But you definitely can tell when someone has trespassed.’
‘Serena!’ Meg said, her mouth dropped open. ‘That sounds so … awful.’
‘I get it,’ I stated quietly, not wanting to reflect upon my first time any more than I wanted to think about what I’d almost done with Gev.
‘Oh, by the way, Em – I gave Cole your number,’ Peyton announced. Everyone in the car was suddenly quiet.
‘What the fuck, Peyton!’
4
Blind Leap
AS MY HANDS SEARCHED BLINDLY UNDER the bed for the shoe I’d been frantically trying to find, I caught a glimpse of a photo half hidden beneath my nightstand. I remained on my knees, staring at his face, unable to touch it.
I’d taken this picture. We were in the woods behind his house. I’d stolen his camera away from him and started to snap pictures of him. He’d always been the one behind the camera, so he was a reluctant subject. He chased after me, trying to get the camera back. The image was a black and white photo of his hand reaching for the camera. But I could see his eyes behind his outstretched fingers. They were grey and translucent on the paper; there was a shine to them, reflecting light. He was smiling. I didn’t have to see the rest of his face to know that.
I love that picture. My heart squeezed tight as his voice whispered to me, reminding me of just how much I missed him.
I hadn’t allowed myself to feel anything since I’d left him in that house. But now I was barraged with more emotion than I could handle. And I was finding it impossible to breathe.
‘Emma, you ready to …’ Serena’s voice faded away.
I forced myself to exhale, to find the strength to look away from the image.
‘Yeah.’ My voice cracked as I stood on unsteady legs. ‘I’m ready.’
Serena studied my face when I turned towards her. Her eyes flicked to the picture on the floor, but she didn’t say anything. I pushed out another breath and stilled the quake of my hands by clenching them into tight fists.
Shoving my foot in my shoe, I tied the laces hastily and said with a forced smile, ‘Let’s go.’ The black hole of emptiness that had protected me all of this time refused to shroud me in its shadows like I needed it to. I couldn’t shut everything off any more.
The contemplative look in Serena’s eyes disappeared with a blink. Her face lit up with a wide smile. ‘Okay, c’mon!’
When we arrived at the club, there was already a line of eager fans forming along the sidewalk.
‘Hey, Guy,’ Serena greeted the bouncer with bright eyes. He stood without expression in front of the entrance, his muscles heaving beneath a shirt that looked like it was about to burst. He was primed for ass-kicking.
‘Serena,’ he acknowledged and stepped to the side to allow us to enter. There were groans behind us as we slipped though the front doors.
Serena liked to arrive early to watch the last-minute bustling as the club prepared for the show. She also wanted to see James before he had to take his post in front of the stage.
He found us at our usual spot, seated on the crushed velvet couch on the second level. He sat between us and leaned into the crook of Serena’s arm after he kissed her hello.
‘James, will you let Emma stage dive tonight?’ Serena asked, stroking his smooth-shaven head affectionately.
‘You really want to stage dive?’ he asked me with a sceptical crooked grin. ‘Girls usually get groped when they do that. It’s not pretty. And then I may have to fuck the douchebags up.’
‘Maybe not then,’ I replied. Desperate to try anything that would allow me to breathe again, I hadn’t considered the groping part of stage diving. I figured adrenaline was a better choice than alcohol. If I couldn’t be numb, I could at least get my heart pumping to temporarily dull the pain. But having strangers fondle me didn’t sound very appealing. I slumped back into the couch.
‘What if she falls backwards?’ Serena suggested. I jerked my head up at this option.
‘You can try. Not many people do that because they can’t see who’s going to catch them, and it’s a trust issue. Your ass will definitely be grabbed no matter what. Why don’t you crowd-surf so you don’t have to fall?’
I considered it, but knew that wouldn’t be the same. ‘I need to fall,’ I explained. ‘And I can live with the ass-grabbing.’
James wrinkled his forehead in confusion. ‘Why do you want to do it?’
‘Because I can’t breathe,’ I stated flatly. Their eyes steadied on me.
James released a laugh, shaking his head. ‘I don’t get you. Is that why you don’t go out with guys, because you’re –’
‘James!’ Serena scolded, smacking the back of his head with the palm of her hand.
‘I didn’t mean it like that,’ he said defensively. ‘She’s just … different, that’s all. It’s not a bad thing.’ He turned towards me. ‘You know I think you’re cool. But I still don’t get you.’ Serena eyes tightened at his honesty.
‘It’s okay,’ I replied, unaffected. ‘I don’t get me either.’ James grinned.
‘They’re about to let in the masses,’ he reported, his hand covering his earpiece so he could hear better. ‘I need to go. I’ll see you after the show.’ He kissed Serena and walked off towards his post.
Out of Breath (The Breathing Series #3) Page 4