Out of Breath (The Breathing Series #3)

by Donovan, Rebecca

  The leggy blonde leaned over and said, ‘For later, when you are ready.’ She set a napkin in front of Evan and walked away, moving her hips to accentuate the curves she didn’t have.

  ‘Uh …’ I fumbled, noticing the phone number she’d set in front of him.

  Evan used the napkin to pick up the lime she’d left on the bar and stuffed it in the empty shot glass before throwing it away.

  ‘Having fun?’ he asked, not appearing affected by what had just happened. I stood in front of him, beyond uncomfortable. I could only nod, awaiting my drink.

  Evan noticed my inability to speak and smiled in that amused way he did. ‘You saw that, huh?’

  I pressed my lips together and nodded again. It was all I could seem to do.

  ‘Not interested.’ Evan raised a shoulder, grinning at me again. He turned to pull a bottle of water from the tub behind him and prepared my drink. I glanced around to keep from watching him, while I waited. He handed me a cup with an umbrella in it, wrapped in a napkin.

  ‘Thanks,’ I uttered barely audibly, and walked away.

  When I returned to the chair, I peeled off the napkin, which was already getting wet, about to crumple it up when I noticed the blue ink. A phone number was smeared across it, along with FOR LATER, EVAN. I let out a laugh, drawing Sara’s attention.

  ‘What’s so funny?’ she demanded, studying me carefully.

  I couldn’t keep the smile from my face as I shook my head dismissively. I folded the napkin in half and concealed it beneath the edge of my strapless top. It occurred to me that I didn’t have his phone number saved in my phone, and I should hold on to it. Besides, it was funny.

  ‘You don’t want to tell me, do you?’ Sara snapped, feigning offence. I glanced at Cole, who was in a surfing conversation with the guy standing in front of him. Sara noticed and nodded in understanding. ‘Later.’ I nodded in return.

  After a day of drinks and sun, night fell and the party escalated to a new level. Many of the girls opted to change, while others continued to flaunt their bikini-clad bodies. The guys who’d spent the day surfing arrived to provide a little more gender balance, much to Brent’s disappointment.

  The inside became the dance floor, as intended. I leaned against the wall, taking a look around, and was about to take a sip, when I stopped with the bottle pressed against my lips. Emma twirled under Sara’s arm, laughing. My breath faltered at the sight of her body moving to the rhythm, rocking her hips in a pair of low-riding white shorts. She revealed more of her flat stomach, her arms swaying in the air.

  ‘You gotta look away right now,’ Nate demanded in my ear. I jerked my head towards him.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Dude, he’s about to kick your ass,’ Nate warned quietly, his eyes flicking across the room. I looked over to find Cole glaring at me.

  ‘Shit,’ I muttered, turning away. ‘I couldn’t help it. I’ve never seen her move like that.’

  ‘Maybe you should get behind the bar,’ Nate advised. I nodded and cut through to the far end of the room.

  ‘Hey, Evan!’ TJ greeted me. ‘You taking over for me?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I replied, trying to calm.

  ‘Wanna do a shot with me before I go? You look like you could use one.’

  ‘Sure,’ I answered without hesitation. He poured us shots of tequila.

  TJ held up his glass before slinging it back, then shaking off the bite. ‘Emma looks frickin’ hot, by the way.’

  ‘Yeah, thanks, TJ,’ I grumbled.

  TJ laughed. ‘That’s why you needed the shot, isn’t it? Fuck, man. If you’re going to try to avoid checking her out, then you definitely need a few more shots. I’ll do another with you just to help you out.’

  I smiled. ‘Thanks for sacrificing yourself for me.’ I poured us another shot and swallowed it down, breathing out the tequila through my teeth. ‘I’m not sure that’s going to help.’

  ‘Well, it’ll take out some of the sting when she goes home with Cole tonight,’ TJ remarked, laughing.

  ‘Fuck you, TJ,’ I shot back, making him laugh harder. ‘You can leave the bar now.’

  ‘No problem,’ he responded, slipping into the crowd.

  ‘Do you want another drink?’ Sara yelled to me over the noise of the crowd and the music.

  I paused to consider where I was in the spectrum of drunkenness. ‘Will you split one with me?’

  ‘Yeah,’ Sara said, taking my hand to lead me to the bar.

  Before we neared it, Cole caught my other hand and asked, ‘Dance with me?’

  I looked up at him in surprise and nodded, never having seen him dance before. He led me through the crowd to the middle of the dance floor and held me close. I draped my arms around his neck, and his breath tickled my skin. We slowly moved to the beat, our bodies pressed tight with his hands cradling my hips.

  ‘Are you still planning to find your friend in New York?’ he asked with his mouth close to my ear.

  ‘Honestly, I’m not even sure where to look for him,’ I responded, my eyes dipping towards the floor. ‘And I think I’m too late … again.’

  Cole sensed my change in demeanour and pulled me closer, kissing my neck. ‘I’m sorry.’

  His hips rocked against mine. I slid my hand down to rest on his chest and could feel his heart beating faster. That’s when I realized that mine wasn’t. My pulse was even, and my skin wasn’t tingling like it usually did when he touched me. I looked up in surprise. His clear blue eyes inspected mine. He knew it too.

  Cole stopped moving and dropped his hands. He kept his focus on me, waiting for me to say something. But I remained silent, still stunned with the realization that our connection was gone. And he heard every unspoken word.

  Cole shook his head in disbelief. ‘Really? That’s it?’ I reached for him, but he moved back a step. ‘Don’t bother.’ He brushed past me and pushed his way through the crowd, leaving me standing motionless, looking after him.

  The dancing bodies filled in the empty space, moving around me as I remained perfectly still, shocked by what had just happened.

  ‘Hey,’ Sara hollered, parting the crowd with the drink held out in front of her. ‘Here.’ She handed me the cup and I took a long sip. ‘Where’s Cole?’ She scanned the crowd in search of him.

  ‘He left,’ I told her.

  She drew her brows together. ‘Why? What happened?’

  ‘Nothing,’ I answered simply. ‘Nothing happened.’ And that was the problem. I sighed guiltily.

  ‘Dance with me,’ Sara exclaimed, taking my hand and spinning me around to distract me, replacing the guilt with a subtle swirl in my head. Sara offered me the cup again, and I shook my head, not needing to add to it.

  I closed the bedroom door behind me, shutting out the laughter and music that was still going on upstairs. I’d pulled the liquor from the outside bar and let the guys take care of the one upstairs, since Brent and TJ were still ‘entertaining’. Nate and Ren had passed out a while ago. I couldn’t recall seeing Ren most of the night, but that’s how it usually was with him.

  I stripped off my shirt, threw it in the corner and emptied my shorts’ pockets, dumping the contents on the nightstand next to the bed, along with my phone. I kicked off my shoes and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth.

  When I came back into the bedroom, my phone was lit up. I picked it up and found, Is it later yet? displayed across the screen. I paused, not recognizing the California number. I released a deep breath, wondering if one of the guys had handed out my number.

  Then I realized I had.

  It IS later. Where are you?

  I waited for her to respond. And my brows raised when my phone lit up again with, Outside your room.

  I walked over to the curtain, slid it back and grinned when Emma waved to me from the other side of the sliding glass door.

  ‘Hi,’ I said when he opened the door, my heart beating a million miles a minute. I’d told myself this was a bad idea for the past half hour, but s
till found my way from the beach back up to this patio, staring at his room – and eventually texting him when I saw his light turn on. I was convinced I’d die if he was in there with another girl.

  ‘Hi,’ Evan responded, his breathtaking grin greeting me. ‘What are you doing out here?’

  ‘Umm … nothing.’

  Evan laughed. ‘Are you lost?’

  ‘Most likely,’ I answered, shuffling my bare feet.

  ‘Would you like to come in?’ he offered. I lifted my eyes, having a hard time looking at him without his shirt on. My heart skipped several beats and my entire face lit on fire. ‘You don’t have to.’

  ‘Sure,’ I finally muttered, averting my eyes to avoid getting lost in the deep curves of his chest and intricate lines of his stomach. I took a breath and forced myself forward into his room while he held back the curtain for me.

  Evan slid the door closed and replaced the curtain. I looked around the room nervously, trying to find the courage to say what I’d been saying over in my head for the past hour and a half as I roamed the beach.

  She was nervous. Adorably nervous. I had no idea why she was in my room, but I wasn’t about to turn her away. The flower was gone and the curls tossed loosely around her head. I glanced at her bare feet and noticed the sand on them. Emma’s eyes scanned every inch of the room, avoiding looking at me.

  ‘Emma?’

  She turned towards me, darting her eyes from the floor up to my face and back down. I tried not to laugh, but it was quite amusing. ‘Are you drunk?’

  ‘A little,’ she admitted shyly. ‘Are you?’

  ‘A little,’ I repeated. The shots having done their job.

  ‘That’s kinda good,’ she said, biting at her full lower lip, which was making it really difficult not to look at it.

  ‘Why’s that?’

  ‘It’ll make it easier,’ she responded cryptically. She was going to make me pull it out of her, I could tell. I took a shallow breath, recognizing I needed to draw on my patience.

  ‘Make what easier?’ I asked gently.

  ‘Can we, umm, shut off the lights?’ she asked suddenly, taking me by surprise.

  ‘I suppose,’ I said in confusion, ‘but then we’ll be standing in the dark.’

  I frowned at my patheticness. How was I supposed to talk to him without looking at him? And I couldn’t look at him if he didn’t put a shirt on.

  Before I changed my mind or asked if he’d put a shirt on, which I knew was going to sound even more ridiculous, Evan offered, ‘We could sit on the bed … in the dark … if you want, so then, well … what did you come here for, Emma?’

  I couldn’t breathe. I nodded and moved towards the bed, not answering his question. My mind was swirling with panic, and I couldn’t form a cohesive sentence. I was going to pass out before I even uttered a single word, and then all the courage I’d mustered to walk up here would be for nothing.

  I plopped down on the bed and waited for Evan to shut off the light.

  I clicked the light off and noticed she was lying on the bed instead of sitting. I scooted onto the bed beside her. She was perfectly still, with her head on the pillow across from me. It was too dark to see her face, but I could hear her quick breaths, like she was getting all worked up. I knew her brain must be in overdrive, figuring out what to do next.

  ‘Better?’ I asked in a whisper.

  ‘Yeah,’ Emma answered quickly. After a moment, my eyes adjusted to the dark. The glow seeping through the curtain provided enough light for me to see her silhouette.

  Emma shifted on her back and began playing with her hands like she did when she was nervous. I waited. She remained silent. Eventually, she turned back on her side to face me, a little closer than she was before. I could feel her breath on my lips.

  ‘Are you still kinda drunk?’ she asked softly, making me laugh.

  ‘Kinda,’ I replied. She was silent again. ‘Why?’

  ‘Are you more honest when you’re kinda drunk?’

  ‘Umm … I suppose,’ I answered, intrigued by where this was headed.

  ‘Me too,’ she spouted nervously. ‘Will you tell me one thing that you normally wouldn’t say to me if you weren’t kinda drunk, so that I know that you are?’

  I smiled at her request. ‘Okay,’ I could feel my body respond to her closeness, and drew in a breath. ‘I’d really like to kiss you,’ I whispered, my heart thumping louder.

  Her breathing faltered as I reached over and ran my hand along her cheek.

  I closed my eyes to his touch, unable to breathe properly. I actually wasn’t convinced I was breathing at all. ‘I don’t want you to kiss me,’ I said in a whisper, my heart contradicting my words with its frantic fluttering.

  ‘Okay,’ he responded, pulling his hand away.

  I almost regretted saying it as the warmth of his touch disappeared, but I forced myself to focus, and said, ‘Because … I came here … to tell you something.’

  He was quiet. Almost too quiet. I was about to lose my nerve when he murmured, ‘I’m listening.’

  I took a breath of courage and said, ‘I left to protect you.’

  Evan was quiet again. I could see his outline in the dark, watching his shoulder rise and fall as he breathed evenly. ‘From what?’

  ‘Me,’ I said, my voice catching. I had convinced myself I could tell him, to give him the answer he wanted most, and do it without breaking down. But I knew now that wasn’t going to be possible.

  ‘I don’t understand,’ he responded, his voice cautious.

  ‘I think I’m doing the right thing. But I never do. Every decision I’ve made to protect the people I care about has been wrong. And I only end up hurting them.’ My throat closed in around those last words.

  This is what we do. We hurt people.

  I fought to regain my composure. ‘How many times did I have to hurt you, Evan? How many times were you going to keep coming back so I could do it again?’ I inhaled a quick breath as the tears broke the barrier and rolled over the bridge of my nose, soaking into the pillow. ‘I was doing to you the same thing my mother did to me. And I couldn’t let you keep coming back for more. I couldn’t continue to hurt you. The only way to save you was to leave.’

  The admission that I was as destructive as my mother twisted my heart. I never wanted to be her. But more of her ran through my veins than I ever wanted to admit. And I needed to push him away before I left him as broken and empty as I’d become.

  I tucked my face into the pillow so he wouldn’t hear my jagged breaths. My entire body tightened against the ache that crept through my muscles. Honesty hurt.

  His silence slowly tortured me as my body shook next to him.

  I didn’t know what to say. I clenched my jaw as I fought not to touch her, unsure if I should. The muscles along my back were rigid with an anger that I could not deny. I was at conflict with two emotions: the one that wanted to comfort her and keep her from hurting, and the one that was furious that she’d left me, making me suffer all this time without ever taking into account what she was truly doing to me.

  Her cries were muffled in the pillow, and I could see her body quiver. In that moment of pause, I knew which side would win. It always would. I moved closer and pulled her in to me, shushing her tears away. She cried against my chest as I wrapped her in my arms and tried to assuage her guilt. The guilt that broke my heart two years ago. The guilt that I would have to fight in order to save us both.

  26

  Letting Go

  I PRESSED MY NOSE AGAINST HER HAIR AND inhaled the soft, clean scent. I’d been listening to Emma breathe since she drifted to sleep. I knew the sun was up on the other side of the curtains, and she’d probably be waking soon. Sleep never happened for me. The rest of my night was spent reliving every second of our life together – trying to find the moment she started to slip away from me. And I kept coming back to Jonathan.

  She’d sought me out last night, obviously nervous, to provide me with the answer to the quest
ion. That answer still echoed in my head – she’d left to protect me. So she wouldn’t keep hurting me.

  Emma had always had a different way of processing the world and her place in it. I knew pretty much from the beginning that she was going to be a challenge to understand. But that was one of the things that drew me to her. I wanted to understand, to figure her out.

  And she’d been letting me in, a question at a time. It was what I’d always wanted from her. I didn’t get what was different now, other than the guilt. The guilt had absolutely changed her.

  I looked down at her, wrapping my arm around her waist. She looked so different. It was more than the short hair and thin frame. She seemed so … delicate. My body could surround hers easily, shielding her from whatever harm sought her. But what waited to destroy her was on the inside. And I’d been witnessing the progression of that destruction since the moment I saw her staring out the window of the funeral home.

  I didn’t know how to save her from herself. I felt helpless. A feeling that didn’t sit well with me – but one I’d experienced too often when it came to Emma Thomas. Her question plagued me – how many times did I have to keep coming back to be hurt by her before I’d had enough?

  I pulled her to me and inhaled her again. ‘But how do I let you go, Emma?’ I whispered into her hair. I still didn’t know the whole truth.

  I leaned over her and pushed the loose strands back to see her face. She looked so peaceful, with her dark lashes hiding the torment that lay beneath. I admired her sloping nose and her soft full lips. I could never get over how beautiful she was.

  ‘I don’t know what to do,’ I murmured just as my phone vibrated on top of the loose change spread on the nightstand. I rolled back quickly and silenced it, afraid it would wake her, but she didn’t move.

  Have you seen Emma? I woke up and she’s not here. And she’s not answering her phone.

  I picked up the phone lying next to Emma and pushed the display button; the screen remained blank.

  I responded to Sara’s text. She’s here. Her phone’s dead.

  I draped my arm back around Emma, about to actually try to fall asleep, when my phone vibrated again. I’m coming to get her.