Out of Breath (The Breathing Series #3)

by Donovan, Rebecca

  ‘You don’t have to let me, Emma. I already do. You just have to love me back. With everything you have. And that’s all I need. I need you. All of you.’

  The raw intensity of our unfiltered words was consuming. I was terrified and exhilarated all at once. She was finally opening up, exposing herself to me, and I couldn’t have asked her to be any more honest. But at the same time, I was disturbed by what she was saying. And I was fearful about where this was heading.

  There was a heartbreaking sadness in her eyes. Emma slid away from me and off the hammock. I watched her walk towards the stairs, where she turned and waited for me. I followed her down to the beach, accompanied by the sound of the volatile waves crashing to shore. We walked for some time, our eyes on our feet.

  ‘I need to be honest with you.’ My voice finally broke through the silence. ‘If we’re going to have a chance of moving forward, then I have to tell you everything that happened after you left. It’s not going to be easy to hear, but I need you to listen … to all of it.’

  ‘Okay,’ she said quietly, her voice nearly swept away in the ocean breeze.

  I sat on the sand, and she lowered herself next to me. Feeling the pressure of her body huddled tight against my arm, I stared out at the coursing waves.

  ‘When you left me like that, in that house. That awful house. I was so angry. I couldn’t understand how you could disappear from my life without a word. That anger overpowered any other feelings I had for you. I wanted to let you go. I was convinced you’d chosen him.’

  ‘Jonathan?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I replied, trying to relax my shoulders. ‘I didn’t know what to think. But after what he said that night, about how you confided in him, with secrets you could never tell me … I just assumed.’

  ‘It wasn’t like that,’ she insisted.

  ‘Then what was it like, Emma? What happened between you two?’ I begged. ‘Did you love him?’

  ‘No, I didn’t love him.’ Her eyes glistened as they flickered in the dark.

  ‘But he loved you,’ I said in a whisper.

  ‘He thought he did.’ She looked away. ‘And I do care about him.’

  ‘Still?’ I asked. She didn’t answer. My fists clenched against my knees, the text flashing through my head.

  ‘Why does he get to forgive you, when you didn’t want that from me?’ I asked, the edge in my voice rising to the surface. Emma turned towards me, her eyes flashing with shock. I wanted her to tell me. I needed her to. ‘Are you going to tell me what happened?’

  Emma’s eyes pooled with tears. She shook her head slightly and looked back out at the water.

  I closed my eyes to collect myself and asked another question that had been plaguing me. ‘What did that letter say, Emma?’

  Anger still lingered in Evan’s voice.

  ‘You know about the letter?’ My stomach hollowed. Evan knew way more than he was supposed to … about everything.

  ‘I found the envelope, and I tore my mother’s office apart looking for the rest of it. We never talked about it, and she never told me. Not until last week, when she admitted that it existed. That letter changed my life. I think I deserve to know what it said.’

  I pressed my forehead against my bent knees. ‘It doesn’t matter any more.’

  ‘I don’t want to be angry, Em. I want to forgive you. But first we need to be honest … about everything. I still don’t understand how you thought that leaving wouldn’t destroy me. Because it did. You couldn’t have hurt me any worse.’

  I stifled a sob and clutched my knees harder.

  ‘I know this is hard. But I need you to keep listening, okay?’

  ‘I’m listening,’ I murmured, barely audible.

  ‘After you left, the school made up some lie that you chose to leave for Stanford early, and wouldn’t be at graduation. But everyone knew. They were all at the party where we never showed. They saw my face when I came back from Cornell a few days later. My cuts were barely healed by graduation. No one knew the details, but they figured that whatever happened to me had something to do with why you left. And then … I had to give that fucking speech, the valedictorian speech you were supposed to make.’

  ‘What about Ben? He was the salutatorian,’ I questioned, feeling increasingly ill the more he spoke.

  ‘He refused.’ Evan shrugged. ‘I don’t know the exact details, but I ended up having to give a speech that was supposed to encourage everyone to go after their dreams. How was I supposed to convince them to look forward to their futures when I couldn’t see two steps in front of me? It was a disaster.

  ‘And then I went to Yale. I wanted nothing to do with you, so I didn’t fight it at first. It wasn’t in me to care any more. I’d go to classes during the week, and spend the weekends at home … with Analise.’

  ‘Analise?’ My voice broke.

  I lifted my eyes towards the shifting sky and gathered myself. Knowing how much I was hurting her was killing me, which was the reason I didn’t want to share this with her to begin with. But I was convinced it was the only way we’d finally be able to heal.

  ‘She was always a friend. She cared about me. And so we’d hang out, and she’d try to take my mind off you. And I let her. By Christmas the worst of my anger had disappeared. But then I wanted answers. I needed to see you, so I could ask you why. I tried to come out here over break, but my parents wouldn’t let me touch my savings, and my father eventually took my car away when they realized how determined I was.

  ‘I couldn’t reach you. The McKinleys were as evasive as everyone else, and Sara didn’t even pick up my calls. I was so cruel to her after you left, basically taking it out on her, forcing her to avoid me completely – even while she and Jared were still dating. I wasn’t myself, and I was dragging everyone down with me in my misery.’

  I paused to look over at her. Emma was clutching her knees tightly to her chest as her body trembled.

  ‘Are you okay?’ I asked, wanting to comfort her. But I couldn’t bring myself to touch her … not yet.

  ‘Keep going,’ she murmured, her voice strained.

  This was torturing her. Guilt was her poison, and I was pouring it down her throat. I continued with the honesty, hoping in the end she could let it all go.

  ‘Analise tried to rationalize with me, about how it was your choice and that I needed to respect it and leave you alone. But she didn’t know you – not like I did. It was hard for her to see me go through it. I think it was right around the beginning of the next year that we started dating. She was finishing her senior year, and I was … I wasn’t doing much of anything. If she wasn’t there to make me, there were days I wouldn’t get out of bed.

  ‘I can’t even imagine what that was like for her. I have no idea why she wanted anything to do with me.’

  The thought of her comforting him, convincing him to let me go, made my chest want to cave in on itself. I squeezed my legs tighter to keep from falling apart.

  ‘She tried,’ he continued, as much as I wished he’d stop. ‘But she wasn’t you. And as long as you were out there somewhere … I couldn’t let you go until I got the answers I needed. At least that’s what I convinced myself. When she saw the transfer application to Stanford that broke her. She thought I was going after you. And on some level, I guess I was. She had every right to hate me. But then, inexplicably, she forgave me.

  ‘Something went wrong with the transfer. I should have suspected something, but I didn’t. She eventually confessed to withdrawing the transfer because she wanted to keep me from getting hurt again. I was furious. She’d become yet another person making decisions for me. So I stopped talking to her, and we never saw each other again … well, until she showed up at my house the day of Rachel’s funeral.’

  ‘She did?’ I asked in shock. ‘Why?’

  ‘She knew you were in Weslyn for the funeral. Maybe she wanted to be there for me, in case I … But … I wanted to be there for you.’

  ‘Did you … love her? Forget it. I
don’t –’ I stopped, clenching my teeth together. ‘I don’t want to think of you with her.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said soothingly. ‘I know subconsciously that’s why I did it. To hurt you. And that’s so messed up. But she was a good friend, Em, as much as you didn’t like her.’

  ‘I know,’ I muttured.

  ‘So I’m not perfect in all of this. I’ve done some pretty awful things to people I cared about. I ruined a good friendship with Analise. I slept with Catherine, even though I never cared about, or even liked her. She was just another in a line of catastrophic choices. All because I was desperate to get over you. But they were my choices. Your choice was to leave. The rest were mine.’

  My body shook as I bent over and cried into my arms.

  I didn’t want to hurt her any more. There was only so much honesty a person could take, and she’d reached her limit. But I wasn’t done. I knew if I didn’t finish now, she wouldn’t understand, and I’d risk losing her for good.

  ‘The nightmares started last summer when I realized I wasn’t going to Stanford in the fall. I’d broken things off with Analise, and I was convinced you were never coming back. I wanted to move on, to try to live a life without you, but I wasn’t living. Emma –’ She lifted her tear-stained face. ‘I’m not supposed to live without you. And you’re not supposed to live without me. We’re in this life together. Without each other, we’re not really living.’

  ‘Why did I have to know?’ I asked in a broken voice. ‘Because it hurts to think of you with … them, to know what I did to you. It’s like you’re squeezing my heart with your bare hands. I know I deserve it. But why tell me?’

  ‘Because we need to always be honest, even when it’s hard. And you need to know that I’m not perfect either. I’ve screwed up, and I’m so sorry. But it’s done now. And whatever you’re holding on to that makes you think I’ll hate you, I want you to be able to tell me, and know that even if it hurts me, I’m not going anywhere.’

  ‘You can’t say that,’ I argued. ‘Evan, what if I did the most awful thing you could imagine? I don’t know if you could still love me.’

  ‘But I know you, Emma. I do know you. Your heart won’t let you do anything that could make me not love you. And I’ve seen your vicious side. I was there when you confronted Rachel. I’ve seen how ruthless you can be. It’s a side I don’t like, but you don’t either. So I’m not afraid that’s who truly you are. Because it’s not. It’s the hurt and pain lashing out, needing to make someone else feel the way you did all those years. It’s not good, Em. But it doesn’t define you.’

  My heart was pounding erratically. He was offering a safe place for us to open up and tell each other what we knew would hurt, owning up to our faults with the expectation of letting go and moving on. An exchange of our most awful mistakes. But I was holding on to something far darker than he could imagine, and it would change the way he looked at me. I couldn’t do it. I knew if I did, I’d lose him forever, and then I’d be worse than nothing.

  ‘I’m not ready,’ I whispered. ‘I’m sorry.’

  I could see her fighting with it, the decision to tell me whatever it was that still held her captive, keeping her from me. I knew in every muscle of my body that it had to do with Jonathan. Something did happen between them. But she had to be the one to tell me. And as long this secret still loomed between us, I wouldn’t be able to completely forgive her. I also knew I couldn’t breathe without her.

  ‘I’ll give you time. But we’re not going to be able to move on if you can’t tell me everything.’ Her eyes dipped sorrowfully. ‘Come here.’ I held my arms open, and she moved between my legs, leaning her back into me so I could wrap my arms around her. She laid her head on my arm, and I kissed the top of her head. ‘We’ll get through this. I believe in us.’

  Emma wrapped her arms around mine and squeezed. ‘I want to believe.’

  ‘Look at me.’

  She twisted around to face me. Her eyes were raw from crying, and her breath trembled with each inhale. I ran my finger along her damp cheeks. ‘I love you.’

  I peered into his intense blue eyes. They bared all that was vulnerable and pure in him. The part that just wanted to protect me, to encourage me to be better, to make me happy. He revealed it so plainly, my chest swelled with a flittering warmth. If I knew anything, I knew he loved me.

  ‘And you love me.’ He stated it as the truth it was.

  ‘I do. Loving you is the only certainty in my life. I will never stop. But it was because of how much I love you that I ended up hurting you so badly. I only wanted you to be happy, and be rid of my destructive life. And you’re so beautiful and perfect – even with your flaws. I couldn’t destroy you too.’

  Evan laid his hand on the side of my face. ‘Stop trying to protect me from your life. I knew exactly what I was getting into. I never doubted you loved me, not ever. All I want is for you to trust me, Emma. Please.’

  ‘Trust isn’t going to save me,’ I told him, pressing my forehead against his chest as he hugged me tight.

  ‘Let’s go back to the house,’ Evan said, nestling his chin into my hair.

  I helped her off the sand and held her against my side as we walked back into the house. Disclosure was draining. Every part of me ached.

  ‘Will you stay with me tonight?’ she asked in a hush, leaning in to me. I could feel the energy seeping from her.

  ‘I wouldn’t be able to sleep unless I did,’ I said, pulling the smallest smile from her exhausted face. I led her into the room, and she practically collapsed on the bed, kicking her shoes off with her toes. I slid the covers out from under her and after removing my shorts and shoes, slid in behind her, pulling her to me so I could feel her heart beating against my chest. ‘Emma?’

  ‘Hmm,’ she murmured, already half asleep.

  ‘When can I kiss you?’

  I was too exhausted to move, but that one question released an unexpected surge, and I was suddenly very much awake. I rolled over to face him, and he grinned at me. ‘Hi.’

  ‘Hi.’ I smiled softly, running my hand into his hair. ‘You can kiss me now.’

  My heart stammered as his lips pressed against mine. So familiar, but different at the same time. Our passion increased as he pulled my lip into his mouth and slid his tongue in mine.

  Heat surged through me as her lips teased mine, her tongue caressing in a slow sensual pace. I gripped her tighter, having wanted, needed, to taste her for so long. My pulse raced as I leaned into her, sliding my hand along her back. She gasped as the pressure of our bodies intensified. I opened my mouth and teased the spot below her ear with my tongue. She released a small sound of pleasure that drove me crazy. My breathing picked up as I found her lips again, pressing against them with urgency.

  I knew that we needed to stop, but the more she breathed in quick pants, the more my body responded, not wanting to pull away. She dug her fingers in my hair, and I was consumed by the softness of her lips, the touch of her tongue – her subtle floral scent intoxicating me. Emma wrapped her leg around me and tilted her head back to expose her throat, inviting me to take it. I trailed my mouth along it, tasting the salt on her skin.

  She reached for my boxers, and that’s when I knew this wasn’t that moment. We were raw and hurt, and this wasn’t going to heal us. I gently moved her hands away and whispered in her ear, ‘I want you so bad, but we need to stop.’

  I sank into the bed. ‘I know,’ I breathed, trying to recover. I was so caught up in the need for him, wanting him, that I couldn’t stop even when the resounding voice told me, Not yet.

  I leaned over to see his face, to run my hand over his cheek and caress his lip with my thumb. I stared into the depths of his eyes, and my entire world steadied as I lay there in his arms – exactly where I belonged.

  37

  All About Tomorrow

  ‘WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO TOMORROW?’ Sara asked from the hammock.

  ‘Evan went to go pick up my surfboard, so I’d like t
o go surfing,’ I answered, leaning back on the stool to scrutinize the painting in front of me. I picked up the fine-bristled brush and tapped it into the dark blue paint.

  ‘Didn’t you buy that last week?’

  ‘Yeah, but they had to get it from another shop. We were supposed to pick it up yesterday, but something got screwed up with the delivery. Evan was beyond disappointed when it wasn’t in.’ I smiled, remembering the crushed look on his face when the guy at the surf shop told him he’d have to come back this afternoon. You would have thought he’d just been told there wasn’t a Santa Claus.

  ‘I’d love to watch you surf,’ Sara said, a magazine shading her face.

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘Then want to go out to dinner after? Just the four of us?’

  ‘That’s fine,’ I agreed, not really wanting to think about tomorrow. It wasn’t a day I ever wanted to think about.

  ‘I have it!’ Evan bellowed through the house, his voice full of excitement.

  He came out to find us, his eyes lit up with a gorgeous smile. ‘You officially have your first surfboard.’

  ‘Great.’ I laughed lightly. ‘We’ll go tomorrow.’

  ‘Tomorrow?’ His shoulders slumped in disappointment.

  I smiled wider, adoring his fixation with seeing me on a board. ‘It’s already late. We’ll go first thing in the morning. I promise.’

  ‘Tomorrow,’ Evan repeated in defeat, coming up behind me and placing his hands on my waist, sending a tingling along my skin. He leaned over and kissed my bare shoulder before setting his chin on it to examine the painting. I leaned back against him as he encircled me with his arms.

  ‘It’s not done yet,’ I rushed to explain, my cheeks as red as the hues on the canvas. I could feel him interpreting every stroke.

  ‘It’s intense.’

  It was a powerful piece, but unsettling at the same time. I wasn’t going to say that to her, but I’m sure she knew. The desperation she released with her brush was impossible to miss. A swirl of colour and textures, abstract images of hands reaching out through turbulent seas, blending with the motion of the waves. It fed the disturbing sense I had that there was some deep-seated desire in her to give up on this life. It wasn’t the first time I’d experienced this fear.