Out of Breath (The Breathing Series #3)

by Donovan, Rebecca

  This wasn’t what he was supposed to say.

  ‘Emma?’

  ‘I don’t understand. You still … love me?’

  He released the slightest chuckle. ‘Yeah, I do. And I know you’re not the same girl. But I’m in love with you, Emma. I fell in love with you all over again this summer. People change. I know this. And we’ll continue to change. That just means I’ll get to fall in love with you again. Because no matter what happens in our lives, what I feel for you will survive anything.‘

  I was so afraid I’d lost him – that he could never love me. It had never occurred to me that he could forgive me. That he could love me as much as I love him. There was no way he was saying this. There was no way he was forgiving me. But he was.

  I collapsed on the steering wheel and sobbed, the phone slipping from my hand.

  ‘Emma?’ I heard him call to me, and I fumbled to pick it up. ‘Emma?’

  Between broken breaths, I responded, ‘I’m here.’

  ‘You need to have more confidence in me,’ he said lightly.

  ‘Sorry. I just –’

  ‘I know,’ he interrupted. ‘But don’t ever doubt me again.’

  ‘Never,’ I said, releasing a calming breath. ‘And no more secrets.’

  ‘No more secrets. So where are you?’

  ‘At a rest stop, somewhere in Oklahoma,’ I answered, looking around the busy rest area.

  ‘Oklahoma? Why are you there?’

  ‘I just felt like getting in a car and driving.’

  ‘How long were you planning on doing that?’

  ‘Until I found something worth stopping for,’ I answered, wiping my damp face and sinking back against the seat.

  ‘And you’re stopped now, right?’

  I smiled. ‘Yes.’

  ‘I’ll take that as being worthy,’ he teased, making me smile wider. ‘Are you planning to drive all the way here?’

  ‘I was thinking about it,’ I responded. ‘I figured I’d be back by this weekend.’

  ‘I’m flying to Connecticut this weekend,’ Evan informed me. ‘I have to pick up my things. My mother sold the house, and everything has to be out by this Sunday.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yeah,’ he murmured. ‘But it doesn’t matter any more. I have you.’ Then he paused. ‘Right?’

  I laughed, swiping at my eyes. ‘Yes. You have me.’

  ‘Good. Call me when you stop driving tonight, please?’

  ‘I will,’ I promised. ‘Bye, Evan.’

  ‘Bye, Emma.’ I let out a long breath, relieved she’d called me back. I held up the letter she’d left on the bedside table, and ran my finger over the ink with a soft smile. The letter that had once again changed my life.

  I love him more than he will ever know. And because of that, I choose his happiness.

  Those two lines were all that she’d written. And it took a phone call to my mother to understand. She repeated Emma’s vow back to me, ‘I love him, but I would walk away before I’d ever let anything jeopardize his happiness.’ My mother claimed that this letter forced her to make one of the hardest decisions she’d ever had to make.

  I walked into the living room where Sara sat on the couch with her phone in her hand, texting. She eyed me curiously, then beamed. ‘You just spoke to Emma.’ I nodded, unable to hold back the smile. ‘Good.’

  ‘Thank you for talking to me. I don’t know if I would’ve been able to take a step back and understand what she was going through if you hadn’t helped me.’

  ‘You were angry, which was understandable,’ she explained simply. ‘It’s hard to see clearly through that much anger. Believe me, I’ve been friends with Emma for a long time. I’m kind of an expert by now.’

  I pulled in to the driveway and looked up at the large white farmhouse with a heavy chest.

  I used my key to open the door, the key I was supposed to leave on the kitchen counter before I left today. My footsteps echoed through the stark kitchen. The room seemed even larger now that everything had been removed.

  I ran my hand over the marble countertop, recalling all the conversations and meals shared there – not only with Emma but with my family too. I continued into the empty sitting room, with just the small crystal chandelier dangling in the middle of the room. Shadows of twilight stretched across the floor through the large picture window.

  I didn’t bother turning on the light as I walked down the hall, allowing the dimness to reflect my sombre mood. The piano sat in the same spot, mocking me – the last item left behind, besides what was in my room. The piano movers weren’t expected until the next day. I climbed the spiral stairs, the stairs I’d carried Emma up when she’d hurt her knee. I smiled faintly, remembering her irritation when I’d scooped her up unexpectedly.

  I stood outside my bedroom door and hesitated. This was the first house where I’d unpacked every single box, wanting to stay. All because of a girl with a fiery attitude and a blush that let me know exactly what she thought of me. That’s all it took, and I was hers. And now I had to leave the only place I’d ever considered home.

  I pushed the door open and flipped on the lights in the dark, cavernous room, but I remained within the doorframe, looking around curiously. It looked exactly how I’d left it. Unpacked.

  I walked over to the tux lying across the bed, with a note set on top.

  Put me on and come out back.

  I grinned.

  When he finally came outside, I was sitting on the swing with small twinkling lights glowing above me, like a thousand fireflies spread out along the wiry branches. It was enchanting. Exactly as I’d intended.

  I smiled brightly at the flawless guy dressed in the fitted tux. His golden-brown hair was swept neatly to the side, and he wore a smile that made my entire body ignite in rampant flutters.

  ‘Hi,’ he said, the lights sparkling in his eyes. ‘I’m glad you’re here. I’ve missed you.’

  ‘Hi,’ I responded, swinging gently on the swing. ‘I’ve missed you too.’

  There was no use trying to breathe when I saw her sitting on the swing in the strapless pink dress that floated around her. Her short brown hair framed her stunning face, and the lights in the trees illuminated her skin. I was mesmerized by the girl in front of me.

  ‘A guy once told me that a girl needed time to prepare for something like this,’ she said. ‘I think we’ve waited long enough. Evan Mathews, will you go to prom with me?’

  I laughed, my ears suddenly picking up the music coming from the pool area. ‘Yes, Emma, I’d love to go to prom with you.’ She hopped down from the swing and took the hand that I held out for her. I wrapped her securely in my arms, my nose pressed into her hair. After everything that had happened this summer, I just needed to hold her. And she needed to know she was mine, and that I was still hers. We remained in the embrace until her shoulders relaxed and she melted against me.

  I eased away, peering down at her radiant face. ‘You did this?’ I asked, nodding towards the tree.

  ‘No,’ she said with a light laugh. ‘I hired people to do it. I’d break my neck. But I planned it. Are you surprised?’

  ‘Very.’ I laughed, about to kiss her when she swung open the gate. The fire reflecting on the water caught my eye, and I turned my head.

  Emma beamed. ‘See. There is a pool.’

  Candles floated along the surface, and the entire patio was softly lit with colourful paper lanterns, reminding me of the ones she’d told me her father would hang for her in the back yard on her birthday.

  Wow, I mouthed. ‘This is amazing, Emma.’

  ‘I know. I’m pretty impressed with myself.’

  Evan laughed, sweeping his arm around my waist and guiding me closer. He leaned over and kissed me so gently it felt like a whisper against my lips. My eyes remained closed when he pulled away.

  ‘Breathe, Emma.’ His voice drifted in the breeze. I opened my eyes, and exhaled. He didn’t let me go, and we began swaying to the hypnotic sounds of femal
e vocals swirling through the air.

  ‘Thank you for doing this,’ he said, kissing my temple. ‘It means a lot to have you here, to share the last night in this house with me.’

  ‘Last night?’ she remarked, tilting her head up at me. ‘Why would tonight be your last night?’

  I scanned her face as her eyes twinkled in the soft light. ‘What aren’t you telling me, Emma?’ She revealed the most dazzling smile. ‘Tell me.’

  ‘Well … let’s just say that I made an investment in my future.’

  ‘You bought this house.’ We were no longer moving to the ethereal singer.

  ‘Technically, you own a portion of it,’ she explained. ‘Your mother accepted part of your savings as your offer, and Charles arranged for payment of the rest. So essentially you own your bedroom.’ She laughed. I wrapped my arms around her waist and swung her around, making her yell out in a joyous laugh.

  I kissed her neck. ‘We have a house.’

  ‘You have a room,’ she teased. ‘I have a house. Umm … the piano’s staying.’

  ‘I’m not playing it,’ he said quickly, causing me to smile.

  ‘I guess I’ll have to learn,’ I said, laying my head on his chest as we began to sway again.

  Elation seeped out of him like he might burst, and I was smiling so big it almost hurt. I was grateful that Vivian hadn’t accepted any other offers before I met her last weekend – although at the time I didn’t know I’d be the one living here. She’d shared a reflective moment with me regarding choices and love.

  Love was easy. All I had to do was look in his eyes and know that.

  In the uneven balance of my life, I’d experienced love and loss. The loss challenged me to be strong, but it was the love that supported me when I was weak. I was a survivor. And now I wanted to focus on living my life.

  This was just the beginning of our healing. Of being forgiven. I knew I would struggle with it at times, and feel like I was fighting for every breath. I just had to remember, there was always a choice. And I chose to live. I chose to love. I chose to breathe.

  Epilogue

  I TWISTED MY HANDS IN MY LAP. MY HEART felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest.

  ‘Stop!’ I hollered, practically panting. ‘I can’t do this. I can’t.’

  Silence. No pep talk. No coaxing. No trying to convince me.

  I closed my eyes and took a breath. If my pulse kept this up, then I’d be sweating right through my dress. And that was not the impression I wanted to make. I took another breath.

  I can do this. I can do this. All I have to do is walk. And smile. And maybe talk. I can do this.

  I opened my eyes again, and said, ‘Okay. I’m ready.’

  Evan glanced sideways at me. ‘Are you sure this time?’

  ‘Shut up and go,’ I pleaded, making him chuckle. My shoulders relaxed as we slowed to a stop.

  A large soft-coral-coloured house sat before me. My breathing evened, and the panic subsided. Before I could step out of the car, the front door flung open and a little girl in a frilly pink dress came running out at full force. ‘Emma!’

  She crashed against me, her arms wrapping around my stomach. ‘Hi, Leyla,’ I said, my eyes watering as I hugged her tight. ‘You look so beautiful.’

  ‘I knew you’d wear pink,’ she exclaimed joyously. ‘It’s our favourite colour.’

  ‘Mine too,’ Evan chimed in, making her giggle.

  ‘Jack, why don’t you go help Evan bring in their things,’ the woman with the coiffed grey hair instructed gently.

  The young boy with the round wire glasses approached Evan hesitantly.

  ‘Hey, Jack,’ Evan said, holding out his hand. ‘I’m Evan.’ Jack grasped it, and a small smile emerged as he shook it. ‘You can take in this box, since it’s yours anyway.’ Jack’s eyes lit up when he accepted the gift wrapped in festive Christmas paper. ‘And I had to wrap it because Emma can’t fold a corner to save her life.’

  Jack laughed.

  ‘True,’ I sighed.

  ‘Hello, Emily …’ My grandmother paused. ‘Emma. It’s nice to finally meet you in person.’ I raised my head to view the woman before me, who I easily resembled. The woman who had given me back my family.

  My grandmother began to reach out with her hand, then stopped, undecided how to greet me. I slid away from Leyla.

  ‘Thank you,’ I said, wrapping my arms around her. She folded her thin strong arms around me and held me tight.

  Acknowledgements

  Nearly four years ago, a story came to me that demanded to be told. Over the years, I opened up and let a part of my soul pour out onto the pages. I was left vulnerable and exposed, giving everything I had to allow the story to be exactly what it needed to be. And I’m proud of the part of me I left on the pages. During the process I learned so much more about who I am – the most important being I’m so much stronger than I ever thought I was.

  I did not, and could not, do this alone. There are many people in my life to be grateful for. For loving me, believing in me, and being exactly who I needed them to be along the way. I love them all, and they know who they are.

  And then there is this select group of people who contributed their time, patience and affection for the story to help make the final chapters of this series spectacular …

  First, I must thank Emily, for having such belief in me that she changed her life to be a part of mine. There isn’t a truer friend, or a more loving human being.

  Elizabeth, my partner, my tether to sanity, and the voice I can never live without – Thank You! I am so fortunate to have such a beautiful person and devoted writing partner in my life, who is also so very talented at everything she does.

  Faith, who never let this story be less than sincere and true, and, in turn, I have become a better writer.

  Courtney, for making certain every emotion is genuine and every word is as powerful as it needs to be.

  Nicole gave me more than she knew she did – her friendship and love above all else.

  Amy, my awe-inspiring guru, for sharing the beautiful art of writing and allowing me to see it from a different angle.

  Jenn, my destined friend, with whom I share my passion for storytelling, and who helped me find Emma’s voice when she needed to be heard.

  Sarah, without whom I would never have found my way back to the beginning to make this a story that is so much more than just ‘a story’.

  Tracey, Colleen and Tammara, my inspiring and talented friends, for reading my words and sharing theirs in return. They have each touched my life more than I can ever express!

  The dedicated team at Trident Media Group, especially my agent Erica, who has been by my side every step of the way; even when I felt I was about to fall off the cliff, she kept holding on. Alex, for his patience, perseverance, and always being there when I needed him. And Meredith for her amazing efforts in sharing my words with the world.

  Lindsey, Wendy and all at Penguin UK for allowing this story to reach across the ocean, to be shared with your readers. It is that important, and I am grateful.

  I had the privilege of meeting and befriending many talented and fabulous authors over the past year, along with some vivacious bloggers. I am a better person for having them in my life. We live in a world in which we create, and invite readers in with us to share in the vividness of our imagination. How fortunate are we to be able to touch someone we’ve never met, inspire with words and invoke emotion with the flip of a page. I am honoured to be among them.

  And that leaves me with the reason for all that I do … my readers. If they were not there to share in my world, it would not truly exist. I am thankful to have them as a part of my life – it will never be the same.

  Lastly, I must express my admiration for the strength and perseverance of every survivor of abuse. There is hope. There is love. There is help. You are not alone.

  THE BEGINNING

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  First published in the USA by Amazon Children’s Publishing 2013

  Published simultaneously in Great Britain by Penguin Books 2013

  Text copyright © Rebecca Donovan, 2013

  All rights reserved

  The moral right of the author has been asserted

  Typeset by Jouve (UK), Milton Keynes

  ISBN: 978-0-141-34822-3