The Air You Breathe (HEARTFIRE Book 3)

by Jave Kavfi

  Ana puts her arms around Holly's shoulders. "There's nothing wrong with you. Sometimes it's just not the right time or the right person. He might just have wanted to make sure you–"

  "He doesn't understand me, that's his problem. Just sees one side of me. You understand me, don't you Ana? People at school said they didn't know how we two could be friends, us being so different. Remember those girls were bullying me – because they were jealous, obviously – and you stuck up for me?"

  "You did the same for me. Remember the teasing I got because I was such a swot?" She wipes Holly's tears away with a tissue.

  "Yes, you were, but I liked you right away, even though you were always reading and wore weird clothes, and are quite bossy, I'd like to point out. But it's like Caden doesn't see the real me. If he did, he would love me, wouldn't he? He maybe does, but doesn't know it yet."

  "Did he ever say anything about love?"

  "No – he said he didn't want a serious relationship, but most men say that, don't they? You just have to give them time to realise what they've got. George loves me but I don't love him – I love your infuriating, no-good cousin. I don't even know why – he's got nothing going for him – apart from that body and gorgeous face. He's got the best smile, don't you think? Those eyes – I've never seen eyes like them in my entire life. And it's the best sex I've ever had – I can't get enough of him."

  She wipes her tears and sits up straight. "That's it. I'm going with a new plan. A hard-to-get plan. I'll ignore him and he'll realise what he's missing and then he'll come running." She gets up and goes to the door. "A perfect plan – thanks for all your help. I'm going to make myself scarce now. I might do some on-line shopping for new outfits and underwear. Massively sexy lingerie. He'll be panting with lust when he sees them – and I'll make sure he does."

  "Don't ... just don't pin all your hopes on Caden, Holly – he's a complicated man and it could be he's not ready for a serious relationship yet."

  "He will be when I've finished with him," Holly says with a laugh as she goes out the door.

  Chapter 35

  "Quick call. Sorry about the delay," Caden is saying to Ana. "Gertie's back. I met her in the supermarket and she was talking my head off. Wants to have a look at the Ryden pictures. You okay there?"

  "Great. So happy to hear Gertie's home. Buy more ice cream."

  "Aw ... I just finished in there. But I'll go back – you got that thing?"

  "Cravings? No, but get the ice cream, trust me. Holly needs solace, seeing you broke her heart."

  There's mumbled cursing at the other end of the phone. "I'll get a few tubs. Got you more broccoli..."

  Ana puts her phone away and goes into the kitchen. She feels sorry for both Holly and Caden. Someone's going to get hurt, no matter what happens. Would it help to explain Caden is still in love with his dead girlfriend and is determined to get her back? No, far too complicated, and she doesn't fully understand that part herself.

  The sound of someone moving about outside the door. Not Holly – she went for a bath. The nearest 'weapon' she can get her hands on is the wok. She picks it up and pulls open the door.

  "Ana – do not strike. A pan on the head will be my undoing."

  "Gideon!" She hugs him around his middle. "I'm so pleased to see you."

  He pats her back. "Such sweetness – I haven't been hugged in so long. It may have been at some point in the middle of the last century. Paid for, so possibly does not count. Do you mind if I sit down? My legs are about to go from under." He staggers across the room and collapses on the sofa. He looks terrible – not that clean, excessively pale and dark shadows under his eyes. No hat for once and his hair is messy. Still in his WW1 army uniform and vintage Soviet greatcoat. He throws his arm over his eyes and releases one of his familiar sighs.

  "Don't you ever creep up on me like that again," she tells him. "How did you get in?"

  "I'm an expert in such things. I noticed the car is not parked outside and assumed you were out."

  "Huh, seems like the men I know are experts on break-ins. Where's Hetty?"

  "That's the thing – she is quite lost. I was hoping she was here, but knew instantly she wasn't. I have been with her so long now, I can sense when she's about. I won't stay long – I must not involve you." He struggling upright and attempting to get to his feet. "I must find her."

  Ana is pushing him back. "Oh, no you don't. Or not yet. You look ill. What happened?"

  "We were captured by Eudora's minions. I was made to do three channelings in a row and it almost put a finish to me. I am fatigued beyond measure – bringing the dead back drains one so. The fiends made poor Hetty do one, and it drove her to the edge of madness – an area she is more than acquainted with, as you can imagine. We escaped, debilitated though we were, but we got on the wrong train–"

  "The wrong train – like me. That's how I ended up at Trewairing. A 'guard' led me to the wrong train."

  "Yes. We should be wise to that trick now, but were so delirious we were hardly thinking. We had planned to come here for a visit, so I was hoping..." He gives a hacking cough. "This darned consumption. I will go now."

  "Don't even think about it. I know you want to find Hetty, but you're in no fit state at present. I'm going to make you a hot drink and something to eat. And you should rest a while to get your strength up."

  He falls back. "The baby?"

  "The baby is fine, thank you. Caden will be back soon, and–" He's asleep. She puts a throw over him and goes back downstairs.

  "Gideon's here," Ana tells Caden as soon as he comes in the door. "Asleep on the sofa. He was captured and made to do channelings. He and Hetty escaped, but got split up."

  Caden dumps the carrier bags on the floor. "Damn. Why's he not out looking for her?"

  "He was hoping she was here. Was going back out to look for her, but he's exhausted – seems like he did one channeling too many. I thought he should rest – he can barely walk. They had talked of visiting us, so she might make her way here."

  "Any other circumstances, I'd be helping him search, but I need to stick around here for now – we might have been left alone for a while, but that doesn't mean it's going to continue. And the situation at Ryden – I have to keep my eye on that. We need to quiz him later." He picks up the bags and begins to put the shopping away.

  "Caden, about Holly," Ana says, as she gives him a hand. "Try not to hurt her."

  "Don't. I've had enough of all that for one day. I got six tubs of ice cream – you think that's enough?"

  "It will take more than ice cream to get you out of this. She's very upset."

  "No shit. Don't worry about it. It's all fixed."

  "Fixed? It's not fixed. It's a person we're talking about here, not a car, or an inanimate object."

  "Just leave it, okay? Did I get enough crackers for your sickness?"

  "Yes, thanks. I'm just saying you should be careful of her feelings, that's all."

  He's throwing food into the freezer. "Look, don't go on about it – it's finished. I made a mistake and shouldn't have got into it in the first place. As far as I'm concerned, it's over and done with."

  "Done with? With an attitude like that, no wonder she's feeling used."

  "Used? Don't start that again. In fact, forget it – you'll be sensitive just now. Your hormones and all that."

  "Don't patronise me. Holly's right – sometimes you can be an insensitive prick."

  "You want this? Us arguing over nothing? It's a joke."

  "It's not a joke if Holly's getting her heart broken."

  "She's not. As far as I'm concerned, it's her having a drama. You're actually annoying me with this conversation, you know that? But I'm not getting into an argument with a pregnant woman, so drop it." He's piling food into the fridge. "See, now I'm thinking I should have got more beer..."

  "I'll drop it – but she might be in love with you, just saying."

  He turns to face her. "She doesn't know what love is. She might think it'
s 'romantic' to say it, or make out she's in the middle of it, but that's an insult to love. If she actually does have more feelings for me than I have for her, then I'm sorry, but I made it 100% clear it was merely what it was. If she's too ... too fucking stupid to understand that, then that's her problem, not mine. I'm not going near her again – I don't need this crap."

  Ana is shaking her head. "You any idea how cold-hearted that sounds?"

  "Cold-hearted? What would be cold-hearted is leading her on. Not being straight with her and allowing her to continue with some fantasy. Because it never can happen – not with anyone and certainly not with her. I've known love and this is nothing like it. I'm not playing along with her idea we're some kind of couple. You should know that – you think Jarek can be replaced?"

  "Of course not. Never."

  "Right. Neither can Mia. You – me. We take each day and eat and sleep and sometimes laugh. There's guilt, isn't there? That we're still living and doing those everyday things and they're not here? That we can actually laugh? It almost seems like an insult to their memory?"

  She's nodding. This is how she feels.

  "Unless I take the easy way out, I still need to do all those things. Either that or curl up in a ball until I crack and I'm carted off to the nuthouse. The girl I love is dead and I can hardly live with it. I'm doing all the usual everyday things until I can find a way of being with her again. That makes me sound like a madman, but I know she still exists somewhere, just not here. Up until I do, I'm doing what I need to do to keep me sane and well-balanced. Grabbing little bits of comfort and pleasure where I can. That includes sex – purely the physical act. And that's all I thought I was doing with Holly. The operative word being 'was', because I'm not doing it again. Do you get that?"

  "I get it."

  "Just so you know... I'm sorry you got involved in any way. It puts you in a bad position, what with you and Holly being mates. Don't worry about it – next thing you know she'll be back to that mug George and I'll be history, you'll see. We'll make something to eat and you can have an early night, yeah?"

  "Where will you sleep? Looks like your room is out of bounds and I can't see Gideon moving off that sofa any time soon."

  "I'll think of something. The sofa in the shop, probably. You sit down – I'll cook. I'm thinking a stir-fry. You think you could keep that down?"

  "Not if you make it, I won't..."

  Two am, and Caden is awake after a series of dreams. Not the kind that brings in money, but the ones that mean he opens his eyes slap bang in the middle of a panic attack. Both Ana and Holly are asleep and he's in the kitchen, downing his second drink. Promised himself he wouldn't, but it's becoming obvious to him he's a weak bastard who not only can't keep it in his pants, but hits the bottle at the first sign of any trouble. Oh, and a total fuck-up to boot. He's supposed to be here protecting Ana and her baby – but what does he do? Causes her stress by messing with her ditsy friend and gives her a 'poor me' lecture – while she's the one who watched her fiancé fall to his death the matter of months ago and had the unimaginable horror of actually seeing his body splattered all over the pavement. She has a baby inside her, yet she's had to put up with being tormented and attacked by homicidal fiends – and she has no family to support her, because she goes near them and their life is in danger. Great – all she needed after that is for him to dish up some more of his self-pitying angst. He's an arsehole.

  And what was he thinking – messing with Holly? It's like he betrayed Mia, even though the sex meant nothing and there were no feelings involved. Only it turns out there were, just not his. Why does he allow himself to be ruled by his dick? He deserves a good smack around the head just on the general principle of the thing. One more drink? Why the hell not? That's what weak-willed arseholes do, and tonight he's giving in.

  Back on the sofa, tired now, but reluctant to sleep. What had finally pulled him awake earlier was the flight nightmare again. He has no memory of the blast or the immediate aftermath, but his imagination makes up for that. The newspaper reports he's read all went into graphic detail of what went happened. The terrible fate of his fellow passengers. This one was mainly focused on screaming, body parts and blood, but he's hoping it happened so fast those people had no awareness of it. Praying that is the case.

  Why he 'survived' and they did not, beats the hell out of him. Is he the only one? Not one whole body was found. He almost went crazy straight after it – convinced he was dead, even checking to see if he had a shadow.

  The cause of the crash remains a mystery. No-one has admitted responsibility, the black box wasn't found, there was no announcement from the pilots that anything had gone wrong. There was no indication the plane had a malfunction. Both pilots were in good health. Just a normal flight until they were blown out of the sky. He has promised himself he will look into it one day. For all he knows, he has a hidden memory of what went on. That will be done at some point – he feels he owes that to the dead and their families. But not now, not yet.

  Chapter 36

  "It can't just have vanished." Lucinda is searching through the bedroom drawers. "I definitely put them in here – you saw me."

  "Sorry, Lucinda – what's vanished? Pip going on about his toy again, is he?" Jonny says.

  "No, the camera and films. The home movies of my family."

  "One of the children might have taken them." He gets off the bed and has a look under it.

  "I've asked them, but they didn't move them. I'm determined to find them."

  "They're probably too scared to say. They'll slip them back when you're not looking, you'll see. I'll go down and supervise their breakfast. Back at school soon, we have to think of their routine."

  "Yes, of course. You know it might be better if I don't find them – they stir up so many bad memories. I had a very strange upbringing, Jonny, you've no idea. I've blanked a lot out, because I had to. There's a lot of guilt there. Evangeline wouldn't have drowned but for me, do you know that?"

  "What are you saying?"

  "Her arm. The reason she couldn't swim is because her arm was in a cast, and that was my doing. She didn't fall out of the tree and break it – I shook the branch she was on and she fell. There was a good deal of envy in me – my father favoured her and made no attempt to hide it. We did that sort of thing all the time to each other, and other people. She knew, but didn't say – we were good at keeping secrets. Saw far too much too young. I want my children to have an entirely different childhood from that. Innocent and safe. I'm now really beginning to wish I didn't allow you to talk me into coming back. There is too much pain here from the past." She flops down on the bed and puts her head in her hands.

  "Now, don't be silly. What have I told you about going on about the past? It's over. Nothing good ever comes of dwelling on it. Let it die, no need to even think about it. This is our home, where we belong. It was meant to be."

  "Can we really leave the past behind, Jonny?"

  "We must." He pats her shoulder. "Everything is as it should be. Ryden is our rightful inheritance. I'll go see what the children are up to, shall I?"

  "Yes, of course. And you're right, it's best not to dwell on the past. But your office in the tower – you know my father had his there too? More a den he hid in when not locked away in his workshop. It will be good for you there. Quiet, away from the noise of the children. You'll be able to concentrate on your work in peace."

  "That's the idea. Up in the tower. Master of all I survey, just like your father. Perfect."

  "It needs a lot of work doing to it, though, just like the rest of the place. I do worry we've taken too much on – most of the house hasn't even been cleared out. We've been in such a rush to move in."

  He leans forward and puts a hand on the side of her face. "It will all get better, you'll see. All of the problems will fade away in time." He removes his hand. "I had better go down and check what that pair are up to."

  "What are you two arguing about now," Jonny says to the children in t
he kitchen. Do you ever stop?"

  "He's annoying me again," Kenzie squeals. "On about his stupid rabbit and keeps saying he saw his grandmother in the home movie. I told him he couldn't have, because she's never been here. She was American, just like you, and she didn't come to this smelly old house. You would have told us if she had. He's a little liar and a crybaby."

  "Now that's enough of that, young lady. Go up and tidy your room. I notice it's a mess. You have to be more organised. Do it properly. I'll be up to check when you're finished and if it's not perfect, I'll make you do the whole thing again. Off you go. And don't go on about all that to your mother – you know we don't want to stress her."

  "Arguing again?" Lucinda says as she comes into the kitchen.

  "No, we're not, Mummy. Don't stress. I'm going up to tidy my room now," Kenzie says as she rushes past her mother.

  "Well, there's a first..." Lucinda says with a laugh.

  Jonny holds up the coffee pot. "How about a caffeine hit?"

  "Mmm, that would be lovely." She ruffles Pips hair. "What are you looking so serious about? Is it the new school? I'm sure it will be fun and–"

  "I can't find Mitty. And I did see her. I did."

  "Saw who, darling?"

  "Pip – Mitty might be in that box in the hall. I'm sure I saw some toys in there," Jonny says. Pip jumps off his chair and runs into the hallway.

  Jonny hands his wife a mug of coffee and sits down beside her. "Sorry to tie up all your time, but do you think you could do that admin work today? It's piling up and I want it finished before the kids start school. I wouldn't ask, but I've a live podcast to do today. Promotional. You know we have to work flat-out to get the business back on its feet."