A Hard and Heavy Thing

by Matthew J. Hefti

  I walked with my friend, my brother, into the park where we found a grassy area next to the creek. We lay on our backs and stared at the clear sky. We felt the prickling of the grass on our bare arms and we smelled the damp must of the mossy trees. The fireworks started with a flash, and we could feel the concussions from the blast deep inside our memories. We watched the red, white, and blue explode in front of our faces. We watched those colors fade to nothing before they ever hit the ground.

  READERS’ GROUP GUIDE

  What’s the most remarkable (or unremarkable) thing about Levi’s life pre-9/11?

  How much of Levi, Nick, and Eris’s adolescence mirrors your own?

  How politically aware was Levi before 9/11? How much of any of his newfound “awareness” was based on serious study and how much was based on the twenty-four-hour cable news cycle? In that way, how much of a stand-in is Levi for the “average” American white male or the “average” soldier?

  His time at war obviously leaves Levi very conflicted, especially as it relates to transitioning back into civilian life. Do you believe that this is a near universal experience for those returning from battle? Is it possible for those who haven’t seen conflict to truly understand the challenges facing returning veterans?

  Do you think that the inner conflict Levi experiences has a lot to do with the political leanings of most veterans? That is, do you believe it’s easier for many veterans to simply support war because it eliminates the cognitive dissonance they’d experience if they continued fighting in a war to which they were politically opposed?

  If Levi showed up in your neighborhood, how could the civilian population best aid him in processing his experience and integrating back into peaceful society? What can any of us do to help slow down the growing tide of veteran suicides?

  Given what he’s learned through experience, if, in the future, Levi had a child of his own who bore witness to an event like 9/11 and was contemplating joining the military, how would he advise his child?

  Where is Levi in ten years? Nick? Eris?

  How does Levi and Nick’s faith (or lack of faith) impact their decisions to enlist (if at all)? How does it impact their decisions after leaving the military? How does religion, faith, or lack of faith affect the mental health of each individual?

  Through their own tones as disappointed dad, irritated older brother, and concerned big sister, Levi’s family tells him in various ways to man up. How does Levi interpret or misinterpret that message?

  In what ways does Levi’s authorial voice change as the book proceeds before, during, and after war? In what ways is his narrative influenced by the narratives that have already been written? How does this affect his own attempts at processing his story?

  Levi, Eris, and Nick all have specific interpretations of their relationships and behaviors through the years. Who sees most clearly? Or are any of their narratives reliable? How reliable do you believe Levi relates to the perspectives of Eris and Nick when writing from their points of view?

  What do you think brought Levi back from the edge? Was it Nick? The writing itself? Something else?

  Matthew J. Hefti was born in Canada and grew up in Wisconsin. Prompted by 9/11, he spent twelve years as an explosive ordnance disposal technician. He deployed twice to Iraq and twice to Afghanistan. While enlisted, he earned a BA in English and an MFA in creative writing. He is now working for the Wisconsin Innocence Project as he pursues his Juris Doctor at the University of Wisconsin Law School. His words have been seen in Pennsylvania English; Blue Moon Literary & Art Review; Chad Harbach’s MFA vs NYC; and War, Literature and the Arts. Along with Adrian Bonenberger, Mike Carson, and David James, he writes at www.wrath-bearingtree.com. Matthew is married to the woman of his dreams, with whom he has three incredible daughters.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  OR

  1,000 WORDS OF GRATITUDE BECAUSE YOU WON’T ALL FIT IN A PICTURE

  Monica, Madeline, Lillian, and Zoe. I could never articulate how grateful I am for you and how much I love you. I only pray I can show you. You make it all happen.

  Thank you to my parents, the Reverend Roy and Alice. You taught me how to tell a story, and a whole heap more. All you’ve done is good.

  Michael, Katie, Sarah, Chris, David, Caleb, Jenny, Nathan, and Theresa; also Geronimo, Angel, Autumn, Cody, Kyle, and Kristin: my first and last brothers and sisters—the ones I didn’t get to pick—I wouldn’t have picked anyone else. Each one of you has informed all of the love in this book—first those by blood, then those by the ring.

  Thanks to the rest of my family: Oma and all our matriarch’s descendants. Uncle John and Aunt Sue, Camie, Carrie, et al. Uncle Dave. Greg and Cristy. Danny. Nana. Grandma Mitchell. Grandma Widener and all her descendants.

  Reverend Jon and Deb Rockhoff and Denise Costa: parent, friend, counselor, babysitter—you filled every role we needed whenever we needed it most.

  Limitless gratitude to (in chronological order) Adam Delph, Kevin Gotfredson, Beth Hernandez, Aaron Roberts, Darrin Skousen, Jacob Ramer, Jeremy McKissack, Ryan Hendricks, Toni O’Neill, Sarah Carlson, and Jeff Starnes. Without you all, I would have written this book from a far more uncomfortable place.

  Bo Bloomer, JJ Loschinskey, and Michael Freeman: You are the three bravest leaders that I have ever met. Thank you.

  For holding me up on too many nights after one too many and for listening to me fret about all the same things, I owe the liver of my firstborn male to Ben Baloga and Mike Korbely. And Allyson, a sheepish thanks to you for all the rides (and for being a great early reader).

  Thanks also to Josh Flaherty, Chris Broyles, Eddie Spaghetti, Beau Chastain, Mike Wheeler, George Haka, Dustin Koslowsky, and all the rest too numerous to mention. If I forgot your name, it’s not because you weren’t important; it’s because I’ve been around too many explosions. Dwayne Ferguson, Stephen Mabe, and Matt Rider—you guys hold a special place in my heart.

  Thanks to those who taught me to read and write: Gwen Manke, Anne Hagel, Scott Herrewig, Ron Brown, Kristine Blauert, Dan Kunz, Keith Heinze, Dr. Bob Treu, Susan Kapanke, Cristine Prucha, Amina Cain, Peter Bricklebank, Arianne Simard, Penny Freeland, et (many) al.

  Thanks to my go-to MFA classmates: Jade Moss, Denise Barkhurst, Brian Bergman, and James Luna.

  Thank you to Josh Boyd, Brad Gollnik, Jesse Weibel, Hank Rotering, Ben Trehey, Tristan Weibel, Britt Peterson, Steve Harm, The Brokedowns, the Luther High class of ’ 01 and surrounding, and all my other friends from back in the day. You were there when this story started, and you’re all conflated in these characters somehow.

  Chad Harbach, thanks for graciously providing feedback when this novel was nothing more than a nascent and bombastic short story.

  Bryan Hurt, you alone endured the pain of the early stages. You kept this book from becoming one hot mess. Another thanks for passing it to Kate. This novel never would have seen the light of day if it were not for your patient instruction, gentle persuasion, and general good nature. I am in your debt.

  Brian Castner. You have devoted more time to discussing with me all things writing, art, war, and anything remotely related to the intersection of those things than anyone else on this list. Your input polished this book into something I didn’t know it needed to be. Thank you.

  Thanks to the incredibly supportive community at the University of Wisconsin Law School. From the sale of this manuscript through publication, I’ve spent the entire ride proud to be one of you. Special thanks to all my bosses, supervising attorneys, and colleagues: Farheen Ansari, Cecelia Klingele, Ion Meyn, Keith Findley, Carrie Sperling, Steve Wright, Kate Judson, Lindsey Cobbe, Cristina Bordé, Greg Wiercioch, John Pray, and all the other members of the incredible #Winnocence Team—you probably all deserve more hours than you’ve gotten from me since this manuscript sold, but you haven’t yet said so aloud. For that, I am grateful.

  To my brothers from another mother who inspired the two brothers in the short story from whence this novel came: Nathan
Anhalt and Nick Torres. “Chief. Hey, Chief.” . . . “Thanks, Chief.”

  To my other brothers and sisters in arms who have shaped this book in more ways than you’ll ever comprehend: Patrick Cazalet, Danielle Ruiz, Bryan Berky, Alejandro Rodriguez, Rob Randall, Paul Brow, Greg DiVito, Garet Vannes, Jerry “Jerbo” Shelton, Chaplain Ray Hagan, Adam Jannsen, the 1-128th INF-BN guys at FOB O’Ryan in 2005, the 3d Special Forces Group guys in RC South in 2007, the C-IED and French Foreign Legion guys at M-F in 2009, my brothers in the dark valley in Iraq in 2010, and so many more.

  Jeremy, Cathryn, Kyle, and LeeAnn. I hope we take anniversary trips together until long past the time when our age and wrinkles make catching sight of us in our bathing suits cruel and unusual punishment. Thanks to everyone else at Messiah. You were our family as this book was written.

  Ben LeRoy—you’ve been a ball to work with. This couldn’t have worked out better. I really like you! To Ashley Myers and the rest of the cast and crew of Tyrus and F+W: designing, copyediting, distributing, advertising, coordinating logistics, proofreading, and who knows what else you’re all doing in the background while I’m not paying attention—I don’t take it for granted. Thank you.

  And finally, Kate Johnson. I couldn’t ask for a better teammate in all of this. Here’s hoping A Hard and Heavy Thing is just the first of many projects together.

  When I see this book on the shelf, all I’ll be able to think to myself is: “You didn’t build that.” Because all of you did. Thank you.

  Copyright © 2016 by Matthew J. Hefti.

  All rights reserved.

  This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

  Published by

  TYRUS BOOKS

  an imprint of F+W Media, Inc.

  10151 Carver Road, Suite 200

  Blue Ash, OH 45242. U.S.A.

  www.tyrusbooks.com

  Hardcover ISBN 10: 1-4405-9187-3

  Hardcover ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-9187-7

  Paperback ISBN 10: 1-4405-9188-1

  Paperback ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-9188-4

  eISBN 10: 1-4405-9189-X

  eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-9189-1

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Hefti, Matthew J.

  A hard and heavy thing / Matthew J. Hefti.

  pages cm

  ISBN 978-1-4405-9187-7 (hc) -- ISBN 1-4405-9187-3 (hc) -- ISBN 978-1-4405-9188-4 (pb) -- ISBN 1-4405-9188-1 (pb) -- ISBN 978-1-4405-9189-1 (ebook) -- ISBN 1-4405-9190-X (ebook)

  I. Title.

  PS3608.E3385H38 2016

  813'.6--dc23

  2015025805

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, corporations, institutions, organizations, events, or locales in this novel are either the product of the author’s imagination or, if real, used fictitiously. The resemblance of any character to actual persons (living or dead) is entirely coincidental.

  Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their products are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and F+W Media, Inc. was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.

  Cover design by Elisabeth Lariviere.

  Cover image © iStockphoto.com/sx70.