Walter Speazlebud

by David Donohue

  ‘I wish I could make that disgusting bully go backwards out of our lives,’ Walter said, wiping the green yuck from his shirt when Danny had left.

  ‘Not half as much as I do,’ replied Levon. ‘Not half as much as I do.’

  After school that day, when everybody had gone home, Danny Biggles sneaked back into the classroom and wrote in large letters on the blackboard, ‘RM GNORTS SI A GIB LOOLF.’

  6

  The Cat goes ‘Zipp’

  Walter’s kitchen was red with yellow pinstripes. The lampshade was leopard-skin, and the toaster, microwave and refrigerator were covered in vibrant pink fur. When he arrived home, he plonked himself on the big Dalmatian, the spotted armchair. He was in a very bad mood again. Mr Strong was as horrible as ever, Danny Biggles was being a rotten bully, his parents were too busy to listen to his troubles, and Grandad Speazlebud was getting older in front of his eyes and possibly going simple in the head. Could things get much worse? he thought. He saw a note on the table which said:

  Suoitpmurcs hsif rennid ni eht rotaregirfer. Owt setunim ni eht evaworcim dluohs od ti.

  Evol Mum

  (Scrumptious fish dinner in the refrigerator. Two minutes in the microwave should do it.

  Love Mum)

  Walter was starving. Maybe he would feel a little better after a big feed. He certainly couldn’t feel any worse.

  As Walter walked towards the refrigerator, he noticed that the door was ajar. When he looked inside he saw, to his horror, instead of a delicious fish dinner, an empty plate covered in hairs that looked suspiciously like the hairs of a ginger cat.

  On top of the food cupboard, above the sink, Walter spotted a bushy ginger tail, quivering.

  ‘Ajaraham!’ Walter shouted in a rage, but Maharaja stuck to his hiding place. ‘Ajaraham!’ he shouted again. Just as he said the third ‘Ajaraham!’, Maharaja shot out from behind the cupboard, leaped backwards onto the floor, reversed out through the cat flap, across the lawn, and up into the top branches of the beech tree.

  Walter was highly surprised. What a strange thing, he thought. Maybe Ajaraham is going a bit crazy, like Grandad. He reached into the fridge to take out some cheese. Then he froze, as he remembered his favourite story. Grandad’s voice echoed in his head:

  ‘Without thinking, I shouted the word “deer” backwards, again and again. “Reed! Reed! Reed!” On the third “reed”, the deer zipped backwards across the road and into the forest, safe from the fast-approaching car.’

  ‘Grandad!’ Walter shouted, unable to contain his excitement, ‘You’re not crazy after all! There is such a thing as Noitanigami!’

  Walter opened the door and cartwheeled across the lawn, climbed the beech tree and took a slightly dazed Maharaja in his arms, like a rocket scientist might hold a monkey who had returned to earth after circling the Earth for five years.

  Carrying Maharaja, Walter went back inside, put the cat in his basket and phoned Levon. ‘Levon, it’s Walter.’

  ‘Hi, Walter. You sound like you’re out of breath.’

  ‘I have it!’ Walter said.

  ‘Have what, Walter?’

  ‘The power of Noitanigami, just like Grandad.’

  ‘Wow!’ said Levon. ‘My best friend is a wizard. Tell me again. What is Noitanigami exactly? What can you do?’

  Through the kitchen window Walter could see his dad driving the loomobile around the garden, steering with one hand, his other hand raised in a victory salute.

  ‘It’s working perfectly. It’s finished!’ Harry shouted through the open window. ‘I’m going to be a millionaire.’ With that, Harry fell, backwards, into the toilet as the loomobile went wildly out of control.

  ‘Gotta run, Levon,’ said Walter. ‘Emergency.’

  Walter dashed outside, just as his dad and the loomobile crashed into the privet hedge. The passenger door fell off, and all that Walter could see were two highly polished shoes and a pair of hands sticking out of the toilet. Walter tried desperately to pull his dad free. Maharaja picked that moment to arrive to inspect the scene. The oversized ginger cat hopped onto Walter’s shoulder and then onto the flusher bar, sticking out of the roof of the loomobile.

  ‘Maharaja!’ yelled Walter. But it was too late. The loomobile flushed with a rushing, slurping sound, and Harry Speazlebud’s hands and feet disappeared. Walter knew that he had to try his new powers in a hurry.

  ‘Yrrah Dubelzaeps! Yrrah Dubelzaeps! Yrrah Dubelzaeps!’ he said, while shooing Maharaja away with his hands. With that, Maharaja zipped, once again, backwards, up onto the flusher, onto Walter’s shoulder, across the lawn, through the cat flap and back into his basket.

  Oops, he said to himself. Maybe I should be thinking of Dad and not the cat while I say the spell. I’ll try it once again. Oh, and I mustn’t forget to phone Levon back. Wait until he hears about this!

  Walter tried once more: ‘Yrrah Dubelzaeps! Yrrah Dubelzaeps! Yrrah Dubelzaeps!’

  Levon was nodding off in front of the TV when suddenly he found himself back by the telephone where he had been moments earlier, talking to Walter.

  ‘I’ve never sleep-walked before,’ he said to himself. ‘That’s the oddest thing.’

  Back at Walter’s house, his dad was still down the toilet.

  ‘I’ll have to try and concentrate harder,’ Walter said, becoming very frustrated.

  ‘Yrrah Dubelzaeps! Yrrah Dubelzaeps! Yrrah Dubelzaeps!’ he said, this time picturing his dad very clearly in his mind.

  It worked! His dad popped out of the toilet, dripping wet, and back onto the seat, gasping for air.

  Walter breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Still a bit of work to do on the loomobile, Dad,’ he said, with a smile.

  ‘The problem seems to be that the seat is just a little bit too wide, Walter. Just that little bit too wide.’ Then, still dripping with water, he began measuring the toilet seat. ‘That flusher needs looking at too,’ continued Harry, as he shook his head like a shaggy dog that had just come in from a rainstorm.

  7

  Mr Strong goes Crazy

  Mr Strong arrived in the classroom at eight o’clock. Summer exams were just around the corner and he loved to come in early to write questions. It was the best time of the day for clear thinking, he believed, the best time of the day to think up the most difficult questions of all. When he saw the writing on the blackboard, he scratched his head. It was just gobbledegook as far as he could see – probably the Russian cleaning lady writing down the day’s chores.

  He sat down at his desk and, checking to see that nobody was peeping in the window, he placed both his hands on the desk’s thick black covering. He closed his eyes and, like a blind man reading Braille, moved his fingers slowly across the desktop.

  Just for a moment, Mr Strong seemed to look younger and more alive. Finally, he opened his eyes with a sigh and stood up. He turned and was about to wipe the blackboard when a look of horror flashed over his face. He knew about Walter’s talent for spelling backwards. He had seen the boys gather round him in the playground like he was a little pop star, asking him to spell and pronounce their names backwards. ‘That boy needs taking down a couple of pegs,’ he would hiss to himself underneath his breath at such a moment. Now he suspected that this gobbledegook, RM GNORTS SI A GIB LOOLF, which he saw before him, could be the work of his least favourite pupil. He took a piece of chalk and underneath RM GNORTS he wrote the letters, M-R S-T-R-O-N-G. ‘Aha,’ he said.

  Then he reversed all the other letters, one by one, until he discovered that the full sentence read ‘MR STRONG IS A BIG FLOOL.’

  When Walter arrived into class, he found Mr Strong fuming with anger. As he was about to sit down beside Levon, Mr Strong caught Walter by the ear lobe and yanked him from his seat. ‘If you think that you can get away with something like this, Walter Speazlebud, you have another thing coming.’

  ‘What, sir?’ asked Walter, grimacing with pain.

  ‘Don’t “what” me!’ said Mr Strong as he spun Walter around
to face the blackboard which had ‘MR STRONG IS A BIG FLOOL’ written directly under Danny Biggles’ writing.

  ‘It wasn’t me, sir,’ protested Walter. ‘I know how to spell the word “fool” backwards. It’s only got four letters, sir.’

  Walter turned to Danny Biggles. ‘Your spelling is almost as bad as mine, Danny.’

  Danny gave Walter a drop-dead look.

  ‘Get outside the door until four o’clock,’ Mr Strong shouted at Walter. ‘I’ll put manners on you then.’

  Danny Biggles giggled uncontrollably.

  Immediately the bell rang, Mr Strong went outside and took Walter by the ear lobe again. ‘We’ll see what your parents have to say about this,’ he said as he dragged Walter down the corridor.

  On the way home, Walter saw Mr Spring, the carpet cleaner. ‘Hello, Mr Gnirps,’ he said.

  ‘Hello, Retlaw,’ Mr Spring called back. ‘Ylevol yad.’

  When they arrived at Walter’s house, his mum was inside having lunch.

  ‘What a ghastly colour scheme,’ Mr Strong mumbled as he rang the doorbell.

  When she opened the door, Peggy Speazlebud saw a very unhappy Walter and a fuming Mr Strong.

  ‘Hi, Mum,’ said Walter.

  ‘Oh, I see, you didn’t say her name backwards,’ said Mr Strong.

  ‘Oh, but I did,’ said Walter. ‘I always do.’

  But Mr Strong did not believe him.

  ‘What have you done, Walter?’ Peggy asked.

  ‘Nothing,’ replied Walter.

  Before Mr Strong had a chance to say anything else, Sam Silver’s truck drew up outside the Speazlebuds’ house, with Levon sitting, smiling, in the front seat. A side-door opened, and Sam Silver and his camera crew jumped out and ran across the lawn.

  ‘I’m Sam Silver from ABD News,’ said Sam Silver, the grey-haired TV star. ‘I’m here to interview the boy-wonder, Walter Speazlebud, or should I say “Retlaw Dubelzaeps”. That must be you.’ Sam reached out to shake Walter’s hand.

  Mr Strong thought he was seeing things. ‘He’s an illiterate, trouble-making smarty-pants,’ he said under his breath.

  Sam turned to the camera.

  ‘Hi, I’m Sam Silver, and you are watching “Most Gifted”. I am here to talk to the boy who spells backwards, Walter Speazlebud.’

  ‘I’m Mr Strong, Walter’s teacher,’ Mr Strong interrupted. ‘I’m the one you should be interviewing.’

  Sam turned to Mr Strong as Walter, surprised, excited and confused, shook his head. Peggy ducked back inside the house to make peach tea and sweet lemon sandwiches for everybody.

  ‘Indeed, Mr Strong,’ said Sam, ‘you must deserve a lot of credit for helping Walter to develop his very unusual talent. To be able to develop the imagination and individual gifts of boys like Walter, you must be a very exceptional teacher indeed.’

  ‘Oh, yes,’ said Mr Strong in a very insincere tone. ‘I like to help my students to develop their talents, no matter how unusual those talents may be.’

  Maharaja, who was standing by Walter’s side, seemed to be staring at Mr Strong while shaking his head in disbelief.

  As people often do when they are telling lies, Mr Strong scratched his nose and then put his hand back down by his side. Suddenly, his hand flew back up and he punched his own nose. ‘Ouch!’ he shouted, knocking himself backwards. Again it happened, and again. Mr Strong kept on knocking himself sideways and backwards. ‘Aeeooow, Uuuhh!’

  Sam Silver looked on, completely bemused. All that Mr Strong could do was to pretend that it was an act – a clown act. So he put on a silly face and shouted loudly every time he landed himself a punch.

  Walter smiled. He now knew for sure that Grandad Speazlebud was watching, and he was performing TV’s first-ever live Noitanigami.’

  ‘I see that you’re quite the clown,’ said Sam Silver, trying to be kind, ‘but you are certainly not what we would call “Most Gifted”.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ said Mr Strong, recovering from the blows while fearing another at any moment. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking. Now I must return to school with my prize pupil.’

  ‘Oh, but not before we speak to Walter,’ said Sam Silver. ‘Walter Speazlebud is this week’s “Most Gifted”.’

  Mr Strong stormed off as Sam turned to face Walter.

  ‘Walter, when did you start to spell backwards?’ asked Sam.

  ‘I spend a lot of time outside in the corridor, so that gives me plenty of time to practise.’

  ‘What a funny boy,’ said Sam. ‘I bet you are the most prized pupil at your school. Now, Walter,’ he continued, ‘I would like you to spell one word backwards for our millions of viewers:

  SUPERCALAFRAGILISTICEXPEALIDOCIOUS.’

  Walter didn’t even have to stop to think. ‘S-U-O-I-C-O-D-I-L-A-E-P-X-E-C-I-T-S-I-L-I-G-A-R-F-A-L-A-C-R-E-P-U-S,’ he rattled off effortlessly.

  ‘Extraordinary!’ gushed Sam.

  ‘Y-R-A-N-I-D-R-O-A-R-T-X-E,’ said Walter.

  An engine began to roar in the background. Sam looked to his left and saw the loomobile, out of control, careering around the garden. ‘What is that very strange automobile in your garden?’ he asked.

  ‘It’s the loomobile,’ said Walter as he nervously watched his dad trying to bring the loomobile under control. ‘Eh, it’s my dad’s invention.’ With that, the loomobile lunged towards the house, missing Sam Silver by centimetres, before plunging into the garden pond in front of ten million viewers.

  8

  A Chat with Grandad

  Walter just had to tell his grandad that he had discovered his own powers of Noitanigami. As he arrived at the nursing home, Grandad spotted him from his upstairs window. ‘You’re suomaf, Retlaw!’ he shouted down to Walter. ‘My grandson is a VT rats, a suomaf VT rats, Walter Speazlebud is a TV star, woohoo!’

  Walter waved and gave his grandad a big smile. As soon as he stepped through the door, Grandad came motoring down the corridor in his wheelchair with Nurse Hatchett jogging behind, out of breath, and waving a big blanket and a woolly cap.

  ‘Put these on!’ she demanded. ‘Or you’ll catch your death of cold.’

  Walter had almost forgotten that he had said he would take Grandad Speazlebud for a walk the next time he visited, but Grandad Speazlebud had not.

  ‘I’m not a child,’ protested Grandad, as Nurse Hatchett threw the blanket around him. ‘Open the door, Walter. I’m coming through,’ he called.

  It was a beautiful evening, with the scent of wild garlic and rosemary in the air. ‘Grandad,’ said Walter, ‘I have the power.’

  Grandad Speazlebud nodded approvingly. ‘Yes, Walter, you have the tfig fo Noitanigami. Now I know that, when I go, you will be the keeper of the gift of Noitanigami, and that makes me very happy.’

  Walter didn’t like when Grandad said things like ‘when I go’. He had noticed, recently, that when he said, ‘Goodbye, Grandad, see you tomorrow,’ his grandad would reply, ‘God willing,’ or ‘please God.’

  This made Walter agitated. ‘Don’t say that, Grandad. I don’t like it when you say that,’ he would say. But as the setting sun threw a golden glow onto his grandad’s face on that cool, late spring evening, Walter could see more clearly than ever before the deep furrows that the passage of time had carved. He reached out and gave his grandad’s hand a gentle squeeze, while a single tear sparkled in the corner of his eye.

  ‘You see, Walter,’ Grandad said, ‘Noitanigami works like this: If you say the name of a living thing, or object, backwards, three times, while thinking of it clearly, it will return to its last position. But there is more to Noitanigami than this. Much more.’

  Grandad put his hand into his pocket and took out a small black book which had NOITANIGAMI written on the cover.

  ‘This book has all you need to know about the power. Use it for your own good, but remember that Noitanigami is most powerful when it is used for the benefit of others.’

  Walter opened the first page. The text was handwritten, backw
ards.

  Walter smiled and turned some more pages with headings such as:

  Slasrever ni a Yrruh (Reversals in a Hurry)

  Levart fo Emit (Travel of Time)

  Levart fo Dnim (Travel of Mind)

  Wohot Esrever a Lasrever (How to Reverse a Reversal)

  Dliw Serutnevda htiw Imagination (Wild Adventures with Noitanigami)

  Step On No Pets (The World of the Palindrome)

  ‘Thanks Grandad,’ said Walter, as he closed the book and put it safely in his pocket.

  At the bottom of the avenue, Walter and his grandad turned onto Nittiburg Main Street, with its polished cobbles and quaint village air. Grandad saw Mrs Fleming, the florist, and stopped to ask her something. She went inside and returned with a pretty bunch of wild irises. Walter knew that the flowers were for Nurse Hatchett, as Grandad never returned from the village without a gift of some kind.

  ‘I think you like Nurse Hatchett,’ Walter teased his grandad.

  ‘I do not,’ replied Grandad. ‘She’s an old bag. I only give her flowers to try and put her off the idea of poisoning my porridge.’

  9

  Danny Biggles pushes his Luck

  The following morning, as Walter walked to school with Levon, he noticed that the shopkeepers who had seen him on TV had changed their shop names to the backwards spellings.

  ‘Levon,’ Walter said, ‘I’d like to do you a favour for getting me on “Most Gifted”.’

  ‘No,’ Levon replied. ‘It was my way of saying thanks to you for getting my bike back. You’re my best friend and I knew how much you wanted to be on TV for your grandad.’

  ‘Well,’ continued Walter, ‘it’s really a favour for both of us.’

  ‘Does it have anything to do with Danny Biggles?’