“Thanks,” I said as he placed mine in front of me. I took a sip. Not quite as good as the beers I’d been drinking on the weekend in Belgium, unfortunately. I couldn’t really blame Tom for that though.
“So…” he started. I looked at him expectantly.
“So?” I prompted when he let the silence linger a little too long.
He let out a deep breath. “Sorry. I don’t really know what to say. I just wanted to see you. I’ve been missing you a lot lately.” He said the last part while looking intently into his pint glass, as if the beer might give him an answer.
“Right…” Tom looked up at me, a hurt look flickering across his face. “Sorry,” I said immediately. “I don’t know what to say either.”
Tom nodded, and took a deep draught of beer. I followed his example.
We sat in awkward silence for a minute or two, but then I let out a short laugh. Tom looked at me, quizzically.
“What?” he asked, started to laugh himself.
“This.” I waved at the air between him and I. “Us.”
Tom chuckled and nodded for a moment. “Yep.”
After that, the awkwardness seemed to dissolve, and we were soon debating and laughing over the latest political blunderings of our insipid leaders. I’d always enjoyed our debates; we didn’t come close to agreeing on everything and sometimes he plain just exasperated me, but he kept me on my toes and I liked that. And we never got nasty. Without intending it, I let my guard down. I actually had a good time, and when his knee ‘accidentally’ brushed mine, I didn’t move it away.
“Can I see you tomorrow?” Tom asked, after I told him I had to leave. I pushed my chair in and studied him for a moment.
“All right. I finish work at five tomorrow.”
“Five it is.” He grinned up at me, and then stood up himself.
He went in for a hug and then stopped himself, arms hanging awkwardly by his side. I couldn’t help it. I’d always been a sucker. I leaned in to give him a quick hug, and before I knew what was happening, his lips were on mine. I didn’t pull away. His touch, his smell, the feel of his lips on mine were so familiar, and until recently, I’d been aching for them. I kissed him back, luxuriating for a moment in the comforting feeling of his lips against mine, of his arms around me, and forgetting everything else around me. His whiskers brushed against me as he deepened the kiss. That was different. Tom had almost always been clean shaven when we’d been together. It kind of reminded me of Leo’s stubble. Leo. Shite.
I pulled back. He looked at me questioningly.
“I really have to go, I’m sorry.”
I waved to him over my shoulder as I all but ran to the closest tube station.
Annie followed me into my room. I flopped down onto the bed.
“So….?” Annie asked, unintentionally echoing Tom earlier in the evening.
I lifted my head up and groaned at the wall.
“What happened?” Annie asked, concern ringing in her voice.
“I am a horrible human being,” I said into my pillow.
Annie sank down on the edge of my bed and patted my back. “Surely it can’t be that bad?”
“It is,” I assured her.
“What… what happened?”
“I kissed Tom. Well, no, Tom kissed me. But I kissed him back,” I gabbled.
Annie sighed. I glanced up at her. “You’re not a horrible person, Bea. You’re just human.”
I rolled over and sat up, drawing my legs up to me. “I’m so confused,” I said.
I’d replayed Tom’s kiss in my mind the whole way home. It had been nice, damn it. I’d enjoyed it. I’d liked it. I’d wanted more.
Annie smiled ruefully at me. “Hey, what’s your twenties without a good love triangle?”
I let out a small laugh and then an epic sigh.
“C’mon,” Annie said, holding out her hand. “Come out to the lounge room and have a glass of wine. We can hash it out.”
“Okay.” I got up and followed my friend out. It was only us at home; Gemma and Mara were out meeting up with some guys Mara knew from her old job. Annie pulled a bottle of red wine out from somewhere - we had so many stashes around the house, it was a bit scary, and also hard to keep track of…
“So what happened?” Annie asked, pushing a full glass of vino into my all too willing hand. Where to start?
“Well… so, you know he came in this morning…” I paused, and Annie nodded, encouraging me to go on. I took a deep gulp on wine and then spluttered. It wasn’t very good. Annie winced and looked at the bottle. “Sorry, I think it’s a cheap one we picked up a while ago…” I shook my head. “Doesn’t matter. Wine’s wine, right?”
“If you say so. Anyway… so he came back and met you after work?”
I nodded. “Yeah, it was really awkward at first… but then… I don’t know, Annie. We started talking. Not about anything serious, just random things like politics and books and…” I trailed off and took a smaller sip. “It was nice,” I concluded.
“Nice?” Annie asked, looking slightly skeptical.
“Yeah,” I said, slightly defensively. Annie had never been a huge Tom fan, but they’d mostly gotten along. “It was… kinda like old times.”
“I see… so when did the kissing thing happen?”
I looked up at the roof so I wouldn’t have to look Annie in the eye. “When I was leaving. I went to hug him, well no, he went to hug me… anyway,” I waved my hand. “It doesn’t matter. He kissed me. It was a spur of the moment type thing. And, stupid me, I kissed him back.”
“Then what happened?”
I looked at her. “I left.”
Annie didn’t say anything, just took her own sip on wine, grimaced, and then looked at me.
“He wants to see me again tomorrow.” I fiddled with the stem of my wine glass.
“And what do you want?” Annie asked, looking at me rather intently. I squirmed slightly under her shrewd gaze.
“I don’t know, Annie,” I moaned. “It felt so good for a minute there. No, for longer - when we were just chatting. It was so nice, and normal and familiar. And the kiss. I liked it. I think I kind of wanted him to kiss me, you know?”
Annie nodded. “He’s familiar. He’s habit. You were with him for over two years. It’s natural to want to-”
“But then I thought of Leo,” I interrupted. “And I pulled away. And I felt guilty, and scared and I don’t know. Ugh.”
Annie chewed her lip. “What exactly is going on with you and Leo?”
“I don’t know,” I moaned again. “I really like him. And he really likes me. But… you know…” I waved my hand around. “Logistics…”
Annie nodded again. “Yeah. Bit complicated. But, have you guys talked about it?”
I shook my head. “Not really. A little bit, but not really. I don’t even know when I’m going to see him again.”
“Well, all I can say is that you don’t have to rush into a choice. You know Tom. Leo’s new. You know why you and Tom didn’t work out the first time. Has anything changed? Leo might fizzle out, or he might be the love of your life, we don’t know yet. But…”
“So I should just see how things go?” I asked, looking for reassurance and guidance. I felt like I was a buoy cut loose in a storm.
Annie shrugged. “I guess? You still have feelings for Tom, that’s pretty obvious.” She looked at me for confirmation. I nodded. “And you really like this new guy, Leo, and would like to see where things go?” I nodded again.
“Well do that. You’re not tied to one person, you can explore things with both of them. Just don’t let it string along too long, otherwise you might hurt someone.”
“Probably me…” I grumbled.
Chapter Fourteen
Old Comforts and Familiar Habits
The next few weeks fell into an all too easy pattern. Tom became a fixture out front of the bookshop, waiting for me after every shift. I smiled and my heart lifted a little bit every time I saw him there. I k
ind of always half expected him to not show up, to drift away like he had before. I didn’t really know why he kept coming back. We hadn’t really talked about anything serious, we’d just been enjoying each others’ company and catching up on the missing past few months of each others lives and reminiscing about old adventures. There was one big elephant in the room that we didn’t talk about at all though; Leo. I was kind of dreading it coming up. It was bound to. He’d seen me with Leo at the pub that night, and I was pretty sure he knew that Leo was the ‘friend’ I’d stayed with in Belgium.
My nightly email exchanges with Leo remained a savoured and longed for fixture of my day as well, that soon morphed into nightly Skype calls. I didn’t tell him about Tom at first, but I found myself wanting to, but something kept holding me back.
Annie and I were sitting alone in the lounge room. Annie was reading a book and I was staring absent-mindedly out the window, my mind on Tom and Leo.
“Do you think I should?” I asked Annie.
“Should what?” Mara asked, waltzing into the room. I glanced, slightly alarmed, at Annie who helpfully shrugged.
I took a deep breath. “Tell Leo that I’ve been hanging out with Tom.”
Mara blinked at me. “Why have you been doing that? And why didn’t you tell me? He’s a giant twat!”
“Probably because I knew you’d say that,” I said, feeling slightly defensive, and also slightly guilty.
“Did you know about this?” Mara rounded on Annie. Annie nodded, shrinking down into the cushions.
“Bea’s a big girl, she needs to make up her own mind,” Annie said, sounding more assertive than she looked. I shot her a grateful look.
Mara took a deep breath. I could tell she was trying to calm herself. She turned back to me. “Why have you been seeing Tom? What’s going on? Are you okay?” She reached out to feel my forehead. I swatted her hand away.
“It’s nothing serious…”
“Then why are you worrying if you should tell Leo or not?”
I shrugged helplessly. “It just… I don’t know. It feels kind of dishonest.”
Mara arched an exquisite eyebrow at me. “And why would that be, I wonder?”
“Oh, give me a break.”
Mara paused, looking at me intently. I squirmed under her gaze, but didn’t look away.
“I’m sorry,” she said, surprising me. I could see Annie relax a bit out of the corner of my eye.
“Sorry?”
Mara shrugged. “I… I just don’t want to see you get hurt again. You were pretty messed up when Tom broke up with you. I don’t want you to go through that again.”
I blinked rapidly. “Thanks, Mara. I’m being careful, I promise. Nothing’s really happened. Not really. We’ve just been hanging out a bit…”
“Why?” Mara asked again, this time less aggressively, and more puzzled-sounding.
I told her the story of Tom coming by and asking to see him, and that first outing. “And he’s been coming by every day this week…” I trailed off.
“And?”
“And what?”
“Well… what does he want?”
I bit my lip and contemplated the tree branch batting against the window for a moment.
“I don’t actually know. We haven’t really talked about it…” I trailed off.
“Does he want to get back together? Casually hook up with you? Become friends with benefits until he finds someone else?”
I frowned at her, and she gave me a wry shrug.
“You should probably talk to him about it, Bea,” Annie chimed in.
“Ugh. I know. I hate having serious conversations.”
“Maybe figure out what you want first though…” Mara said.
What did I want? Hanging out with Tom had been comforting in its own way. And it also felt slightly naughty and dangerous, which gave me a rush I never used to feel with Tom, before. Leo, on the other hand, was all fresh giddy excitement, and a wonder at the possible futures we could share. If I didn’t stuff things up…
I kept flip-flopping in a massive way over the next few days. I felt like I was giving myself emotional whip-lash. When I was with Tom, I started to think, maybe, just maybe we could make this work again. We both obviously still had feelings of some sort for each other. I just didn’t know if the reasons we’d broken up in the first place had gone away. Tom had said back then that he didn’t see a future together. Had that changed? Why would it have? After we’d broken up I’d been a wreck, but also… relieved in a way. I didn’t see that at the time, but looking back now… lots of things hadn’t been working for us. Nothing terrible, it just seemed like it was slightly off-kilter, like it could be better. As if we’d just been going through the motions.
With Leo, it felt different. I was excited and happy when I thought about him, but the logistics of our situation was a large shadow looming over me. I loved getting his emails, his random texts, and chatting to him. If we weren’t careful, we’d end up talking all night and staying up way too late. We started tentatively making plans to see each other again; he had some leave coming up, and asked me if I wanted to go with him someplace neither of us had been before. We’d narrowed it down to Iceland, Dubrovnik or Sicily. I was already daydreaming about our reunion. I was getting pretty good at compartmentalising my feelings.
I had a couple of days off, and Tom asked if we could hang out one afternoon. I met him at the tube station near his home. He’d offered to come to me, but I’d been irrationally worried that we might bump into Mara, and I didn’t want to face the judgement in her eyes or deal with the aftermath of whatever she would say to Tom.
I climbed the stairs up and out of the station. I walked and climbed so much more living here in London than I did back home in Melbourne where I had my trusty car and a not quite as convenient public transport system. My waistline appreciated it, even if my lazy legs didn’t always.
Tom had a picnic basket slung over his arm, and a ready grin on his face. I felt an answering grin spread over my own face.
“What have you got planned?” I asked when I joined him, not dodging his welcome kiss like Mara no doubt thought I should.
“It’s such a nice day I thought we should make the most of it,” he said. His free hand gestured up at the brilliant blue sky.
“It really is a glorious day,” I said. We started walking towards Hyde Park.
“The terrible weather and short summers here do have the benefit of making you actually appreciate the nice weather when it eventually arrives!”
I nodded in agreement. I half zoned out while Tom talked about school and grizzled about some of his fellow teachers. A few of my friends were teachers, besides Tom. I’d long ago learned to let them have their grizzles. They seemed to need it, be it about their students, other staff, or the parents. I’d also long ago learned how to tune them out. I’m sure it would be mildly interesting if I actually knew the people involved, but I didn’t. And it wasn’t.
We made it to the park. A lot of other Londoners had had the same idea as us, apparently. We managed to find a spot that was relatively isolated from the other picnic-goers and spread the blanket down. Tom rummaged through his basket and handed me a bottle of pear cider.
“Thanks,” I said. I cracked it open and took a sip. Yum. I really hoped you could get this brand back home. I’d miss it when I moved back.
I fiddled with a small flower that had been growing in the grass near the blanket while Tom pulled out what turned out to be quite the impressive spread. Various cheeses, strawberries, grapes, crackers, honey, chocolate…
“Wow, this is amazing,” I said. “You didn’t have to go to all this trouble.”
“No trouble,” Tom said seriously. “You’re worth it.”
I didn’t say anything, just looked at him. I could feel my face growing warmer than the twenty-six degree day warranted. Tom seemed to notice my discombobulation.
“You are, Bea. Don’t sell yourself short. Here, try some of this cheddar.
It’s aged, just the way you like it.”
Wordlessly I took the proffered cheese and cracker. I dribbled some honey on the cheese and popped it into my mouth. Divine. I didn’t think I could ever become a vegan. I loved cheese way too much.
We kept eating, slowly grazing our way through the pile of food, making comments and speculations about the people around us.
“What about those two?” I pointed my chin at a couple about twenty metres away, who were locked in a very amorous embrace.
“Second date,” Tom declared. I giggled. “Too full on to be a first date, not restrained enough to be longer.”
I popped a grape in my mouth and savoured the flavour that exploded over my tongue.
“Bea, I… I wanted to say something to you. Something I probably should have said a long time ago.” I glanced at him. He looked nervous all of a sudden.
“What is it?”
“I shouldn’t have broken up with you. I made a huge mistake. I was wrong. I’m sorry.”
“Oh…” What do I say to that? My mind drew up blanks.
“I’ve really enjoyed hanging out with you again,” he kept going.
“Yeah, me too. It’s been nice.”
“Do you think we should -”
“Let’s not rush anything,” I interrupted. I lay back on the blanket, even though my heart was pounding a million miles a minute. “Don’t you think that cloud looks like Donald Trump?”
Tom snorted and lay down as well.
“Now that you mention it…”
I made up an excuse to leave before the talk could turn serious again, my mind a whirl of confusion. Why was it this hard? Shouldn’t it be easy?
I knocked on Annie’s bedroom door. The other two girls were out again. Thanks to differing schedules, I hadn’t seen Gemma for days. I was starting to miss her.
“Hey, what’s up?” Annie looked up from her laptop.
“Are you busy?” I hovered in the doorway.
Unexpected: A Backpacker Romance (The Backpacker Romances) Page 16