Chasing the Music: For the Love of Music Book 0.5

by Josephs, Mia

  There was no justification for this. No way to explain this easily away. But he wasn’t going to have sex with her. He wasn’t even going to kiss her. But it felt like, for one night, he could pretend she was his and he was hers and that none of the rest of the world mattered. As horrible a guy as it made him.

  One night.

  Nineteen

  Lita rolled over, but the warmth next to her disappeared, so she turned back and snuggled in again. Her heart thumped as she reached forward and her hand hit Griffin’s stomach.

  It was real. She’d stayed with him. Lita felt her mouth pull into a smile and tightened her arm around his waist.

  His fingers slid over her shoulder and she let her eyes fall closed not able to place a time she’d ever felt so safe.

  “You okay?” he whispered. “Better?”

  “I slept. So well.” She rubbed her fingers over the soft material of his shirt as all the reasons she came to him rolled through her mind again. What a mess she was.

  He lightly squeezed her shoulder. “You got tense.”

  “What are people going to say about me? What if I can’t stop losing weight? What if I just can’t keep it together?” The words stuck in her throat.

  He sighed.

  “What if I just can’t manage the stress?” she squeaked. “What if people find out that I’m practically falling apart?”

  He sat silent for a moment, and she began to wish she hadn’t opened her mouth. Griffin knew the worst things about her, and all she could do was trust that he wouldn’t betray that information.

  “I can’t believe I’ve told you all this.” Even though he felt okay. Safe.

  “Head them off,” Griffin quickly answered. “Be the first to speak. It’ll give you a great platform to help empower girls in being okay with their bodies. You can tell them what you told me. That the stress was eating you. That you were so afraid that women would see how thin you were and want that. You have so much power to help.”

  “I have no such thing,” she said softly. “I sometimes feel like I’m owned by everyone but myself. I can’t even control my own breathing, Griffin. Or make myself eat.”

  He clasped his hands over hers. “You are so brave. So brave. Don’t forget how aware you are in this moment. Please don’t forget that.”

  Her head fell back onto his shoulder as she let his words settle in. At that moment, she never wanted to leave the hotel room. “I’ve turned into something else you have to worry about.”

  He gently squeezed her hands. “I don’t have to worry about anyone or anything. I choose to.”

  She opened her mouth to ask why he chose her, but his phone rang, jolting them apart.

  Griffin turned away from her and reached for his phone. He stiffened for a moment and she felt her face fall, knowing things had changed again.

  “Shit,” he breathed out as he sat.

  “What’s up?” she asked but immediately regretted it. His girlfriend was the one who was always calling and texting. Of course it would be her. The reality of Griffin’s situation rammed into her like a wall. Again. She watched Griffin frantically type into his phone for a moment before taking his head in his hands and letting out a long, slow breath.

  She wanted to wrap her arms around him. Wrap her legs around him and kiss his head, force him to fall into her, but that wouldn’t help. Not for a guy like Griffin.

  She was the problem.

  Lita sat up quickly. She pressed her hands against her stomach, which was already tight and rolling. Not a good sign for her day. She’d been so stupid to come to Griffin. So stupid.

  “Stacy’s almost here. Now.” His voice was barely a whisper, tortured and thoughtful. “Thought we could road trip to the next show.”

  Here. She clutched her stomach more tightly and shifted away from him. “Oh.”

  Griffin’s fingers once again slid over her shoulder, the upper part of her back.

  “I never expected to be torn like this. Ever,” he whispered.

  She couldn’t do this. With the word ‘torn’ came the feeling of hope and that was stupid where someone as loyal as Griffin was concerned. She was the one who felt more than she should. She was the one who had come to him. Shown him the weakest parts of her. She should not be surprised that he didn’t want her. Those words echoed in her head again. His girlfriend was there. The one he wanted. Even after all their togetherness, Griffin did not want Lita.

  Her stomach lurched, but she was done being vulnerable in front of him. So stupid. So completely stupid to let him in on so much.

  “Don’t worry about me, Griff.” She pushed her heeled boots onto her feet, facing the wall. “I mean, whatever. We’re friends. It’s all okay.”

  “Lita.”

  But she didn’t stop. Didn’t pause. Didn’t look his way. There was no way she could face Griffin in that moment without crying. How was it possible that the one person she felt comfortable baring herself to, was one of the last people she should have burdened with her problems?

  She stood and started for the door. “Bridget texted to say she had my coffee. I’m out.”

  She heard him scramble out of bed behind her and she strode toward the door, stopping when she touched the handle. Turn it. Turn the handle. Leave.

  She’d been so horribly stupid.

  The sound of his small fridge opening and closing again almost turned her around, but instead she turned the handle. It was time to get out.

  “Wait.” He touched her shoulder and her knees almost buckled. This was not how it was supposed to happen. When she found someone, he was supposed to be crazy about her. Crazy enough that he’d do stupid things to be with her. Overcome anything to be together…

  “Maybe this will give you some energy or something.” He set a small bottle of Superfood in her right hand. Frustration raced through her and she dropped the bottle on the floor. “You’re not my mom, Griff. Let it go.” And she shoved her way out the door.

  Griffin didn’t follow.

  Lita texted Bridget and walked straight for the bus, even though they weren’t scheduled to leave for another hour. Anger and humiliation and frustration poured through her over and over and over. He didn’t want her. The words she knew to be true, which made her actions seem even worse.

  Lita: Going to sleep on bus. Do not disturb.

  Bridget: Please come by room real quick, K? I got a couple questions on clothes for packing placement so we don’t have to dump out everything when we get there.

  Lita sighed, but she wasn’t one for making Bridget’s job too horrible. Maybe if she was able to sleep, she’d wake up and everything would feel more clear. Or maybe… Maybe since Griffin was going to have someone tag along with him, she could have that too… She tightened her jaw, determined to do whatever it took to push away this shitty unwanted humiliated feeling that tried to suffocate her.

  Griffin slammed his head against the wall the second the door closed.

  What shit timing.

  What an asshole he was on all sides.

  There was no way after last night that he didn’t know Lita felt somewhat the same way, and he’d let her stay. It was completely selfish. He wanted to spend time with her so he did, feeling like in the end, it would only be him who was hurt when he went home to Stacy, but somewhere, something changed…

  How was it possible that he was in a position to hurt Lita James?

  Griffin walked back to his bed, picked up his phone and started a text to Lita, but to say what? I’m sorry? She already knew.

  And Stacy was almost there. In his car. How had this happened? All of it? Any of it? He should have just stayed at home, but already the thought of going back there… He choked on the idea.

  Okay. Clothes. Buses. He shoved all his stuff back into his one bag, and scanned Ryker’s side of the room. Clean. No bag. Shit. He must have come in sometime in the middle of the night. Which meant he saw Griffin with Lita. He was going to catch hell from Ryker too.

  Griffin threw on the jeans
and t-shirt closest to the top of his bag, snatched his toiletries from the bathroom, and left.

  “Griff!” Ryker waved from between the buses with a shit-eating grin on his face. He no doubt waited outside the buses just to confront Griffin about his sleeping arrangements the night before. “What’s up?”

  Too many people were around for Ryker to out him for the night before, but he knew he was about to get it from his brother anyway, so he kept moving forward.

  “Yeah. So.” Ryker jogged up to him, stopping close. “Last night. In the hotel room. You two looked pretty damn cozy.”

  Griffin pulled in a long breath through his nose. “She’s aware of Stacy, of my situation or whatever. Nothing happened.”

  Ryker snorted. “That’s not at all the problem.”

  Of course it wasn’t a problem for Ryker. Griffin rolled his eyes.

  “The problem is not what you think it is. Lita is crazy, Griff. I mean, she’s cool, but she’s up one day, down the next. You do not need to go from babysitting Mom and Stacy to that. And it’s never a good idea to have a one-nighter with your boss because it’s not just a one-nighter because they’ll keep showing up...because you work for them.”

  “I dare you to add one more ‘because’ into that sentence.”

  Griffin pushed past Ryker and froze when his faded, yellow convertible pulled into the parking lot.

  “And this.” Ryker slapped his back. “This is where the shit hits the fan.”

  Griffin flipped his brother off and Ryker headed for the bus. Griffin’s heart pounded for a million reasons. Because he was sorry. Because he wanted Stacy here and because he didn’t want her here. Because he didn’t want to feel torn. Because he might lose Stacy over Lita staying over that night. Because if he didn’t lose her over that, she was going to stress and worry about him and her and how he felt, and she would be more clingy than ever, and it could have all been avoided. All of it.

  He walked toward the car, which was inching forward slowly in a sea of small cars and gave her a wave.

  Short blond hair flew out around Stacy’s face as she drove his way. She stopped the car next to Griffin, an almost shy smile on her face.

  “I like the new hair.” His face felt as if it were breaking when he forced his smile on. “You look great.”

  “This is so weird.” She slowly climbed over the car door and bit her lip. “I’ve never been away from you… I don’t know… This isn’t…”

  This was her. The girl he’d promised himself to. The one he’d told he’d take care of for the rest of forever. He took every bit of want and desire he had stored up and hadn’t been able to use, pulling Stacy into his arms and kissing her.

  It felt so different to hold her, but her mouth was the same. He kissed her harder, holding her head to his, feeling her tongue tracing his own. Instead of his heart feeling like it was healing up, it split further. Divided more. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. He slid his hands down her back, and grabbed her hips pulling her against him. Maybe more would help. Maybe everything would. Maybe it would take her naked body against his to fade everything else away.

  “Griff,” she gasped. “Wait. Please.”

  He stopped and dropped his hands, backing away. His body shook. He was a mess. A complete raging mess.

  “I thought maybe you could ride with me and we could talk? It’s like four hours to your next stop, and I—”

  “You’ve been driving all night.” Griffin went into protective mode because it was something to do. Gave him a purpose. “We should eat. Get you some coffee, or—”

  Stacy held up a hand. “You. Always taking care of people. I’m fine. I ate breakfast about an hour ago and got coffee. I’m fine.”

  He was relieved that she’d eaten, and then he remembered Stacy wasn’t the one who couldn’t eat. Lita had dropped the juice, which meant she was going to eat nothing or another one of those damned iced coffees.

  Not his problem. Only he knew he wouldn’t stop worrying.

  “Oh Griffin.” Stacy tugged on his t-shirt with a huge grin. “Is that Lita?”

  He followed her gaze to Lita, Apelu and Bridget walking for the bus together. Lita had gotten herself together fast. Thin legs came out of a mini skirt paired with lace up boots. Her hair fell around her face like she’d just had it done, and her sunglasses covered most of her pale face. She looked every bit the rock star she was.

  “Introduce me. Please? You said you two were friends.” Stacy tugged on him harder. “Please?”

  “I’m sure she’s in a hurry,” he stammered, not at all ready for the two girls to be together. “Maybe before the show.” If you’re still talking to me then.

  And just then Lita gave him a wave and started his way. Griffin’s throat swelled, his mouth dried out, and he leaned against the car as his legs started to give out. This was not how he wanted their meeting to happen. At all.

  Lita gave Stacy a good look-over, envy raking through her hard. Stacy was pretty in the way that good southern girls are pretty. Wide, white smile, windblown blond hair, curvy in all the places Lita would never be curvy—especially if she didn’t re-learn how to eat.

  She couldn’t think about that now. Now was all about putting on a face and hoping Griffin was at least as miserable as she was. Only how could he be? His girl was here and by the looks of that kiss, he was pretty ecstatic about it. She’d never misread someone so horribly, and she hated herself for it.

  “You’ve got to be Stacy.” Lita stopped, holding out her hand, willing it not to shake.

  Stacy beamed and grabbed Lita’s hand. “Oh my gawd. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be crazy, but I love you.”

  Lita glanced at Griffin, knowing neither of them could see her eyes through her dark, tinted glasses. “That’s so nice. Griffin said you’re coming to the show tonight?” she added sweetly. “And maybe tomorrow?”

  “He said that was okay,” Stacy gushed. “I mean, I hope that’s okay.”

  Lita reached out and touched Stacy on the shoulder. Soft. Not bony. Her throat swelled. This girl had Griffin. Lita did not. Her chest began aching, tightening, suffocating.

  “Of course that’s okay,” she choked out. Her lips were starting to feel numb. Next would come the chin trembling and moments later the tears.

  Griffin looked pale. Ashen even. Good. It was a small consolation but one she’d take.

  “Lucky you not having to ride the bus,” she teased Griffin as her heart seemed to fall through the pavement. “Enjoy the drive.”

  “Yeah.” Griffin coughed. “You too.”

  Lita gave them a small wave as she moved toward the bus. She leaned in toward Bridget. “Keep them away from me if you can,” she said quietly.

  “What kind of a mess are you in?” Bridget asked before throwing a glare over her shoulder.

  “Just over-stressed.” Lita waved her friend away as the bus doors opened. “I’m going to try and get some shut-eye.”

  But the girl was real. Stacy was real. Those words she’d thought and even spoken out loud hadn’t felt completely true until that moment. Griffin was in love with someone else. She’d known, but hadn’t let the reality of his relationship settle in. Seeing him pressed against Stacy, the way Lita had been dreaming he wanted to be pressed into her… No. She wasn’t ready to deal with that.

  Lita barely closed the door to the bedroom before choking on her first sob. At least Chandler was coming out for a visit. At least there was that.

  Twenty

  “Holy shit,” Stacy whispered as she clutched Griffin’s arm and Lita walked away.

  Lita stumbled twice, but probably no one else would notice. He was watching her far more closely than he should.

  In that moment, he hated himself. He wanted to hold Lita, but he didn’t want to break Stacy, and… he couldn’t believe what a mess he’d made.

  “Ready to drive?” Griffin asked.

  Stacy patted her chest as if it would slow down her heart. Hell, if that worked Griffin would be pou
nding his chest right now.

  “Yeah,” she breathed out. “You get used to this? Being around her?”

  How did he even answer that? She didn’t look like the untouchable Lita James anymore—the girl on the posters and albums—but he couldn’t imagine ever ‘getting used’ to touching her. Being around her. He just shrugged in response.

  “Ready?” Stacy asked, already buckled in the passenger’s side as Griffin still clutched the broken door handle.

  “Yeah. Ready.”

  Stacy’s brows went up and Griffin sat on the door and swung his legs into the car, dropping into the driver’s seat. He wanted to fast forward the next few hours. He couldn’t sit and talk about nothing. He had to tell her that he and Lita had gotten closer than he thought. That she’d confided in him. That even though technically nothing happened, his heart had changed. She’d shared his bed the night before. It’s not like he could wait until the end of the drive and then run away.

  Autopilot kicked in and he followed the buses onto the freeway. The road noise kicked up a few notches, but they’d driven in this car together for so long, he barely noticed it anymore. Other cars were just weirdly quiet.

  He’d have to put the pieces of him and Stacy back together—whatever they were.

  “So,” Stacy started. Her hands clasped together in nerves and Griffin tightened his grip on the steering wheel.

  “Is it that weird to be around me again? I’ve known you forever, Stace.” He reached over and took her hand, but she pulled it back, clasping hers together again.

  “Yeah.” She let out a nervous half laugh. “I know. It’s that… I don’t know… I feel like so much has happened.”

  “Yeah,” he mused. “I haven’t heard from you as much lately.” He took that as a good sign. That maybe she wouldn’t need him as much when he went home. That maybe his life would be easier and it wouldn’t be so awful giving up his opportunity to jump into another tour when Lita’s finished.