Unbelonging

by Sabrina Stark

  I took a deep breath and slowly pulled open the massive front door. It made no sound as I cracked it open barely enough to slip outside and shut it softly behind me.

  The air was frigid, and my heart was racing. Still, I forced myself to move slowly, not only to keep from attracting attention, but also because Lawton's shoes felt a dozen sizes too big. The last thing I needed now was to end up face-down on his brick walkway.

  Ahead of me, I saw the front gate. Shut. Of course. But there must be an easy way to open it. A keypad? Or maybe a motion detector? After all, the gate was meant to keep people out, not trap them in. Right?

  But when I approached the gate, nothing happened. My heart, already racing, hammered that much harder as I rushed toward it, forgetting the shoes, forgetting to be subtle. When I was close enough to touch it, I scanned along either side, looking for whatever might control the thing.

  "Looking for something?" a male voice said.

  I whirled around and came face-to-face with Lawton, his face devoid of expression as he stood watching me.

  "I'm leaving," I blurted out.

  He crossed his arms. "Obviously."

  I glared at him. "You can't keep me here."

  His mouth fell open, and I saw the hurt in his eyes. "Is that what you think?" he said. "That I want to force you to stay?"

  I pushed aside a rush of guilt. If anyone should feel guilty, it was him. "I don't want to fight about it," I said. "I just need to go, that's all."

  "That's all," he repeated, his voice flat.

  "It's just that –" I struggled to find some excuse to avoid a confrontation. "I don't want to leave Chucky alone."

  "And you just realized this?"

  I nodded.

  "You know," he said, "you didn't have to lie to me. I would've helped you either way."

  "I wasn't lying."

  "Right."

  He was a fine one to talk about lying. "Are you gonna let me go or not?" I asked.

  "You wanna go? Fine. But you're not walking. Not alone." His gaze dropped briefly to my clothes. "And not like that."

  "I'll be fine," I insisted.

  "Yeah? And how are you gonna get inside your house?"

  "I'll figure something out."

  He looked at me a long time. "Alright." Something in his voice made my heart hitch just a little. "You win."

  Funny, I didn't feel like a winner.

  "But I'm still driving you. And that's not negotiable." He glanced toward his house. "I'm gonna get the car. I'm guessing you wanna wait here."

  I nodded.

  "Yeah. I figured." He turned away, walked a couple of steps, then turned back around to say, "And just so you know, you can run off if you want, maybe scale the fence, whatever. But so can I. And I guarantee you, I can do it a lot faster than you can."

  I stood near the gate, the cold stinging my face, as I waited for him to come back. I didn't know what to think or how I felt. But whatever it was, it wasn't good.

  Soon, the familiar hot-rod pulled up next to me, and the passenger side door flew open. Silently, I climbed into the car. The gate had slid magically open as Lawton's car approached, so it was a simple matter of driving through it. Except it didn't feel simple. None of this did.

  Other than the rumble of the engine, the short drive to the Parkers' was utterly silent. Lawton didn't say anything, and neither did I. My stomach churned as I reviewed the highs and lows of the evening. The highs had been spectacular, the lows mortifying.

  And what would I find when I arrived back at the Parkers'? The back door open? Chucky gone? The place trashed?

  From the passenger seat, I snuck a sideways glance at Lawton. His hands were tight on the steering wheel, and he stared straight ahead, his face devoid of expression. My heart ached just a little when I considered the change compared to just a short time ago, when he'd looked at me with enough tenderness to make my insides melt.

  I bit my lip. This wasn't all his fault. Maybe none of it was his fault. But it wasn't mine, either. Not really.

  When we pulled into the Parkers' long, tree-lined driveway, I turned to him and mumbled a perfunctory thanks for his help.

  Other than a silent sideways glance, he gave no indication that he'd heard me at all. Instead, he cut the engine and opened the driver's side door.

  "What are you doing?" I asked.

  He gave me a hard look. "I'm gonna help you get inside."

  "How?"

  "I don't know yet."

  "Yeah, I bet," I muttered.

  I didn't know either, but I had a pretty good guess. Probably through a broken window or shattered door, courtesy of his stupid brother.

  Together, we walked toward the front door. As we approached, I gave it a good, long look. Surprisingly, it looked fine. When I got there, I tried the doorknob. It didn't budge. My hand still on the doorknob, I scanned the front windows. They looked exactly the same as before.

  From somewhere inside the house, I heard Chucky yapping like he always did. I breathed a sigh of relief. At least he was there, and apparently okay. I crossed one worry off my list. Only a million more remained.

  Together, Lawton and I walked around the side of the house, and then toward the back. I saw nothing out of order. No splintered wood, no broken glass. When we reached the back patio, Lawton stood beside me as I tried the doorknob. Still locked. How had Bishop gotten in, anyway?

  Next, I watched as Lawton tried all the windows within reach. All locked.

  With a sigh, I had to admit the truth. "I'm not sure what to do."

  "You stay here," he said. "Maybe try the back door again. I'll try the front."

  "But I already tried the front," I said. It was a total waste of time. The front door had a dead-bolt the size of an oak tree, and I distinctly recalled locking it before I'd gotten into that stupid bath forever ago.

  "Yeah, but I haven't," Lawton said. "Maybe the knob's stuck."

  "Fine," I muttered and went to give the back door another try. I tried a couple times, with the same result as before. With a sigh, I turned to walk around the house to the front. At the midway point, I ran straight into Lawton.

  "Got it," he said.

  "What?"

  "The front door."

  I stared at him. "How?"

  He shrugged. "Probably stuck, just like I said."

  Somehow, I was having a hard time believing that.

  He glanced toward his car. "Well, I guess that's it."

  "I guess."

  He gave me a long look as if waiting for something more.

  When I said nothing else, he said, "Alright. See ya around," and slowly turned away.

  As I watched him walk to his car and get inside, my insides churned. When the engine roared to life, my heart ached. I didn't want him to go. But I didn't want him to stay. I had no idea what I wanted, but this definitely wasn't it.

  Still, I needed some serious time to think. Until then, I knew what I had to do.

  Nothing.

  So I made my way to the Parkers' front door and twisted the knob. It opened on the first try. With a final glance over my shoulder, I opened the door, walked inside, and locked it behind me.

  Then, and only then, did I hear Lawton pull out of the long driveway.

  Inside, nothing was gone, broken, or out of place, and that included Chucky. My purse was exactly where I'd left it, with nothing missing. That should've made me feel better, but somehow it didn't. And even with Chucky sleeping at the foot of the bed, that night, I felt more alone than I had in a long, long time.

  Chapter 29

  "You didn't," Grandma said.

  I buried my face in my hands. "I did."

  "Fuck off?" She grinned. "Exact words? No shit?"

  Lifting my head, I nodded.

  It was mid-morning, and it had been only a few hours since I'd argued with Lawton. But I wasn't ready to discuss that particular fiasco. Instead, I focused on the fiasco with my job, or rather my former job, given the way everything looked.

&nbs
p; One disaster at a time, I told myself. I'd just given Grandma a run-down of what had happened, beginning with Brittney's skank-show and ending with what I said to Keith.

  I still wasn't sure how much I'd slept the previous night. Maybe not at all. The situation with Lawton tore at my heart and made me feel stupid, all at the same time. In a way, I barely knew him. But I had liked him way too much for my good. What did it matter? It was over before it began.

  And then there was the thing with my waitressing job. By now, all my short-term satisfaction had completely evaporated. How was I going to pay my bills? Or more to the point, how was I going to pay Grandma's salary for her non-existent job?

  I could never tell her the whole envelope-stuffing gig had been a sham. There was only one thing Grandma hated more than Loretta, and that was charity of any sort.

  If she knew how serious the whole thing was, she wouldn't be laughing. Even with the new accounting job, I'd be without a paycheck for at least a month, maybe more. I bit my lip. Maybe I could pawn something. There was only one problem. I didn't have anything of value.

  "That old job sucked," Grandma said.

  "Yeah." I blinked, hard. "But the pay was good."

  "So what?" Grandma said. "Your boss was an asshole. Can't put a price on that."

  "Yeah, I suppose."

  "Hey," she said, "if it makes you feel better, tonight I'll go over and tell that Keith guy to fuck off, too." She hesitated. "You'd just need to give me a ride."

  At the image of this, I laughed in spite of myself. She wasn't kidding. She'd do it. In a weird, twisted way, it made everything just a little better. "I just might take you up on that," I told her.

  "You know what?" she said. "In a couple months, this'll be ancient history. You'll be at your new job, meeting new people." She grinned. "Wearing regular clothes."

  I nodded. "No more blue eye-shadow."

  "I sort of liked the eye shadow. But that hair." Grandma shuddered. "Hideous. Really."

  By the time I walked out her door, I wasn't feeling too bad. Sure, I'd be without a job for a while, but I'd make it somehow. If I had to, I'd ask Erika for a loan. I'd never done it before, but she'd offered countless times. It wasn't like I didn't have options. I just hated the thought of using them.

  I was halfway down the driveway when I caught movement in my rearview mirror. It was an all-too-familiar woman with short, brown hair.

  I stifled a groan. It was Loretta. She wore tailored slacks, a black turtleneck, and a deep scowl as she barreled down the driveway, waving her arms to get my attention.

  It was the middle of the day. A weekday. Why wasn't she at work?

  With a heavy sigh, I shifted my car into reverse. Slowly, I backed up until my driver's side window was a couple feet from where she'd stopped.

  When I rolled down the window, she wasted no time with pleasantries. "So, you come all the way out here, and you weren't even going to stop by?"

  "What do you mean all the way out here?" It was hardly a cross-country trek. Besides, I wasn't exactly made to feel welcome whenever I did stop by.

  "Don't be dense," she said. "Every time you pull this crap, I'm the one stuck holding the bag, and I'm sick to death of it."

  "What bag?" I squinted at her. "What are you talking about?"

  "Fine, you wanna plan dumb?" she said. "It's your Dad."

  "What?"

  "Yeah." She frowned. "I know you're Granny's girl and all, but would it really kill you to stop by and say 'hi' to your Dad as long as you're all the way out here?"

  What I wanted to do was run her over with my car. What I did do was grip the steering wheel and take a deep breath. Josh would probably be staying at my Dad's house tonight. While I could leave if I wanted, he couldn't. Or at least, he couldn’t go far.

  For his sake, I had to be nice. Unfortunately, that ruled out vehicular homicide, no matter how cheery the thought.

  "Hey!" She leaned in closer. "You listening to me?"

  "Oh, I'm listening." In a fruitless bid for serenity, I took another deep breath. Then, I turned toward her. "I'm sorry. I didn't know he was home." I summoned up a stiff smile. "But sure, I'll stop in and say 'hi'."

  She stared at me like I was insane. "He's not home now," she said. "For God's sake, it's a weekday." She made a sound of disgust. "Not everyone can be gallivanting around town during business hours, you know."

  "Well, since I work nights, this is really the only time I can gallivant. So sorry if – And then the full meaning of her words caught up with me. "Wait a minute. He's not even home?"

  "Of course not," she said. "Some people have to work for a living, or did you conveniently forget that?"

  "Then what are you doing here?" I asked.

  "Meeting the electrician, not that it's any of your concern."

  "I didn't say that it was."

  "Then why'd you ask?"

  I was still gripping the steering wheel. I didn't have to look at my hands to know that my knuckles were bone-white. But I couldn’t let that steering wheel go. If I did, I was in serious danger of popping her in the face.

  "I give up," I said. "Just tell me what you want me to do, and I'll do it. You want me to park the car, and come up to the house, so you can tell me he's not home? Fine, I'll do it. Whatever."

  "Don't be ridiculous," she said.

  "Then what exactly is it that you want?" I asked.

  "Do I really need to spell it out?" She rolled her eyes. "Alright, I guess I should be used to this by now." She put her hands on her hips and spoke very slowly. "Next time, it would be nice if you made at least a little effort. I mean, really, would it kill you to at least knock on the door, or maybe leave a note?"

  She glanced at her watch. "You know what? I don’t have time for this."

  Yeah, that made two of us.

  "Next time," she continued, "try to think, will you?" And with that, she turned on her heel and marched back toward the house.

  "Oh, I'm thinking alright," I muttered as I released my grip on the steering wheel and rolled up the car window.

  My heart was hammering. I hated that it was hammering. I wasn't thirteen anymore. I was an adult, a college graduate. That woman had way too much power over me. I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted to bolt out of the car and bitch-slap the crazy right out of her.

  It wouldn't get rid of the craziness, but would make me feel better, at least until the police came.

  There was only one problem. And that was Josh. Me, I was a big girl. If Loretta took out her crazy on me, maybe that was a good thing. Maybe there'd be a little less crazy flowing Josh's way. Fortunately, Loretta already liked him noticeably better than she'd ever liked me. But that wasn't saying much.

  With a sigh, I threw the car into drive and pulled slowly out of the driveway.

  When I pulled into the Parkers' driveway twenty minutes later, I saw a familiar figure sitting on the front steps.

  Lawton.

  Chapter 30

  It had been less than a day since I'd last seen Lawton, but it felt like ages.

  When I turned off the engine and pulled out the key, I realized my hands were trembling. Why exactly, I wasn't sure. Nervousness? Excitement? Fear? All of the above?

  When I stepped out of the car and shut the driver's-side door behind me, he slowly got to his feet, his hands in his pockets, and his gaze on me. Silently, he watched me approach, his eyes hollow and his face devoid of expression.

  From somewhere inside the house, Chucky was alternating between frantic barks and long, drawn-out whines.

  Yeah, I knew exactly how he felt.

  Lawton gave me a hard look. "I need to know something."

  "Hi to you too," I muttered.

  "Hi?" he said. "Or bye? 'Cause I'm having a hard time figuring it out."

  I looked down at my feet. "I don't know."

  "I know the feeling."

  "Look," I said. "I'm sorry things got so weird last night. It's just –" I shrugged. "I dunno."

  "Tell me," he s
aid, his voice raw. "What'd I do? 'Cause I keep replaying everything in my head, and I can't figure it out. Was it something I said? Something I didn't say? Something I did, didn't do? What?"

  Inside the house, Chucky was now going absolutely berserk. I heard his paws at the door, scratching frantically to get out. If I didn't do something soon, who knows what kind of mess I'd find when I finally opened that door.

  "I should let him out," I said, "give him a walk or something to burn off some of that energy."

  "Is this your way of telling me to leave?"

  I glanced at the house. "Well, we can't be hanging around here, that's for sure."

  It wasn't just because Chucky was getting too worked up. Sure, the house was set far back from the street, but it was the middle of the day. We wouldn't exactly be invisible standing out in the front yard, especially if our discussion got heated. If I was going to have an argument with Lawton, this was definitely the wrong place to be doing it.

  "Why not here?" he said. "You expecting someone?"

  "No," I protested. "Nothing like that."

  He snorted. "If you say so."

  "Look," I said. "It's time for Chucky's walk. And I need to get him out here before he trashes the place."

  "Go ahead," he said. "I'll wait."

  I ran a nervous hand through my hair. "You can wait if you want, but we still can't talk here." I glanced around. "And it's not what you think. I just don't want to make a spectacle for the neighbors."

  "I am one of the neighbors," he said.

  I rolled my eyes. "Are you gonna wait or not?"

  "Oh trust me," he said, "I'm not going anywhere."

  A couple minutes later, Chucky and I were almost ready to go. Like the sap I was, I'd grabbed a bag of doggie treats for the road, and started Chucky out with a pre-walk snack while I laced up my shoes.

  By the time we'd gone a couple of blocks, Chucky seemed happy. Lawton didn't.

  By unspoken agreement, Lawton held Chucky's leash like he always did, while I held out the dubious hope this wouldn't be as awkward as I feared.

  "So, why'd you leave last night?" Lawton asked. "You got someone else? Is that it?"

  "No," I said. "That's definitely not it. And I don't know why you even think that."