Simmer

by Stephanie Rose

  “Take on?” A heavy sigh fell from my lips as the choice I had to make became achingly apparent. “We aren’t your sacrifice or something you have to take on. Take the job, live your life and we’ll live ours. Please let me go.” My voice croaked as I tore my eyes from his.

  “Miss, is there a problem?” A bouncer approached Drew and me, looking between us and the hold he had on my wrist.

  “No, no problem. I was just leaving.” I gazed into Drew’s glassy eyes one more time. Ripping off a Band-Aid was never more excruciating. He was the only man I’d ever loved, and that wouldn’t change, no matter what state we both lived in. I couldn’t and wouldn’t be a burden on him. Maybe he didn’t see it now, but in time he would. Hurting him now would prevent him hating me later.

  The bouncer was the only reason he wouldn’t follow me to my car, and I took advantage of the out.

  “Goodbye, Kostas.”

  Drew

  Me: Please talk to me. I love you. You have to know that.

  I SENT TEXT after text to Sara with no response with calls sent straight to voice mail in between. It’d only been two days, but the more time went on without a reply, the more final it all seemed. I couldn’t lose her. Not now. Maybe we were only officially together since Christmas, but I loved her before that. It didn’t matter if I was twenty-five or fifty-five, I knew Sara was it for me. The job at Ontech was my goal when I started graduate school, but not anymore. My goals were a beautiful brunette and her adorable daughter, and the amazing life I knew we could have. Not accepting the offer to be with her was not settling or a sacrifice, despite my word vomit at the time. She was what I wanted. I convinced her to take a chance on us, and I would again—if she would just fucking answer me. Every second away from her that ticked by brought me that much closer to madness.

  I trudged into the kitchen, tired and hungry and yet restless and sick to my stomach. I needed her back. Nothing felt right or made sense without her.

  “Hey, man.” Brian cringed at my approach. “You look like shit.”

  “I feel like shit, too. Thanks.” All my free time was spent texting and calling Sara. Shaving and showering dropped low on my list of priorities. Sleeping wasn’t happening either as my bedsheets still smelled like Sara. I buried my face in my pillow, breathing in her scent as if I could will her to come to life in my arms. We weren’t broken up, we were in a limbo that needed to be fixed. The more I told myself that, the harder it was to believe.

  “I’m sorry, man. I had no idea she didn’t know.”

  “It’s all right. And it’s my fault. I should’ve told her.” I fell into a seat at the counter and poured rice cereal into a bowl. It tasted like sawdust even after I doused it with milk, but I couldn’t win Sara back if I fainted from malnutrition.

  “So, why didn’t you?” Carlos strolled into the kitchen and headed for the blender for one of his protein shakes. “Graduation is in a month and a half, and you still didn’t give them a hard no.”

  “That’s because I need the offer in play to negotiate. I found a firm in Manhattan with almost the same position available.” I swirled my spoon around in the bowl, forcing myself to swallow with every bite. I knew exactly how she’d react if she knew about Seattle. Before me, no one ever gave her a second thought. She had no friends or family before she came here. She had a hard time believing I wanted to be with her at all, much less relocate myself for her. She still didn’t believe the love between us was real, and that burned most of all.

  “Where the restaurant Sara will be working at is, right?”

  “Yes. Once that offer came through, I would’ve told Sara right away. She’s been so upset lately with graduation so close. I didn’t want to tell her unless I was sure.” If I didn’t get it, I had other feelers out there and a few callbacks. I wouldn’t give up, but I didn’t want to tell her unless I was certain. I was in this whole stupid mess because I wasn’t honest with her, and in my panic over losing her, I said a shit ton of things I didn’t mean. Words like burden, sacrifice, taking on. No wonder she wouldn’t respond. I picked up my phone, taunted by my blank screen.

  Come on, Gorgeous. Text me back.

  “So, you really love her, huh?” Brian came over to where I sat and rested his elbows on the counter. “I mean, I’ve seen you break up with women before—”

  “We didn’t break up,” I grunted as I threw my bowl in the sink. “It’s a fucked-up misunderstanding I could correct if she would just speak to me.”

  “Are you really ready for all of that?” Carlos asked from where he leaned against the counter.

  “Ready for what?” I craned my head as I clutched the edge of the sink. The only conversation I was capable of was snapping at anyone who dared to speak to me. I was an angry, heartbroken, ornery-as-hell mess.

  “Settling down, being someone’s stepdad. I know she stayed here with her kid for a few days, but doing that full-time . . . are you sure you’re ready for that?”

  Did I plan on falling in love with a woman with a child at this point in my life—no, but it happened. Now, being forced to think of having to live without her turned my stomach.

  “Being with Sara isn’t settling. She’s the . . . she’s everything. I can’t see myself with anyone else. Maybe having Victoria here for a few days isn’t the same as being a full-time stepdad, but I’m up for the job. In fact, I want the fucking job. I want them both. And I’ll get them back.”

  I wanted to believe that, but I wasn’t convincing anyone, including myself.

  I parked in the lot by the lab, hoping like hell Sara would be practicing for lab exams tonight. My heart leaped into my throat when my phone finally buzzed in my pocket.

  Victoria: Can you help me pick out a birthday present for Mommy? Dad said he would help but you know her better.

  Pain seized my chest as if I’d been stabbed. Losing Sara would mean losing her, too. My fingers froze over the keys, unsure how to respond.

  Me: Sure. That’s an awesome idea. Let me think and I’ll get back to you, okay, pretty girl?

  Victoria: OK. You’re the best Drew.

  I strode into the lab on shaky legs, quickly settling at the front desk. Pretending to be engrossed in my laptop screen, my eyes darted back and forth to the door. She usually came to the lab around eight and practiced for an hour before a practical exam. The air stilled in my lungs when I found Lisa but expelled out when I realized she was alone.

  “Hey, Drew.” Lisa regarded me with sympathetic eyes as she signed in. “It’s none of my business,” she whispered as she leaned in. “But I hate this for you guys.”

  I nodded and folded my arms. That made two of us.

  “How is she?” I asked, unsure if I wanted to know the answer.

  “Miserable. Doesn’t say much. Sniffles in her sleep but denies it.” Her lips curved in a sad smile. “She’s as quiet as she was when I first met her.”

  It should have made me feel better hearing she was so distraught, but it didn’t. Her own happiness was a non-factor to her. She cut me off because she thought it was best for me without any regard for breaking her own heart. I missed her to the point of physical pain, but I was selfish enough to fight for her. She didn’t have a selfish cell in her body. She only fought for herself when it meant fighting for her daughter. I hated that she was back to the closed off woman I’d first met all those months ago. She needed me; we needed each other. Why was this even happening? I pulled at the roots of my hair in frustration, wanting to tear them from my scalp.

  “She’s not coming, is she?”

  Lisa shook her head, frowning at the sad sack I was. “I’m sorry.”

  “Sara’s at McQuaid’s.” Emma signed in behind Lisa. “She said Aaron would let her have the kitchen to herself to practice tonight.”

  “Aaron?” My blood boiled as I straightened in my chair. Seeing me was too much for her so she went to that slime ball for help? I crushed the pencil I was tapping on the desk so tightly in my hands, it broke in half. “Instead of com
ing here, she’s with that douchebag—after hours—by herself.”

  Emma grimaced before she headed for an empty station.

  “You know nothing is going on, right? She loves you, Drew.”

  I leaned back in the chair, itching to close the lab and speed to McQuaid’s to pull her out of there. But, I couldn’t, could I? I wasn’t her jealous boyfriend. Not anymore.

  “You know that she can handle herself—”

  “I’m fine, Lisa. No need to explain.” I nodded to the back. “Go practice.”

  She opened her mouth to say something but closed it before making her way to a station.

  Sara and I had a soul-searing, once-in-a-lifetime kind of love . . . but only one of us thought it was worth fighting for.

  Sara

  EVERYTHING I DID, every move I made, seemed to be in slow motion. I was trapped in my own tortured version of The Matrix. Drew still texted and called all the time, but although it killed me, I wouldn’t answer. Why make the inevitable even worse?

  After a long two hours of practice at the restaurant, staying later than I intended to on purpose, my broken heart and I headed back to the dorms. Loretta stayed behind, pretending to only be around if I needed help, but putting a much-needed barrier between Aaron and me. If he hit on me tonight, I was afraid I’d punch his lights out in frustration. I didn’t want anyone but Drew, and I had the sinking feeling I never would. After being alone for so many years and never giving the solitude a second thought, now it felt like a death sentence.

  I promised Lisa I’d call her the moment I left the restaurant at ten o’clock or else she’d call to check. She didn’t trust Aaron alone with me, but as luck would have it, I’d only seen him when I arrived and when I left. Maybe he’d gotten the message or was deterred by Loretta’s presence. Either way, I was happy the awkwardness of my internship would soon be coming to a close.

  My phone rang at exactly 10:01; Lisa was nothing if not punctual. She’d been pressing me to open up about Drew, but I couldn’t do it. I’d only be able to pull off stoic if I didn’t mention his name, no matter how many times his face ran through my tortured brain.

  “Hello . . .” I sang after I reached into my bag and grabbed my phone, answering without looking at the screen. “Sorry, I’m fifty seconds late, I’m on my way home n—”

  “Did he touch you?” Drew growled in my ear, an unusual menace in his tone.

  Shit. My eyes squeezed shut at the sound of his voice. He’d been calling and texting nonstop for days and I’d managed to avoid him, until now. He sounded furious, and as devastated as I was, the love I had for him hadn’t changed and probably wouldn’t in my lifetime, but I couldn’t give in. I loved him enough to do what was best, even if he didn’t see it that way.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You won’t speak to me or even come anywhere near me. You go to McQuaid’s, after hours, to be with that fucker who can’t take a hint. Emma slipped and told me where you were, and I’ve been climbing the fucking walls ever since.”

  “Drew, I’ve handled a lot worse than Aaron alone. I don’t need you to take care of me—”

  “But I need you! That’s the part you don’t get. That you never understood. I’m an adult, not a kid that doesn’t know what the fuck he wants, no matter how you blow off how I feel about you because of my age. I want you, Sara. I want Victoria. This job could pay seven figures for all I care, but if it takes me away from you, I don’t want it. What the hell do I have to do to get through to you?”

  I winced as his words grew louder and more desperate.

  “I don’t blame you for what you said. We are a lot to take on, and you don’t need us to—”

  “You don’t have the first fucking clue what I need, Caldwell. If you did, you’d be right here with me and not in that asshole’s kitchen.” My chest pinched as his voice cracked on the last word.

  I sank my teeth into my quivering bottom lip, willing the cascading tears down my cheeks back into my eyes. I missed my best friend. I missed his pure heart and fierce love. He deserved the best in life and should feel free to take it without obligation. It was all raw and fresh, but eventually the wound would heal, and he’d move on. I wouldn’t, but I was tough. I’d survive knowing he was better off.

  “You need to take the offer.” A long, heavy silence washed over us. I was about to hang up when his heavy sigh made me freeze.

  “Sara, please don’t do this.” Pissed off Drew I could handle, but heartbroken Drew gutted me right in half. “I love you . . . more than you’ll ever know. What I have with you, it’s everything to me. You’re everything to me. I’ll come over and we’ll talk this out. I miss you so damn much. I can’t—”

  “No, I can’t. You need to take that offer and you need to go. Goodbye, Drew.”

  I hung up and threw the phone on the passenger seat, crying into my hands until I calmed down enough to start the car. I punched out a text to Lisa and headed back to the dorm, white-knuckling the steering wheel as I fought against the overwhelming urge to drive to Drew’s apartment and take it all back.

  Being the strong one was destroying me.

  “Oh my God!” Lisa yelled as she rushed over to me. I felt like hell, and I supposed I looked like it. I cried the entire drive home. My eyes were irritated and sore, impairing my vision the last couple of miles. If I were honest with myself, I always expected Drew and me to end. It was as if I was working on telling him goodbye before we even said hello. What I didn’t expect was the grief and sorrow over losing him to be this excruciating.

  “Did that jerk do something?” She grabbed my shoulders and shook. I let out a real laugh for the first time in days.

  “I can handle Aaron. He’s harmless, especially now that the internship is almost over.” I sniffled and moped to my bed. “Drew called me. I picked up without looking, thinking it was you checking up on me. I’m guessing that one of you told him I practiced at the restaurant tonight.”

  She pulled me to sit and gave me a slow nod. “Emma slipped. He freaked out that you were going to be alone with Aaron and was angry as to why you couldn’t be in the same room with him.” She swallowed and cringed. “Then, he broke a lead pencil with one hand.”

  My head fell into my hands with a groan. “This is so awful.”

  “I know it,” Lisa agreed. “He’s in bad shape, Sara. And so are you. This is dumb. Why can’t you talk this out?”

  I shrugged, at a loss as to how to answer. “He basically said he was making a sacrifice to be with me and Victoria and didn’t mind settling for something else. If he thinks that now, what about years down the road?”

  “Maybe he put his foot in his mouth a little, but isn’t love about sacrifice? All you had to do to take care of Victoria. Do you regret any of that?”

  My head jerked up. “No, of course not. I wished things were different sometimes, or easier, but I never regret having her. She’s my biggest joy.” I smiled despite my misery. She took to Drew so well and so fast, I dreaded breaking this to her. We’d been texting back and forth over the last few days. I was out of excuses why we couldn’t FaceTime, but I wasn’t ready to face her yet.

  “Exactly! You love her, so you did what you had to do. Did you ever stop to think maybe that’s what Drew meant?”

  “Maybe.” I cupped my forehead and rubbed at my temples. “But it’s too late now. I can’t go back.”

  “Babe, take it from me. He’s miserable without you. You don’t break pencils over just anyone. I doubt it’s too late.”

  A laugh escaped me before I pulled my phone out of my purse. I had twelve missed calls and ten voice mails. My heart fell into my stomach when I read my sister’s number, not Drew’s, on the screen.

  I hadn’t heard from Denise since Christmas. My mother refusing to speak to me wasn’t her fault and I appreciated her trying. She was too young to realize what a lost cause it was. I still wanted to see her, but I was done with any hope I may’ve had to make amends with my parents.


  As I tried to figure out why she was in such an urgent rush to speak to me, the phone buzzed in my hand. A bad feeling washed over me as I hit accept.

  “Denise?”

  “Sara, thank God. I’ve been trying to get through for the past half hour.” Her voice was shrill, filled with panic. My chest pinched, bracing for whatever bad news she had to tell me.

  “I’m here, what’s wrong?” My throat tightened as my hands shook. Was she in trouble? How was I supposed to help her from so far away? Even after all these years, she was still my baby sister and I wouldn’t leave her like my parents deserted me.

  “Mom and Dad . . .” She sobbed into the receiver, the rest of her words were muffled with tears.

  “Denise, you need to stop trying. They don’t want to speak to me—”

  “They were in a car accident, Sara. Mom and Dad are gone.”

  Drew

  THE MEMORY OF Sara tortured me everywhere I turned, but in the kitchen lab it hurt most of all. I waited outside for the students to filter out. This was exam week, and I knew Sara would be in there. The thought of her behind that door make my skin prickle with sweat. I loved watching her cook. The peace and joy on her face when she was in a zone enraptured me and made me fall for her all over again every damn time. I rubbed at the ache in my pathetic chest. If she came over to me and said let’s forget everything and be together, I would have gathered her in my arms without hesitation. That wouldn’t happen, but a guy could dream. I’d give her some space for the moment, but I couldn’t stop fighting for her, or loving her. I didn’t know how.

  I waited until the very last minute to make my way into the room and start my shift, bracing myself for the awkward confrontation when Sara and I were face-to-face. I’d been inside her more times than I could count, yet I didn’t even know if I should say hello. How fucked up was that? I searched the room upon entering but there were no more students—and no Sara. That made no sense. She’d never miss a test, no matter what sick or battered condition she was in. Yes, she was avoiding me, but not at the expense of her degree. Something was wrong.