The Lexal Affair

by neetha Napew

  “I don't think you were trying to injure me -- in fact I believe you were trying to spare me. You probably thought what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me and you could put this Alice incident behind you and no one would be the wiser. Your actions make sense, from an Earth values framework. Things just didn't work out for you.” He kissed the top of her head.

  “No, Nykkyo ...What I did was wrong under any values framework. It'll never happen again, I promise. Please forgive me... please...”

  “I can and I do.” Nyk stroked her back. “It's behind us now, korlyta. Let's consider it a learning experience.”

  “A learning experience?”

  “Why don't we get ready for bed?”

  He lay with his fingers locked behind his head. Suki entered, brushing her hair. She clipped it into a ponytail, slipped off her robe and joined him.

  “Are you feeling better, now?” he asked.

  “No. Nykkyo, I can't believe how you're taking this. When I walked in, I figured you'd be angry. I expected you'd yell at me. I thought maybe you'd leave me. I was even a little afraid you might hit me, although I know you're too gentle for that. I never in my life expected you to react by loving me. If the tables had been turned -- if it had been you, dragging your ass home after some affair, I ... I don't know what I'd do -- but I know for a fact I wouldn't have responded as you did. I can't believe you can just put this behind us. I can't believe we can go on as if nothing happened.”

  “We won't -- something did happen.” He showed her his right palm. Across it was a line -- the scar he received from stopping her suicide. “It's like this -- sometimes our actions leave a scar. But -- we heal, and we go forward. We're strengthened by adversity.” He stroked her arm. “Suki, there's nothing you can say or do that'll change how I love you. Remember that.”

  “Nothing? Not even this?”

  “Not even this. I'm a Floran, after all. Florans have discarded the possessive aspect of love and lovemaking. We think it's all right to love more than one -- more than all right -- a good thing. Tell me -- do you think your feelings for Alice somehow diminished how you felt for me?”

  Suki lay, contemplating. “Of course not,” she finally replied.

  “I have much the same situation with Senta. Even though she and I are dissolving our marriage, I still care for her. I long to have her as a friend. Do you understand?”

  “It's not easy for me.”

  “If I can retain her as my friend -- we may find ourselves making love. It's what friends do on my world. True love isn't selfish -- it's generous. The human heart has an infinite capacity for love. Accepting that notion is liberating. We judge love and commitment by how generous we are. Our society isn't materialistic, so we give each other trust and freedom.”

  “And, forgiveness.”

  “When forgiveness is warranted.” He kissed her forehead. “Jealousy is considered in very poor taste on my world.” He kissed her again. “It's our way. Well -- it's our ideal, at least. We're human, after all -- and humans have faults -- but we try.”

  “I'm trying, too...”

  “Remember this, Suki -- I'm here for you. I've joined myself to you. I'm your best friend and your strongest ally. You need never fear being open with me. Will you remember that?” She nodded. “Good.” He continued to gaze into her eyes. With his finger he traced her cheek, down her neck and shoulder and along her arm. He took her hand and placed it on his chest. “Then, let's do what friends and lovers do.”

  “I don't think I can tonight,” she said. “Do you need it?”

  “Yes, I ... you ... we need it.” He slipped his hand behind her head and drew her lips to his.

  “Is this how Florans make up?”

  “It's how the ones who are serious about their love do.”

  She ran her fingers across his skin. Tears formed in her eyes. “I can't... I can't enjoy myself feeling all this guilt.”

  “I feel hurt. We must go beyond -- to prove our love is stronger than the hurt and the guilt. Don't you think so?”

  “I'd like to believe it is.”

  “Then, korlyta, the time has come for you to learn the Floran way.” He caressed her cheek with the backs of his fingers. “Look into my eyes... deep into my eyes.” He gazed into hers. “Empty your mind of thoughts -- push the guilt aside. Fill your mind instead with your partner. It's giving and trust, Suki. Give one hundred percent of yourself toward pleasing me and trust me to do the same toward you -- the result will be better for both of us. Do you understand?”

  She nodded.

  “Good. Now -- touch me like this...”

  * * *

  Nyk descended the stairs and stepped into the kitchen. Yasuko intercepted him. “How's our little stray this morning?”

  “She's fine.”

  “Did she say where she was?”

  “Yes.”

  “Where?”

  “She was with Alice.”

  “I suspected as much. I'm so sorry. I told you that woman is trouble.”

  “She's over it.”

  “Is she? What about you, Nick? Are you over it?”

  “Yes -- her intentions were good.”

  “So she says.”

  “It was her execution that was flawed -- I'm convinced of it. We had a talk last night.”

  “I heard you two ... talking.” She rolled her eyes. “It seems the nights I think you two are happiest I hear crying, and when you're the most troubled I hear ... what sounds like a pair of newlyweds.”

  “When's your birthday, Yasuko? I think I'll buy you a pair of earplugs.”

  “I don't know how you can be so tolerant. I half expected to see you heading out the door with your bags packed -- and I wouldn't have blamed you one iota.”

  “Yasuko, in my mind the incident is behind us. You would please me if you'd put it behind us, too.”

  Suki entered the kitchen in a denim jumper, her hair wet. She approached her mother and embraced her. “Mom -- I'm so sorry for worrying you.”

  Yasuko hugged her daughter and glanced toward Nyk. “I accept your apology. I'm just happy you're safe. Would you like some breakfast?”

  “I'll get some at the university. I have a backlog of work to catch up on.”

  Nyk gulped the last of his coffee and headed out the door with her.

  He sat with her on the subway. She leaned against him. “Nykkyo -- about last night... Are you getting over the hurt?”

  “Yes -- are you getting over the guilt?” She nodded. “Then -- not another word.”

  The train entered the tunnel under the East River.

  “Nykkyo -- there's a saying that love conquers all. Before last night -- I was too cynical to believe it.”

  Suki stood as the train approached Grand Central. “I'll see you right here tonight,” he said.

  “You can depend on it.”

  5 -- Domains of Responsibility

  Nyk embraced Suki at the international departure lounge at JFK. “This is almost as bad as when you moved to New York,” he said. “It's hard to let you go.”

  “It's only for three weeks.”

  “Are you nervous?”

  “A bit,” she replied. “But, I'm also looking forward to it. This is my real profession. I enjoyed teaching, but my true love is digging in the dirt.”

  “You'll be careful.”

  “Of course I will. I'm a New York girl, remember?” She kissed him. Nyk heard an announcement the flight to Turkey was ready for boarding. Suki whispered in his ear, “Nykkyo, mi z'am. Mi va'terne z'am.”

  He whispered to her, “Mi mikont. Mi anke z'am. Have a good trip, korlyta.” She turned and headed for the security checkpoint.

  * * *

  Nykkyo descended the stairs from the apartment and walked into the kitchen, “Can I help, Yasuko?”

  “Thank you, Nick, but I think everything's under control here.”

  Nyk walked into the living room and surveyed it. He recalled he had first walked into the house a few short months ago as a stra
nger. Now, this was his home, and it felt more like home to him than did the Residence in Sudal.

  He spotted Suki's father sitting at the go board studying patterns of black and white stones. “George, do you fancy a game?”

  George cleared the board of stones. “I offer you black.”

  “I'll take white,” Nyk replied. George smacked the first stone onto the gridded board and Nyk responded with his own. They began to build black and white patterns in an attempt to claim territory, rapidly trading moves.

  “You do play well,” George said. “Playing against you has sharpened my game. I should take you with me to the Queens Go Club.”

  Their game slowed as it progressed. Nyk was absorbed in the patterns of black and white. He became aware George was regarding him. He looked up and into George's eyes. “I'm happy we can have a few moments to talk, Nick. You're normally so occupied with Sukiko. Yasuko and I are pleased you've entered our lives. It's amazing to me one person could make such a difference.”

  “I want nothing more than to be here for Suki when she needs me.”

  “You must've been heaven-sent. You certainly have turned her life around.”

  “I didn't do it. It was Suki's choice -- her accomplishment.”

  “There were times during her teen years I was convinced she'd end up in jail -- or dead. I'm sorry. I shouldn't say such to you.”

  “I know some of Suki's difficulties.”

  George looked at the board. “I do love her, Nick. I know she doesn't always believe that.”

  “I know you do. I can feel it.”

  “For God's sake -- she's my daughter -- my own flesh and blood. How could I not love her?” He placed a stone. “I don't understand why we can't get along -- why I must feel like I'm walking on eggs whenever she's around?”

  “May I be frank, George?”

  “Certainly, Nick -- you're part of the family, now.”

  “It seems to me each of you has carefully built a wall between you, and now you're both sitting on your respective sides, sulking and wishing the wall weren't there.”

  George looked up at him. “That's a fairly perceptive observation.”

  “There is great good in her. From the moment I met her I knew she had a very good sena.” He winced as he realized what he had said.

  “A good what?”

  “Spirit, inner being... Soul if you would.”

  “I never heard it expressed that way... Is that a word from her practice of meditating?”

  “Suki's been teaching me to meditate. I've found it very useful, a good way to groom mental discipline -- and a good tool for contemplating the universe.”

  “It seems so much mumbo-jumbo to me.”

  “You should try it.”

  “I've been curious, but I've never had the opportunity to ask. What is the significance of the tattoo on your right arm?”

  Nyk lifted the sleeve of his polo shirt and looked at the mark, a dime-sized emblem of a black triangle inside a pentagon. It was Senta's crest, signifying the Tibran line. “I had this done when I married. My wife wears a similar mark.”

  “That symbolism has outlived your marriage to her. Once your divorce is final, would you consider having it removed?”

  “No. Our marriage was an important event in both our lives. It helped me survive a difficult time, right after my parents were killed.”

  Nyk placed a stone and bore off two of George's black ones.

  “An excellent move, Nick.” George placed another stone and looked up at Nyk. “Do you work out or engage in sports?”

  “No. I've never been particularly physical.”

  “You look fit. I'd say it looks like you have some strength in those arms.”

  “I've had the benefit of good nutrition. I also do a fair amount of walking -- my office isn't very convenient to the subway.” He resumed contemplating the gridded board.

  “May I ask you a personal question?” George asked.

  “Certainly.”

  “How did you punch through with her?”

  “Punch through? Punch through what?”

  “Her homosexuality. I've wanted for years to do something like what you've done. How did you do it?”

  “I didn't. Suki and I don't love each other as man and woman -- we love each other as soul mates. It's our personas that are in love.”

  “Your senas? Is that the word you used?”

  Nyk smiled. “Yes. We just happen to live in our own respective bodies.”

  “You certainly behave like a normal couple.”

  “We've discovered how to use our bodies to express the love our personas have for each other.”

  “I love my daughter, Nick. But this is one aspect of her personality I struggle with. For her sake, and for the sake of the baby, I've tried to get past it. I had been hoping her relationship with you might have changed her.”

  “She has changed. It took her until fairly recently not to feel crushing guilt over her own nature -- that she's not the embodiment of something evil.”

  “Her nature? You believe this behavior is part of her nature, like the color of her hair?”

  “I don't desire to change her, George -- she'd no longer be Suki. I accept this as part of her makeup.”

  “I disagree with you on that account. I believe we each have a choice, and we can choose to be strong and do the right thing, or we can choose to indulge our whims. I choose not to embezzle funds from my firm, although on a whim, I might be tempted to do so.”

  Nyk placed a stone on a vacant corner of the board. George retaliated with a one on an adjacent point. He glanced up and saw George was still eyeing him. “What about you, Nick?”

  “What about me?”

  “Are you gay?”

  “Exactly what is gay?”

  “You know full well what gay means.”

  “I'm me,” Nyk replied. “I'm myself who's in love with the person who lives inside your daughter's body.”

  “You didn't answer my question.”

  Nyk looked into his eyes. “George, I can appreciate the beauty and the sexuality of a man's body as well as a woman's. Does that make me gay?”

  “It ... it depends on ... on what you practice, I suppose.”

  “I'm not the sort to kiss and tell. So long as it's consensual, and so long as nobody's being hurt, I don't think what two adults do while they're by themselves is anyone else's business.”

  “With that attitude, you two certainly are meant for each other.”

  Nyk placed another stone. “Do you think I'm gay?” he asked George.

  “I feared you might be. Not that it makes a big difference. You've demonstrated a care for her beyond what anyone else has ever offered.”

  “What made you think I might be gay?”

  “There's a... I don't know how to express it. There's a softness to you I haven't experienced before -- you're not like any man I've known. You have some physical characteristics, a ... smoothness... Sukiko's been attracted to some mannish women, I thought perhaps she responds to an effeminate... That a gay woman might be attracted to a gay... I'm sorry, Nick. You're so good for her, and here I am, looking a gift horse in the mouth.”

  “It's all right -- please don't feel you've insulted my manhood, George. I'm comfortable with who I am. I know I'm a freak of nature.”

  “How so?”

  “I'm a victim of a congenital disorder known as atypical female syndrome. Genetically, I'm a woman, but physically, I'm a man. It may explain some of those characteristics.”

  “I've never heard of it.”

  “It's quite rare. It's the reason I'm sterile. That's the one thing about myself I'd change if I could. I long to know I could father her child ... I do have a man's features, George. I am male, and everything works as it should, except my seed can't make a woman pregnant.” Nyk placed another stone on the board. “What about you, George? Are you gay?”

  Nyk could see darkness spread across George's brow. “No! I've never had such an experience.
” George glared at him. “I have always done what's right. I've never permitted myself to be tempted from the correct path. This pertains to every aspect of my life -- my career, my marriage and my family.”

  “I'm sorry, George. I had no intention of upsetting you.”

  George eyed him for a long moment. “You're forgiven, Nick.” He placed another stone. “Turnabout's fair play, I suppose.”

  Nyk detected an increase in the aggressiveness of George's strategy. He looked at the clock, “It's getting late. Shall we tally?”

  “Fine, Nick.” They scored the board and agreed George had a slight lead. “Thanks for a challenging game.”

  “My pleasure,” Nyk replied and extended his hand. George hesitated, then grasped it. Nyk looked into his eyes. “I love Suki. I love all of you. I never had much of a relationship with my own father, and both my parents have been dead for nearly eight years. Yasuko and you are my mom and dad, now.” He opened his arms.

  George patted his back, “Yes, Nick, we're happy to have you as a member of our family. Good night.”

  * * *

  Nyk sat at the kitchen table sipping a cup of coffee. “Well, how do you like being a bachelor again?” Suki's mother asked.

  “I don't like it very well. Suki's been gone two days and I can't wait 'til she's back.” Yasuko pulled a chair next to his and patted his hand. “Use the next few weeks to catch up on your sleep, Yasuko. The bedroom above yours should be quiet.”

  “The sound of your lovemaking is music to my ears, Nick. I know she's here, I know she's safe, and I know she's happy. It's become a lullaby for me. I'll admit I was skeptical when I first learned she had invited you to move in. You've been so good for her -- I've never seen her so happy. I do wish she hadn't gone to Turkey, though. I worry for her... as you know.”

  “She'll be fine. She's not made of glass. Suki has a strong respect for the cultures of others. I'm sure the Turks will love her -- and Vlad speaks some of the language. It's out of our control, anyway. This is something she needed to do. I imagine there'll be more trips to the Middle East in the upcoming years. Maybe we'll all have the chance to accompany her. Wouldn't that be fascinating?”