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TRANSLATED BY: + DaRkGiRl + CORRECTED BY: cYeLy DiviNNa
stoy alone with Ryan, and I’m playing her bedspread with a quick hand and let her go, trying not to notice your stuff. Or him.
It’s hard because he still is sitting beside me in silence but there, and is so quiet now. It is so quiet I can hear it, and he is not moving. I do not I’m moving, we are just sitting. It is so peaceful, so quiet …. Is a kind of silence, I know. It’s one that we have shared before, if either of them moves, something happened. - Almost ready! “Brianna” he shouts, his voice weak but cheerful, and I move nervously, feeling guilty and trapped, wanting to be here, but wanted to be away, at home, well, safe from the thoughts that go through my head … Ryan is here sitting next to me, thinking of me, did want to talk? Will you watch me? “Wanting to be sure of myself. I should go, and that’s exactly what I say. “I should go, Brianna and you must want to be alone …” No, “Ryan says and puts his hand on my arm. Her fingers are warm, trembling slightly, I see, sorry. I mean, you … I want to talk about on Friday, he lowers his voice. Try to call on Sunday, but hung up because … this … I do not … I was not my intention for this to happen. First thought: He remembers the kiss! He has thought of that, he is thinking about it! He called me! Second thought: He did not say “Kiss ? or ?, when we kiss he did not say exactly what had happened, what we did, and I know that does not mean anything good. -On Friday ? ? was not my intention is … well that sounds like an error ?-again, hung up when called.
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Two thoughts crossed my mind, a dizzying rise and then fall slowly bumping. I wish it had only been the rise. “Do not say anything to Brianna,” I say, and I know I should look and smile to show I’m fine, everything is fine, but I can not, not yet, just say what I need and I’ll go. Nor am I going to say. I know it was not … like you said, it was not your intention. “But I… I do not mean it was not my intention, “he says, passing a hand through his hair. I mean, I did not mean to kiss you but I do not regret what happened. Should know, but … He is quiet and I look, I can not look at it. “No sorry, the whispers, not as it should. I just … Sarah. He wanted it, wanted the kiss. He wanted to kiss me. There is a small blush on his face, covering his cheeks and forehead, he looks nervous, but then I look a bit and we’re watching. We are watching and only us, only he and I and … - Okay, come down! And Brianna. Brianna making dinner and waiting for us, Brianna, who wants to be with Ryan who made me go with her because she is worried and feels Blame, not as a wave, not a soft rush, but strong and fast, a wall is closed hit me. I’m here with her boyfriend, talking about a kiss that would destroy it. “I …” I say and he also said, at the same time, two overlapping echoes, and I can see his face change as it does mine, I know we’re both remembering where we are. Who turn around. But the thing is, and it’s horrible I know, that’s not enough. All that was and still is not enough to make me stop thinking about Ryan. It is not enough to keep me in mind of Brianna Ryan, as the boyfriend of my best friend.
He recalls, I remember, both at the same time we are preparing, preparing, and I wonder if everything he’s humming, waiting like me. And then here we are, standing by the door, and no
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we go through this together but we have to do it because Brianna is waiting downstairs. Giro when he does too, and now we’re face to face, and I did not dump me so he can go first, I hope he will turn towards me, making, and now there is no air in the room, no air Worldwide, there is only the pulse of my heart beating fast in my chest, quietly pounding in my ears, and he says: “Sarah-very smooth. He says my name and I looked at it. The watches me like the only person in the room, the only person, and shake my head because this can not be, can not, and still is. He’s going to happen. And I want to happen. I close the space between us. Do not close my eyes. I see his face coming closer and I want it. When you kiss me, everything stops. I do not know how long it takes, I do not know if the universe goes through us, if she slips and dies and is reborn again, because all that matters is your mouth on mine, my mouth on yours. The feel of him pressed against me, shoulders, chest, legs and is too but not enough. I crawl up inside what is happening. I mark in my brain to never forget. I’m on my toes to reach it, and then he pulls me closer, wrapping his hands. Standing up, and he is holding. His mouth on mine. He tastes like toothpaste, and skin at the base of your neck is warm and soft and he breathes faster pressed me against him. The touch of his mouth, his body and we are pushing closer. Will I push on it?, “My heart will beat with yours? “Hey, guys, Brianna come and yell, your voice close on the stairs, and silence, our silence is broken. I hear their footsteps and our breathing. I feel my back pressed against the door frame, I feel your hands on me, one holding my waist, the other bent on my hip. Breathe Your forehead touching mine, I have a view of her lips.
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Another kiss, we have another kiss, and I want more, much more. I’m so confused, so … I can not follow. I push and I take my books. Brianna comes and says: - Sara? -Holding a bowl of mouth passes into their hands, all the different types of concern have emerged as she says that. I did, I kissed her boyfriend. I wish your boyfriend, I forget about it, I forget everything. I shake my head and say, “Really … I have to go, and under the stairs, outside, I feel a weight on my shoulders when she calls me and then screams. Yes, I’m fine, I promise. I see it in the door when I walk down the avenue. His hands are in his pockets, his eyes can not see. She is still holding the mouth and starts going to turn around when I drive away. And I look blindly on the road, trying to see it. There are millions of rules to be a girl. There are millions of things that have to do to get through each day. The school has things that can make you fall, ruin, people smiling, saying, meaning other things and you have to know all the rules. You have to know what can and can not do. And one of these is: Do not kiss your boyfriend’s best friend. You do not do it once and certainly not do both. Do not do it because being best friends goes beyond the school is a quick step to know what and because it is stronger than that I’ve known forever Brianna, she chose me to be your friend. And I’ve always been there for her. I’ve always been a good friend, and I’m not a bad person, really, I’m not. Except that I am. Kiss your boyfriend and then turned to kiss. We split when we heard his voice, but how about if we had not done? What if she had not been there? I’m broken, I created a gap. I can see my heart and not what I thought was not good and kind and all the things I always thought it was. At home. I go and see mom and dad on the couch. The observer spoke. I can not hear them, but I see them pointing the phone. I see their mouths gesture - Sarah? “Their faces full of concern
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Road to the phone, my heart beating so hard that I feel sick. “Hey” Brianna says, his voice in my ear. Just wanted to make sure you’re okay before you go, Ryan wanted to follow you home and make sure you were okay but I would call because he did not need to prove that the super-boyfriend. I mean it already, and you’re fine right? “Yes, I’m fine, I say, just fine, I’m well, kiss your boyfriend, sorry Brianna. Sorry, “he added, and she laughs and says. Yeah, okay, whatever, silly, she does not know what I mean. She says, “I’m ? and then hangs up, silence, and I mean that-sorry ? the kiss, I also feel that Ryan did not follow me. And I feel that there was no … no … more between us. In what may have. This skid is the unwritten rule: Do not covet what you can not have, and I have not only broken that rule, I destroyed, I have crushed and yet … Still want to …
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TRANSLATED BY: Sheilita Belikov CORRECTED BY: cYeLy DiviNNa
ubo to my room, stunned, and I sit on my bed. Pressed the tips of my fingers over my eyes closed, as if he could remove what I see. Away what happened. I’ll never sleep. Try anyway, I prepare for bed, I put on pajamas, brush my teeth. I am in bed with the lights on, staring at nothing. I lie down and close my eyes. Immediately open it again because, of course, Ryan is who I see. Finally I give up trying to sleep. I sit up and turn on the light beside my bed, then flip through the magazines that I have piled on the floor. I never read the articles because they are always the same: Believe in yourself! Also, Here’s how to have better skin and lose weight!, But sometimes the photos give me ideas of tennis. And now I need an idea. A distraction. The magazine I pick up is a thick, filled with photos of what is new, except they call “recent”, and I cover all the high heels on a photo of a jumping model. For her choose a pair of old canvas tennis shoe shaped like the kind that basketball players tend to use, and change the strings in another way, put a bow on top, and would fill with pieces of cloth worn with buttons used attached to almost cover the gap, leaving only enough room for a pair of socks (striped, I think) that you see through them.
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I like the idea of the button, and the arc at the bottom of the shoe, but I can not do anything with it, can not see. I’ve been doing this, pretending to be myself, to be normal, but every time my mind has me spitting image, repeating over and over again to Ryan tonight, an endless cycle that has me sitting here bother me. Amaze. Recalling that we kissed. I’m gonna push it all away in a moment, I just want one last time. And then I remember seeing Ryan kissing Brianna at this event, at the end of summer, my mind screaming in rage injury although he had no reason to be angry. Ryan was not mine, and he clearly wanted to be hers. He is yours. I push the magazine out of bed and try to dispel the idea that appears just behind it. This: Maybe he could be yours. She is making out with another, after all. Why should not he kiss you? I wish I had said no when he asked me tonight to go with her. I do not tell Brianna that very often, but if it had, would not be awake at this time to have a silent debate with myself about just how wrong is kissing Ryan, with: Very Wrong! presenting their cause: But remember how you felt! submitted at the same time point. Grab a pair of shoes with no-frills, simple white canvas, and watch them, trying to decide what to do with them. Tracing a finger on them, trying to figure out a design. I plotter cubes. Cubes, as Ryan has seen me draw, as we talked about in the night … Okay, high. I’m not thinking about it, I will not. Start simple. What color should it be? Blank. I can not see a color, I can not see anything except this night, the kiss, and I can not see him.
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I do not want to. I wish someone would come and tell me what to do, tell me how to make everything work, but there is nothing, only night and silence and my own tangled thoughts.
TRANSLATED BY: cYeLy DiviNNa CORRECTED BY: Tibari
The next morning, Ryan shows up at my house. He tells my parents that we’re lab partners and ended up in my living room next to each other, so quietly, in a quiet tension, and then we kiss and he says he can not live without me, you have to be me, and Brianna already know, spoke with her yesterday evening and she is happy for us because he wants us to be very happy because I’m his best friend y… Oh, forget it. What really happens is that I’m eating oatmeal and ready for school. Ryan does not appear, and even if it had, I could not even think of a stupid way my fantasy to have a happy ending. Brianna comes to look, and says, “Ryan was so sweet to me last night while we go to school. He walked me to my car and said he loved me, we’re the perfect couple, so if you analyze it correctly, you will realize that it is true, I’m so happy, I could not wait to tell you … “at that moment my brain blocked I did not want to continue listening, I could not hear her say all those things about her and Ryan, as I felt my heart crumble into a thousand pieces, is worth not a thousand, ten thousand-all my dreams, my fantasy was stupid to fret in minutes .
Brianna continued talking all the way while I was still immersed in my thoughts, what I really meant so little to Ryan? Was it just your hobby? A distraction? Brianna And his true love?,
A
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These thoughts haunted me and what is worse, I allowed to torment me. Without realizing it, I returned to the conversation with Brianna, to hear about Greg. By God, how could she have time to talk and think about someone else, having a guy like Ryan at his side? If I were you, if I were Brianna ever, I feel tempted to choose between two guys for smart, attractive or whatever they were, Ryan was perfect, what more could you want? But again, I had to set foot on on-ground. I was not was in place … I was not Brianna and of course … I had no Ryan … Great, Sarah, just great When you understand that Ryan and Brianna are together, you do not get into that equation? Yes, I know, is the question that I have done every day since Brianna and Ryan began dating. Achievement clear my mind of Ryan-Brianna-I-Ryan … to return to this, the conversation with Brianna. And she is talking about me and Greg, about a kiss on … us … together … I was paralyzed, but there is no anger in his voice, no knowledge, just kidding, and I shake my head. -No. no, there is nothing in the kiss, Greg still likes you. “No, no,” says Brianna. But we are again. So who cares. I shrug my shoulders and focus his eyes on his neck. She should see where I’m looking for places his hand there and then walks away quickly. “You know what happened to Greg did not mean anything, right? Were only a couple of times. “Yes,” I say, because I know. I understand what is a very well now, and I have only to wait through today and the next time … I close my eyes, I strongly. For something, anything that takes me away from this. This is what I get: When I leave the class period, Ryan is there, walking down my class when I know that this is not what is supposed to happen. I see him and he smiles, not as usual, but with a tight curve, hesitant in his mouth, a smile that does not extend to the eyes, are looking around me. But it’s not a big smile.
“Listen,” he says, dropping next to me, following me over, and I know Ryan. There is a new and mysterious kind I can not read. Ryan and Ryan is not talking as if I had a terrible loss. It also does not appear before you without
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no reason, and the last time you see me smiling as if he had to spend a day after he and Brianna had spoken by telephone at home. The day after the call, and the night after bowling, she and I got to school and he was there. We walked towards him and has that strange smile on his face tense, as if uncertain what to do or say and I thought, just for a second, how could talk to him when Brianna turned, walked up to him and said “Hey, you, so I turned instead. “I … Can we talk a second? “She says slowly. Walk more slowly, we get into a corner of space, people spend around us, but all I can see is him. Last night, you and me … what happened is … see, Brianna is sweet, and Sarah, really … - Sorry? “I say, and I know that the words come out oddly, fast, and will not have to hear him say them more. Not because I do not want to but because I do, and only … He likes it enough to give me a kiss. I know. Even I think I might like more than that, I think it could be just a kiss and that’s it. But as he said, Brianna is sweet. Brianna is also my best friend and do not want to hurt him. Do not want to be that girl, breaking the unwritten rule. At least, no more than what I’ve already broken. So I say, “Hey, look … do not worry about that. Is forgotten. - Forgotten? - Shazam! “I say stupid … so stupidly, but I want to go far to know what to do, does not mean it hurts … He blinks. Look at him. Like magic, you know? “I say. Anyway, it’s gone, just like … “And please, oh, do not let me talk, do not tell me just to say” Shazam! ” Like when I was six
or like an idiot, or both, but I have said, is out there. I’ve said, is gone. It’s all forgotten. I guess I’ve done what I have to do.
“I have to get to class,” I say, and put my head down the hall, probably too fast, and walk more slowly. Way as if you were right. And I’m, sort of. This was right and I will not mourn. My
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eyes are burning, I’m blinking hard because I’m thinking, not because I’m stupid and I’m sad. After school, I think it is Greg who is surprised to see me, but he’s happy standing beside the car of Brianna and slide an arm around me as I go, just in time for Brianna to see us. - What’s with you two? She says, and Greg replied, “Do not you know-like arm waving fingers wrapped around my shoulders, Brianna laughs and says: You go, Sarah?, I have to get out of here, okay? Greg, goodbye. GOODBYE. I walk away and Greg yells, “What, no kiss? -She, to me … What? … and then we are in Brianna’s car and she says, “Were you bothering? “No,” I say, do not bother me at all. “Well, fine. Are you sure, why do you think? Because he had his arm around you and stuff. “I do not mean anything. “I know,” he says. I mean, I could perhaps, but not yet, and I do not want to get your hopes up and stuff, you know? I do not want to hurt you. “Do not worry,” I say, looking at my hands clenched tightly in my lap. The forced to escape, to relax to force. It can not hurt me.
SCOTT ELIZABETH THE UNWRITTEN RULE
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The Unwritten Rule Page 8