Only the Positive (Only You Book 1)

by Elle Thorpe

  My fingers curled into a fist and I thumped the door behind me. I couldn’t do that. So instead I stared down at the papers in my hands, leafing through them for so long the words blurred together again.

  I couldn’t stay here. It wouldn’t do either of us any good to be this close to each other. I couldn’t go back to working with her, day in and day out. It wouldn’t work. Not for me and not for her.

  On unsteady but determined feet, I made my way to my bedroom and pulled a suitcase out from under the bed. My stomach lurched at the movement, but my determination was stronger.

  I leant on the wardrobe door for a long moment, willing myself to stay conscious, but the bed called me. God, it would be so much easier to just go lie down and pass out. But if I didn’t leave now, would I have the same resolve in the morning?

  I got the wardrobe door open just enough to pull a backpack down from the top shelf and cursed as an old baseball mitt, a belt, and a pile of old tax returns came crashing down around me.

  Propping the bags open on my bed, I threw socks and underwear into them. Next went a pile of T-shirts and shorts, and I shoved a few jumpers on top, not knowing how long I’d be gone.

  That would have to do. I’d just leave the rest. I wouldn’t need it.

  I shouldered my backpack and dragged my suitcase back to the lounge room. I stared at the glossy sheets of paper Reese had left me before grabbing them off the table and stuffing them into the side of my case. I eyed my phone as I added my wallet and spare keys to a pocket of the backpack, grabbing it at the last second. I should leave it, so I wouldn’t give in to the urge to call her. But I wasn’t that strong. I vowed to turn it off instead and let the battery die. That way there’d be plenty of time to talk myself out of any late-night phone calls while it charged up.

  I leant on the door for a minute, surveying my comfortable apartment before I let another wave of determination carry me through the doorway. The door closed behind me with a solid thunk, the locks sliding into place automatically. And for the first time in twenty-four hours, I felt the air in my lungs. I felt like I could breathe. With a plan in mind, I could breathe again.

  30

  Reese - Two months later

  “Can we go back to Lotti Boutique? I think I need that belt we saw there earlier.” Bianca bounced on the balls of her feet, chirping like a happy little bird as we waited for the escalator to deliver us to the third floor of the shopping complex. Bianca’s enthusiasm for shopping knew no bounds, and I enjoyed her overly positive presence. “And you need to buy that dress you tried on.”

  I shrugged. “Maybe. I’m still tossing up between that one and the green one at Lisette’s.”

  “Both are hot. Wear the black one tonight when we go out and we’ll dance and drink and find you a man.” She wriggled her eyebrows at me suggestively, but her face fell when her gaze met mine, and concern furrowed her forehead.

  I laughed, hoping it didn’t sound as forced as it felt. “It’s fine, B. I’m over it.” My tongue felt thick as I forced out the lie. I was still as in love with him as the day I’d written it on a Post-it note and pushed it under his door. Feelings like that didn’t just go away.

  “Are you, though?” she asked quietly.

  “Of course!” I said, trying to sound breezy and carefree. I’d been trying to put on a brave face in front of my friends for months. I didn’t want to be a downer, and pretending to be okay even when I wasn’t helped keep me going. I’d lived with the pain of losing my family for over a year, and now I felt Low’s absence just as keenly. I couldn’t let myself think about any of it too much or it would consume me whole.

  Bianca narrowed her eyes and I wished the damn escalator would hurry up so I could get out from under her eagle eye gaze.

  “You never talk about him or what happened. It would eat me alive if I were you. Wondering where he is and why he left.”

  I shrugged. “It’s no big deal. I’ve told you this before. We weren’t even officially together.”

  “Yeah, and I already called bullshit on that. You might not have been calling him your boyfriend, but that was only a matter of time. For him to just up and leave without a word...” She shook her head.

  “He left a message at work, letting us know he wasn’t coming back, so it wasn’t exactly without a word.” Except it was. It was without a word to me.

  “Oh, come on. He left without saying goodbye to any of us. I’m still annoyed about it and I wasn’t the one sleeping with him.”

  “I wasn’t sleeping with him.” At least that part of the story was true.

  Bianca waved her hand around the air dismissively. “Details, details, whatever. You two were totally digging on each other.”

  I sighed as we finally stepped off the elevator and headed towards the boutique we’d already spent an hour in that morning. “Can we please drop it? I don’t want to do this again.”

  She reached out and squeezed my arm. “Yeah, of course, I’m sorry. The whole situation just pisses me off. The way he…Reese?” Bianca’s blond head flipped back to where I’d stopped in the middle of the Saturday afternoon crowd.

  My hands clutched at my stomach, the sudden ache within as surprising as the abrupt stabbing pain in my heart. Bianca rushed back to my side as a guy behind me mumbled something under his breath and detoured around us. “Reese! What’s wrong? Are you sick?”

  I tried to form words, but I couldn’t speak, couldn’t move. My vision narrowed and focused on a family across the walkway. The woman wore a long, flowered dress that brushed her ankles and a pair of brown leather sandals. A man with dark denim jeans, a flannel shirt, and a Stetson perched on his head. But the cause of the sudden pain inside me was the dark-haired girl looking up at the man from her wheelchair. He smiled fondly at whatever she had said and ruffled her hair. The woman said something before pointing to a sign, and the three of them headed to the food court.

  They were out of sight before my feet unfroze and moved me in the same direction. Bianca asked me something, but I didn’t answer, her voice just a drone in the background. I picked up the pace, breaking into a jog before I lost the family in the crowd. My family.

  My heart thumped and a tiny cry escaped my lips. Was it really them? Why would they be here in Sydney? Our property was a twelve-hour drive from here, and my father hated the city. I could count on one hand how many times he’d brought me here as a kid. I slowed as I entered the food court and watched them find a table.

  A sudden pain bloomed in my arm and I snapped my head to see Bianca pinching me hard.

  “Ow! What was that for?”

  “Oh, hallelujah! You’re back! You were off in fairy land and I had no idea where you were taking me. I thought I was going to have to call a medic for a moment there.”

  I shook my head. “Sorry, I just…”

  Bianca followed my line of sight to my family sitting around the table. My mum and sister had their heads close together, discussing something. Maybe the menu of the burger place? I edged closer, as if taking two steps farther would allow me to hear their conversation above the din of the food hall.

  Bianca went quiet for a minute. Her voice was quiet when she spoke again. “Reese, that little girl in the wheelchair could be your twin. Is she…?”

  I nodded. “My sister. With my parents.”

  Gemma was eleven now, I realised. Her birthday was in October. I’d been too scared to call her. Too scared to hear them say Gemma was still in a wheelchair. I’d nurtured the glimmer of hope until I’d almost convinced myself that Gemma’s injuries were non-existent. I’d planned to show up there at Christmas with a new horse and everything would go back to normal. But the truth was right here in front of me. Even though I’d tried to hide from it, it had found me anyway. There was no denying the serious nature of Gemma’s injuries when they were staring me in the face.

  “Are you going over?” Bianca asked.

  I shook my head. “I can’t.” The words were heavy in my throat like lead.

/>   “Why not?”

  “We don’t talk. We’re…estranged.”

  Bianca nodded. “But you look like you really want to go over there…”

  I glanced over at her, silently pleading for her to understand without explanation. “I can’t, B. They hate me,” I whispered.

  Bianca rubbed a soothing hand in circles on my back while I tried to blink back tears.

  “I’m sure that’s not true.”

  “I put Gemma in that chair, B, and I thought by now things might be different. My dad…he…I just can’t. I don’t want to make a scene.”

  With one last glance at my little sister, I dragged Bianca away. She followed me reluctantly, shooting me concerned glances every few steps. “Okay, well, if you’re sure.”

  I didn’t answer as I tried to control the vicious trembling in my hands. I tucked them into the pockets of my cut-off shorts before Bianca noticed. “I’m sure. Can we just go, please?”

  Bianca gave up her search for the perfect dress immediately and led me out to the car park where we’d left her little red Suzuki. She slid behind the steering wheel as I slumped into the passenger side, dropping my chin to my chest and letting my hair form a protective wall around me.

  Gemma was still in the chair. The knowledge hit me like a sledgehammer over and over, again and again, taking chunks out of the hope I’d been secretly harbouring for months. What a fool I’d been to even think she might just magically get up and walk again. Had I really thought she’d have some physical therapy and then walk and run around like other kids her age? A tear dripped from my eye and landed on my jeans. It had been over a year. If Gemma was still in that chair after a year, then she wasn’t getting better.

  “She looked happy,” Bianca said, breaking the silence.

  “Who?” I looked at her blankly.

  “Your sister. She was smiling and laughing. She looked happy.”

  “She’s in a wheelchair because of my stupidity. I ruined her whole damn life.”

  “She didn’t look as though her life was ruined. She looked like a happy kid on a shopping trip with her family.”

  She didn’t get it. She hadn’t been there when my father had kicked me out of the hospital and told everyone within shouting distance that I’d ruined our family. She hadn’t seen the venom in his eyes or heard the rage in his voice. She hadn’t seen my mother’s tears as she stood silently behind him. Bianca hadn’t felt the way my soul had torn in two at the sight of my little sister crumpled on the ground, a mess of arms and legs, or the way her tiny body had been rushed through the corridors on her way to surgery.

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  Bianca shook her head. “It seems there are a lot of things you don’t want to talk about.”

  31

  Low

  Plastic chairs formed a circle in the middle of the room, and the sunlight streaming through the large windows bounced off the pale yellow walls. Large ceramic pots sat in the corners of the room, their green plants fake, but effective in brightening the space. When I’d first come here, it had felt like an institution, but things had changed. Now the circle felt like a safe place, and the people I’d met here had become family. I sat down next to Will, who had his long, jean-covered legs spread in front of him. He offered me a lazy smile and raised his fist in greeting.

  “Hey, mate.”

  I bumped my fist against his. God, he was a baby. His freckled face and red hair made him look even younger than his nineteen years.

  “What’s doing?”

  People trickled into the room and took their seats. Most were young males, but there were two women, plus Frank, who had to be nearing fifty. Not that you’d know it with the way he acted. He pulled more pranks than any of the young guys did.

  I was always early to things, so I knew we still had a few minutes to kill before whoever was leading the group today would begin. “Nothin’. You?”

  “Just enjoying the view.” He grinned and I laughed, following his gaze to a dark-haired guy across the room.

  “You still hoping Tim will dump his boyfriend for you?”

  “Nah, that’d be a dog act, to hook up with someone else’s partner in here. But that don’t mean I can’t take in the sights while I still can. Only a few days left, then we’re out.”

  I nodded, shifting in my seat, trying to get comfortable.

  “You looking forward to going home?” he asked, diverting his attention back to Tim. Tim continued to scroll through his phone on the other side of the circle, unaware of Will’s infatuation.

  “Yeah, I really am. I appreciate everything I’ve learnt and all, but I left my life in pieces. Who knows what I’m going home to, but I’ve got to go sort it out. I’ve done all I can here.”

  He nodded, finally giving me his full attention. “You’re a different guy from when you came in here, you know. Remember how that first week or two you wouldn’t speak to no one and wouldn’t even look at us in group times? I bet you didn’t even hear a word for the first month.”

  “I might have been in denial for a while.” I chuckled.

  “A while? You took that shit to extremes, brother. You were the absolute worst out of all of us. Doc kept tryin’ to tell you that this thing wasn’t a life sentence, but you were hell-bent on beating yourself up over it. Pessimistic son of a bitch.”

  I punched him in the arm. “Fuck off. I wasn’t that bad.”

  He gave me a look that clearly said I had been. “It’s all right. We all knew you’d only just gotten your diagnosis. We were all in the same boat.”

  The night I’d left my apartment, I’d stumbled into the nearest taxi and given the driver the brochure I’d grabbed off the coffee table. It was one of the papers Reese had shoved under my door, along with the Post-it note, laying her heart on the line. The HIV Association of Australia ran a live-in clinic for newly diagnosed patients. You could stay for as long as you needed to, and they taught you how to manage your HIV and offered counselling and support. I was still drunk when the driver had pulled up in front of the big white, hospital-looking building and I was shocked when they’d even agreed to give me a room. Shocked, but so bloody grateful. If they hadn’t let my drunk ass in, I probably would have turned around and gone home and never looked back. In hindsight, it was only liquid courage that got me that far. But once I was in, I’d known I’d done the right thing. Well, at least I had once I’d recovered from the world’s worst hangover.

  “It’s been weird, hasn’t it? Good weird, though.”

  Will nodded. “Yeah, but I’m keen to start living again. Being in here is like being in limbo. I miss my friends. I miss going out.”

  “You miss hooking up.” I laughed.

  Will blew out a long breath. “You know it.”

  “So no settling down in your near future then?”

  He shook his head. “No way. I’ll be responsible, of course. I’ll take my meds and I’ll have ‘the conversation’ before things get heated, but I’m not about to turn into some nun.” He eyed me shrewdly. “And you’re going home to your Mrs. Right?”

  “I hope so, though I doubt she’ll even speak to me.”

  Will grinned. “Then you get down on your hands and knees, confess to being a dickhead, and beg for her forgiveness.”

  “That easy, huh?”

  “It could be. You won’t know until you try.”

  “It’s a lot for someone to take on. And she’s already gone through a lot of shit. I don’t want to add to that.”

  Will’s ginger eyebrows pulled together in the middle. “Maybe you should let her be the one to decide whether you’re a burden or not? You’re way too pretty to be sitting at home alone on Saturday nights for the rest of your life, Low. And you know we’ve learnt that’s likely to be a really long time. Ain’t neither of us about to die from AIDS at thirty no more.”

  He was right of course. Not so much about me being pretty, but about letting Reese decide for herself. I was past all the self-loathing I’d
been carrying around. I’d done a lot of work on myself while I’d been here—therapy groups, meditation, even some yoga, though that had been a bit of a disaster at first. I’d felt like a dickhead and had spent an entire class paranoid one of my balls would pop out the leg of my shorts. I’d realised quickly that running shorts were not suitable yoga attire and was better prepared for my second class.

  I’d run hundreds of kilometres, using the time to search my soul and pushing my body until I found that state of bliss where my mind felt clear again. The counsellor I’d been assigned to had helped me realise I pushed people away, to avoid them leaving me. He’d explained it was a way of keeping control, after a lifetime of abandonment. My father when I was a baby. My mother. School friends who’d turned their backs on me when they’d found out how we lived.

  And I’d talked about Reese. I’d talked about her so much Will had actually banned me from saying her name for an entire twenty-four hours once. But she was one of the few who’d never left me, and who I could trust when they said they loved me. She’d stood by me, time after time. No matter how hard I’d tried to push her away, she’d pulled me right back. And if she gave me another chance, I’d be damned if I’d ever let her go again.

  I nudged Will with my shoulder. “You’re pretty smart, you know that?”

  “Handsome too, right?”

  “You’re definitely not modest, that’s for sure.”

  He shoved me with the palm of his hand as the door opened. The nurse who ran the clinic came in and sat down, crossing her legs at her ankles.

  “All right, you lot. Who’s got something they want to talk about today?” She looked around the circle, meeting the gaze of each patient.