What He Craves

by E. M. Denning

  The girl shrugged. “I guess not. Saw him slip out one night. Shoved his car full of stuff. The next day the landlord came here and cleaned his unit. She wasn’t too happy about having to evict Matt, he was a nice guy, real quiet, but if you can’t pay rent, you gotta go. There’s a new guy there now, but he’s not home much. Good thing too, he’s not as quiet as Matt was.”

  “Thanks.” Steve furrowed his brow and tried not to think about the ache in his stomach. “How did you know I was looking for Matt?”

  The girl shrugged a shoulder. “There’s no way you know the guy who lives there now.” The girl shuddered. “Anyway, if you see Matt, tell him I said hi.”

  Steve climbed back into his car. His fist clenched around Matt’s jacket. Something didn’t add up. Matt quit his job but told Steve he had something else lined up, so why had a grocery store across town asked about him? He’d been evicted and had shoved all his stuff into his car. Had something happened to the job that Matt was supposed to have? Steve slammed his fist into the steering wheel, then threw Matt’s jacket into the passenger seat.

  Five minutes later he sat in his office back at the club. It took him two minutes to get Matt’s phone number and two more to get up the courage to call.

  The number you have reached is no longer in service.

  Steve wanted to throw his phone. He wanted to break something. Mostly he wanted to find Matt. Something wasn’t right. Steve could feel it in his bones. Matt had always been a sweet guy, but he had been too hard on himself. When he first started working at the restaurant, every second comment out of his mouth had been a self-deprecating remark. It had taken Steve months to get Matt to stop being so hard on himself. After two years Matt had transformed almost completely. Much more confident, Matt rarely talked down about himself, at least he didn’t where Steve could hear him.

  Steve leaned back in his chair. He covered his face with his hands, then raked them over his bald head. Peach fuzz tickled at his fingers. He’d have to shave again soon. If it had been long enough to grip, he might have pulled on it. Ever since opening night, he hadn’t been able to get Matt out of his head. If he was being honest with himself, he’d have admitted that he’d had his eye on Matt for far longer than that. But seeing him in the club in those sinfully small shorts and the body glitter that Steve should have hated, but didn’t, put ideas in his head, ideas that had no business being there, because Matt was an employee.

  Was.

  Matt quit. Steve’s stomach rioted, and panic flared. Matt had no job. No phone. He left his apartment. Where had he been staying? Steve clenched his fists and barely restrained the urge to smash them into the top of his desk.

  It wasn’t until a month later that fortune finally smiled on Steve. Or spat in his face. Steve drove around town looking for Matt for weeks. He checked shelters and community centers frequently. He’d went so far as to file a missing persons report, and that’s how he found himself standing in a grocery store watching Matt’s face redden as his second card got declined.

  Nick Young had spotted Matt’s car in this neighbourhood. He’d checked in with Matt and assured Steve that Matt was fine, but from where Steve stood, Matt looked anything but fine. He’d lost weight. His shoulders were rounded in defeat. His hands trembled as he stuffed the second card back in his wallet and pulled out a third.

  The cashier swiped the card, then shook her head and handed it back.

  Steve glanced down at Matt’s purchases, some toothpaste and a few of those soups in the foam cup you only needed to add hot water too.

  Steve strode over and before he could stop to think about it, he handed the cashier his card.

  He heard Matt thank him, and Matt raised his gaze to see who the kind stranger was.

  And Steve’s whole heart cracked when he saw the shame on Matt’s face.

  Chapter Three

  Matt

  “Steve.” Matt’s world spun. When the cop had approached him and told him that someone had filed a missing persons report, Matt assumed that it was Cam. But now, the truth stared him in the face and shame burst inside him as Steve swiped the bag containing Matt’s meager purchases then nodded his head toward the door. “What are you doing here?” Matt asked as he followed.

  Steve’s voice was hard, he was pissed at Matt. Well, he should get in line. No one was more pissed at him than himself. “I’m going to ask you a question and you’re going to give me the honest answer. Where are you living?”

  Matt’s chest threatened to cave in. He didn’t want to tell Steve. He didn’t want Steve to witness his shame, his complete stupidity. But he wouldn’t lie. Steve would know if he lied. Steve was already angry with Matt and Matt found himself not wanting to do anything to anger him even further. “My car.”

  “Does it have any gas?”

  Matt shook his head. “Ran out about a week ago. I’m just lucky I haven’t been towed yet.”

  “Where are you parked?” When Steve turned to Matt, his heart lifted a little. Steve didn’t look as if he was ashamed of Matt. Exhaustion and concern pinched his features, along with a little hint of anger, but no pity and Matt breathed easier.

  “Around the side.”

  Matt followed Steve, listening in complete horror when Steve called a tow truck.

  “You can’t keep sleeping in your car, Matt.” Steve leaned against Matt’s car and crossed his arms over his chest.

  Matt swallowed thickly. He knew without looking at Steve that the man was angry. He could feel his gaze, hot like a laser beam, boring holes into his skull. Matt wrapped his arms around himself and stared at the concrete. He didn’t realize he’d been shaking until Steve draped his jacket over Matt’s shoulders.

  “Give me your keys.” Steve commanded.

  It was easy to listen to Steve. He’d listened to him for two years, doing everything he was told. He should never have left his job. Matt sighed and went back to staring at the pavement.

  When the tow truck arrived, Steve dealt with the driver. He handed Matt’s keys over and gave the driver an address. Matt didn’t protest when Steve’s strong hand pressed against the small of his back and guided him through the parking lot to Steve’s car. Then Steve opened the door for him. “Get in, Matt.”

  Matt paused. Embarrassment didn’t begin to cover how he felt; mortified, and disgraced. Ashamed described it better. He climbed into the car, not once letting his gaze slip up to Steve's face. He wasn’t ready to see how disgusted Steve must be. Why wouldn’t he be? Matt fucked everything up. He quit his job to make a pass at a man who wasn’t interested because he had this stupid fantasy that he couldn’t shake. Not for the first time, Matt felt like an idiot.

  Matt’s chin trembled as he climbed in the car. When Steve shut the door, Matt seized the opportunity to take a deep breath. Even his breathing shook. Matt buckled in and kept his eyes down. Matt slipped Steve’s jacket off his shoulders. He carefully folded it up and placed it between his head and the door. Then he toed his sneakers off and pulled his legs up. He curled up into the smallest ball possible and closed his eyes. It dawned on him, as he fought to stay awake, that he felt safe. Ever since he’d left his apartment and started sleeping in his car he’d been on edge. He had been so afraid most of the time that he barely slept at night.

  When he’d first left his apartment, he’d been terrified of the cold and the uncertainty. Matt feared that something bad would happen to him while he slept or that someone would take his things if he left his car unattended for too long. He’d been terrified since the day he’d read the eviction notice. But here, close to Steve, Matt felt safe and dropped off to sleep even as Steve climbed into the car.

  Matt woke up when Steve’s car came to a stop. He sat up slowly, unfolding his legs, he slid his feet back into his sneakers. “Where are we?” Matt asked.

  “Home. Come on inside. While you shower, I’ll get you something to eat.”

  Matt blinked the sleep from his eyes and finally found a shred of courage. He glanced at Steve. “
My car?”

  “The tow truck should be here any minute with your car.” Steve reached over and unbuckled Matt. The irritation that radiated off Steve made shame bloom in Matt’s chest. He was nothing but a stupid kid. Steve had been right to reject him. Matt climbed out of the car as the tow truck pulled up with his car. Too ashamed to face anyone, Matt stuffed his hands into his pockets, bowed his head and headed for Steve’s front door. He waited there while Steve dealt with the driver of the tow truck. When Steve finally approached the door, Matt avoided looking at Steve’s stormy expression. He couldn’t get a good reading on Steve’s mood, but Matt had known Steve long enough to know that he was in deep trouble.

  Steve unlocked his door and ushered Matt inside. Matt had expected Steve to have a huge house. Instead he found himself in a small rancher with an attached, one car garage. Steve led him through the house, not bothering with the grand tour. He stopped outside of a bathroom and crossed his arms over his chest.

  “Get in the shower. There’s a fresh towel on the rack. I’ll put a change of clothes on the counter. When you come out, come to the kitchen. You need to eat.”

  “Yes, Sir.” Matt barely managed to whisper as he slinked past Steve into the bathroom. He shut the door and exhaled a shaky breath. Matt took another breath, then started stripping out of his clothes. He kept his eyes down and avoided looking in the mirror. He knew he looked terrible. His hair needed to be cut, he had bags under his eyes from not sleeping well, and he could tell that he’d lost weight.

  He adjusted the spray of the water and stepped into the warmth. He stood under the spray for a few minutes and let it pound some heat back into his body. It was his first proper shower in a month and Matt couldn’t relax enough to enjoy it. He’d made do with washing up in public washrooms, so this should’ve felt like heaven, but he had to stomp on the urge to curl up in the bottom of the tub and cry. Later, after he left, there would be lots of time to cry. He only had to sit through breakfast, then he could get his keys from Steve and be on his way. He didn’t know where he planned to go, but anywhere had to be better than here. Matt hurried through the rest of his shower. The sooner he was gone, the better.

  Matt had his arms crossed over his chest and his head bowed when he went to the kitchen. Steve motioned to a small round table that sat in a breakfast nook and Matt dutifully sat. Steve thumped a cup of coffee down in front of him, then a plate of bacon and eggs appeared. Matt couldn’t muster up the energy to thank Steve, not without falling apart. Silently, he picked up his fork and started in on the eggs. He didn’t realize how hungry he’d been until he realized that he polished off the entire plate of food. Matt set his fork down on the empty plate and reached for his coffee. He wrapped his fingers around the mug and absorbed its warmth. No matter what he did lately, he seemed unable to stay warm.

  The plate disappeared and still Matt didn’t look up at Steve. Then the chair across the table jerked out and Steve dropped into it.

  Matt flinched. He didn’t need to see Steve to know he was angry. The fact that he’d barely spoken a word to him had been a clear indication.

  From his peripheral vision, Matt saw Steve cross his arms over his chest. “You had me worried.” Steve exhaled. He didn’t sound half as angry as Matt had expected him to, but the sadness and disappointment he heard in Steve’s voice hurt more than he expected it to.

  Matt let go of his coffee and wrapped his arms around his torso. “I’m sorry.”

  “You’re—” Steve stopped and took a breath. “What happened, Matt? You said you had a good job lined up. You told me you were excited about it. I cut your last check and wished you well.”

  Steve fished Matt out of a bad situation. He took a deep breath and told Steve the truth. He deserved that much. “I was stupid.” Matt began. “I thought…I thought if I quit that I would have a chance. But I didn’t. And then the job fell through and Cam wouldn’t hire me back and I wouldn’t beg you to give me my job back, and unemployment declined because I quit my job. I left my apartment because I got evicted and there wasn’t enough room left on my credit cards for another month. I know I fucked everything up. But I’ll fix it. I’ll stand on my own feet.” It all spilled out of Matt so fast that he barely took a breath. He sucked in a shaky breath, then finally raised his head and glanced at Steve, but he could only manage to look at him for a fraction of a second. “If you give me my keys, I can change, and I’ll be out of your hair.”

  Matt flinched when Steve’s chair shoved back a few inches.

  “A friend on the force spent the better part of a month scouring the city for you. I drove around for hours looking for you. I drove through parts of town that I never want to see again, scared sick that I’d find you there. If you think I went through all that headache to feed you breakfast and turn you loose, you’re out of your mind. You’re not going anywhere because you have nowhere to go. I have a guest room and that’s where you’re staying.” Steve stood and walked over to Matt. He put his hand on Matt’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “Drink your coffee. I’m going to bring your things inside. I want you to have a nap, you look exhausted.”

  Matt didn’t move or breathe until Steve left the room. When he exhaled, a weight lifted off his chest. He was staying here. Steve demanded it and without his car keys, Matt didn’t have a choice in the matter.

  He furrowed his brow and took a sip of the coffee, then grimaced. Steve made his coffee strong and bitter. Matt got up and dumped the coffee down the drain. He rinsed the cup then padded off to the living room.

  Matt expected a big, black leather couch for some reason, and was surprised when he saw a light brown microfiber reclining couch instead. Folded up on one end was a crocheted afghan. Steve had been right. Exhaustion sank into Matt’s bones. He was too tired to care that Steve had steamrolled him in the kitchen and took over his entire life. It wasn’t much of a life anyway, Matt thought as he curled up under the afghan. He’d fucked it all up, as usual. If it weren’t for Steve, he wouldn’t even care anymore that he couldn’t seem to get his shit together, but he hated disappointing Steve.

  Chapter Four

  Steve

  Steve stormed out to Matt’s car. He clenched the keys so tight in his hand that they bit into his palm. The Matt he picked up in the parking lot wasn’t the same Matt who worked for him. This was the Matt that he first met two years ago when he came looking for a job. This was the Matt who hated himself, the timid Matt who was a shadow of himself. It had been like looking at a hollowed-out shell. The knowledge that it was his fault punched him in the stomach.

  If he’d listened to Alan and given Matt a chance, things might be different. If he wouldn’t have had that stupid rule about not fucking his employees, Matt might not be in this situation. Even when he reminded himself that he put the rule in place for reasons, it didn’t help ease the rock of guilt in his stomach.

  It only took Steve a few minutes to unload all of Matt’s possessions out of the car. Steve stared down at the pile and his gut clenched. The stack of meager belongings was everything Matt owned. A couple boxes of personal items and a couple duffel bags of clothing. Steve pulled some worn out bedding out of the back seat and a laundry bag half full of clothes. Steve carried Matt’s entire life to the guest room in two trips.

  He should have more than that. Steve paid well and judging from where Matt lived, he doubted his rent cost much. It wasn’t his business, but he couldn’t help wondering what Matt did with all his money. He doubted it was drugs or alcohol, but something about Matt’s former living situation didn’t sit well with him. He should’ve been able to afford a better place than a single room in an old hotel.

  Matt wasn’t in the kitchen where Steve left him, but it didn’t take him long to find him curled up on the couch, sound asleep. He faced the back of the sofa and only his fluffy brown hair poked out over top of the afghan. Steve dropped into his recliner and sighed. After weeks of being unable to get Matt out of his head, and then the time he spent worried, having h
im here seemed too good to be true. They still had a lot of things to discuss, such as the fact that Steve wasn’t going to let Matt leave until he was satisfied that he’d be able to support himself. But all of that could wait until Matt woke.

  Steve gave Matt one last look, then went upstairs and gathered all his clothing. Even though Matt had kept his car exceedingly clean, considering that had been his primary dwelling for the past few weeks, it wouldn’t hurt to freshen up his clothing for him. As hot as he looked in Steve’s oversized T-shirt and boxers, Matt would need his own clothes.

  Once Matt’s clothes were in the washer, Steve slipped outside and called the restaurant and the club. Both establishments were staffed well, and he could manage a day off here and there, but he still liked to check in. The restaurant ran smoothly, and the club wouldn’t open for hours yet.

  Steve killed time pretending to read a book while actually watching Matt sleep. He kept the charade up until it was nearly noon. He sent a text to the restaurant and put in an order for dinner. He ordered the beef ravioli that Matt always seemed to enjoy. He then fired off another text and told the kitchen to throw together a quick lunch for two.

  Matt had awakened sometime before Steve returned. He sat in a chair in the breakfast nook. He had the afghan still wrapped around his shoulders and a fresh cup of coffee sat in front of him. He appeared to be more alert.

  “I grabbed us lunch and dinner for later.” Steve said as he tucked the containers with the pasta into the fridge. They’d reheat fine in the oven later. The chef at the kitchen whipped up a nice lunch for the two of them. The kitchen staff laughed at Steve for ordering something so plebeian from his own restaurant, but like Alan, who used to frequent the restaurant more often, before Steve bought the club from him, Steve also had a soft spot for bacon double cheeseburgers.

  Steve grabbed a plate and transferred Matt’s burger and fries onto it and set it in front of him. “Eat up.” He bit back the remark about Matt being too skinny. Steve had known him long enough to know that Matt latched onto anything negative that people said to him. Steve put his own burger on a plate and joined Matt at the table. “I was hungry and couldn’t resist getting one of these. I have to keep the kitchen on their toes. Without Alan around as often, I worry they might forget how to make them.”