The Shadow Minds Journal, #1

by Kia Carrington-Russell

  Although I wanted peace I was also curious to see whether anything besides comfortable silence existed on this dimension. I wasn’t sure what dead world it was but I wondered what remained. There might even be a story behind it. I decided to explore. I skidded down the rock edge, barely cutting up my hands as I slid down with control. The dress caught on things but just as quickly released and flickered in its own direction as if it had a mind of its own.

  When my feet echoed on the cracked ground it was as if it had woken the world I stood on. There was a slight shake but nothing appeared. It felt like something had simply woken after being in slumber for so long. It reminded me of the demon under Aztec which still slumbered in me.

  I began walking across the vastness of what seemed like a never-ending desert. It wasn’t just flat land. Reassessing the way it crept down and the skeletons of creatures I could only guess it was once a large lake, maybe even sea. I kept walking for what seemed like hours. Perhaps it was a dried-up sea because there was nothing in sight. There was no sunlight but it wasn’t dark either. The sky seemed to illuminate a dreary clouded blue tinge. My breath was shallow as the world seemed like it didn’t have much to give. So many bones scattered where I walked and I wondered what might’ve happened to them and what kind of demons they were. They varied in sizes and shapes.

  Was this world annihilated in one clean sweep? I didn’t research on any species in particular but there were many that hadn’t survived, especially during the last war. Species of demons were wiped out and some homelands were even destroyed in the process. It wasn’t uncommon and yet I was curious. I was never truly left alone here. There were always one or two crows that followed me as if to see how far I would walk. I decided walking in this direction was pointless. I was only surrounded by vastness of land.

  If anything, the walk did me good, defusing any other frustrations I previously had. When I next had the chance, I would explore another part instead. Surely there was something else to see than this barren land. Not that I would be disappointed because I originally purchased the Trinity necklace so I could get away and get some silence. But I felt like this was now my world and place to retreat to and so I wanted to explore it. If there were hidden stories or powers to gain I wanted to know about them. I took the necklace off and was whirled into the modern day.

  I arched my back inward hissing at the discomfort of my back that had slumped for so long in the chair. I stood up taking another big stretch and yawn before placing my Trinity necklace in my safe and locking it. I walked out of the wardrobe still naked from my shower. An orange cat that perched itself on the railing to my veranda caught my attention. Its green eyes watched on with interest as its tail swished. I walked closer to the door to see if it would run. Most animals did when they felt the presence of my demons. But this one didn’t budge. I shifted into my cat demon wondering if it would scare it. It didn’t. I smiled at its courage and walked out to pat it.

  It looked a little feral, maybe an alleyway cat. It wasn’t fazed by my fast movement as I began to scratch behind its ear. It felt rather surreal. I had never really been a cat person. Well until I could turn into one. “You’re not scared of me at all, huh?” I continued scratching under its jaw which it loved. It had no collar perhaps not even an owner. Having enough of me it jumped off the railing and walked over to the next window, walking along the house. It wasn’t a demon or a spy I would’ve felt it. It was just a curious alleyway cat.

  I shifted back into my human form and walked over to my bed. I landed on my bed, face first. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I fell asleep.

  Chapter Twenty-Three- Vivian

  Going to sleep exhausted was a rookie mistake for a Guardian but at times was inevitable. Avoiding sleep would only make it worse. Fighting during the day and being exhausted left us exposed during our sleep, especially in shadow dreams. It was a very different experience in the Shadow dreams after having met them in person at the orphanage.

  Aiden was with me. How nostalgic to see my ex-boyfriend after so long. We were evidently still together as he walked me through a parking lot holding my hand. I wasn’t alarmed, in fact I felt at ease with him. Before I was changed I had loved him dearly, we had been together for just under five years until my... death. I have only seen him twice after that and that was enough to know that I have completely changed and love was not a real thing for someone like a Guardian. That and also, he hated everything that I have become. If more hateful words were in his vocabulary he would’ve bashed me without remorse. And all of that trust and loyalty of five years splintered away in that reality when I realized he thought this was a path I chose for myself. The fame and money might have been why some desired it, but it was never something I wanted for myself.

  Guardians were handpicked by Haymen himself, why he chose me was still a mystery. I was a nobody in my former life. I was just a dog walker, saving money in hopes to move from Shabeah. Now ironically, I was chained to it.

  I couldn’t speak and his words came in and out as he pulled me across the parking lot which was slowly dimming from the sunset. He looked back and smiled at me dotingly like he always did. In his eyes here, I was normal. An old wound, which had healed very quickly. Mental instability or sentiment wasn’t something we really held onto. I wish I felt more for him but I was programed to know that it was weakness and I would be exploited for it.

  He continued leading me through the carpark and down the staircase to the underground train track. When we walked down the stairs two men grabbed my attention. I continued walking but turned to watch them leave. Every step I took after that felt as if I was slowly being drugged and my vision became hazy. I didn’t understand how it had happened and if I had been drugged. I was becoming... exhausted and weak.

  Aiden walked me into the toilet and suddenly he became an old girlfriend that I worked at the café with. She applied her lipstick as she spoke to me through the mirror. Her blonde hair was spilling over her sleeveless dress as she ranted about her ex-boyfriend. I couldn’t concentrate as her words dipped in and out. My vision was rippling as I squinted at her trying to focus.

  My legs became heavy and I began to panic. What was happening to me? I could hardly breathe. I stumbled over to the singular toilet booth. I just wanted to be alone so I could put my head between my knees and figure out what was happening to me.

  I became paranoid as I could feel someone creeping up on me. Hunting me. My friend was only a distraction. I had to run away. My every sluggish step towards the toilet was haphazard and I stumbled about trying to reach it. To hide in there so nothing could get to me. I fell into it and instead of falling into a toilet booth I was inside an empty underground carpark. The flashing of lights flickered over me. I could hardly stand as my lethargic legs were about to give way. Wake up. There in the flickering shadows stood a figure. Wake up. Just watching me. Laughing at me but I couldn’t audibly hear it. He was entertained as I tried to fight against him and his will that drained me. He was leeching the energy from me. Wake up. The shine of a knife in his hand glistened and he ran for me. He knew that I was trying to pull myself out before he could hurt me. My legs gave way and I dropped to the ground. He pulled back his elbow ready to plunge it into my heart as he ran closer. Wake up. He was almost here. He would kill me. This was real. Right before the blade reached my chest I focused on being awake in the real world. I had to free myself from this or he would kill me. Wake up. WAKE UP!

  I dragged myself out of my sleep state but wasn’t fully awake. I was laying in my bed in my room but I was in a state of... I don’t know, in between. Awake and asleep at the same time, a state of mind where I might see things that I couldn’t while being awake in the day. It felt like some middle platform like that. I couldn’t move, my sleep paralysis was in full effect. I felt it before I could shuffle my eyes across. A black bony human like creature was hunched over my left arm. It had no mouth or eyes but still had the outline of those sunken features. It was cloaked in its black oily ski
n.

  It screamed at me, a high pitch nasty roar, irritated that I had interrupted its meal. And I realized with fear, that its meal was my arm. Its claws were latched in as I felt it draining me and exhausting me of my arm’s functions. Bile rose in my throat and I realized that fearing it or crying wouldn’t get rid of it. Instinctually I felt like I had to fight against the presence and overpower it and so I roared back, like a lion would entitling itself to its own prey. No noise came out but the pushing and overpowering effect seemed to work as the thing withdrew and suddenly vanished and morphed into a red tentacle like thing. It looked almost like a spider as it slowly drifted towards my ceiling. My sleep paralysis only added to that stifling and fearful moment of not being able to jump out of my bed and run for the door. Sensing my spike in fear it swept a little closer. It was drawn to it. I tried to guard myself and focus. I needed to be confident. It glided back to the ceiling hovering a moment longer before finally vanishing.

  Slowly I felt the full weight of my body, no longer being on the in-between plane where I could see the creature. Tears, actual tears streamed down my cheeks until I could move my body again. That has never happened to me before. Only spooky dreams that I could at times try to flog off as nightmares. But not this time, no this was real. That was something very present in my room and was feasting off me while I slept.

  No alarms had sounded from a break in. Even that creature’s presence wasn’t detected.

  When I could finally move, I rose to a sitting position and checked my arm. It didn’t physically look different but it felt different. Like it had eaten and sapped all the energy in my left arm. It was sluggish to lift and use. I continued to look at the ceiling to see if I could see the attacker but it was gone. Whatever that thing was had vanished and with it a belly full of my arm. A lump formed in my throat as I wondered what else might’ve happened if I hadn’t woken up and if I didn’t realize something was wrong. Was this already the start of being compromised? Was this the start and end of how Guardians were eventually killed?

  I brushed away the panic-stricken thoughts. They weren’t going to help me; if anything they would just make me clumsy. I tapped on the implant on my ear to check the time. It was two in the morning. I had only been sleeping for a few hours. I knew Doc would come as soon as I called her but instead I felt like I had to shower and wash away the vileness I felt from its touch. I have been violated. And worst of all I didn’t know how to stop it or prevent it from coming back.

  Forty-five minutes later with freshly washed hair and painted toenails, I paged Doc. I wasn’t at all surprised when I walked into the Shadow Mind’s room that she was already there. I don’t know how she appeared like some kind of magician but she always did.

  “Sorry about the morning rise, Doc,” I said sitting comfortably in the chair. The truth was I was glad to have someone near me, it helped me ease back into what should be the normal daily routine. I was a Guardian. Things such as fear and panic weren’t ingrained in us. But there was that small part, I think instinct that fought for me, urging that something was wrong and I have become the prey of something even greater than me. It has me wondering why Haymen specifically wanted us to be the bait and hunt these demons. Maybe there was something that existed that even he feared or couldn’t control. After my discussion with the Shadow person that possessed Alice, I was certain that its master might’ve challenged Haymen for the throne before.

  “I was already here,” she said flipping over a page that had already been scribbled with her witch writing.

  “Alexa?” I asked about the fellow Guardian. I didn’t see her walk past me in the hallway but I could smell her perfume lingering in the air. She nodded. I wondered if Tahmeed had been in today, despite the early time. That scream that came from her room meant only one thing–that she was being attacked in her sleep. Looked like it was a busy night for all of us. The attacks were more frequent now.

  Everything was to be reported. That was why we were the bait and the hunters. The point of all of it was so we could record it in hopes it would get us closer to finding them. But I wondered if any Guardian at this point had actually been able to follow through with the hunt considering they all found themselves dead within years of taking the role.

  “A rather early account for you. You’ve been reporting a lot more incidences as of late,” she said. And that hung in the air. It wasn’t a good thing. Progress of finding them... maybe, but not for my health or longevity. She did her usual blood sample and looked at me curiously when I didn’t raise my left arm for her to take it. It was difficult for me to move it. It was heavy and felt like the life had been sucked out of it. I hoped that over time during the day it would come back. I wondered how much she would see on the Shadow Mind scan. Surely she wouldn’t see what I did afterwards. But I wasn’t entirely awake when I saw that red spider creature either.

  She raised my arm herself and positioned it carefully on the ledge of the chair and began extracting blood. I wondered if she had yet sourced my last three demons. I still had to confirm if the hellhound was in fact contracted to me because I haven’t had the chance to formally greet it, so to speak.

  The blood was taken and then I had to relive the nightmare. I hoped she didn’t ask too many questions because I sure as hell didn’t know how to explain them. The four probes stabbed into the back of my neck. Being probed at three in the morning wasn’t my idea of a fresh brew of coffee.

  “Shadow Mind’s activated,” the system announced as the room dulled and my memory was projected onto the white wall in front of us. I wasn’t at all surprised that Doc knew who Aiden was. “Do you think of or miss him?” She asked at the part where Aiden and I were casually walking through the carpark above the train station. It wasn’t a remorseful question but an insurance to make sure that Haymen’s property wasn’t having human sentiments or being compromised.

  “No.” I said firmly and continued to watch the screen trying to get a clear sighting of the two men I walked past. It was after walking past them that the sense of being drugged had occurred and I was being entrapped. Maybe they were a part of it all. Or possibly they were just a figment of the dream I was forced to walk through.

  I was desperate to see their faces and anything that might be a lead. I only had a few seconds to stare at them but they were both pale and well dressed for a colder day. They both wore cozy black coats and laughed at one another as they spoke. I couldn’t hear what they were saying but by their complexion–rosy cheeks and blonde hair–I had the feeling that they weren’t from my country. They had a very crisp English accent.

  That’s when my visual began to go hazy and even Doc leaned in intently. Bile rose in my throat while reliving it; to see my trauma on screen. I was relieved that she couldn’t feel the panic and fear that drove me hard into that toilet and then into the underground carpark or she might’ve reported me compromised then and there. These emotions were making me unhinge. It wasn’t the creature itself I was scared of but the inability to know how to prevent it. We couldn’t show fear, we shouldn’t know fear. Was I a failed Guardian for feeling this, if only for a moment?

  The shadowy figure standing in the carpark was laughing. And then he was running at me with a knife; by the time he had gotten close to piercing his blade in my chest I couldn’t make out his face because my vision was too blurred. Doc tsked in frustration. She didn’t see my internal dialogue that forced me to wake up and get out of the dream state. The footage cut out. I was grateful she couldn’t see the oily creature that I woke up to. What if they determined I have been compromised? Would they kill me? She burrowed her eyebrows together and looked at me. Then she began to scribble.

  “Nothing else happened? It ends abruptly,” she said.

  “I think a bird flew into my window and woke me up,” I lied. She considered it for a moment, but I knew she didn’t believe me.

  “Now Vi, you know you have to be honest with me in these reports,” she began. She lowered her board so her gibberi
sh witch writing was in front of me. I didn’t let my facial features give way but suddenly that gibberish writing was starting to make sense to me. I found that some of those characters were piecing together right before my very eyes. It didn’t read like English. No but it was a language that I understood and could somehow convert. That was new.

  ‘Footage might have been compromised’ was the setting tone for one sentence. Because I can compromise the footage of my own brain?! ‘Mind stimulation was heightened. Perhaps panic. Physical pain might have been endured’.

  “Are you listening?” she asked me clicking her fingers in front of me to wake me from my sudden daze. She looked at the board and then me.

  “I am. Sorry it’s just been a rough two days. I didn’t mean to zone out on you,” I said. “I understand and wish I could tell you more Doc, I really do.”

  She didn’t seem to believe me but raised her hand to the door. She removed the four prongs from my neck. When I walked to the door she halted me.

  “I mean it Vi, you can talk to me. It’s your job to report everything to me,” she said sternly.

  “You don’t have to remind me of my duty Doc, I was reborn for this one purpose, remember?” I said in a tone that vibrated the strength of my demons. We stared at one another. Psyching each other up and wondering who might win if we were to fight. And then I walked out. I wasn’t in the mood to make enemies at three in the morning with the woman who directly reported everything to Haymen.

  It didn’t take me long to get changed into my loose pants and sports bra. That’s one thing I did appreciate Shabeah for, a lot of it had been conserved even the fashion. There were still a lot of odd looks and fashions that made their way into Shabeah but it was an older preserved city. Other cities however were far more advanced and vivid. I have never left the city myself. My parents didn’t travel and I didn’t have the money for it either. Until now, and I wasn’t permitted to leave.