by Allison Rios
“I don’t want you to leave,” she whispered. “I don’t want to see you either. I don’t know what I want. I want to not feel like this. I want to not make mistakes in life. I want to give Rose a home she deserves.”
“You will, Addie. Mistakes are a part of life, parts that usually lead to better things. You need to believe in yourself and believe you are worth more than people like Joseph have to offer. It doesn’t matter how strong you think you are. You need to let people in. You’re not going to end up like your mother.”
He regretted saying the words before he even finished the sentence.
“What do you know about my mother?” she asked, snapping to attention.
“A little. Your Gram told me about her.”
“What did she tell you?”
“Just about her growing up, going into the hospital.”
“That’s an understatement. She abandoned me. She was crazy as a loon and that’s probably where I’m headin’ in life.”
“Sometimes,” he said with resolution, “things aren’t always what we make them out to be.”
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” she whipped back.
“Nothing,” he replied. “It’s not my business.”
“No, speak your mind. You’re my friend, right?”
“It’s like I can see the train wreck and I’m steering right for it,” he said. His mind was telling him to shut up. He ignored it and pressed on. He’d gone this far and she was already mad at him. Why not finish?
“Okay. What it means is, maybe if you open up your mind a little about your mother you’ll see she wasn’t the monster you made her out to be when you were a little girl. Maybe if you forgive her, you’ll forgive yourself a bit.”
“I’ll take it into consideration.”
She stared straight ahead, her lips quivering as she fought to hold back tears.
“Do you want to try and sleep?” AJ whispered, his hands shaking a bit on her legs.
“Yes,” she replied, getting up from the couch. She knew if she got any angrier, she’d begin to say things she’d regret. He looked a little disheartened as she made her way towards the room. “I’ll be fine. Night AJ.”
“Night Addie.”
He sat restlessly on the couch.
He hadn’t cared about someone this much since his mother. As person after person walked through the line at the wake, they gave their condolences and mentioned how relieved he must be to have the burden of caretaking lifted off of his shoulders. He found this reasoning most offensive. He would have given everything he had to continue caring for her, as long as she wasn’t suffering. Watching over her, making sure she was rested and taken care of – it had all given him a purpose, a reason to continue with life and believe that something better was coming. Her loss left a hole in his heart as well as his soul. She was all he had growing up and to be alone in the world as a young adult without her guidance seemed an impossible feat. She had always helped him choose the right path and without her it seemed as all the roads in life were a bit darker and harder to define.
He felt the same about Addie in a sense. The same feelings overcame his soul as he stood in front of her trembling body on the ground. To see her so frightened, so afraid of another human being, was a humbling feeling. It reminded him how delicate people really are. It was as if his heart was feeling everything she was and he could visibly touch the hurt that she was undergoing. Her fear made him stronger, more intent to protect her from anything that might cause her harm. He would have given up his life, he realized, to protect her from Joseph. The realization would make keeping things friendly that much more of a task.
He let his mind wander to a topic he never had before. What if he gave in, he wondered? What if he stepped back, gave up his abilities, and settled down into a life with her? It seemed an awfully steep chance to take, as things could not work out and he’d be left with nothing at all. No ability to heal, no one to love. The loneliness scared him the most. He could deal with losing his gift and he could probably live with never getting married, as long as he had friends. The fear of being completely alone was what scared him.
He closed his eyes, thinking about Addie and replaying every feature he had memorized from days of staring at her. If he gave everything up, he could touch her. He could lift her chin with his hand, run the other through her hair, gently pulling her head towards his while wrapping his arm around her back to pull her closer, to feel her warmth against him. He could fall asleep with her, every night, not withholding secrets or hiding his strength. He could have a life.
A real one.
**************************************************
Each person is like a snowflake. They land on earth and from the moment they arrive, their time starts counting down and they begin to disappear. Some of them are big, collecting others as they go along on the journey, and others are small, keeping to themselves. Together, they all make one big population.
To some they are beautiful and hopeful. They are disliked immensely by others. Some make a journey more difficult while some bring smiles and fun and memories of good days.
Each one is different much like every person on earth, no matter if they have the exact same genetic makeup. There is always one small distinction that makes each snowflake a bit different from the rest.
The same goes with life. Everyone finds themselves on earth, landing in different places. Some stay for awhile, others are quickly gone. And while all have different paths and goals in life, they are, at the heart of the matter, the same; all equally built from a core design and tweaked to make the world a more interesting place.
In her room Addie sat awake, staring at the ceiling and clutching her pillow. It was moments like this when she knew how much she disliked Joseph. And that she missed Robert most. Joseph was merely a warm body. She simply didn’t want to be alone and that was the only reason Joseph been a part of her life. With AJ around, it was like having a piece of Robert back, because they shared so many of the same qualities. The only difference between them that she could see was that AJ wasn’t running away from her even though things were uncomfortable. At least not physically; although emotionally he wasn’t giving her what Robert had, either.
Addie had always believed that at ninety years old, she’d be sitting in a hand-carved rocking chair on the front porch holding hands with her husband, basking in a lifetime of memories and celebrations as they watched the sun fade to the west on another beautiful day.
What she had never anticipated was watching those sunsets from the window of a hospital room, her baby girl lying in her arms as time – and her daughter’s father Robert - slipped through her fingers faster than the sand in an hourglass. While Rose would sleep those first couple days after she was born, Addie would stand, her arms folded coldly across her body, and stare out at the beauty she had dreamed of watching together. The minutes passed and hours disappeared from the clock. Robert hadn’t returned to get them. She clung frantically to hope that he would.
Back at home, by the time the first snowfall of the season came, he was gone just as quickly as the snowflakes that dotted her jacket. The separation was more than emotional; it was physical. They’d been friends since childhood. As a couple they’d only spent a few years together. His absence chiseled away at her heart because they hadn’t made the choice to go their separate ways together. He’d left her. It left an indelible mark on her and she was constantly afraid from that point on of being rejected again. She wanted control, to make the choices, and her steadfast decision to be in charge had led her into one disastrous choice after another.
He’d left behind a beautiful little girl with corkscrew curls who would think for the rest of her life that her father didn’t want her. Addie knew that no matter what reason she came up with, Rose would know the truth. She held her baby in her arms every moment she could and it chipped away at the ever-growing hole in her heart with each “I miss Daddy” and “Is Daddy coming home?” the child asked over th
e years. They both knew the answer, yet neither wanted to admit it. Addie wanted more for her daughter. She wanted a good father for her.
And she wanted a good husband for herself. She feared being alone.
While they didn’t have any last goodbyes, they had conversations throughout their relationship where he made her promise if anything ever happened to him, she would carry on and be happy. He had just failed to mention that anything could also mean him hightailing it out of town in a trail of dust.
She thought about those times often those first few weeks of Rose’s life, and wanted so badly to honor them, to make those a lasting memory for her daughter. She felt perhaps if she believed enough that he had been taken as opposed to having walked away she could make it real. She felt so broken-hearted at the loss; she could not bring herself to do more than the daily mom duties and work responsibilities at times. And for her, that was the worst – Rose deserved more than half a mother.
The memories haunted her. She remembered the day they had last gone to the beach. The sky shone hydrangea blue and the water slightly chilly as it normally was in the spring. Kids were building sand castles while she and Robert lay on the blanket and watched, her stomach a full nine-months and growing. They enjoyed people-watching the crowded beach as tourists passed by.
He had looked at her as he lifted himself up on his elbow and shared a fantastic smile that had made her fall in love in the first place.
“What?” she asked, shyly grinning back. He just smiled wider.
“If anything happens to me, promise me you’ll always stay this happy. As happy as you are right here, in this moment.”
“Robert, that’s an awful thing to say!” she replied. “We’re out here enjoying ourselves. Quit saying things like that!”
“Addie, I’m serious,” he said, still grinning. “Seeing you smile as you watch those cute kids running around, well, I just can’t imagine you not being that happy. Ever.”
“We’re all gonna be happy together for a real long time,” she replied, returning her glance back to the beach and adjusting her big sunhat to give her a better view. She had never envisioned that in just a few short weeks he would be gone of his own free will. It had all seemed so perfect at that moment.
“I know we are. But just in case. Promise me that.”
“Okay, okay, I promise, now shut up already,” she replied playfully, looking back to give him one more playful smirk.
She thought about these moments a lot. Had he cared that she was stewing around the house, avoiding friends and phone calls, trying to keep herself completely occupied with activities so that she wouldn’t have time to be sad? She convinced herself he was doing it to be kind. Maybe he didn’t believe he could be the father or husband either of them needed. Maybe he had wanted her to carry on with life and start living again. Maybe he was giving her the opportunity to start fresh with someone better.
Only until the moment she realized he had left, he’d been perfect. Robert was completely the opposite of Joseph and more like AJ than she cared to admit.
After Robert left, the winter passed and the blooms sprouted. She carried on with routine for the sake of all she loved. By summer, her friends were asking to return to mindless, relaxing outings at the beach. It wasn’t until August that she buckled down her fear of letting people in again and headed out for the first trip without Robert in as long as she could remember.
She watched the patrons of the beach play and as she looked back at the blanket they had always shared together, it struck another painful chord in her heart that Robert’s space was empty. She could almost see him there, smiling up at her as he’d always done. She glanced back up in time to see Gram plop down next to her on the rickety Adirondack chair.
“What a day!” Gram laughed, her skin speckled by the sun in the places she had missed applying sunscreen. “I’m feeling a bit embarrassed about my cheetah-like tan, and would like to get some sleeves on these puppies,” she said, running her hands up and down her arms. “What’s wrong Addie?” She could see the disdain on her granddaughter’s face. “It’s a beautiful day. And the water’s pretty decent. You’ve just been sitting here on this towel with Rose. You should take her in the water.”
“I want to go,” Addie replied, and her voice cracked. Gram knew exactly what she was thinking and she pulled Addie close to her. “I just don’t want to be here.”
Addie felt her body begin to shake, and her heart broke for what seemed like the millionth time.
“I know, Lovebug, I know,” Gram replied, kissing the top of her head and pulling her even closer. “I know it’s tough. Rose wants you to be happy and to have fun and to keep living,” she continued, trying her best to maintain her composure and ease Addie’s pain. “Look at those chubby little cheeks. She wouldn’t want her mama to stop living when there’s so much left to do.”
“Gram, I’m 18 with a baby. People look at me like I’ve got the plague because I kept her. Or they look at me with pity because I’m all alone. I’m the stupid little tramp from Lee.”
“Addie, don’t you ever let me hear you talk like that again!” Gram said, her voice strong and ready for a fight. Gram was a firm believer in loving yourself for who you are and not worrying what the rest of the world thought.
“You did something that other people said you’re not supposed to do. So what? We all have. And as a result, you were blessed with this beautiful little bundle of joy. And you chose to have her instead of takin’ the easy way out, making you brave and courageous. And you put her first, giving up all else to give her a good home and life. And if anyone ever tries to tell you any different, then they aren’t worth the breath they’re spewin’ because they’re just jealous they don’t have the moxie you do! If you don’t start forgiving yourself and living your life, how can you expect your daughter to do the same as she grows?”
Addie smiled. “You got a way with words, you know that?” Her Gram had been right. If she didn’t heal, forgive and carry on, how could her baby?
The memories of that time were etched in her mind like a chisel to stone. Engraved on her heart forever, a constant reminder of how easily people can come and go from one’s life. Looking at the door to her bedroom, her fingers playing with the fringe on her blanket, she knew that on the other side was the first man who had made her scared of loss since Robert.
7 THE VISIT
The sun rose upon the tired eyes of two exhausted, lonely people. AJ stretched out on the couch, watching the beams ease their way through the open blinds, which he had left that way in an attempt to see Joseph if the belligerent drunk returned. It hadn’t mattered that the early rising sun would brighten up the room so early in the morning; sleep wasn’t something he had been anticipating for the night anyway.
He looked towards her room at the heavy oak door with the prehistoric, chipping white paint. A shiny black vintage doorknob stood between him and Addie, keeping her from the opportunity to check on her. He stood up, his body sore from the previous evening’s rush of adrenaline and the old, uncomfortable couch. The strength with which he had been flexing his muscles in an effort to intimidate Joseph had taken a toll on his body – one he didn’t regret in the least as the last 12 hours went by.
Walking slowly, he inched his way towards her door. The old wooden planks of the floor creaked with every step he took and he cringed, silently willing them to be silent. After what they’d been through, he thought better about creeping up on her. She most likely didn’t sleep either and would be well aware of every noise in her surroundings.
“Addie?” he whispered, touching the doorknob gently. “Addie, you awake?”
Her first instinct was to pretend to be asleep. Maybe he’d leave and she wouldn’t have to face the awkwardness for a few more hours. She knew he’d never be brazen enough to come into such a personal space uninvited.
“Addie?” he whispered again. Resigned to heading back to the couch until she awoke, he finally heard a hushed voice.
; “I’m awake,” she whispered back. Her voice was hoarse, the way it would be after crying all night.
“You want some breakfast?” he asked, hoping she’d say no. He hadn’t cooked a decent meal in years; he wasn’t even sure he’d remember how to.
“No. I just want to be alone for awhile. You can go, really. I’ll be fine. I’ll catch up with you later.”
“You sure?”
“I’m sure. Really AJ, I’m sure. He’s not going to come back during the day. He’s not that stupid.”
She was hoping he wasn’t at least.
“I’m right next door if you need anything, okay?”
Everything in his body was telling him not to leave though he needed the distance as much as she did.
“I know.”
He walked over to the window and looked out and across at the B&B. Matthew was out front talking to someone. AJ couldn’t make out who it was as they were standing behind Matthew’s truck. As his eyes wandered to the right, AJ saw the car and knew immediately who had driven it into town. He glanced back at Addie’s room one more time and convinced himself to put one foot in front of the other and out the front door.
Walking across the lawn still barefoot and shirtless from the night before, he relished in the gentleness of the grass on his feet. It was a moment of peace in the midst of a storm.
“Max?” he said, a crooked smile on his face. “What are you doing here? Miss me already?”
“Thought I’d come see your little corner of the world,” he laughed, reaching out to pat AJ on the back. “Met Matthew here, tells me you’re a good worker.”
AJ laughed. “I can be.”
“I told him to keep his eyes on you or you’ll start tinkering with everything and anything. Pretty soon, this place’ll be a motel or something with a flashing neon sign.”
Matthew enjoyed seeing a friend of AJ’s in town; it made him feel a little safer about this stranger. He liked AJ enough; he was just leery of any outsider in his little town until he really got to know them.