I smiled and shook my head no. I stepped closer to him though, placing myself an inch from him. As I finished unbuttoning and slid my shirt off my shoulders, by breasts were so close that if he leaned forward just an inch or so he could take them in his mouth. "That is so not fair." He said, voice deep with longing.
I smiled my response and stayed where I was, sliding out of my jeans as well. I stood in front of him, wearing my bra and panties, enjoying his obvious discomfort. "What do you want?" I asked him, standing so close I could feel the warmth of his breath on my skin as he answered.
"I want to touch you. I want to kiss and lick you all over. I want to bury my cock deep inside you and make you pay for this torture. This is torture, you know. To have you this close and not be able to touch you."
"Don't you like to watch?" I asked him as I slid my fingers inside of my panties, my fingers sliding around under the fabric right in front of his nose.
"Oh hell. That's hot. Oh fuck babe. Come closer, let me lick you."
I was tempted to. I wanted his mouth on me. But I wanted to see how far I could push him. I was enjoying having the power, the control, but what I really wanted was to push him over the edge. To tease him until he snapped, grabbing me, pinning me down. I wanted him to return the favor, to take control. I didn't want to give it to him, I wanted to drive him so crazy he took it. I wanted some caveman instinct to take over and for him to lose control over himself and take control over me. To mindlessly, instinctively pin me down, hold my hands over my head and fuck me senseless. I loved making love with him, but right now I needed him to just fuck me. To take what he needed, giving me what I needed at the same time.
I pushed my panties aside, letting him watch my fingers up close as I slid them inside myself. His hands came off the bed, toward me, but then he stopped himself, gripping the side of the bed instead.
I pushed him backward, so he was lying on the bed. I climbed up on him, straddling him. I could feel the hardness of him twitching under me. Pressing into the warm wetness of my panties. I wiggled my hips against him, the moan that came out of him was primal. Almost there.
I popped my breasts out of my bra, and leaned over him, just above his mouth. I took his wrists and pulled them over his head, leaning my weight on them on the bed, dangling my breasts over his face. I felt his hips buck under me and smiled.
With his hands pinned under mine, I ground my hips into him and brushed my breasts over his mouth. His body was so tight with want and need he practically vibrated, but he still didn't break. He didn't take. So I gave.
"Suck me. Take them in your mouth." I ordered.
He moaned again, and dove for my breast. He pulled the nipple in deep into his mouth, sucking. His rolled his head under me, taking the other in turn. He drew on my breast, sucking sensation up from the pit of me. I pressed into his mouth, suffocating him.
I couldn't take it anymore, I left one hand on his, pinning his wrists still to the bed, but I slid the other hand between us, sliding my panties aside. I lifted my hips just enough to slide him inside. I felt him fill me, stretch me, and instead of forcing him to lose his mind, I lost mine.
I held his hands above him still, using them as leverage and pressed my breasts into his eager sucking mouth and I ground my wet sex into him. I bucked and I rode him, grinding my clit against him. His hips met mine, letting me ride him hard and desperate as he continued to suck my nipples.
I rocked up and down on him, feeling him slide almost out and then I'd slide down on him again, feeling him hit home. So deep, so full, my orgasm building with each slide down his cock, running my clit in circles, grinding my need against him. I heard him groan as his own release was near. That sound sent me over, and as he came as well, the feel of him twitching and spurting deep inside me turned mine into two, one coming right after the other.
I rode out the waves of my orgasm with my breast still in his mouth, and my hands gripping his wrists tight. I fell limply over him, exhausted and sweaty. After we rested a bit I rolled over, lying beside him.
I snuck a look sideways at him, wondering what his reaction would be. He gave me a slow, satisfied grin. He looked happy, sated. Maybe my idea would work. Maybe my actions today told him I was open and willing for some extras in the bedroom. Hopefully it was just a matter of time before we brought some toys to bed with us. Some sexy lingerie here, some flavored lube there.
I had no interest in introducing another man to the heartbreakingly dangerous currents of the sex clubs, but maybe I could bring the fun parts of the clubs into this relationship. I smiled shyly back at him, my aggression fading fast now that I had gotten a physical release from all the emotions that had been simmering these past few days.
Roger noticed the change, and asked "What got into you? Whatever it was, I like it."
And dumb ass that I am, with my defenses down from a great roll in the hay, I told him.
Chapter 21
Man Down
Roger stood beside my bed, forcefully shoving his feet back into the legs of his pants. "You actually expect me to be ok with you going to a swinger's club with your ex? What's wrong with you?"
"Of course I don't expect you to be ok with it. If it didn't bother you, I'd have to rethink this whole relationship. It would bother the hell out of me too, if things were reversed. No, I don't expect or want you to be ok with it, but I was hoping maybe you could understand it. That we could figure a way through this, together. I can't not help her, don't you see that? I can't leave her alone knowing who she is."
"Why didn't you tell me any of this before we got serious? Before we slept together?" Roger was pulling clothes on faster than I'd ever seen him take them off. "I had a right to know you were a swinger before we slept together. That puts me in jeopardy you know. Now I've got to get tested for all kinds of diseases."
That stung. He was calling me a diseased slut, and that hurt. I forced the hurt away, before it could take root, and willed myself to stay rational. I pulled the sheet around me, covering my naked body as a thin protection from Roger's anger.
"I'm not a swinger. I never was. We went and watched, but I was never with anyone but Caleb, and you knew about Caleb. If we had swapped freely, then yes, of course I would have told you first. I don't know your history either. You were military. I have no idea how you comforted yourself overseas. Neither one of us lived our lives thinking 'what is my future boyfriend/ girlfriend I'm going to meet next year going to think about this?' We lived our lives, made our decisions based on the present circumstances, not guessing about the future. Look, ok, I'm not ashamed of anything I've done.
I was curious. We went, we watched a lot, we did some minor stuff. I even liked some aspects of it, but overall it didn't work for me, and it completely killed our relationship. I got jealous and Caleb didn't want to stop, but it is all in my past. I had no intent of ever going back. It's not something I tell people. I'm not proud, I don't announce my past. 'Hi, nice to meet you, I've seen what goes on behind the closed doors of a swinger's club, what's your secret?' I'm not proud, but Roger, I'm not ashamed either, and I won't let you make me feel ashamed. We all have a past. Everyone does. Mine just came back to bite me on the ass, that's all."
He looked down on me, his expression stiff and guarded. I got to my knees on the bed, still wrapped in my sheet, and scooted to the edge of the bed so I could look him in the eyes. "She's been missing for years. Years, Roger. No one but Caleb and I, and now you, have any idea she's still alive. I have to try, don't you get that? This is bigger than me. It's bigger than my past. It's bigger than us. It's a rescue mission. Her life may very well depend on us finding her. I like you. More than you know. I can see a future with you. Ideally, I'd like for you to stay. I don't want to lose you over this. I need someone to lean on, to talk to. Someone that isn't Caleb, someone to keep me grounded and sane while I do this.
We could set some ground rules. I won't have sex with Caleb. You can trust that. I've made that clear to Caleb. Caleb has a girlfr
iend, too. Maybe you could even go with us. A threesome would fit in just fine. That way, if anything goes wrong, there are two men to help save her. And you'd know everything, be a part of it all. I didn't hide this from you. I'm telling you now, the very first time seeing you in person after going back. I could have never mentioned any of it. Roger, I need an honest relationship. If this is going to work, you need to know all of me, dark secrets and all."
Roger just stared at me, I had the feeling I wasn't helping my cause. Roger's face was dark, closed off to me. I kept talking anyway.
"I know it's early. We haven't been together long, but if we are going to be together, we need to accept things about each other. Shine a flashlight in all of the dark corners. Granted, usually that kind of stuff comes later in a relationship, when the relationship seems headed for a long future, but I can't help the timing. If you're going to be in my life, and Roger, I really do want you in my life, then you have to accept me, who I really am, warts and all. You have to accept that for the next little while, I have to try. I have to see if we can help her, save her. You get that, right? Being a Marine. No such thing as an ex-Marine, right? Right now she's a man down, so to speak. I can't leave a man down. Not if there is a chance I can save her."
The room got eerily quiet once I stopped speaking. It was all out there now. Nothing left to do but wait. I watched Roger's face. Every possible emotion played over it. I watched as his face stilled, his eyes calmed. He had reached a decision, and from the looks of it, it didn't bode well for me.
He opened his mouth to speak, and I fortified myself for the breakup I now knew was inevitable. His eyes had turned hard, his face was now closed to me.
"It's too soon for complicated. I'm sorry. I was just looking for simple. A fun, easy, simple relationship. This is more than I bargained for. I wish you luck. I hope her story ends well, I truly do. But I can't be part of this."
I sat there numbly, wrapped in my sheet, as Roger walked out of my bedroom. I heard my front door open and close moments later. The adrenaline slowly drained from my body, and the fact that Roger had walked out on me settled into my bones.
I slowly lay down on my bed, still messy and smelling of hot sex, and started to cry. I grieved the loss of Roger in my life, fully aware that my choices, and these sex clubs, had now cost me two men. I'd lost Caleb in the heat of living that life, and now Roger as well, in the aftermath.
Chapter 22
Square
I walked into my bar Friday night, on my period and with a chip on my shoulder, and running into Ashlee before I'd had my first drink didn't help.
"You are such a bitch. You know that, right? That you're a bitch? Surely you do. You can't wreak the havoc you do in people's lives and not know you're a bitch."
I stared at her blankly. Not so much shocked at the accusation, but that she'd used both the words wreak and havoc correctly in the same sentence.
"Well hello, Ashlee. I see those community college courses are paying off. To what do I owe this pleasure?"
"I know this is somehow your doing. He says it isn't, but I know it has to be."
"Yeah, probably. What are we talking about?" I gratefully took my drink from my bartender Lana, with a forced smile aimed at her 'sucks to be you' expression as she pretended not to listen to our exchange.
"Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Caleb broke up with me."
"I'm sorry Ashlee. Truly, but don't you guys break up every other week or so? Aren't you about due?"
So got flustered at that, blowing it off with a wave of her hand like it was an errant fly.
"Yeah, but I break it off. This is the first time he has. He said it has to do with a case, that he won't have time to date for a while. That's bullshit. I could tell he wasn't being honest with me. And now look at him." She said that last part while pointing in Caleb's direction with her chin, her voice full of exasperation, confusion and jealousy.
Caleb was tucked into a dark little corner table, obviously making the moves on someone who wasn't Ashlee. It looked like he was making progress. It wouldn't be long until Ashlee and I would both have to either watch Caleb make out with someone new, or pretend we weren't purposely avoiding watching Caleb make out with someone new.
Even though it wasn't any of my business, I had no intention of letting him have his fun when I was so newly separated from Roger. I turned my attention back to Ashlee.
"I had nothing to do with this, I'm almost positive." I reassured Ashlee while the quick, rogue memory of recently kissing Caleb flashed through my mind.
"Look. If Caleb's single, he's not doing anything wrong. Tasteless, maybe, and definitely cruel that soon with you here, but he's within his rights. Look, you caught me in a really shitty mood, so I'll make you a deal. If I get rid of this one woman, this one time, we are square. Got it? I won't chase everyone off for you, but I'll do this one. In return, you and I are ok. No more talking about me behind my back. No more ambushing me with your big words before I've had a drink. Nothing. We happily ignore each other forever more. We don't speak. If you see me coming one way, you turn around and go the other. Deal?"
She looked like she was going to tell me where I could stick my offer, but she glanced at Caleb one more time. I didn't follow her gaze, I watched her face instead. She did not like what she was seeing. Her face hardened with resolve and she took a deep breath, looking at me once again. "Deal. Please, hurry."
I smiled my first real smile since Roger walked out my front door, took a long, deep draw on my drink and ran my thumb roughly over my bottom lip, smearing my red lipstick for a 'been kissed long and hard' look. I tousled my hair as well to add to the effect. If I was going to act the part, I needed to look just right.
I winked at Lana as I walked away. She laughed and shook her head at me. I made a slightly wobbly bee-line toward Caleb's table, making it look like I'd been drinking a while. As I got closer, the girl Caleb was hitting on spotted me first, but I didn't even look at her. I headed straight for Caleb, sliding up to him close, and putting my arm around him.
In a loud stage whisper I said, "Hey honey, you called the sitter, right?"
Caleb stared at me in confusion.
"I'm sorry," I continued. "I don't mean to interrupt, but I didn't do it. Did you? Did you call the sitter and tell her we are going to be late tonight?"
"What are you talking about? What sitter? We don't have any kids."
"Shh, I know, and we aren't married tonight either. I've got that part, but did we let the sitter know?"
At that the girl Caleb was sitting with stood up, excusing herself. I turned to her for the first time and waved her back down. "No, no sit please. I'm leaving. I'm leaving. I just needed to ask him something. He's right. We're not married. No kids. I was... teasing. That's all. Sit, sit."
I turned back to Caleb, wiped an imaginary smudge off of his chin, and left, heading back to the bar. I never looked back to see how it went. I couldn't, I was laughing too hard.
Ashlee's eyes were wide. "What did you say? I've never seen anyone get up and leave so fast. Caleb looks pissed. He's staring over here."
"Then you might want to leave, unless you want him to know you were behind it. And remember our deal. We are square, and we don't speak."
She nodded and left quickly, a panicked look on her face. Lana said, "How'd it go?"
"Better than I even imagined, and it was fun. It felt good."
"Enjoy it fast. He's coming." She grinned over my shoulder, handing Caleb and I both another round.
"What the hell was that all about? Thank you, Lana."
"That? That was pure fun. You've caused me enough trouble, I thought I'd return the favor."
Caleb chuckled deeply. "If you were a guy, I'd take you outside and kick your ass about now. I'm tempted to do it anyway. I've never been cock blocked by a woman before. You know, if I didn't know better, I'd think you've still got a thing for me."
"Get over yourself Caleb. I did."
"Wher
e's Roger? He should really keep a tighter leash on you. I doubt he enjoyed watching that little show."
I dropped my eyes to my drink at that, drawing smoothly on my straw.
"Oh, sorry. Trouble in paradise, I take it?"
"We broke up."
I felt Caleb nod beside me. "I see. I'm sorry. It seems to be going around. Ashlee and I broke up, too."
It was my turn to nod. The silence stretched uncomfortably.
"I'm really sorry about..." Caleb started.
"So, have you heard anything about..." I asked at the same time.
"No, you. Go ahead. Have I heard anything about?"
"Jessica."
"No. Nothing. I take it you haven't gotten any phone calls either? I thought it might be you, since the women control things in that scene. It's only been a week though. A week tomorrow."
"Yeah, I'm aware."
Silence again. Then Caleb said quietly, "I guess you told Roger? You always were too honest for your own good. The guilt get to you?"
"Yes. I can't stand a dishonest, one sided relationship. It's not fair. I can't hide things, Caleb. You know that."
"He didn't take it well?"
"No. He said he was looking for simple, and this was complicated. I'm too complicated."
"Then he's a stupid man. Complicated is where it's at. Complicated is worth fighting for. Look at Ashlee, she's the definition of simple. I'd take complicated any day."
"Why did you two split?"
"Honestly? She's boring. She's simple. She's not complicated at all. I got another taste of complicated this weekend, and she just can't compete. It wasn't fair to keep her around any longer."
"Caleb, don't. We've been over this." I said, trying to stop this conversation before it started.
"She's not you, it's that simple. And that complicated."
"Damn it. Stop. You're wrong. Simple is where it's at. No secrets, no lies. Roger was right. He didn't sign up for this. I didn't either. I thought I could go back to having a normal relationship again. An easy one. Maybe even one with a future. Then you show up with your picture of Jessica and complicate my life all over again."
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