The Lying, the Witch, and the Werewolf (Down & Dirty Supernatural Cleaning Services Book 4)

by Kate Karyus Quinn

  “It is a sexy fun times cult,” I assure them, before they try to convince me not to go. “Nico’s already looked into it and he wouldn’t send me anywhere that I’d be in actual danger. And Seraphina had lots of problems; she needed to leave her past behind. She was very introverted, scared of a lot of things. At the time, it seemed to really help her, so no, I’m not overly worried about going in there.”

  “Well, that’s not exactly a proof of safety,” Darron says, now scrolling through Shauna’s phone. “And did you know about this?” He turns the screen so I can see, revealing a badly photoshopped picture of a Dalmanther wearing a crown on his head.

  “Apparently they revere Dalmanthers,” Darron says, reading aloud to me. “A direct result of inter-species love, the Dalmanther represents the epitome of what can be accomplished when we acknowledge our animal drives—and act on them.”

  I snatch the phone from him. “They’re not dog-fuckers, are they?”

  Beside me, Shit lets out a high-pitched whine.

  “No, quite the opposite,” Darron assures me. “I think a Dalmanther in the Together We Come commune would be as safe as a cow in India.”

  “Holy cow!” Shauna shouts, her wings fluttering in her excitement and she rises a few feet into the air. “You can bring Shit with you!”

  “Oh no, I think he should stay here…” But I see the look on Darron’s face and realize I can’t ask him to babysit Shit. He’s my responsibility and honestly, I’m the only one he really listens to.

  “Can I bring him?” I ask.

  “Let me do some research for you, but I think yes,” Shauna says.

  Just then Shit emerges from beneath my blanket with the Thunderstick 5000.

  Darron tilts his head. “Is that a…”

  It starts to vibrate and I snatch it from Shit’s mouth, but he doesn’t want to let go, even though his entire front half is convulsing with the pulses. After playing tug of war for a full minute, he finally lets go and the thing smacks me in the face. I grab the shaft and turn, trying to get it to the off position.

  I look up at Darron and Shauna. Darron has a look of pure gleeful amusement while Shauna just looks confused.

  “If you need some alone time, Paige, you can just say,” she tells me. As if that would ever work in a million years.

  “Come on, sweetie.” Darron takes her by the shoulders and pulls her toward the door. “I think Paige needs some R&R.”

  “Okay, I’ll do some research. When you’re done going to town on yourself, come downstairs, Paige. Darron made some sugar-free sugar cookies.”

  I make a squeaking noise and throw the vibrator across the room. It hits the wall and turns back on. Of course it does. I bury myself under my covers. Shit dives for the Thunderstick, apparently mistaking it for yet another supposedly-indestructible dog toy that I’ve bought for him. I have to admit, so far the vibrator is standing up to his affections way longer than anything else has.

  “Shit! No!” I yell, and—like the good doggy I know he wants to be—he finally listens. Shit jumps onto my bed, putting his head on mine, trying to make me feel better.

  Cuddling my puppy isn’t going to solve my frustration, though.

  The vibrator echoes across the room.

  And if I’m being honest, neither will my Thunderstick.

  5

  My phone chimes interrupting my puppy snuggle time. It’s Nico.

  I’ll meet you at yours tomorrow at noon. Should get you there in time for the afternoon shuttle that takes newbies to the site.

  Typical Nico. Ordering instead of asking, does that work for you?

  I text him back a raised middle finger.

  Next I send a text to McGinnis. Hey! I type, I’ve got to go out of town tomorrow. Sudden trip. I should be back next week for our meet up.

  We have a weekly standing lunch appointment. We drink coffee, eat donuts, and strategize how to catch the vampire serial killer. It’s become an obsession with McGinnis, not surprisingly since he himself was kidnapped by VSK, and only managed to escape by the skin of his teeth. He’s been on leave because of his busted foot and doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to get back to the force. He says getting VSK is all he cares about right now. I probably shouldn’t encourage him; he’s starting to get this sorta manic gleam in his eyes. But I want to catch the bastard too.

  His reply comes a minute later. Everything okay?

  Typical McGinnis. He worries about me. Sometimes a little too much. I don’t want him giving me a lecture about the dangers of going undercover in a cult, so I tell a little white lie.

  Yep! Going for a few days at a spa. Figure I could use some de-stressing.

  That’s great, Kiddo, McGinnis answers. Have fun and see ya next week!

  When I finally make it downstairs it’s evening and Darron and Shauna are fighting.

  “It’s disloyal!” Shauna screams. She’s really in his face.

  “What is going on here?” I ask. Shit runs past me and barks at them, running around their legs, and glancing at me for permission to do more. He does not like the energy in the room and neither do I—but I’m not going to give the nod that means someone loses their face, either.

  “Oh, look who took a break from masturbating long enough to grace us with her presence,” Shauna turns her ire on me.

  “I wasn’t just…” I sigh and put my hands on my hips. “Shit, heel,” I command and he begrudgingly stops barking and slinks to my side.

  “Ignore her,” Darron tells me. He’s dressed sharp, which is pretty much standard for him. Right now he’s very masculine, in a slim cut suit, black but with a bright blue pocket square for a pop of color. He really is a silver fox.

  “Darron is a despicable, disloyal, unfaithful, cheating…poop head,” she sputters.

  “What did you do to her?” I ask him.

  “Nothing!” He throws up his hands. “She asked where I was going so I told her I have a date…”

  “You do?!” I ask, my eyes widening. Darron’s wife disappeared in the Great Ghosting nearly three years ago. So far as I know this is his first foray back into the dating scene. “Congrats. That’s really huge. And great.”

  “It is NOT great!” Shauna stamps her foot. “He’s married!”

  I look at Darron, really feeling for him. “It’s a huge step for Darron to get back out there,” I tell Shauna. “We should be supportive.”

  She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “Unless you and your wife are polyamorous, it’s cheating.” She opens her eyes and glares at Darron. “Are you guys poly?”

  “No,” Darron admits, “but honey, not everyone thinks about the Ghosting the way you do. I think Lorelai is gone. And she’s not coming back.” I can see how much it pains him to say it. I really feel for him and the huge leap he’s taking by putting himself out there—but he’s made a slip. If he’s going to believe that his wife is gone, that implies that he thinks Shauna’s is, too.

  “Tina is not gone,” Shauna says, her face going stony. “You may wish that your wife is dead, but mine is coming back.”

  “I wish I had your faith,” Darron tells her, his tone cool. “But my wife wouldn’t want me to be alone for the rest of my life.”

  Shauna deflates and collapses onto the chair. “Whatever. Go out. Be a whore. I don’t care.”

  “Don’t slut-shame Darron.” I go to the chair and kneel next to her. “This is huge for him. You’re making it about you,” I tell her. “How many times has he supported you when you needed it? How many times has he been there for you?”

  I’m trying to shame her into not being a total dick, but she just shrugs and then begrudgingly says, “Sorry, I guess.”

  I pull Shit up and place the Dalmanther on Shauna’s lap. “Here, cuddle him until you feel better.” She gives him a squeeze and Shit makes a wheezing noise with the pressure of her hug, but licks her face. He’s a good boy. He knows she needs him right now.

  I walk Darron to the door. “Don’t pay attention to Shauna
. She’s...intense.” I remember my convo from earlier with the vampires. “Vampires are very loyal to their spouses And Shauna is a hybrid.”

  “Maybe I am being disloyal,” he says, the ramrod strength of his spine evaporating once he’s no longer in Shauna’s sight. “Maybe I should cancel.”

  “Don’t you dare!” I tell him. “At least not because of Shauna. It’s Shauna, she doesn’t know her ass from her elbow, and she’s selfish by nature. That’s her fae side. She sees you moving on, and she can’t. This has nothing to do with you, or how you’re leading your life. This is all about her not having one without Tina in it.”

  He laughs nervously. “It might be moot anyway. I met this woman at my job, so she’s never seen me as femme, not that I keep it a secret.” Darron works as a lifeguard at an elderly living community. He mostly wears his bathing suit/lifeguard shirt combo to work, which shows off his excellent physique. A pair of high heels and ass-rise leggings does too, but apparently this woman hasn’t learned that yet.

  “She’s one of the nurses there. I've dropped a few hints, told her I was gender-fluid, but I’m not sure she really gets it. Tonight I’m going to take her to a drag club I like. Show her the world. Make it clear that’s who I am. If it goes well, for our second date, I’ll be dressing as a woman.” He laughs shakily, and my heart squeezes. Usually Darron is the most confident and self-possessed person I know. “I met my wife when I was in drag, so it was never an issue. She loved me for who I was—all of me. This woman…I don’t know what will happen when I’m my true self with her. She might run for the hills.”

  “Not if she has any sense!” I tell him. “I’ll calm Shauna down, let her know she was out of line. You, go have fun,” I order.

  He smiles nervously. “How do I look?”

  “Hot as hell!” I assure him.

  Pushing his shoulders back, Darron lifts his head high. Then he ruins the image by gulping. “Let’s see if any of my moves still work,” he says and sashays out the door.

  I go back to Shauna, hand on hips. “I’m very disappointed in you…” I start to lecture, but she breaks down into sobs and I feel like a total jerk.

  “I’m sorry!” I say. “I know it’s tough for you.”

  She sniffles and Shit licks the tears off her face. “It’s just so hard to be clean and not have Tina around and not even eat any sugar or anything. Life is so boring. I can’t even take a nap because I can’t sleep without a hit of beauty.” She sobs some more and I fetch her a sugar-free jawbreaker. She rolls it around her mouth until she calms down. Darron and I used to sneak her sugar to calm her down, but she’s way past that now. The jawbreaker is well and truly sugar-free, and Shauna knows it. Sometimes it’s just the hint of doing something from her old life that helps ease her past the bumps in her new one.

  “Thanks,” she tells me with a last sniffle. She wipes her arm across her nose. “Paige, I’ve been keeping something from you. I think you need to see it now, though.”

  “What is it? Are you hitting the beauty again?” I ask. Darron and I have done our best to help Shauna out of her addictions—human beauty and sugar. It was a struggle, but as with all addictions, I didn't expect it to be a one and done. Most of her motivation for coming clean was to be able to help raise her nephew, and even though she sees him several times a week, I know Shauna has a hard time focusing on the reward when it’s not directly right in front of her. At those times, I could totally see her remembering why the reward is even worth all the deprivation. Much like shit, relapses happen.

  “Whatever it is, we’ll work it out,” I assure her.

  “No...it’s not about me.” Shauna stands and Shit leaps into my arms. She retrieves her laptop and opens it. “I’m here for you,” she tells me as she presses play.

  “Thanks but…” What I was going to say was, I don’t think my life could get any worse. Then I realize I’m watching a wedding video. The bride is beautiful in a slim fit hip hugging number that only someone with the body of a supermodel could pull off. Her red hair is cropped short in a pixie, but it works for her, highlighting her delicate features. “Is that…?”

  “Yeah, Brent and Giselle got married last month.”

  I grind my teeth as the video plays on. Giselle looks so happy. And Brent...he’s perfect in his tux.

  That could’ve been me. And even though Brent tried to kill me—and is a total ass slinger— there’s a part of me that wishes it was me. Not because I want Brent, or even another wedding day (one was enough thank you very much). But I want the way that I felt back when he and I were together. Like my life was under control. Like the worst was already behind me.

  I slam the computer closed. “You should have told me,” I say.

  “I know...but I wanted to wait until you seemed better...about Liam.”

  “And now is the time?” I ask, incredulous.

  “Well, no, but there’s a second part to this and I think it will make you feel better.”

  “Like, you just gave me the bad news first and now I get the good news?” I ask.

  Shauna beams. “Now I give you a present!”

  She pops into her pixie form and flits away down the hallway, Shit running after her, trying to catch her in the air. Luckily for her, she’s faster than him—but just barely. If he ever went after her before she had her morning coffee, I don’t know if Shauna would still be in our lives. Seconds later, she’s back with a wrapped box that Shit tries to steal and destroy.

  “No!” I tell him and he lets go, and gives me the chastised puppy eyes that make me want to melt. I shake the box. It’s light and there’s a rasping noise.

  “Did you notice anything about Giselle?” Shauna asks.

  “You mean her perfect figure, her couture dress, her beautiful hair?”

  At the mention of Giselle’s hair, Shauna smirks. “Why did she cut her hair?” I ask. “I mean, she still looks great but she was always so proud of her long red locks. And they would have been beautiful cascading down the back of that dress…” My voice fades out as the wedding reel replays in my mind, dammit.

  Shauna is practically bursting now, so I open the present. Inside the box is a braid of red hair. I pick it up, and understanding dawns.

  “You did not cut her hair?”

  “I did!” she screeches. “I shaved that bitch’s head!” She shifts to her pixie form and flies around the room excitedly.

  “How?” I ask. Brent had a spell put on him so Shauna couldn’t touch him or even get near him. After she found out Brent murdered her brother, Kit, it was the only thing that kept her from killing him.

  “Well, I found out that protective spell doesn’t apply to Giselle. Normally I wouldn’t want to mess with a woman just because she’s dating a bad dude, but she’s definitely not an innocent bystander.”

  “How…?” I ask.

  “Well, three months ago Giselle booked her hair appointment for her wedding day.”

  “And you knew this how?”

  “Look, let me tell the story!”

  I throw up my hands in defeat and she continues. “When Hepa put that BM tracker on Brent it got me thinking about revenge. So I had her work up some more spying devices. I can’t go near Brent, but Giselle...he left her ass hanging out in the wind. I followed her for a while, noted where she often goes, put a few magical devices here and there and then waited for my chance.”

  She rubs her hands together in evil glee.

  “When Giselle was having her rehearsal hair appointment to play with styles, I shrunk down to pixie form and crawled through the vents of the salon. Then I dive bombed out of the vent, grabbed a pair of scissors, and slashed her hair before anyone knew what was happening.” She stands up and makes a triumphant yell.

  I shake my head, dropping the braid back into the box. “Honestly, I don’t know whether to be horrified or impressed,” I tell her. “What am I supposed to do with this?” I motion at the hair.

  “I dunno. Mount it on the wall. Burn it. Give it to a witc
h and put a hex on that bitch. It’s up to you.”

  I laugh. “It does make me feel better,” I tell her. “About the wedding.”

  She grins. “Good. I needed this too, honestly.”

  I nod, pushing the box with Giselle’s braid aside. “I know you’re hurting and miss Tina, but you can’t take it out on Darron.”

  She shrugs, not ready to let go of her anger all the way. “Wanna see what I found out about Together We Come?” she asks.

  “Yes!” Shauna is great at research, like a terrier with something small in its mouth. She’ll either kill it or shred it, but either way, she gets to the juicy middle. “First you’ll want to invest in a good butt plug. I saw your vibrator and that’s top notch, so I know you have good taste in sex toys. You probably want to stretch your vag since it’s been a while. How big was Liam’s penis?”

  I rub my face and sigh. “It’s going to be a long, hard night, isn’t it?”

  Shauna bursts out with, “That’s what she said!” and nearly topples over laughing.

  “You’re an idiot,” I tell her fondly.

  “Awww, love you too, Paige,” she tells me sweetly. “Now about those butt plugs…”

  6

  It’s late by the time I get to bed and I’m exhausted. But at least my bag is packed and I’m ready to go. I climb into bed, hoping that tonight my dreams will be full of sex cult shenanigans. Instead the same old nightmares find me.

  It’s Liam. The way I found him in his apartment. Near death and begging me to let him die.

  “Please, Paige,” he says. “I’d rather be dead than become a vampire.”

  And then, just like it happened in real life, I ignore him and plunge the needle full of vampire venom into his chest. Almost immediately, he goes still and then white as marble.

  “Liam.” Dream me touches his cheek. It’s cold. “Liam!” I shake him, unable to tell if he’s dead...or undead.

  Suddenly his eyes fly open and he lunges forward, fangs flashing as they sink into my neck.