First Love (Love Nibbles Book 2)

by Dee, Bonnie

  “What’s the matter? You look sad.” Joe looked at her and rested a hand on her stomach. “Are you okay? Did it hurt too much?”

  “No. It really didn’t. I was thinking about when...” She suddenly choked and had to wipe away tears.

  He sat up and gazed at her, frowning. “What’s wrong?”

  She controlled her voice and looked at him with unwavering eyes. “You know this can’t last. It’s impossible.”

  “It doesn’t have to be. We have choices, things we can do.”

  “What can we do? Fly in the face of our families? I would be shunned, perhaps not right away. They would give me a chance to repent and to pledge myself to our faith, to be baptized at last. But if I chose to be with you instead…” She shuddered. “Eventually they would have to turn their backs to me. I would be a ghost, dead to them until I was ready to confess my sin publicly and change my ways. I would no longer have my family.”

  His brow furrowed even deeper. “That’s nuts. And I though we Catholics were bad.”

  That stung. “I suppose your parents would welcome me with open arms?”

  Joe’s gaze slid away. “No. I guess not.”

  “You see? I’m telling you it’s impossible for us to be together.”

  He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. “Unless we went away. We could go someplace new like we talked about? Live the way we want to. We’re both of age. We could start over anyplace we chose.”

  His hopeful tone sounded like Mattie making big plans that would never come true. It made her feel suddenly older and wiser than Joe because she had the cynicism to see through those daydreams. But she didn’t want to ruin their brief time together so she didn’t answer. She reached to cup his cheek in her palm. “Let’s not worry about it now. Not yet.”

  He kissed her and held her close, crushing her to him despite the heat. They slept together in his quiet room under the eaves, lulled by the drone of the useless fan.

  Chapter Ten

  At home, Rachael opened and closed the squeaky screen door carefully. It was a little after midnight on the kitchen clock. She walked softly toward the living room, hoping her parents were already asleep so she could slip upstairs unnoticed.

  Her mother waited in her armchair, darning socks by the light of the kerosene lamp. She lowered her work and gazed at Rachael, who froze in the doorway.

  “We don’t mind if you want to see Amos Beiler and go riding with him. But you must let us know where you are so we don’t worry, and we must set some guidelines about how late you may stay out,” she said calmly.

  “Yes, Mother.”

  She stuck the darning needle into the sock with a sharp thrust. “Many girls and boys go a little wild at your age, Rachael. But you don’t want to get yourself in trouble. Be smart and rein in your behavior. I believe you know the sort of behavior I mean. Now good night.”

  Rachael climbed the stairs to bed. Her elation over her evening with Joe rapidly deflated from her mother’s sharp reprimand. Guilt was a heavy counterweight to love.

  *

  After dinner the following night, Rachael washed dishes faster than she ever had in her life. There were only the four of them home tonight. Daniel was off with Lida. Wiping out the sink, Rachael said to Mattie, still facing a rack of wet dishes, “I’m going on a walk but not for so long tonight. I’ll be back soon.”

  “You promised to play with me tonight, that we’d hunt fireflies together. You’re never here any more. It’s not fair.” Mattie threw her dishtowel on the counter. “Why don’t you help me with the drying then we can walk together?”

  “You’ll understand when you’re older. I need time alone these days. Lots of time alone.” Rachael started for the door. “Play with your kittens in the loft and I promise I’ll help you finish sewing that dress for your doll when I get back.”

  When she arrived at Joe’s, she felt much more confident than the previous night. She knew what to expect now. The thing men and women did together was no longer a mystery.

  But Joe managed to surprise her again. When he opened the door, jazzy music blared in the background. He grabbed her hand, pulled her into the house and twirled her around. “Dance lesson. We’re going to rock around the clock.”

  He threw her out and pulled her back into his arms, then took her by one hand and spun her around underneath one of his arms. He didn’t give her time to worry about being clumsy as he led her through the steps of the wild dance. The man on the radio sang, Gonna rock, gonna rock around the clock tonight and when the song ended, Rachael was draped over Joe’s arm, looking up at the ceiling and panting for breath.

  He righted her and gave her a big kiss. “Do you like dancing?”

  “Wonderful,” she gasped. “Better than...” She indicated Joe’s room upstairs with a jerk of her head.

  “Hey!”

  She laughed and threw both arms around his neck. “Just joking. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t mind lying down for a while right now.”

  He gave her a peck on the lips. “Don’t tempt me. But dancing first. We have all evening to spend together.”

  “Actually, we don’t. I’m sorry. But at home it’s getting difficult to get away. My mother is beginning to notice. I can only stay for a little while tonight.”

  He frowned but nodded. “I’ll take what I can get.” He began to sway her back and forth to the slow, dreamy song that followed “Rock Around the Clock.” Rachael recognized the melody from their first date and from Joe humming it to her. Only you can make this world seem right. Only you can make the darkness bright...

  She closed her eyes, leaned against him and shuffled back and forth around the living room floor. It felt so good being in his arms here with no one to bother them. She wished she could preserve this moment forever and store it on the shelf of her memory. She pictured a row of canned peaches and pears and a glass jar in which a tiny couple slow-danced together.

  The slow song ended and a slinky number came on with nonsense words. Be-Bop-a-Lula, she’s my baby. Be-Bop-a-Lula, don’t mean maybe.

  Joe turned Rachael around so her back was to him. He clasped her waist and her hand and showed her how to sway to the sensual beat. She felt every inch of his body pressed against hers, especially his erection which prodded her back side. Arousal flared inside her, making her movements as slow and sexual as his as she rested her head against his chest and moved with him. In the middle of the song he turned her to face him and they continued to rock along with the music as they kissed.

  All of a sudden, someone pounded on the front door, a hard thumping and a muffled yell that sounded either angry or panicked.

  Rachael leaped away from Joe as if she’d been scalded and tried to decide if she should hide or run out through the back door.

  “Wait in the dining room. I’ll get rid of whoever it is.” As Rachael hurried to obey, Joe called softly. “Don’t leave.”

  She pressed against the wall by the archway leading to the living room and listened to Joe answer the door. She didn’t think it was possible for her heart to beat any harder without breaking through her rib cage, but when she heard her father’s raised voice speaking to Joe, she nearly fainted. “I need a ride to the doctor. Will you take us?”

  “What happened?” Joe asked.

  “My little one fell from the loft. She’s unconscious.”

  “Is anything broken? Maybe we should we call an ambulance? We don’t want to make anything worse by moving her.”

  “I don’t know. I only know we must have a doctor.”

  Her father had never sounded so indecisive and terrified. Rachael pressed a hand over her mouth. She’d told Mattie to go play in the loft with those kittens and now she’d fallen and perhaps broken her neck.

  “It would take too long for the ambulance to come anyway. We’ll just be careful when we move her. I’ll get my keys.” Joe’s voice was confident and reassuring. He sounded as if he knew exactly what to do.

  Rachael heard a jingle of keys the
n footsteps. Joe and Datt were about to walk out the door. She could wait for them to leave then run home across the fields, praying she was in time to see Mattie before they took her away. Or she could come out of hiding and join them, making sure she was by her sister’s side. What if Mattie was fatally injured and Rachael missed seeing her one last time because she was afraid of being caught?

  She stepped into the living room and called out, “Wait!”

  Joe was already halfway out the door with her father right behind him. Both of them turned. The shocked expression on her father’s face made her shrivel up inside. “Rachael?”

  Joe remained frozen for a moment then said calmly, “Let’s go. There’s no time to waste.”

  Rachael tried not to see Datt’s shocked face as she hurried to join them. His mouth snapped shut and without another word he strode out the door.

  *

  Later Rachael could only recall jumbled images from that night. Mattie’s stark white face, eyelashes fanned over her cheeks. Mamm’s frantic voice urging care as Datt and Joe carefully lifted Mattie on a mattress in the bed of the pickup truck. Joe drove as slowly as he could toward town, but the truck bounced over every pothole.

  The doctor came to the door of his house in his bathrobe and slippers, and had the men carry her into the exam room of his office next door. The sharp scent of disinfectant made Rachael sneeze as she held her mother’s hand and repeated over and over that everything would be all right.

  Dr. Leeland X-rayed Mattie in his infirmary and announced she had fractures in her left leg and shoulder. But what he seemed most concerned about was the blow to her head which had knocked her unconscious. The concussion could be mild or serious. Only time would tell which.

  Dr. Leeland’s nurse arrived to help set the broken bones. The family waited in hard seats in the front room. As time ticked by, no one spoke. Rachael’s parents sat with bowed heads and folded hands, praying. Rachael prayed too, but occasionally her eyes stole over to Joe leaning against the wall with his arms folded. A short time ago she’d danced in his arms, focused totally on her own selfish desires. Now she’d give anything, any of those stolen moments with him this summer, if her sister would be all right. She couldn’t rid herself of the feeling that Mattie’s injury was somehow a punishment for her misbehavior.

  The doctor came out to tell them Mattie was still sedated but they could go in and see her. Lying on the infirmary cot with the large plaster cast on her little leg, she appeared much younger than her eight years. As Rachael bent and kissed her sister’s pale cheek, she asked forgiveness for ignoring her recently and vowed to give all the attention she needed in the future.

  Mamm stayed at the doctor’s office to sleep in a bed next to Mattie. She would be there when her daughter awoke.

  Datt squeezed her hand and kissed her. “I will return in the morning. There are chores to be done at home and Daniel will be wondering what has happened.”

  Rachael realized they hadn’t taken the time to leave a note. Her brother would have returned from Lida’s to find the house empty and dark.

  “I can tend your animals if you and Rachael want to stay too.” Joe offered.

  But Datt shook his head.

  Joe held the office door open for them as Rachael and her father filed past. Rachael glanced up and their eyes met for a moment. Joe looked worried but offered her a quick smile which she couldn’t muster the strength to return.

  The ride home was silent. They reached the farm in the early hours of the new day. “I’m glad Mattie’s going to be all right,” Joe said as he pulled into their drive.

  “Thank you for the ride,” Datt replied curtly before closing the truck door behind them.

  Inside the house, he faced Rachael with eyes too stern and cold for her to recognize him as her gentle father. “We will discuss this tomorrow.”

  Rachael nodded. Her stomach twisted in knots of guilt and shame. Nothing would ever be the same between them again. Even if she asked forgiveness and never saw Joe again, her world had changed. And as much as she’d longed for change, she now wished her life back to the way it had always been.

  Chapter Eleven

  “Will you confess your sin, Rachael? Will you ask the congregation’s and the Lord’s forgiveness for your transgression?” Preacher Lapp glared at her, his voice quavering with passion. His beard wagged as his jaw clenched.

  Rachael wished Deacon Braden would do the talking. She glanced at the tall, gray-eyed man sitting beside fiery Preacher Lapp. Matthew Braden was a soft-spoken, reasonable man. She guessed he would have handled the matter more delicately without demanding a public confession from her.

  “No, I will not confess,” she answered calmly. “I have not yet joined the church. I am not a member. If I have any apologies to make, they will be to my own family and to God, no one else.” She kept her spine ramrod straight as she sat across from the two men.

  If her father’s cold manner and her mother’s shocked disappointment over the past days hadn’t moved her, Lapp certainly wouldn’t. The man only made her angry. She couldn’t believe her father had called the church into this very personal family matter.

  “Rachael,” Deacon Braden said, “We will give you some time to pray on this and we will pray for you as well. Perhaps your heart will be moved to do as Preacher Lapp suggests.”

  He rose to leave their home. Preacher Lapp looked like he had more scolding in him, but he bit it back and followed.

  After Mamm had closed the door behind them, she gave Rachael another heartbroken look. Her expression of sorrow had been more effective at first, but now it only annoyed and frustrated Rachael. How many more ways could she apologize for this?

  She stood and walked past her mother to go upstairs, but there was no solitude in her room. Mattie lay propped up in bed looking at a book. She closed it when Rachael came in.

  “What’s going on? Why is everybody so mad, Rachael? Why were the elders here? Is it because I fell—because we rode into town in a truck? I wish I’d been awake to enjoy the ride. It’d be like flying to go so fast.”

  Rachael sat on her side of the bed, carefully so she wouldn’t jar Mattie. “This has nothing to do with you. It’s complicated. You’re too young to understand.”

  Her sister scowled. “I’m not stupid. Explain it to me. What’s happening?”

  Rachael exhaled slowly then gave in. “I’ve been seeing our neighbor Joe.”

  Mattie’s scowl turned to a frown of puzzlement. “So have I. All the time we were haying. So what?”

  “I’ve been seeing him like a boyfriend.”

  Her eyes went wide. “But he’s ... not Amish!”

  Rachael’s mouth twisted in a grim smile. “That is the problem.”

  “Oh my! No wonder Mamm and Datt are so angry.” Mattie tried to sit, grimaced and relaxed against the pillows again. “Did you”—she whispered—“kiss him?”

  “Yes.” A flood of images poured through her mind, breaking through the dam she’d built to keep them contained. Joe’s mouth, his eyes, his hands and body, his voice and smell and every detail of him assaulted her. “Yes, I kissed him.”

  Mattie blinked as if a math problem finally made sense. “That’s why you went walking alone all the time. Are you going to marry him?”

  “Good heavens, no, Mattie. That’s impossible. You know that.”

  “But you’re in love, right? I mean, you let him kiss you so you must be.”

  Rachael would have smiled at her sister’s simple equation if the words didn’t hurt so much. “I don’t know.”

  Mattie frowned again. “But if you marry him you wouldn’t live here anymore. You wouldn’t even be able to come visit could you? I’d miss you.”

  Rachael fought back tears. She imagined never being around her sister or brother, her parents or any of her relatives ever again. It would be an impossible price to pay. She should simply bow to Lapp’s request, make her confession and wipe her slate clean.

  And perhaps it was ti
me she was baptized. As Ruth had said, a person reached a point where they needed to grow up and put away childish daydreams.

  *

  “Mr. Yoder, I’ve come to apologize for sneaking around and seeing your daughter behind your back.”

  Rachael stood near the open window, tapping her hand nervously against her leg as she listened to Joe talking to her father out in the yard. Over a week had passed since the night of Mattie’s accident. She’d forgotten how the mere sound of Joe’s voice affected her. She could barely breathe and her feet wanted to fly out the door to him.

  “I hear your apology. You are forgiven. Now there is no more to be said so please go.”

  “Excuse me, sir, I wasn’t finished. I’m not sorry for seeing Rachael. I’m sorry for hiding it.” Joe said firmly. “I’m here to ask you now if I can continue courting her.”

  Rachael’s soul ached at the sincerity in his voice. Joe didn’t know that her heart had changed. Time apart and relentless pressure from her family had re-shaped it.

  “No, you may not,” Datt answered flatly.

  Joe pushed on. “I know someone from outside your religion is unacceptable, but I love your daughter and I don’t think religion should come between people who love each other.”

  “My answer is no, and Rachael’s is too. She will make her confession on Sunday and asked forgiveness for breaking our church law. She wishes to put all of this behind her and she will not see you again.”

  There was a long pause before Joe said, “I don’t believe you. You’re keeping her from me.”

  “Ask her.” Her father opened the door, stepped inside and beckoned her. “Come Rachael.”

  She was choking. He couldn’t expect her to actually face Joe and tell him to leave. “Datt, I can’t…”

  “Come!”

  Slowly she followed him out to the porch. Joe stood in the yard, the sun shining on his hair and reflecting from his eyes making them a more brilliant green than ever. He gazed at her with a look that nearly broke her heart, intense longing and sorrow and fear all mingled together.