The Sound of Your Heart

by Laura Ward

  His chuckle was deep and somehow soothing. “We’re both freaked out. Good to know.”

  I let out the breath I was holding caused by his sudden grip on my hands. “Appears so.” I pulled my hands out from under his and pushed the carryout coffee toward him. “Got you a coffee. Black. I figured all rock stars drink their coffee strong and straight.”

  He nodded, pulling the top off the cup and allowing the steam to escape. He took a drink and I watched his Adam’s apple bob in his throat as he swallowed.

  He wrapped his hands around the paper cup. “Julie, I’m a guy with very little finesse. Let’s just lay the situation here on the table.” His gaze locked on mine, steady and unflinching. “Why are you contacting me now after all this time? What is it you want from me?”

  “What the hell?” As soon as the question escaped from my lips, I flinched inwardly. That one was supposed to stay in my head. I reached up to rub my lips as if that could erase the words I’d said.

  My cheeks were flushed, but not from embarrassment. I was pissed. This guy had some nerve. Just because he sent Nikki money, that didn’t mean he could write me off. I deserved to know why he left without even a backward glance. He’d made no effort to contact me or get to know me and I was entitled to an explanation. He had no right to be irritated that I’d contacted him. Especially since he’d given me the impression that he wanted to meet me too.

  “I think answers are the least that I deserve from you,” I told him. “I’ve waited long enough to know your side of the story.” That burn that was behind my eyes and in my throat had moved to the rest of my body.

  Jed’s eyebrows joined together into one, and he folded his hands on top of the table. “You do know I’ve been trying to meet up with you for years, right? Twenty-one to be exact.”

  I took a deep breath and tilted my head in disbelief. “You’ve got to be shitting me. ‘Cause I didn’t even know who you were until I broke into Nikki’s house and found my birth certificate. My whole life she told me I was adopted.” My heart beat so fiercely in my chest that I was afraid it would break me apart. “Do you have any idea—?”

  Jed held up one finger, halting my words. He closed his eyes and used that same extended finger to rub his right temple. “Tell me exactly what Nikki told you. Don’t leave anything out…not one thing.” He bit his words out, his anger filling the space around us and making me nervous again.

  For the next thirty minutes, I gave him every last, dirty detail of Nikki’s lies. As I did, his rage became more and more evident, which surprised me. I just assumed he knew everything. Or else didn’t care.

  His folded hands were now in fists, clenched so tight that the skin around his knuckles was white. “You mean to tell me that you’ve spent your entire life thinking you were adopted and that your adopted father left you? Why would she tell you that?”

  I rolled my eyes. “I asked her the same damn thing. She told me that when you two broke up, she didn’t want to appear like a pathetic single mom. She thought it would look better for her if she was the generous, loving, woman who chose to adopt the unwanted baby.”

  “Holy shit.” He sat back in his chair, rubbing the stubble on his jaw. “She’s fucking demented.”

  “An understatement if you ask me.” I hadn’t even told him about how she took me to bars to troll for men. If the current state of his fists was any indication, he might stroke out if he heard that part. Keeping that nugget to myself seemed smart at this juncture.

  “And even as you got older, she never told you about me?” I shook my head in response. “You only recently learned my true identity?” His voice got sharper, colder.

  I nodded. “The day I emailed you.”

  Jed’s eyes narrowed. “You had no idea I’ve been sending money to take care of you?”

  I shook my head. “Not until she accidentally revealed it a few weeks ago. I knew you sent alimony money to her, but that’s it.”

  “What about the letters I’ve written to you over the years? She never told you that I begged to see you?”

  This time I just stared.

  He huffed and shook his head, running his hand back through his hair like he might rip it out. “That bitch told me that it was your decision. That you hated me. She said that you had no interest in meeting me or having a relationship with me.” His voice cracked. “That’s not true?”

  He wanted to see me? He wanted to be part of my life?

  Tears welled up in my eyes and streaked down my face in slivers of grief and fury as I ached. I ached for my innocence. I ached for the lies I was told. I ached for the lost time.

  No. Not lost time. Stolen time.

  I could have known my father. I could have had one person in my life who wanted to have me around. I could have had a man who loved me, just for me. Until Ben, I had never had that. That loss had never seemed as huge as it did now. When the possibility of everything I’d lost was in front of me.

  Jed reached out and clasped my hands in his. “I hate that she did this to you—that I let her do this to us. When I met her, I was young and married. I was on the road all the time. I got caught up in the rock star lifestyle and made stupid mistakes.” He shook his head and muttered, “Stupid, shitty mistakes.”

  He took a deep breath and when he looked at me, I could see the guilt in his eyes. “Even though I loved my wife, I had affairs when I was out on the road. Nikki was one of them and when she got pregnant, she wanted more than I was willing to give her. But even though I didn’t want a relationship with Nikki, I still wanted you.”

  I bit my lip and he squeezed my hand.

  “I was on tour all the time and living clear across the country, but Nikki promised me that she would raise you right and that I would get to see you whenever I wanted. I let her have full custody because I was in no position to raise you myself. I lived on buses and in hotels. That was no place for a child. Plus, I had a wife. It’s not like I could take you from your mother and have a stranger raise you while I was on the road all the time.”

  Inwardly, I cringed at the idea of Jed’s wife taking care of his love child.

  “At first, it was fine. I saw you when I was in town, but then Nikki started making demands. I could only see you if I gave her more money. If I stayed with her. Slept with her. Married her.”

  He looked down at the table, shaking his head. “The demands increased. When I made it clear that she would never have any of that from me, Nikki cut off all contact. She said that it wasn’t fair to you to only have me some of the time. She told me that if I wanted the role of dad, I needed to be full-time. And as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t be that for you. It was true. It wasn’t fair for you to have a dad that was never around. My life was in LA and I was on the road all of the time.”

  He took a deep breath and released it. “I’m embarrassed by the choices I made. I was young and did everything wrong when it came to you. When Nikki threatened to go public about my affair with her, I was only too happy to pay her off to keep her quiet. I was terrified of losing my wife and kids.”

  He looked up to meet my eyes, his expression one of shame. “I know...I know that’s the last thing you want to hear. That I had a family and left you with Nikki. I wanted you, and yet I was scared to do the right thing. Instead, I took the easy way out.”

  My heart was nothing but a mangled mess of mush in my chest. I didn’t even know how to process everything he was telling me.

  He held my gaze. “I wish I had chosen differently. Selfishly I told myself that Nikki would find someone who would fill my role and that you would be better off without me. I wanted you to have the father you deserved, even if it wasn’t me. As you got older and I realized that I’d made the wrong choice, I called and wrote letters, asking Nikki to change her mind and let me be a part of your life, no matter how small that part might be. By then you were old enough to make your own decisions and she told me you had no desire to see me, and that she wouldn’t force you to.”

  I shook my
head. I had no words. Only tears. “But that wasn’t true. I never even knew about you. Why would a daughter not want to know her father? Why didn’t you fight her on it?”

  His shoulders slumped. “I guess it made sense to me at the time...that you wouldn’t want to be close to someone who was always leaving. Someone who was constantly missing the big and little moments of your life. I was trying to do what was best for you.” His eyes still held mine, begging me to understand.

  “You should have tried harder,” I accused in a quiet voice, pulling my hands from his. “Because growing up with Nikki, thinking I was adopted, never knowing you...that was not what was best for me.”

  He nodded, guilt visible in every line of his expression. “I didn’t know. I didn’t realize how she was treating you. But I’m going to make this right. I’m going to fix this.” Jed’s voice lowered, and his tone was soft. “Anything you want to know, I’ll tell you. Anything you want from me, it’s yours. I’d like to get to know you, to have a relationship. But that’s up to you. I know this is a lot to process. I...”

  He rubbed his forehead, his expression carved in regret, as if he had a million things to say and couldn’t figure out what I needed to hear first. His gaze burrowed into me, begging me to help him find the right words.

  Before I could process the overwhelming urge that was forcing me to my feet, I rounded the table and threw myself into his arms. We hugged for what felt like an eternity and at the same time, a mere instant.

  But the possibility was there. For love. For family. For a father. For something more than I’d ever had.

  ***

  “You were right.” I peeked my head around the door of Lex’s room. She sat cross-legged on her bed, her laptop open in front of her, a pencil behind one ear.

  “I’m always right. About what this time?” Since reuniting with Liam, she was so much happier. Even though she had recently lost her father, and before that her sister, Lex was allowing herself to laugh again.

  That was all thanks to the love of Liam.

  I moved into the room, closing the door behind me. My head rested against the wall. The tears, the emotion, and even the excitement of the day left me drained.

  “I met my father. You told me to hear his side of the story and it appears that you were right about that too. Nikki had lied about him not wanting to know me. She told him that I hated him and refused to see him when that was never the case.”

  Lex closed her laptop and climbed off her bed. “Oh, Jules. I’m so sorry.” She walked over to me, placing her hand on my shoulder. “What was he like?”

  I frowned, took a breath and smiled. “He seems great. He reminds me of…me. He’s rough, crass, and to the point. But he’s also pissed, and he wants to make things right. He’s got fantastic taste in clothes, again like moi, and he seems cool.”

  “He was kind to you?” Lex asked.

  I looked off to the side of her tiny room. “It’s funny. When I first saw him and I waved, he frowned. I thought he was disappointed in something about me.” I turned my focus back to her. “But as I walked home, I understood. He frowned because he walked into a coffee shop to meet his twenty-one-year-old daughter and he couldn’t pick her out on his own. He was sad.”

  Lex nodded, her mouth pinched with worry.

  “And yes, he was kind. And I feel…free. Like I was holding something back and now I’ve let it go.”

  Lex grinned and gave me a quick hug. “I’m so happy for you. Have you told Taren or Ben yet?”

  “Taren is out with Alec. I’ll fill her in tomorrow. I’m headed to Ben’s now. I figure it’s about time to dump all my skeletons on the poor guy.” I opened the door and walked into the hallway.

  “Jules?” Lex asked, stopping me. “Don’t be afraid to open up to Ben about this. For the first time since I’ve known you, you are truly connected with someone. That could be doubled shortly. Let yourself be loved. You owe yourself that.”

  Leaning forward, I kissed her cheek. My throat was too clogged to speak, so I waved before heading down the hall. I wasn’t sure if she was right, but for the first time in my life, I absolutely believed it was a possibility.

  I could be loved.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Julie

  The party was going strong at the Pi Kappa house when I showed up, which was a relief. For once I just wanted to walk through the house unseen to get to my bass boy. The brothers were too busy drinking and flirting to notice me slip in the front door and up the stairs.

  There was a time when I relished a hearty “Jules” being hollered by frat boys when I walked through a door. I used to take pride in being the life of the party and knowing that people wanted me around. But that was before Ben. Now, he was the only boy in this frat house that I wanted hollering my name. Or whispering it. Or better yet, moaning it.

  As I approached his room, I heard voices coming through the open door.

  “Jed Jacobs is only in town this weekend. We need to give our answer immediately or they’ll move on,” Nate said.

  I halted when I heard a familiar name. Jed Jacobs? How did they know Jed was in town and what did that have to do with—

  “I don’t understand why you’re balking all of a sudden,” Nate snapped, interrupting my thoughts. “We played for that agent tonight knowing that an invitation to this tour was a possibility. It was our goal. I thought it’s what we all wanted.”

  Wait. The tour they were hoping for was Jed’s? I wasn’t sure how I should feel about that.

  “I do want it,” Ben said. His voice was muffled as if his head was dropped and cradled in his hands while Nate hounded him. “I...hadn’t had a chance to think it through. Now that it’s a reality...I wasn’t expecting to ditch classes mid-semester.”

  “Classes?” Nate’s laugh was incredulous. “Dude. This is our shot. Most people don’t get this kind of opportunity. We should be jumping at the chance to open for a band like Excess Wreckage.”

  “I know. I know.” There was silence and I felt guilty for standing out in the hall like a creeper, but no way was I going to interrupt their conversation. And I definitely wasn’t waiting downstairs at the party where Phil and the rest of the Pi Kappa miscreants were. “Let me have the night to get used to the idea. Besides, I want to talk to Jules about it.”

  “Jules?” Nate said my name like it was something he’d stepped in and couldn’t wipe me off the bottom of his shoe fast enough.

  “Don’t even start,” Ben warned.

  “Fine.” Footsteps approached the door and when Nate spoke again, his voice was much closer. “But remember, don’t waste our big shot on a girl. Especially one who might be in someone else’s bed next week.”

  Fuck. I rubbed my chest. That was a really shitty thing to say, even though it was true at one time. I was too busy trying to recover from the harsh words to hear Ben’s response. When Nate slammed the door behind him as he left, I jumped in surprise.

  I lifted my eyes to meet his steely gaze.

  “How much did you hear?” he asked quietly. I could barely hear him over the noise of the party below.

  “Enough.” My arms were folded over my chest like that would somehow protect me from his insults.

  He stared at me, his expression hard. “If you care about him at all, don’t ruin this for him. It’s not just his dream you’ll be destroying if you hold him back.” He stared at me a moment longer. When I nodded in understanding, he huffed once and shook his head, as if he couldn’t believe that it was even possible that I was an issue for his band. He turned, jogged down the stairs, and got lost in the fray of the party.

  I stood outside Ben’s door for a long time, chewing on the things I’d overheard and mulling over what Nate had said. I would never try to hold Ben back or keep him from following his dreams because I wanted to be with him.

  I wasn’t Nikki.

  And I wouldn’t make the same mistakes she did.

  I waited outside Ben’s door for a few more minutes before k
nocking. After a few seconds of silence, I thought maybe he didn’t hear me over the noise of the party. Just as I was about to knock again, the door opened.

  “Jules.” My name always sounded so much prettier on his lips. He was smiling like I was the best thing to ever happen to him.

  I stepped closer. “How did you know it was me? You could have been letting in any number of hoodlums on a night like this,” I teased.

  He threaded his arms around my back, pulling me against his chest, one of his hands pressed against my shoulder and the other cupping the curve of my ass. “I can tell by your knock. You’re the only person who ever knocks like that.”

  His lips were making their way across mine and I had to lean back to ask, “How do I knock?”

  He grinned, his hand roaming lower over my ass as he pulled me into the room with him. “Like you want to give me something.”

  “And how does everyone else knock?” I held onto his arms. I loved the way his muscles moved under his skin as his hands explored my body.

  He bent his head to kiss down the side of my neck. “Like they want something from me.”

  “I hate to tell you this,” I purred. “But I definitely want something from you.”

  I felt a puff of air against my neck as he laughed quietly. “The difference is, I want to give it to you.” His words were deep and rough like he was an animal on the prowl.

  Cue my knees buckling. I was absolutely willing to let him prowl all over me.

  Once I was far enough into the room, he kicked the door shut and backed up toward his bed, still kissing and groping me. When we reached the bed, he allowed himself to fall backward onto the mattress and pulled me so that I tumbled down with him and ended up draped over his chest. I laughed as he rolled me over until I was tucked into his side between him and the wall. I leaned in to kiss him and he put his finger to my lips.