Speed of Light

by Amber Kizer

My lips felt swollen and hot. I tugged on my shirt, not worrying about a bra.

  “Sure. Yeah. We’ll be there soon,” Tens said as a single drop of sweat ran down his chest.

  I reached for my bra. “We’re going out?”

  “Juliet’s disappeared again. He’s worried. Tony wants to talk to us.”

  I nodded.

  Usually leading-man handsome, Tony was haggard and disheveled, as if he’d aged ten years in the last week. “What is she thinking?” he implored me about Juliet.

  “I wish I knew,” I answered honestly and with utter conviction.

  “She has no idea how much I’ve tried to shield her from. She doesn’t know who to trust. Who to talk to. Who to ask for help if she gets lost. It’s worse than having her as a toddler because now she’s angry and hurt and stubborn as hell. What am I doing wrong?” He wiped his mouth and took another long drought of coffee. “I thought it would get better with time, but it’s like she keeps fading further and further away from me.”

  He’s right. “I feel it too,” I said.

  “Should I have sent her north to Wolf Lake with Joi and the kids? She keeps asking about Bodie and Sema. She doesn’t believe me that they’re being kids swimming, building tree houses, and eating ice cream.”

  “She doesn’t have a reference place for normal. It’s like a foreign language,” Tens said.

  “How do I help her?” Tony repeated. His salt-and-pepper hair was uncombed and mussed.

  “Have you talked to her?”

  “Aside from letting me teach her tricks to read, she won’t speak about her mother. When I couldn’t tell her who her father was, it’s like she decided we had nothing to talk about.” He trembled and set down the mug. “She not only looks like her mother, but she’s also as closed off as Roshana was, especially in the beginning.”

  “But Roshana learned to trust you?”

  “Not enough, clearly, because if she had, I would know about Juliet’s family. I might have been able to stop Roshana from getting in that car.” His voice broke. “From dying.”

  “No, I’m sorry, but no.” Tens’s answer was harsh and direct. “You recognized Ms. Asura as the woman in the car that carried Roshana away, right?”

  “Yes.” Tony nodded. “She hasn’t aged a day, so yes, I’m certain that it was her.”

  “These Nocti are organized, vicious, and don’t hesitate to kill innocents to get what they want. If Roshana had told you who she was running from, assuming you’d believed her, you would have gone with her that day or brought in the police, correct?”

  Tony sighed. “Probably.”

  “And you’d be dead, too, and no one would have protected Juliet until she was six.” Tens made valid points.

  “They got her anyway.” Tears rolled down Tony’s cheeks.

  Tens shook his head. “You couldn’t have predicted the church’s wild-goose chase was a ploy to get you away from Juliet.”

  “If I’d taken Roshana and Juliet, we could have run somewhere safe.”

  “There is nowhere safe,” I interjected. “Life everywhere means death is everywhere—it’s unavoidable—and where there’s death, there will be Nocti and Fenestra.”

  “You have to stop feeling guilty for things you are not responsible for,” Tens said. “You have to be her parent as Roshana asked you to be.”

  “Roshana gave her life to protect Juliet and the Nocti got her anyway.” Tony blew his nose.

  “But they don’t have her now,” I whispered. At least, I hope not.

  CHAPTER 10

  Juliet

  I knew no one understood what drew me back to DG’s grounds. I couldn’t explain it, even if I’d wanted to try. It nourished me in a way that transcended physical hunger. Even though it was, as Tens said, hell on earth, it was the only place in the world where I felt a connection to my mother. It didn’t matter that Mistress was dead. That the stairwell I’d hidden under in that monstrous tornado was gone. The debris bulldozed into piles and hauled away. That the cement foundation and the old storm cellar were the only parts left. The trees that hadn’t been plucked from the earth and blended to sawdust were stripped clean down to the bone beneath the bark.

  With my eyes, I saw that DG was nothing like what I’d grown up in. The run-down mansion that hid unspeakable horror was reduced to a foundation slab—memories like spiderwebs drifted everywhere and clung to every bit of my heart. I couldn’t inhale past the pain without focusing all my energy on my lungs, my ribs. Each motion happened in thick honey, deep in cold porridge.

  I picked leaves to shreds as I stared at the land. When we’d fought her at the creek, Ms. Asura mentioned my mother. Tony thought she was connected to my mother’s abduction from his church. That the Nocti had conspired to steal me from Tony too. To raise me until they could use me on my sixteenth birthday. Tony is so sure, so convinced he knows what my life should be.

  Last February, Ms. Asura brought Kirian back here to seduce me into their company. Only thoughts, and love, for Nicole, Bodie, and Sema kept me from truly embracing what he’d offered. I’d only had them to lose. Now I had so many more people to lose. How am I supposed to do it? How do I make sure no one else hurts because of me?

  Nicole, my best friend, my confidante at DG, hadn’t been human after all; rather, she’d been an angel, a guardian to help me survive. I wrapped my fingers around the silver filigreed necklace she’d worn and mysteriously hung on my neck as she’d left. Engraved on it was a Bible quote promising guardian angels to guard and protect. She’d tried to spur me to hunt up my truth, but I’d brushed her off too many times. Wasted opportunities. But the little sips and nibbles of my history only made me hungrier to know more. I need to know my blood, my family, whatever it takes.

  Seeing Tony again brought back much of my early childhood, but I’d been so little, still a baby when she’d disappeared, that my mother never shared any of our story with me. Why is she so badly injured when I see her at the window? Who is my father? Where is he?

  I found solace by the water, along the shores of Wildcat Creek that ran through the woods behind DG. More than the house itself, I was pulled to the creek. Listening to the water roll and gurgle sounded like Mother Earth conversing with Papa Time. I pretended I could hear my mother and my father speaking in the distance as the water ran by.

  The early evening sun beat down on my shoulders and even my long blond hair warmed to the touch. I’d left it long, continued to grow it. I wasn’t strong like Meridian. I didn’t want to cut my hair off to prove I’d moved on, the way she’d hacked hers off in Revelation. She told me her stories like they were mine. We are so different. She doesn’t understand the choices I make to keep the littlies safe, giving myself to hatred to spare others. She may never understand.

  I shucked off my leather sandals, unwrapping the dirty bandage from my foot. I stayed on my toes, rolled up the cuffs of my jean capris, and waded out. Murky ick gave way to perfect sand, then small pebbles. The trees with leaves like spinach danced and fluffy white seeds sprinkled through the air like sifting flour in slow motion.

  The water sparkled and dipped in colors that ranged from the gray of moldy bread to the gold of olive oil to rich kale greens. Lime-colored grasses taller than Bodie grew in clumps along the side of the creek. Wildflowers the colors of blueberries, butter, and whipped cream helped themselves to sun and dirt and water. This is my home.

  A pair of lemon and licorice butterflies played tag with each other among grapefruit-sized dragonflies and mosquitoes. They are my family.

  A kestrel perched low above me, watching smaller birds. A blue jay and a brown squirrel fought over seeds. A family of mallard ducks swam along the edge of my vision, keeping their ducklings close and staying between us. These are my friends.

  Going out farther, I enjoyed the cold rush of water along my calves and the textures underfoot. The cut on my sole ached. Tony will scold me for getting it wet.

  This is my world. As welcoming as any kitchen. This is comfort
food for my heart.

  I worried about the littlies. There was so much change in their lives. Too much. Children were resilient until they broke. I’d seen it often enough in my time at DG. They have the family I’ve always wanted. Jealousy flared bitter on my tongue.

  My gaze was drawn toward the hole of DG’s storm cellar. I’d helped Nelli cart out boxes and storage tubs of files, some so old they were yellow and broke apart at the slightest touch. Some had mildewed and molded with the fuzz of being in an unfinished cellar for so many years.

  There’d been rumors that two teens had used the cellar for secret romantic meetings. At least that’s the reason Mistress gave for never letting us go down there, when the sky turned green and the twisters came. Not being in the cellar was why the tornado that destroyed DG almost killed me too. Should have killed me.

  I jumped out of my skin when in the distance the tornado sirens blared their weekly test. “Tony reminded you they test the sirens today. It’s just a test,” I said. Months passing hadn’t dimmed the adrenaline shooting through me or the pulse flying at my throat. Each time they sounded, I was back in the house with Enid trying to make it downstairs to safety while the freight train made crushing impact. That we’d survived, and Meridian’s Sangre Angel, Josiah, had saved us, didn’t lessen the fear that gripped my insides.

  I focused on breathing until once again the birds’ chatter and traffic on the road behind me were the loudest sounds.

  “Oh, isn’t this lovely. Fancy meeting you here.” Ms. Asura’s voice came from a dense group of trees across from me. Her perfume snaked its fingers onto the breeze and wrapped around my nose, my mouth. I coughed. Sweet, cloying, nauseating.

  I started to stand. Ready to what? Run? No, not anymore. Anger burned. “Where are you? I can’t see you.”

  “You don’t need to see me, sweetie. Someone burned my face. You wouldn’t know who I should punish for that, do you?”

  Vines of poison ivy rustled, giving me a spot in the brush to focus on. “You did it to yourself.” I tried to sound brave. What would Meridian say?

  “Now, now, we both know that’s not true.”

  “What do you want?” I demanded. How does she find me? So easily. So often. Be brave, Juliet, be brave.

  “To see how you are, how you’re faring.”

  “I’m fine.” Lie to her—you know how to lie.

  “Doesn’t look that way to me. All mopey and teary, talking to ducks and frogs. It’s a little pathetic. Has Meridian dumped you yet? Figured out you’re useless and stupid?”

  “I am not stupid.” Meridian thinks so.

  “Can’t read yet, can you?”

  How does she know that? “Of course I can.”

  “I had a job for you, Juliet.”

  That’s what this is about. “What?” My heart sped up and thwacked against my ribs. Can I disobey? Play dumb?

  “You were to find and bring me information I want. You know this.”

  “Why?” I asked. What does she want?

  She didn’t answer me. I glanced around as the seconds passed.

  Did she leave? Where did she go?

  “I don’t have to remind you of the consequences of disobeying, do I?” She clucked her tongue. “How is Kirian?”

  “Dead.” You killed him.

  “That’s news to me. His body was never found.”

  Her words stabbed. My heart thumped. “What do you mean?” Can he be alive? Were we wrong?

  She continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “It would be a shame if Meridian disappeared. Or Tony. You have so many new friends. How is Bodie? Still wandering outside alone on adventures? That cat followed him around too.”

  Bodie? Meridian? Tony? Mini?

  “Why would you threaten them? Why not take it out on me?”

  “That’s no fun. Besides, I’ve seen you suffer. You’re quite talented at it. I wonder if you can make that into a career.”

  “What do you want from me?”

  “There’s a book that belongs to us. We want it back.”

  “A book?”

  “Pages? Cover? Writing on the inside? Ring a bell?”

  “But who has it?”

  She huffed as if I was purposefully being obnoxious. Maybe I was.

  “Do the living mean nothing to you?” Without waiting for my response, she asked, “How badly do you want to know where your parents were dumped? They were broken up about the whole thing.” She laughed.

  “If I give you something, will you tell me where to find them? And Kirian?”

  “Hmm, the book, Juliet. If you’d rather know about the dead than keep your living friends safe, that can be arranged,” she stated as if truly weighing the options.

  I wanted to swear at the pathetic desire in my voice.

  She’ll use them. She uses everyone. “The living, they’ll be safe too?”

  “Your new friends haven’t figured it out yet, have they? That you’re playing them? How sad. Or maybe they know it all and think you won’t be able to handle the truth. Maybe they’re playing you. Hmm, has Tony touched you yet? You know he will, don’t you? What else are you good for? How could he love you like a daughter and not look for you all those years? Maybe he gave you to us. Did you think of that?”

  He’s not capable of that, is he? I knew what girls who came through DG experienced. What some of the boys cried about. I’d fight back, wouldn’t I? I’m not fighting back now, though, am I?

  “Which book?” I hated thinking she might be right that I didn’t know enough. Anything.

  “You’ll know it by this marking.”

  Talonlike nails the color of raw beef dropped a white piece of paper into the creek. As it floated toward me, it snagged on a rock. I leaned down. The black ink on the page was already spreading, melting off the sheet. I can’t read it! What is this? Ink-dyed water dripped down my hands, my arms.

  “But what is this?” Wings? A stick? Nothing in the portfolio at Rumi’s had these drawings on them. Did they?

  “Dig around, Juliet, and you might be surprised as to what you find.”

  “Where do you want me to bring it?”

  “We’ll find you.”

  “Y-you’re …” I stuttered over my tongue, words fleeing like birds before buckshot.

  “Get used to it.” She laughed. “Ta-ta, we’ll be in touch.”

  “Wait!” Come back. Tell me what you know. Please! I slogged through the water toward the opposite bank, but all I found was trampled grass and indents in the mud from stiletto heels. I collapsed, slamming my fists into the earth until my knuckles cracked and bled. Can I give her what she wants without it killing me completely inside?

  I tiptoed past Tony’s bedroom, listening for his snore and hearing nothing. He must be out volunteering again. Saving another soul.

  I closed the bedroom door behind me, hoping I hadn’t dripped creek water in a trail down the hallway.

  “Juliet?” Tony sat in a pink velour armchair he’d pulled over near my door.

  Startled, I jumped. “What are you doing in here?” I turned on the light, staring at him.

  “I was afraid you’d come back through the window or I wouldn’t hear you.”

  “I’m here now.” Caught.

  “And for a while that was good enough.” Tony held his head.

  The disappointment in his eyes was unbearable. What do you want from me? I didn’t know how to answer, so I kept silent.

  Tony continued. “We have to talk about your choices.”

  I felt my heart pick up rhythm. You are not my father. Every time I look at you, I see my dead mother’s scarred face.

  “I don’t know how to help you unless you talk to me.” Tony’s voice was so quiet I strained to hear. “Your mother asked me to watch over you and I failed you. I know that, but I will not fail you again. I have suspended my volunteering schedule indefinitely so I will have more time with you.”

  “But …” If he didn’t leave the apartment, he might figure out how much time I
spent at the creek, or trying to find this book, or in the kitchen cooking, trying to rid myself of the faces and memories by mixing ingredients together.

  “I would like you to give some thought to questions you have. I called Nelli to see if her boyfriend can help us track down your father, if that’s something you’d like to do. If you want to go up to Wolf Lake to be with the kids, I’ll drive you. Also, I know a very good family therapist if you’d like someone else to talk to.”

  He kept throwing out ideas and questions that made my head spin. Find my father? Go to another state? See a doctor? I desperately wished for my closet under the stairs, my jugs of treasures. I couldn’t hold on to anyone. No one stayed put. Only things stayed where they were placed. People disappeared.

  “Stop.” I couldn’t breathe. Stop! Stop! Just let me be. The pain scalded. Why doesn’t he know I’ll never be the good little girl he wants? He should have let me stay at DG.

  “We’ll talk more in the morning. You look tired.” He stood, joints creaking. “Can I sleep knowing you’re going to stay in the apartment for the rest of the night?”

  I nodded and he moved toward me. I held myself stiff while he placed a light kiss on my forehead. He lifted his arms as if to hug me but dropped them without actually embracing me.

  I closed my eyes. Even this man doesn’t find you loveable enough to hug.

  “Good night.” Tony shut the door behind him.

  I turned on the CD player Rumi gave me and hit REPEAT on the song that reminded me of my mother, “Juliet of the Spirits.” I fit the headphones over my ears and twisted the volume as high as it would go. Then I took the whole thing into the closet with me, shutting the door tightly.

  The first chords filled my head. They blocked out every thing.

  I tucked my head down onto my knees and let the tears flow.

  How is this for screwed up?

  Where is this book?

  Who has it?

  What’s in it?

  Who will die because of me this time?

  CHAPTER 11

  I lay on my stomach next to Tens, enjoying the sun and the feel of him next to me. We were on a stakeout of sorts. Again.